Men and sex - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex.
For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much.
Sex is also my love language. Me voicing my concerns about it toward my wife did exactly the same thing to my wife as it did you. When your husband and I say we want sex to feel close all you see is our neediness which repulses you.
My fix was to COMPLETELY stop all touching and no mention of sex. No holding hands, no "I love you", just a peck hello and a peck goodbye.

What this has done is turn my wife into quite an explosive sex partner. No touching and no mention of sex just ramps up our sexual appetite for each other. Sex happens twice a week, but it's so good I'll refrain from touching her any other time if this is what I get. I almost feel like I'm married to my mistress and not my wife of 25 years!

I'll take it!

Last edited by UMP; 01-10-2017 at 09:38 AM.
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post #17 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
OP, I wish you would edit your first post on this thread and include the fact that he has cheated on you more than once and can't respect other boundaries either. There is a huge difference between answering this post with and without that information.

Or have the threads combined.
Dump him!
Background information like your other posts are invaluable. He is oversexed and has poor boundaries and impulse control. He is a serial cheater.
That said, yes to physical touch and intimacy. As a man, I cannot have a meaningful relationship without these things. In any future relationship, keep your man sated. He will also need to meet your needs.
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post #18 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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OP, I wish you would edit your first post on this thread and include the fact that he has cheated on you more than once and can't respect other boundaries either. There is a huge difference between answering this post with and without that information.

Or have the threads combined.
Yes, even so - the answer is still yes

Ultimately if this attitude is maintained they are doomed, MC required.
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post #19 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Here's my perspective as man, I don't know how common it is but it's how I feel. Sex is the vehicle I use to express my love for my wife, cuddling holding hands, doing honey do's, etc just serve to build that feeling of wanting to express my love sexually later. The closer I feel to her the more feel the desire to express my love. So sex is not something you can do and be satisfied. It's not like filling up a gas tank and riding for a while. The more in love I am the more I want to make love. There's a price to pay for being the center of my world.

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post #20 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Men and sex

And after reading your other posts it seems that you are low desire, LD. That is your reality and is your "problem". In any new relationship find another LD man or up your game, sexually. I used the word "problem" because that is what it becomes when you mate with a HD male. You are also way too forgiving. You should have thrown him out the first time he cheated. Money is not everything in life.
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post #21 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Men and sex

There are billions of men and they want different things - no simple rule applies to all, or even most.

In my case, sex is an integral part of romantic love. I want all the other parts of romantic love, affectionate words, touches, kisses, fancy dinners, romantic trips etc. I could not do without some of those, but sex is also required. Without it I cannot feel romantic love, just something more like friendship or filial love.

My wife has never understood / believed this. She wonders why I seem distant, but thinks that I'm just pressuring her for sex when I say that I need sex to feel romantic love (we are essentially sexless these days). She thinks I will "get over it", or " stop being selfish", but I won't - I am simply unable to separate sex and romance.


That said, it sounds like there are all sorts of other issues including infidelity in your relationship. So just because he needs sex to feel love, doesn't 'mean that you should have sex with him. You do need to decide though - I expect without sex he will never feel the sort of romantic attachment that I expect you want. So it is your choice how to proceed.
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post #22 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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And after reading your other posts it seems that you are low desire, LD. That is your reality and is your "problem". In any new relationship find another LD man or up your game, sexually. I used the word "problem" because that is what it becomes when you mate with a HD male. You are also way too forgiving. You should have thrown him out the first time he cheated. Money is not everything in life.
I'd be LD with a serial cheater also. I suspect if she found a husband who wasn't a POS she might well not be LD anymore.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #23 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Men and sex

OK, I've looked at both of today's threads and the most recent previous thread. All of this so I could get a grip on the situation before I advise you.
The answer to your question is yes there are men who can feel loved without sex. There was an example posted today, by the angry, lonely, deprived female partner of that man. This is not the majority case. In fact in His Needs, Her Needs the author claims that physical sex is the number one emotional need for most men. He is probably right. That answer is factual, correct and of absolutely no use in solving your problem.

Here is some advice that may be useful in solving your problem. Trust is the thing that relationships are made of, but romantic relationships go one step further. It takes a lot of trust to take that next step. The next level is to Trust one person to fulfill the bulk of your emotional needs. You haven't talked much about your emotional needs but one of them seems to be Fidelity, which is sometimes interpreted as Security. You are not getting this. You have discussed at length his need, sex and physical touch. You do not want to supply that need. So here we have two people who both have very normal needs. But Both of them are abnormally incapable and unwilling to fulfill the needs of the other. Then on top of that a little over a year ago the Trust was broken in the relationship by both parties. So we have now a relationship with no Trust, and no emotional needs being filled. The only bright spot is that you are both willing to keep trying. Kudos to you for that.

There are no simple solutions here. You will not be able to fulfill his emotional needs until you feel Safe. He can't be constant in a loveless situation. It is just too much to ask of either of you. Only a professional you both trust and a lot of work from both of you could solve this.
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post #24 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Men and sex

personally i think it goes beyond 'whether my husband needs sex to feel loved' or not.

it is necessary to a good marriage to be loved in ALL ways, including sex (or at least sexual intimacy if intercourse is physically not possible).



her marriage problems notwithstanding, this is just a general principal.
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post #25 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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[*]We are after all physical beings, and accepting a man's penis inside of you is the ultimate form of physical "acceptance" in a relationship.
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*WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*

Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking acceptance rather than "love"?
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post #26 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!

According to many marriage/couples researchers, both men and women "need" four kinds of love and loving attention:

- Physical (including but not limited to sex)
- Emotional (absolutely crucial, this is the element that distinguishes a romantic relationship - emotional support for each other even if you're in a bad mood, or even if your SO's issue is "with you"
- Spiritual - a shared sense of knowing yourself, knowing each other, being bonded to each other and the community and a firm grasp of your chosen roles in the fabric of human existence
- Mental - you love solving problems together


The five love languages is a useful concept to determine which items are more important to you, or how you in particular manifest one of those items. For instance, my wife's love language is "Acts of Service". And, her list of preferred acts could be handled by hired help. This is a part of physical. I focus on Quality Time, which is also part of physical - you are with each other, paying attention, in the same physical space, whether touching or not. We have conflict over these two, even though they're both part of physical.

OTOH, some people don't think they "need" one of the four groups - but as several researchers have noted, when these people are studied in depth, it is found that something in their past turned a normal human desire into something to be feared or loathed, in particular, some of the more rules-based religions can turn people of both genders completely off of sex. This is the case with my wife. Whether the thusly-damaged partner is able to acknowledge it or not is crucial to what the relationship looks like in the future. Some people look at their fears (which, per philosophy and psychology are 99% damaging) as safety features and can't possibly think of outgrowing them.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #27 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
*WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*

Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking acceptance rather than "love"?
I think that is what a "rebound" relationship is all about. The need to feel accepted in the face of overwhelming rejection from a relationship that has just ended.
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post #28 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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*WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*

Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking acceptance rather than "love"?
That's certainly what most of the books say....it's about being accepted by the opposite sex as a desirable *your gender here*.

In my mid-30s, I found this out through experience, as I encountered recently-divorced women...I had never encountered such a willing group. Someone explained to me it was all about them being validated as a sexually-desirable women, plus in a few cases, revenge on the ex..."you get what I withheld from him."

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #29 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Men and sex

Addressing OP's question WITHOUT the details of her experience, I do think most men need sex to to feel loved. The old adage is "Men need sex to love. Women need love for sex." isn't far off.

And for me, cuddling, hand-holding and other forms of "non-sexual intimacy" are fine but unless there is sexual intimacy sometime close, then those non-sexual intimacy things just won't cut it for me.
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post #30 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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I think that is what a "rebound" relationship is all about. The need to feel accepted in the face of overwhelming rejection from a relationship that has just ended.
Hmm...

I'm not sure if it just applies to a rebound "relationship". I mean, I get that people can be so sex-starved, and feel so unattractive that the moment someone takes an interest in them physically, they can feel "accepted". This can happen in an ONS or 'casual sex'.
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