Men and sex - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:54 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
The question isn't whether this guy's 'need' is justified or not.

The issue is that he's like a damned randy dog in heat, constantly humping the OP's leg from the minute he gets up until the minute he falls asleep. I wouldn't give a sh*t WHAT his lame "love language" is ... no one wants to be MAULED every waking moment of their lives no matter who they are.

And these ridiculous lectures about giving this miscreant what he wants or he'll go elsewhere is another bunch of manure. He's obviously over-sexed because he's a serial cheater on TOP of his constant mauling. It's like he has to continually be having sex or he's unhappy. Who the HELL needs that?

This goes WAY beyond some 'love language' - unless there's a 6th love language known as "constantly needs to get laid 24/7."

OP, in one of your past posts you mention you don't want your kids to come from a divorced/broken home so you've stayed with this serial cheating horn-dog. Stop being a martyr already and boot this mouth-breather to the curb where he belongs..
................ and then get yourself together, heal and find a decent man that you can feel safe enough to be your true sexual self with. Don't waste your time on a prize pr.ick, find a good man.
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post #47 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
The question isn't whether this guy's 'need' is justified or not.

The issue is that he's like a damned randy dog in heat, constantly humping the OP's leg from the minute he gets up until the minute he falls asleep. I wouldn't give a sh*t WHAT his lame "love language" is ... no one wants to be MAULED every waking moment of their lives no matter who they are.

And these ridiculous lectures about giving this miscreant what he wants or he'll go elsewhere is another bunch of manure. He's obviously over-sexed because he's a serial cheater on TOP of his constant mauling. It's like he has to continually be having sex or he's unhappy. Who the HELL needs that?

This goes WAY beyond some 'love language' - unless there's a 6th love language known as "constantly needs to get laid 24/7."

OP, in one of your past posts you mention you don't want your kids to come from a divorced/broken home so you've stayed with this serial cheating horn-dog. Stop being a martyr already and boot this mouth-breather to the curb where he belongs..
Where did it say that he is a a serial cheater? There was a mention that his wife found a half-nude picture of himself on his phone from another thread. Is there evidence of him cheating on her?
I am not defending anyone: I just want to know the facts and would urge people to abstain from insulting an individual without knowing the facts.
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post #48 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men and sex

It seems to be that most have the opinion that sex is necessary in a relationship; while I can understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, what if the sex is unenjoyable? where its more about the other half instead of your needs? Such as my H, claims its all about me but it's not, it's about him and him getting his rocks off. Which is part of the problem for me. I personally haven't enjoyed sex in years, especially since I had kids. Before kids, no problem with it but after, no thanks.
For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........
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post #49 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........
Yep, this doesn't sound good...Very sorry to hear that. It's your husband's infidelity you need to work through, not whether or how often he needs sex with you.
This is tricky, because if you deny him sexual affection (which is totally understandable in view of what he did), he is more likely to cheat again (possibly; he may also cheat even if you don't deny him sexual attention).
I don't think it is healthy to pretend that everything is fine & dandy and ask questions and expecting answers that would apply to "normal" couples (I don't mean you can't ask these questions, just that the answers won't help you in any way because he betrayed you and that defines the way you feel about him, his groping etc).

I would suggest that he needs (at the very least) a wake up call; he needs to know that you are going to leave him (it's also his children put at risk). And if it doesn't wake him up then I think the family might be better off if you do separate. I know this is a nightmare for the kids but they will understand when they are older.
It is unfortunately what it is. It's not good to pretend otherwise. :-(

Last edited by inmyprime; 01-11-2017 at 07:28 AM.
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post #50 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: Men and sex

He's already proved he's a cheater. I wouldn't spend an ounce of energy doing anything to prevent him from cheating. I'd just accept that this is what he is and go from there.

And for me, that would include not letting him touch me.
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post #51 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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I would suggest that he needs (at the very least) a wake up call....
I think what he needs MORE is to be neutered.
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post #52 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:42 AM
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Men and sex

.

Last edited by inmyprime; 01-11-2017 at 09:52 AM.
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post #53 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Men and sex

In a regular marriage, without intimacy, it's not a relationship, it's roommates. If you don't want to be intimate with your spouse, then free them. It's not always physical intimacy and it's not always sex, but if you don't want any sort of physical intimacy, then it's isn't a marriage and you aren't in "love" with them.

If you've been cheated on, clearly you have intimacy issues. But if they persist, then clearly you don't want to be with them anymore. There are a lot of extenuating circumstances that alter the basic premise.
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post #54 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Speaking for me, I absolutely need it. IMHO, if you don't have sex while in a relationship, then there's no point in having one. That's how my SO can show me that she loves me and cares for me. Sure, gifts are nice, but all I want is her.
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post #55 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Men and sex

My STBX was a serial cheater and I believe he also had a sex addiction, but his love language was definitely words of affirmation. Sex to him was all about getting off but he actually avoided emotional connection - but, he needed multiple partners to feel desirable - one woman was not enough. On the other hand, he constantly needed to be told I loved him and thought highly of him and he needed that praise from others in his life to feel good about himself. I believe in his case both his need for unemotional sex and for words of praise come from CSA and emotional abuse by his FOO.

OP, what was your H's childhood like?

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #56 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: Men and sex

I'll separate the cheating discussion because I see it as a different issue than the one on the importance of sex. You have every right to divorce a cheater - that is your choice. I would not recommend staying with a cheater that you can't forgive and trust - you are just setting yourself up for more suffering in the future. (to be clear, I'm NOT saying you *should* trust him, he may not deserve it, just that you shouldn't stay with someone that you can't trust).

To be very clear: it is completely OK for you to not want sex because he cheated - but if that is the case, I don't think it makes much sense to stay together in a marriage that will never be happy - for your sake.


OK, on to sex: When you way that you do not enjoy sex, does he make every reasonable attempt to make it good for you? If not, then he needs to change is behavior - sex should be mutual, each trying to please the other.

If he does make the attempt but you still do not enjoy it, then its a very tricky situation. If you had an active sex life before you got married and early in the marriage, it is reasonable for him to expect that to continue if his behavior hasn't changed. Then I think you are left with a choice: Provide him with the sex that he wants even if you don't enjoy it, OR, allow an open marriage, OR make him feel free to leave so you can both find someone sexually compatible.

I don't think it is fair to make him feel he should live with a limited sex life if he had reason to expect otherwise when you were married. (again, this is IF he does his best to please you in bed)

He is never going to get over wanting sex. He may be willing to stop bugging you about it, but he will always be angry and resentful (even if he doesn't show it). He will very likely cheat again because he will feel that he has an excuse.










Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
It seems to be that most have the opinion that sex is necessary in a relationship; while I can understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, what if the sex is unenjoyable? where its more about the other half instead of your needs? Such as my H, claims its all about me but it's not, it's about him and him getting his rocks off. Which is part of the problem for me. I personally haven't enjoyed sex in years, especially since I had kids. Before kids, no problem with it but after, no thanks.
For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........
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post #57 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........
Lilies, I understand your hesitation with regards to your kids. However keep in mind that a decision to stay with him is still a decision that will affect you and them. More so if your husband stays on his current path. Realistically, how long can you keep your family from coming apart at the seams? How long can you keep pretending that everything is ok?

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #58 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Men and sex

For those who didn't go back a year and read the old situation. He was home early with another woman. No specified actions. This happened the Day after they fought over her Text flirting with a co-worker.

The most troublesome thing here is that she is getting nothing out of sex since the last Childbirth. Whether she keeps the "Cheating Horn Dog" (CHD) or not, she needs to talk with a Doctor about that. I'll stand by my previous advice. This is a mess that needs professional help, but may still be unfix-able.
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post #59 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:09 PM
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Cool Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
Men usually learn all about hand-holding, snuggling, and sex in that order!

Since sex is the most exhilarating of those three, whenever we come to experience it, It preeminently goes to "the head of the class!"

For the vast majority of men, the promise of physicality makes us romantic! For most women, the promise of an emotional connection gets them in the mood for sex!

And while we are physically as well as emotionally different, we're working toward a common goal ~ we just take different paths in finally getting there!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #60 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:36 PM
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Re: Men and sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
It seems to be that most have the opinion that sex is necessary in a relationship; while I can understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, what if the sex is unenjoyable? where its more about the other half instead of your needs? Such as my H, claims its all about me but it's not, it's about him and him getting his rocks off. Which is part of the problem for me. I personally haven't enjoyed sex in years, especially since I had kids. Before kids, no problem with it but after, no thanks.
For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........
Be that as it may, you should gather information about divorcing him so you can have an understanding of where you stand if that is what you choose.

I personally think divorcing him would be a good idea based on what information is here.

You obviously don't feel loved by him, I don't blame you, and he is apparently an unremorseful, cheating asshat.

Sex and groping aren't your problems. A severe lack of love and real affection as well as a lack of a reformed cheater is the problem.

Most women love attention from a man they feel cherished, loved and aroused by.

Your husband strikes out on all three.

Last edited by ConanHub; 01-11-2017 at 06:47 PM.
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