Men and sex - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Yes not just because it was denied but also betrayal. When I caught my x cheating I waited till after the divorce then had multiple partners in a very short time frame. I was trying to feel connected to anyone and not alone. Ultimately this didn't work well for me
I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended).

As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?
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post #62 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended).

As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?
I think largely you are right, however I don't think sex early in a relationship will preclude a connection from developing either. It just won't cause it on its own.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #63 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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I think largely you are right, however I don't think sex early in a relationship will preclude a connection from developing either. It just won't cause it on its own.
I acknowledge that it can and does happen sometimes. But how often AND, does it happen often enough to be relied upon?

While I can agree that sex is important in a relationship, is it MORE important than someone's character and personality, especially if you're seeking something long-term?
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post #64 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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While I can agree that sex is important in a relationship, is it MORE important than someone's character and personality, especially if you're seeking something long-term?
A toxic friendship with someone can destroy even the best sex life.

A toxic sex life with someone can destroy even the best friendship.

Which is more important? I don't think asking that question will be helpful, but instead realize that both have the power to heal or destroy each other depending on the level of respect and trust a couple has for each other.
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post #65 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
Quick sex lesson. Sex releases a hormone named Oxytocin. It's job is to emotionally bond a couple together, create intimacy. It is the same hormone that bonded you to your children so you have some idea of how powerful and important it is. I could tell the difference when our sex life started to fade away. I did what I had read from a sex therapist. We scheduled one or two sex nights each week. Attendance was mandatory no matter how tired or not in the mood we were. Sex was not mandatory though as long as we laid next to each other naked. Sooner than later we began to make out and before we knew it, we were having sex again. Our nightly good nights turned into kisses good night. My wife started to wear something sex later at night and I offered her massages. Sex is one of those things that the more you have, the more you want to. Stop having sex and you will not benefit from Oxytocin's effects. Some call it the cuddle hormone because one of its effects is responsible for wanting to cuddle after sex. To deny your marriage of this wonderful hormone's effects is like loving your child but not that into running your hand through his/her hair or even wanting to touch them. You still feel love for them but it lacks the physical love that we humans crave.

A hug can comfort someone. A kiss can excite and convey your love. Sex is very important to a marriage. Most do not understand the science of sex and its role in love and marriage. Sex is crucial to a marriage and what some call love is more like the love we have for a family member. It is really love but lacks the physical aspect of love between a husband and wife. It does make a difference in my 44 year marriage. We are in our mid sixties and still have regular sex. We kiss before bedtime and I still chase her around the house. We are very close to each other and all of my wife's friends comment on how much in love we are. In contrast, they look like they are just good friends with their husbands, used to each other but without any sex anymore. They do love each other but it lacks the spark that a physical display of love takes plain love to a much higher level.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #66 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended).

As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?
Was nothing to prove I knew it all along but desperate measures are often followed by desperate people trying to do anything to change their circumstances. It was a very dark time for me and I didn't get on track till I sought counseling .
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post #67 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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. I did what I had read from a sex therapist. We scheduled one or two sex nights each week. Attendance was mandatory no matter how tired or not in the mood we were. Sex was not mandatory though as long as we laid next to each other naked. Sooner than later we began to make out and before we knew it, we were having sex again.
Yes! And probably a key reason behind why you began having sex again! As soon as you turn sex into an obligation, duty, responsibility, chore, it becomes...lifeless. If you take sex (or at least, the 'goal' of an orgasm) off of the table, you remove the pressure. You start sharing intimacy, which can lead to sex.

As for the oxytocin, I'm still on the fence about how much of a role it plays in 'bonding' a couple together. After all, if this was true for EVERYONE, prostitutes would "bond" with their johns, and men would 'bond' with the first FWB they had.

Don't see that happening. Plus, even having sex with my late husband 2-3 times a day didn't do anything to 'bond' me to him. I felt more 'bonded' to other people I had sex with than to him.

Plus, what about the people who seem to be having GREAT sex with their spouses, but CHEAT on them anyway?
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post #68 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Men and sex

Long ago when I broke up with my girlfriend, I started going out with another woman. Sex was very early - actually before any relationship started (college, a bunch of us booked into a hotel room, she slipped into my bed without warning....).

We had a short very sexual relationship, then separated (on good terms) as we wanted different things out of life. (she wanted kids, house, dog, white picket fence etc - all fine, but not what I wanted).

I did feel very close to her at the time, and that has lasted. We are still in contact >30 years later, and I have a long lasting sense of affection towards her.


I agree that sex with a prostitute would feel very empty and I have no interest whatsoever in that.


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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended).

As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?
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post #69 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:36 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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I agree that sex with a prostitute would feel very empty and I have no interest whatsoever in that.
What struck me most about what I read was that even though some of the men said that they felt "empty", they kept on going back! Then they would actually loathe themselves for going back.

It didn't make sense to me.
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post #70 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: Men and sex

They are looking for something that they can't have. Prostitutes promise that, but its a lie - still some men fall for it over and over again.

Its a little like a gambling addiction. You *know* you are going to lose all your money when you walk into the casino, but some part of your brain keeps tricking you into thinking that this time you will win.

If you don't have a tendency toward compulsive behavior yourself, I can see it being difficult to imagine.


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What struck me most about what I read was that even though some of the men said that they felt "empty", they kept on going back! Then they would actually loathe themselves for going back.

It didn't make sense to me.
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post #71 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:38 PM
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Re: Men and sex

Sex is actually more emotional for men, than women. Sex is not just something that's fun to do... like going to the movies.

A man's sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband. Men are told women, as a rule, like sex and his spouse shouldn’t have to muster up enthusiasm to be intimate with him. Men also believe, without question, women marry men they love. Women marry men they are sexually attracted to. Women marry men they sexually desire. When his wife rejects him sexually, he feels unworthy and unloved.

Men, eventually learn that wives who honestly believe they hate sex aren’t being honest with themselves. They just hate it with their husband. Men also come to realize that a wife who wants to sleep with her husband will find a way. There is no “too busy” or “the kids might hear” or “I have to get up early tomorrow”. There is only passion and desire and enthusiasm to be naked with each other.
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post #72 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:43 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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What struck me most about what I read was that even though some of the men said that they felt "empty", they kept on going back! Then they would actually loathe themselves for going back.

It didn't make sense to me.

I would argue that something emotional is better than nothing. A prostitute is rarely for the "joy of sex"... sex is so much more than a orgasm for most men, they are a dime-a-dozen. As I said above, sex is emotional, hence the prostitute.
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post #73 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:57 PM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
No all men do not need sex to feel loved but most people need to feel like our partner cares about the things that are very important to us.

What things are important to you? Does he know what those things are and is he trying to meet them? You mentioned that you're committed to him an the marriage so I speculate that one of your needs is to know that he's also committed to you and the marriage. Do you think he is? If so then there is one example of him meeting one of your needs. If not then maybe you don't trust him and it's causing issues that are spilling over to intimacy.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #74 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 04:41 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Lillies, this is a very valid question but under the circumstances it is the wrong question.

You ought to be asking how you are going to rid yourself of your good for nothing WH who cheats on you (could give you a STD) and yet you are all concerned about meeting his sexually needs. Consider what you should be doing to meet your own needs and the needs of your kids and let this loser go.
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