Men and sex - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
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Men and sex

Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
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post #2 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Sex is your H love language. 10 years and kids do not make a marriage for your H. It is only part of it. Connection makes his marriage fulfilled. Normal to me. Normal for my W. Sex, holding hands and snuggling is my W love language. She feels loved, fulfilled and safe when we are intimate, hold hands and attentive. It is her love language.

Your H is perfectly normal as is his desire for intimacy to make a connection with the woman he loves.

PS. When my W is more intimate with me, holds hands and attentive my world is great.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #3 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Sex could be a big part of his love language

I will say on my part, sex, or moreso the physical intimacy, is an important part of the connection with my W. Sex can only happen within my marriage (i.e. barring infidelity which is not of interest). Deprioritizing sex in a marriage is not a positive IMO.

Has something changed in your marriage that brought this question up with your H (less sex, etc...)?
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post #4 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Men and sex

One other item other than sex, hand holding and attentiveness, all of these are simply what was done when dating. When dating it is new, fresh, exciting and generally a good time. Is there any reason after 10 years and some kids that this should stop? I can't think of any.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #5 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
I don't think they "all" do, but most men do.

I personally also feel love through sex and affection, so to me that is just a normal way to feel. Sex is not just about pleasure or getting off, to me, it is about expressing emotions and physically interpreting them.

If your H says he needs sex and affection to feel close to you, it is true. He isn't trying to "trick" you into more sex, he is trying to have more sex (or more connected sex) with you because he loves you and wants to feel close to you.

Do you not enjoy sex as much as he does? Why has this come up? Are you holding back or is there any other issue that makes you not want to have sex with him? I ask because just because men (and women) do feel love through sex, that doesn't entitle them to it if they are not being a good partner (sexual and otherwise) themselves, too.

ETA: I wrote this then saw your post in the ladies lounge. I retract the above, he isn't deserving of what he is asking for because he has apparently cheated and because he is not gaining your consent before touching. Yuck, sorry sister, this doesn't look good.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!

Last edited by Faithful Wife; 01-10-2017 at 09:07 AM.
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post #6 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
I would listen very closely when he tells you this.

We all value different things in life. It is important to understand what he values, and how he feels loved by you, and then make a genuine effort to fulfill those needs.

Spend some time reading some threads by men in the 'Sex in Marriage' section.

Or you can choose to minimize it to the detriment of your marriage.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #7 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men and sex

Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex.
For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much.

Yeswecan, I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.
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post #8 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Or you can choose to minimize it to the detriment of your marriage.
Check out her other post in the ladies lounge.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #9 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex.
For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much.

Yeswecan, I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.

It is apparent this is a many faceted problem. After reading your other post... MC is my suggestion.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #10 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Men and sex

I don't know about needing sex to 'feel loved', but I think that level of intimacy is needed for two people to feel close to each other- and that contributes to the love feelings. If it isn't there, one or both will invariably drift apart.
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post #11 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex.
For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much.

Yeswecan, I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.
This changes the picture significantly. What made you decide to stay with him after he has cheated on you multiple times?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #12 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
This is a very important question that I struggled to convey to my wife for years. Here is what you need to know:

  • I find my wife very physically desirable. I would not trade this feeling for anything else in the world as I love to desire her.
  • We are after all physical beings, and accepting a man's penis inside of you is the ultimate form of physical "acceptance" in a relationship.
  • In the event physical intimacy is problematic and not possible at any given moment, I feel that when my wife emotionally accepts and nourishes my desire for her that when she does that it also makes me feel just as loved as if we have actually had sex.

Now it is important for the two of you to also be friends, but maintaining a healthy sexual bond with your husband is something that runs parallel to the friendship you have together.

If sex becomes problematic, your friendship can heal that. If your friendship becomes problematic, your sexual bond to each other can heal that. If one of the two becomes too toxic (friendship or sexual bond), it is going to cause serious problems, so you need BOTH to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling marriage.

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post #13 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Men and sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilies12 View Post
Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!
OP, I wish you would edit your first post on this thread and include the fact that he has cheated on you more than once and can't respect other boundaries either. There is a huge difference between answering this post with and without that information.

Or have the threads combined.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #14 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.
Well this changes things. All relationships are built on trust and communication. If he chose to destroy the foundation of trust more than once, it is obviously hard to build anything on top of that without the worry that it will come crumbling down after all you hard work.
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post #15 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Men and sex

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
If your H says he needs sex and affection to feel close to you, it is true. He isn't trying to "trick" you into more sex, he is trying to have more sex (or more connected sex) with you because he loves you and wants to feel close to you.
I just wanted to quote this post for emphasis. Not necessarily related to the OP as additional information provided alters the original post IMO. However, some seem to have a belief that all guys want is sex, doesn't matter with who, where, or when. Stating they want/need it for connection is just an excuse or nothing more than a trick (well naturally, b/c it contradicts the stated belief). Not saying there aren't guys who just want to get laid, nothing more or less, but I am sure there are ladies who just want to get laid as well lol. Thanks for posting that FW.
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