The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: For mismatched/unbalanced drives, are quickies helpful or hurtful?
mostly helpful and recommended 8 30.77%
sometimes helpful 12 46.15%
neutral 6 23.08%
sometimes hurtful 0 0%
mostly hurtful and not recomended 0 0%
Voters: 26. You may not vote on this poll

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post #16 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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It depends on the level of the mismatch an whether the LD recognizes / understands the HD's desires / needs.

In my case my wife doesn't believe my desires for sex are reasonable, so she sees no reason to provide a quickie. It sounds like other people (men and women) here are in a similar situation.

If its a mild mismatch and the LD is willing to help, then I think quickies can be great.
In my situation I'm not really a mismatch(mild maybe as you put it) and if I ask for a quick handy I'm sure to get one. I reciprocate if asked or simply just dig right in. Sometimes(almost every night/morning) my W just plays with the thing while we are in bed watching TV. For some reason it relaxes her. She will recognize that 99% of the time I'm at the point of no return and finishes the job. She is relaxed. I get a great handy. Life is awesome.

It is my one best hope that other married couples would have a similar sexual relationship with their spouse. Perhaps it is part of a spouse saying, "I would do anything for you." My W is at that point after 21 years. But...she will do anything within reason and I respect that. I respect my W.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #17 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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In my situation I'm not really a mismatch(mild maybe as you put it) and if I ask for a quick handy I'm sure to get one. I reciprocate if asked or simply just dig right in. Sometimes(almost every night/morning) my W just plays with the thing while we are in bed watching TV. For some reason it relaxes her. She will recognize that 99% of the time I'm at the point of no return and finishes the job. She is relaxed. I get a great handy. Life is awesome.

It is my one best hope that other married couples would have a similar sexual relationship with their spouse. Perhaps it is part of a spouse saying, "I would do anything for you." My W is at that point after 21 years. But...she will do anything within reason and I respect that. I respect my W.
No sh!t life is awesome.

"Masturbate with just a slick hand and thoughts of your wife." --Intheory
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post #18 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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No sh!t life is awesome.
Truth be told it was really strange how this happened. My W likes to manipulate in her hand of all things...Silly Putty. It relaxes her. Similar to those chrome metal balls some manipulate in their hands as a relaxation tool. Watching TV squeezing Silly Putty relaxes my W. One day I said my ding-a-ling is much more fun to manipulate for relaxation. My W tried it. There is no longer any Silly Puddy in the bedroom!

My W always told me that sex in the marriage is not the only thing in a marriage but a good part of the marriage. She has not proven herself wrong in that statement.

And God love her mama for saying to my W after we got married, "Be a lady in the parlor and wh0re in the bedroom." I love my mother-in-law.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #19 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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This is why I asked. 10 -15 minutes of actual physical contact is pretty normal for us but we're compatible that way.

From experience, you can do alot in 10 minutes. Just saying.


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That is what I was thinking too! If I can learn how to better manage foreplay outside the bedroom in ways that she enjoys it, then it does seem to open up a great deal of possibilities.

Badsanta

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post #20 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

...

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post #21 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

Exactly!

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #22 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

...

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post #23 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

I wish we'd have more quickies to be honest. We'd probably have sex more often. We already have it 2-3 times a week. But sometimes I just want to give H a quick BJ before work or something. Which always ends up being way longer and I end up late for work. H likes long sessions and to build up as much as possible.
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post #24 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

Quickies can be fun, and we have them from time to time. But IME the orgasms are usually much inferior, and too much of this kind of sex would leave me frustrated, annoyed, and ultimately feeling turned off.
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post #25 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

I have a love/hate relationship with quickies. 4 out of 5 times me and H have sex it's a quickie. Jump on jump off and done. 2-3 minutes. H has sex for the O and I have sex for the intimacy and connection with him.
Maybe once every 7-10 days do we have ok-fun-somewhat fulfilling sex that pleases me. Leaves me frustrated and annoyed also.


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post #26 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
Quickies can be fun, and we have them from time to time. But IME the orgasms are usually much inferior, and too much of this kind of sex would leave me frustrated, annoyed, and ultimately feeling turned off.
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I have a love/hate relationship with quickies. 4 out of 5 times me and H have sex it's a quickie. Jump on jump off and done. 2-3 minutes. H has sex for the O and I have sex for the intimacy and connection with him.
Maybe once every 7-10 days do we have ok-fun-somewhat fulfilling sex that pleases me. Leaves me frustrated and annoyed also.
This is the dynamic of quickies that scares me. BUT since my wife and I have never purposely done quickies, I have to imagine that they could be useful since instances would be rare. My wife has always preached to me that "it is about quality and not quantity" to which I do agree. We BOTH need the strong emotional connection and that is the part that takes time. Also we both sometimes need our personal space which I have to imagine during those moments for her that she does not want the anxiety of knowing that I am desiring her to interfere with her personal time away from me.

Unlike most couples, my wife and I share the same career and work side by side all day. My "work wife" actually is my real wife. THIS creates an unusual dynamic when it comes to our personal space. Because we share the same career, much of our "quality time" together outside of work hours ends up being encroached by unavoidable discussions about project deadlines and work problems that we need to help each other solve. Therefore sometimes our only escape from everything is to help each other enjoy personal space while we are apart. Obviously she can't enjoy that space if she perceives for any reason that I am wanting to be with her during that time but I am sacrificing those feelings for her benefit. Then on the flip side of that, it can be hard to establish a strong emotional connection needed for physical intimacy after having spent the whole day together and not having had enough personal space to decompress from daily stress.

So put quickies into that scenario (her suggestion) and I think for us it would be about facilitating/advocating for better personal space. This would allow her to enjoy knowing that she keeps me happy in our marriage while we are out doing our own things. She knows I do A LOT to keep her happy in our marriage, and I know she does A LOT to keep me happy (many of those things are not discussed on TAM). As most people can imagine that being coworkers and spouses while maintaining that for over 20 years in a loving and respectful way can be seriously challenging. We never get to come home from work and ask each other "how was your day" because we just shared that whole experience together. At the end of the day just knowing she wants me to be happy with all aspects of our marriage and that she is always willing to work on that actually does mean a lot to me. That is why I love her like no other person in the world.

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post #27 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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I have a love/hate relationship with quickies. 4 out of 5 times me and H have sex it's a quickie. Jump on jump off and done. 2-3 minutes. H has sex for the O and I have sex for the intimacy and connection with him.
Maybe once every 7-10 days do we have ok-fun-somewhat fulfilling sex that pleases me. Leaves me frustrated and annoyed also.


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Our quickies are not a substitute for long love making. Just something else we do.
Most often just spontaneous things, and targets of opportunity. They seem to be more fun, for both of us, when they are surprises!
If you are counting, whether it's quickies or the 'real deal', maybe you are not doing either or both often enough?
(Coming from a HD couple)

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post #28 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
It depends on the level of the mismatch an whether the LD recognizes / understands the HD's desires / needs.

In my case my wife doesn't believe my desires for sex are reasonable, so she sees no reason to provide a quickie. It sounds like other people (men and women) here are in a similar situation.

If its a mild mismatch and the LD is willing to help, then I think quickies can be great.
This ^

My wife is an all or nothing kind of person, so quickies, for us/her, don't occur because there's no time, or as an 'extra' throughout the week, or for my benefit. Instead, it's what she actually wants at the time (which is fine, sometimes quick and hard is good), but as I said, it's not a 'bonus session'.

Same with HJ's or BJ's - they don't happen. There's really no desire or interest in my needs when I'm in the mood.

The funny thing is, she recognizes this and actually seems to understand where I'm coming from, and agrees it's not 'fair', yet nothing changes. If she's not in the mood, then it's not on her mind at all. Back in the day, I'd ask, or hint - and not in a demanding or degrading way, yet the response was almost always the same. I can count on one hand (no pun intended) I've received stand-alone anything.

We had an in-depth discussion about it many years ago, and it solved nothing, and even probably confused me more. Her general response was that if she wasn't getting anything and it's one-sided, she had no interest. So I said don't worry, I'll take care of you, too (either at that time, or a later date, for example) and it'll balance out. Nope.

So for some people, it's literally all or nothing. If she's not in the mood, and flat out refuses to GET in the mood, nothing will happen. She recognizes this, too, the one-sidedness of it all, that sex is, quite literally, on her terms, her schedule, and she won't even allow herself to get turned on with short notice, on-the-fly, whatever.

It's a good thing the sex is good when we have it...

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #29 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

This has always been difficult for me to understand. My wife won't do anything as a stand-alone favor - ever. What is even more mysterious, if she doesn't feel like sex (almost always) but we at cuddling (which she enjoys) she will sometimes stop be because she is starting to get aroused and doesn't want to. (???)




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This ^
snip

So for some people, it's literally all or nothing. If she's not in the mood, and flat out refuses to GET in the mood, nothing will happen. She recognizes this, too, the one-sidedness of it all, that sex is, quite literally, on her terms, her schedule, and she won't even allow herself to get turned on with short notice, on-the-fly, whatever.

It's a good thing the sex is good when we have it...
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post #30 of 86 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 12:15 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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. But when discussing this topic she did hint that our sex life could be much better and more frequent if we could work out for this to happen.
Badsanta
Huh?? You don't think this all might have something to do with your earlier thread about her "fantasy"? Seems like a great place to start to me.
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