The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: For mismatched/unbalanced drives, are quickies helpful or hurtful?
mostly helpful and recommended 8 30.77%
sometimes helpful 12 46.15%
neutral 6 23.08%
sometimes hurtful 0 0%
mostly hurtful and not recomended 0 0%
Voters: 26. You may not vote on this poll

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post #76 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Since starting this thread we have now had a few quickies.



Badsanta
Well that was quick.


"I would describe it as playful and fun, and I actually do have some issues with performance anxiety from the result of so many historical rejections from her."

Can I ask how you know that the anxieties were caused by your wife's rejections?
As someone who used to get rejected (and still sometimes does) I'm curious how you made this connection.



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post #77 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Well that was quick.


"I would describe it as playful and fun, and I actually do have some issues with performance anxiety from the result of so many historical rejections from her."

Can I ask how you know that the anxieties were caused by your wife's rejections?
As someone who used to get rejected (and still sometimes does) I'm curious how you made this connection.
I've witnessed myself initiating sex when I was only mildly in the mood and easily able to take it or leave it without getting hurt in the event she would say no. In addition I have witnessed myself during moments that I am really aroused preferring to not initiate and deal with that all alone. It took me a while to work out that I was using that as a self defense mechanism and a very effective one at that. Letting go of that and making myself vulnerable again is NOT exactly easy.

So now if I initiate when I am actually in the mood, there is anxiety associated with that as it is more challenging for me to deal with a "no." I also find myself wanting to be playful when only mildly in the mood as old patterns of behavior are hard to break. My wife has become aware of this as well, and this is one of the main reasons I think she is being more open and flexible. She would much rather me initiate and enjoy doing so when I am actually in the mood.

It is creating new experiences for both of us and helping bring some feelings to the surface that needed attention.

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post #78 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

You should keep a journal (if you have time) about this. Especially how it makes you feel (exactly how you write here) and let your wife read it. Or let her read your posts on TAM. Does she know all the thought processes and anxieties that you go through? (She should).
Another thought (and I am sure this as been covered somewhere...): would you feel comfortable if some days (when you are in the mood and she isn't), she would take time to just please you? (on a more regular basis). This seems the most "popular" solution in such circumstances.

I don't know how our species managed to live all these years; it seems mismatches in drives is a given in any relationship. I guess that's why the Erectus one didn't quite make it...

Last edited by inmyprime; 01-17-2017 at 04:12 PM.
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post #79 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

Yup. Being vulnerable is hard.

Actually that should be in all caps.

Being vulnerable is HARD!
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post #80 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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I don't know how our species managed to live all these years; it seems mismatches in drives is a given in any relationship.
Mismatches likely saved our planet from becoming way overpopulated centuries ago, perhaps it is the ONLY reason we are still here!

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post #81 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.


Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #82 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.
Sometimes. Not always. 30 or 40 years ago my very sensitive aunt told me it was better to be sensitive and vulnerable because you appreciate the good parts of life more. She told me it makes life more vivid. Decades later I believe she was wrong. I believe it just makes life more painful. Those who don't feel as deeply or easily have an easier time in life. Those who make themselves vulnerable get punished for it. No good deed goes unpunished. The conscientious child does not get rewarded for their diligence. Best to be selfish and blithe and not realize the pain you are causing others nor the pain you would feel if you allowed yourself to be vulnerable.

As Janis Ian said "A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs whose name I never could pronounce said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve; they only get what they deserve." But in fact "their small-town eyes will gape at you in dull surprise when payment due exceeds accounts received at seventeen." Not everyone gets rewarded for being vulnerable. Some get abused. And then gape in dull surprise when they are asked to make emotional payments they can't begin to afford.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #83 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

Ya, but life is hard and often sucks for those who are walled off too.

I was just on another thread where the guy is basically absolutely refusing to emotionally invest and is spending the entire relationship testing his gf to make sure she is "worthy". I sincerely doubt he is any happier or better off for his walls.

Trying to be invulnerable may feel like a smart thing to do to avoid pain, but in the end is much more likely to make one lonely, angry, isolated, and without a real sense of community. It's also a kind of myth. Really we're all just frail humans hanging out on the planet for what amounts to a nanosecond in geological time.
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post #84 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:01 AM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.

Although -- on the flipside, there is such a thing as too vulnerable.
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post #85 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.

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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
Although -- on the flipside, there is such a thing as too vulnerable.
@heartsbeating a long time ago in my marriage my wife encouraged me to avoid dealing with my sexual frustrations alone (masturbation), and that I should always come to her instead. I honestly tried and convinced myself it was the best thing to do, but she still rejected me repeatedly. She later said that she hoped that if I learned to completely stop masturating that I would learn to want less sex. That freaking hurt at the time!

Looking back, she was simply using her own sexuality as a model to try and help relieve some of her own anxieties of feeling inadequate and unattractive. At the time she was struggling to loose weight she gained during pregnancy.... hmmmm I am now looking at that with even a little more compassion after seeing myself type that!

Things have progressed a lot since then and we NOW have learned accept and respect our differences. THIS is allowing us to become more vulnerable, and I completely agree that it is worthwhile!

I think @wild jade is also right. In the earlier stages of relationships it is not really possible to know and accept your partner if you are still going through that process to learn who you are for yourself. So if someone becomes too vulnerable BEFORE they actually fully know and accept themselves and really understand human nature, well... that is why pyramid and ponzi schemes will always exist.
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post #86 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Although -- on the flipside, there is such a thing as too vulnerable.
Perhaps it depends on what being vulnerable means to us... being 'too vulnerable' doesn't compute with how I view things. It can be tricky for most of us to cultivate being vulnerable in the first place. And if we do, we're able to love, accept and acknowledge ourselves first to then share that authenticity and openness. Sure, there could be considered a risk to that.

We're here on this big ball of dirt for the blink of an eye. Maybe it's also beneficial not to take ourselves too seriously. I'll exit stage left here.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #87 of 87 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 07:24 AM
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Re: The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?

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Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
Perhaps it depends on what being vulnerable means to us... being 'too vulnerable' doesn't compute with how I view things. It can be tricky for most of us to cultivate being vulnerable in the first place. And if we do, we're able to love, accept and acknowledge ourselves first to then share that authenticity and openness. Sure, there could be considered a risk to that.

We're here on this big ball of dirt for the blink of an eye. Maybe it's also beneficial not to take ourselves too seriously. I'll exit stage left here.
I think @badsanta got it right. Some people put their faith, trust, and love into the wrong people and let themselves be trampled in the process. Or they put up with things that no reasonable person should have to put up with.

I would not, to pick an extreme example, advise a victim of domestic abuse to be more vulnerable. I would suggest that they'd be better off with some great big thick walls between them and their abuser. Physical and psychological.
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