Different sex drives - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by UMP View Post
Me: male HD, Wife LD/reactive desire.
25 year marriage.

Do not let the LD know that you need sex as much as you need food or water. Even if you told them it would make no sense to them, so stop. It's useless.
Well of COURSE it doesn't make sense to the LD! You will physically DIE without food or water. You will NOT physically die without sex!

If you tell this to an LD, an LD will simply see it as a gross (and obviously untrue) exaggeration in order for the HD to get sex.
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post #17 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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Well of COURSE it doesn't make sense to the LD! You will physically DIE without food or water. You will NOT physically die without sex!

If you tell this to an LD, an LD will simply see it as a gross (and obviously untrue) exaggeration in order for the HD to get sex.
But it seems unfair to deny the HD person the way in which they feel connection. The HD person tries to do whatever the LD persons needs to feel love. Why not reciprocate?

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post #18 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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But it seems unfair to deny the HD person the way in which they feel connection. The HD person tries to do whatever the LD persons needs to feel love. Why not reciprocate?

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Especially if the LD continues to masterbate. I think masterbating is healthy, but is it still if the LD persons choses that over sex knowing full well that they're neglecting their parter?

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:42 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #19 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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I agree that BOTH people are often trying to "impress" their potential partner, but impression management isn't just limited to sex (I'm confident that you already know this, but I want to expand on it for a moment...).

My late husband sold me a false bill of goods non-sexually FIRST. He figured that if he could convince me that he was a "good enough guy to sleep with", that I would be under the "spell" of his sexual prowess, and "good sex" would make up for any glaring character flaws he may have had. When he would hear my complaints about other relationships, he would chuckle, as if the "other guy" was an "idiot" for not doing x, y and z.

But HE didn't do x, y and z either, which I discovered over time. When I raised these issues, he said, "A guy can't keep up that façade forever!" Hence, I was losing the emotional attraction and TRUST for him. He was not the person he pretended to be.

Sex was severely impacted, yet he couldn't seem to understand WHY. In his mind, I should still want to have sex with him despite his constant lies, angry, controlling, egotistical, condescending, racist, bigoted attitudes.
This was my experience with my XH, almost word for word. Except:

1) my XH didn't admit to faking his entire personality until I had started the divorce proceedings and knew I would never take him back.

2) my XH was the one denying me sex, who was LD and didn't give a sh!t about what I needed to be happy in the relationship. I had to get him drunk to get him to have sex with me, and even then he treated it like a chore.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #20 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Especially if the LD continues to masterbate. I think masterbating is healthy, but is it still if the LD persons choses that over sex knowing full well that they're neglecting their parter?

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Perhaps they're neglecting their partner because they're partner(s) were/are neglecting them[/I]?

As someone else brought up, one reason why the LD can be LD is because they're not having orgasms.

I'll tell you a little secret....when it comes to MOST orgasmic women having an orgasm, thrusting, for MOST women doesn't cut it! Most orgasmic women need constant stimulation to their clitoris. That is, they need the 'right' amount of pressure, with the 'right' amount of moisture, for the 'right' amount of time. When a man thrusts, he most often misses the 'mark'. Thrusting is like applying stimulation and taking it away. The movement isn't constant enough for long enough for her to achieve an orgasm.

There was only one partner I had who did NOT thrust. Every time we had intercourse, I achieved an orgasm. Every. Single. Time.

I tried to explain this to my late husband. He was too egotistical to want to try it by claiming that how I explained it would be "boring". Sweetie, if I'm having orgasm, I'm DEFINITELY NOT going to be "bored"!

What he meant was that HE would be 'bored'. Of course, thrusting provided HIM with the 'right' kind of stimulation that HE needed. He definitely wasn't 'bored'.

It got to the point where I relied on masturbation (that I did NOT share with him) because I knew that I wouldn't be having an orgasm any time soon with him. I had an orgasm with him through intercourse TWICE in 9years.

No wonder I became LD...

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:42 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #21 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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But it seems unfair to deny the HD person the way in which they feel connection. The HD person tries to do whatever the LD persons needs to feel love. Why not reciprocate?
Even though the HD person may try everything to make the LD feel loved, the LD will often view it instead as manipulation for more sex. The LD will not reciprocate because the LD does not wish to manipulate others in any way.

This problem is in my opinion a manifestation of the LD's low self esteem and feel that they are unworthy of being loved. Instead of actually feeling loved, they give into their low self esteem that convinces them that they are just being used. It becomes a vicious cycle.

"No More Mr Nice Guy" addresses this problem indirectly for men in that it suggests that HD men need to focus on caring and loving themselves first. The result is that the LD wife will usually respond well to her husband's attempts of self improvement and self happiness because it takes the spotlight off of her anxieties of having to face her own low self esteem (from attention she was getting). Ultimately this is still problematic because the wife is still struggling with low self esteem and that the real problem while alleviated is never actually addressed.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:42 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #22 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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And if he WOULD leave me, if I don't have sex with him, does HE really love ME?
And if you don't have sex with him, do you really have a marriage to begin with?
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post #23 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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Even though the HD person may try everything to make the LD feel loved, the LD will often view it instead as manipulation for more sex. The LD will not reciprocate because the LD does not wish to manipulate others in any way.

This problem is in my opinion a manifestation of the LD's low self esteem and feel that they are unworthy of being loved. Instead of actually feeling loved, they give into their low self esteem that convinces them that they are just being used. It becomes a vicious cycle.

"No More Mr Nice Guy" addresses this problem indirectly for men in that it suggests that HD men need to focus on caring and loving themselves first. The result is that the LD wife will usually respond well to her husband's attempts of self improvement and self happiness because it takes the spotlight off of her anxieties of having to face her own low self esteem (from attention she was getting). Ultimately this is still problematic because the wife is still struggling with low self esteem and that the real problem while alleviated is never actually addressed.

Badsanta
It seems like there is no happy medium

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post #24 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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And if you don't have sex with him, do you really have a marriage to begin with?
That's what I think. It becomes more like a roommate situation.

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post #25 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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It seems like there is no happy medium
If the HD wants to make the LD feel loved in a way to benefit the relationship, at the end of the day I think it is persistence that will work. The HD however has to be rather vulnerable and patient throughout this process. There can be no expectations other than trying to make your spouse feel loved and start confirming that to you by improving communication.

In other words, it is a long and rather tedious process.

There is no quick fix, other than placing a lot of focus on just trying to have "fun" being around each other and always staying positive. The benefits of this do allow momentary breakthroughs during the long process of working on your self development as a couple.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:41 AM.
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post #26 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Even though the HD person may try everything to make the LD feel loved, the LD will often view it instead as manipulation for more sex. The LD will not reciprocate because the LD does not wish to manipulate others in any way.
Yes Badsanta, because at the end of the day, it IS about sex!

Quote:
This problem is in my opinion a manifestation of the LD's low self esteem and feel that they are unworthy of being loved. Instead of actually feeling loved, they give into their low self esteem that convinces them that they are just being used. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Depends on the LD. When I was LD, it wasn't because of "low self-esteem". In fact, it was the complete opposite. I wasn't about to have sex with a man who I KNEW didn't love me. If anything, my self-esteem was high enough to stop 'giving' to a man who was selfish. Even our therapists agreed to that.

There are a number of reasons why someone can become LD, and some of those reasons can be very complex. It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of dilemma.

There ARE some LD's who simply don't want/need that much sex. There's nothing "wrong" with them, and many LD's resent the idea that there is.
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post #27 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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And if you don't have sex with him, do you really have a marriage to begin with?
It depends. How much sex do you have to have with your spouse in order to have a "marriage" for the duration of the marriage? If you can't have sex with your spouse for medical reasons, do you still have a marriage? How about if you're deployed overseas for a year?
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post #28 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Yes Badsanta, because at the end of the day, it IS about sex!



Depends on the LD. When I was LD, it wasn't because of "low self-esteem". In fact, it was the complete opposite. I wasn't about to have sex with a man who I KNEW didn't love me. If anything, my self-esteem was high enough to stop 'giving' to a man who was selfish. Even our therapists agreed to that.

There are a number of reasons why someone can become LD, and some of those reasons can be very complex. It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of dilemma.

There ARE some LD's who simply don't want/need that much sex. There's nothing "wrong" with them, and many LD's resent the idea that there is.
OH COME ON!!!! @Vega by this time you should know that HD folks can not take the blame for anything. That is why it takes a LLLLOOOOOONNNGGGG time to resolve with the HD being vulnerable and patient.

I expected more from you than that! Don't mess with my process, I know what I am doing!

Badsanta
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post #29 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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It depends. How much sex do you have to have with your spouse in order to have a "marriage" for the duration of the marriage? If you can't have sex with your spouse for medical reasons, do you still have a marriage? How about if you're deployed overseas for a year?
Those are different circumstances then choosing to not have sex. By actively avoiding sex in what should otherwise be a happy marriage is not the same as being physically incapable of it. My husband's lack of interest in me leaves me feeling undesirable. I'd love to have sex 2-3 times a week. An amount that which he believes qualifies me to be a sex addict.

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post #30 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

I agree that love out of fear is not love for either and is never a good situation.

Having sex out of fear that someone will leave is not good.


OTOH, leaving because of a lack of sex does seem OK to me. Actually I think it is OK to leave for almost any reason: there are very few valid reasons for anyone to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy.

No one should ever be pressured into sex, but no one should ever feel stuck in a relationship where the sex is bad.


So - leaving due to a bad sex life is OK, but threatening to leave is not.




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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
snip

I DO believe that love out of fear isn't real love for EITHER person.

If I have sex with 'him' out of fear that he'll leave me if I don't, do *I* really love him?

And if he WOULD leave me, if I don't have sex with him, does HE really love ME?
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