Different sex drives - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I agree that love out of fear is not love for either and is never a good situation.

Having sex out of fear that someone will leave is not good.


OTOH, leaving because of a lack of sex does seem OK to me. Actually I think it is OK to leave for almost any reason: there are very few valid reasons for anyone to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy.

No one should ever be pressured into sex, but no one should ever feel stuck in a relationship where the sex is bad.


So - leaving due to a bad sex life is OK, but threatening to leave is not.
Agreed

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post #32 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

Here is an interesting observation I made. I have been the higher drive person in my marriage. For a variety of reasons I have been on the lower side the last 3+ months or so. I can understand that being of a lower drive, you really do have limited incentive/motivation when it comes to sex. However, and I think this is important to note, what I found is as a lower drive person I am just not the same person to my W in terms of affection/interest. This isn't being done consciously, but my drive is part of who I am. My point in all this is that for those lower drive persons who maybe wish their higher drive SO would come back down closer to their level, don't be surprised if you don't quite like the outcome. This is in no way an attack on LD people, just an observation at myself being a mostly HD person to having periods of LD.
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post #33 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:53 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

So many different situations and issues here.

A: If you have a partner who does not do everything they can to please you in bed, then it is perfectly reasonable to rarely or never want sex.

B: If other parts of your relationship are broken, or your partner is physically or behaviorally undesirable, it is perfectly reasonable to rarely or never want sex.


C: Trying to explain what sex for a HD is like to a LD is difficult. Nothing is quite the same. One more try: imagine that social norms required you to eat the same foods as your partner. Now imagine that your partner is only willing to eat McDonalds hamburgers and salads, no sauce, dressing etc, and vitamins as needed. Nothing else ever. You can live on that (baring some very long term health effects). Your are wealthy enough to eat whatever you want, around you people are eating apples, drinking fresh orange juice, chocolate, steaks etc. All you get year after year is McDonalds. They don't understand why anyone would eat anything else.


D: Some LDs do not believe that sex is important. "you are like a child complaining that they can't always have dessert". They have no interest in changing the situation because they do not see anythinf wrong with it and nothing the HD says will convince them otherwise.


A and B are things that the HD can change. If that is the situation, then they can fix it.

If A and B are false, and D is false, then the LD may recognize the importance of sex to the HD. They may be willing to provide it as a "gift" to someone that they love, even if they don't enjoy it themselves (despite "A" the HD making their best efforts).

So if A and B are false and D is true, then what is suggested? There is nothing the HD can do, but because of D, the LD doesn't have any interest in changing their behavior.


For most of the HD posters here, A and B are false, but D is true. Otherwise they wouldn't have a problem to complain about.

For most of the LD posters here, either A or B is true, so they reasonably feel that being LD makes sense. For some D may also be true, and they use A and B to justify their feelings that sex isn't important.

Someone for whom D is true but A and B are false will rarely be posting here because sex is not important to them.
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post #34 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

If you were with someone who was generally a good to you and in particular did everything they could to please you in bed, do you think you would enjoy frequent sex?

I ask because there are some currently LD people who would, and some who would not. There are very few who would not who are on these boards, but if you are one of them, it would be interesting to know.



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Perhaps they're neglecting their partner because they're partner(s) were/are neglecting them[/I]?

As someone else brought up, one reason why the LD can be LD is because they're not having orgasms.

I'll tell you a little secret....when it comes to MOST orgasmic women having an orgasm, thrusting, for MOST women doesn't cut it! Most orgasmic women need constant stimulation to their clitoris. That is, they need the 'right' amount of pressure, with the 'right' amount of moisture, for the 'right' amount of time. When a man thrusts, he most often misses the 'mark'. Thrusting is like applying stimulation and taking it away. The movement isn't constant enough for long enough for her to achieve an orgasm.

There was only one partner I had who did NOT thrust. Every time we had intercourse, I achieved an orgasm. Every. Single. Time.

I tried to explain this to my late husband. He was too egotistical to want to try it by claiming that how I explained it would be "boring". Sweetie, if I'm having orgasm, I'm DEFINITELY NOT going to be "bored"!

What he meant was that HE would be 'bored'. Of course, thrusting provided HIM with the 'right' kind of stimulation that HE needed. He definitely wasn't 'bored'.

It got to the point where I relied on masturbation (that I did NOT share with him) because I knew that I wouldn't be having an orgasm any time soon with him. I had an orgasm with him through intercourse TWICE in 9years.

No wonder I became LD...
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post #35 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Here is an interesting observation I made. I have been the higher drive person in my marriage. For a variety of reasons I have been on the lower side the last 3+ months or so. I can understand that being of a lower drive, you really do have limited incentive/motivation when it comes to sex. However, and I think this is important to note, what I found is as a lower drive person I am just not the same person to my W in terms of affection/interest. This isn't being done consciously, but my drive is part of who I am. My point in all this is that for those lower drive persons who maybe wish their higher drive SO would come back down closer to their level, don't be surprised if you don't quite like the outcome. This is in no way an attack on LD people, just an observation at myself being a mostly HD person to having periods of LD.
I think in terms of affection/interest, to SOME LD's, a 'lull' in the HD's drive may welcomed, as in before, affection/interest from the HD usually ='d SEX.

For others however, the LD may miss the physical contact (hugs, kisses, cuddles, hand-holding, snuggles, etc.)
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post #36 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
I'd love to have sex 2-3 times a week. An amount that which he believes qualifies me to be a sex addict.
@Vega you can also see here that the LD will not accept the blame either and will accuse an HD person of being an "addict." By definition an addiction is something that prevents you from functioning in normal everyday life. I highly doubt sex 2-3 times a week would come anywhere close to that definition. Also don't forget that we are here to help the original poster (OP).

In a sexual mismatch, usually BOTH people require some sort of personal development, and that process takes time. Both people are usually completely normal just the way they are, but don't exactly know how to communicate and accommodate each other in a mutually beneficial way yet sexually.

@Mollymolz do NOT allow your husband to shame you!

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Last edited by EleGirl; 03-01-2017 at 12:50 PM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #37 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

This can lead to some problems as well.

My wife wants long hugs, intimate kisses, massages, and lying naked together in bed - but not sex. For me those things are arousing enough that it is very frustrating to do those and never continue to sex. (sometimes is fine, but I mean almost never).

It leads to a real gap in physical intimacy. She doesn't want sex but wants other close physical contact. I don't want close physical contact and no sex, so we end up with almost nothing, less than what either wants.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
I think in terms of affection/interest, to SOME LD's, a 'lull' in the HD's drive may welcomed, as in before, affection/interest from the HD usually ='d SEX.

For others however, the LD may miss the physical contact (hugs, kisses, cuddles, hand-holding, snuggles, etc.)
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post #38 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:44 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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@Vega you can also see here that the LD will not accept the blame either and will accuse an HD person of being an "addict." By definition an addiction is something that prevents you from functioning in normal everyday life. I highly doubt sex 2-3 times a week would come anywhere close to that definition. Also don't forget that we are here to help the original poster (OP).

In a sexual mismatch, usually BOTH people require some sort of personal development, and that process takes time. Both people are usually completely normal just the way they are, but don't exactly know how to communicate and accommodate each other in a mutually beneficial way yet sexually.

@Mollymolz; do NOT allow your husband to shame you!

Badsanta
I think you may have me confused with someone else, Badsanta. After my experiences with my late husband, I would have killed to ONLY have sex 2-3 times a week! Two or three times a week hardly rises to the title of sex "addict".

I don't even think that every day rises to that degree, either.

Not. Even. Close.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:40 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #39 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

This comes back to the range of issues here.

Some people are being pressured for sex more than daily. Others are turning it down more frequently than once every month or so, and some want no sex ever (multiple years).

While I don't want to have hard limits on "normal", I see roughly a weekly to a several times a week as pretty typical, and its often not reasonable to push for substantially more or less than that. (everything else being OK).


Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
I think you may have me confused with someone else, Badsanta. After my experiences with my late husband, I would have killed to ONLY have sex 2-3 times a week! Two or three times a week hardly rises to the title of sex "addict".

I don't even think that every day rises to that degree, either.

Not. Even. Close.
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post #40 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 06:32 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

In my experience, it is very rare to satisfactorily resolve a significant difference in sex drive. You can live with the problem - and be forever frustrated and probably resentful - or realize that you are incompatible and move on.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #41 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

Early in our relationship my H and I had very similar sex drives. Our only sexual limitation was how many condoms we could afford on our very limited poor starving college student budget. There were weeks when we lived on nothing but Ramen noodles and dry cereal but at least we had condoms! And yeah there were a few times we engaged in risky behavior, reusing them when we couldn't afford more.

I lost interest in sex when it became apparent to me how little of an emotional connection we had. I didn't recognize it early in our relationship but after about 4-5 years it became pretty obvious. He never looked me in the eyes, never kissed me, stopped caring if I enjoyed it. Stopped spending time with me outside the bedroom. Worst of all his mother became increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive to me and he wouldn't stand up for me against her. He wasn't willing to work on our relationship outside the bedroom so I no longer wanted a relationship in the bedroom. I still met his need for sex 1-2 times a week though. I got NOTHING in return from him. Toward the end we didn't even sleep in the same room and some nights he didn't even come home.

Years after we separated, he was diagnosed with high functioning autism. I don't know how much this may have contributed to his lack of emotion, but I know he hasn't been able to maintain another LTR for more than a couple of years at a time. We were together for 12 years.

One could say we had a HD/LD mismatch through most of our marriage. Whether that accurately reflects our actual drive level I'm not sure. I do know that he has bed hopped on a regular basis for the past decade, while I havent gone on a date or had sex even once since the last time I slept with him back in 2007. I would say that his HD is the reason for his sleeping around, but I don't consider myself LD just because I choose not to do the same. I don't sleep around because it goes against everything I was raised to believe in. We are still legally married - therefore I don't have sex with other men.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #42 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post

C: Trying to explain what sex for a HD is like to a LD is difficult. Nothing is quite the same. One more try: imagine that social norms required you to eat the same foods as your partner. Now imagine that your partner is only willing to eat McDonalds hamburgers and salads, no sauce, dressing etc, and vitamins as needed. Nothing else ever. You can live on that (baring some very long term health effects). Your are wealthy enough to eat whatever you want, around you people are eating apples, drinking fresh orange juice, chocolate, steaks etc. All you get year after year is McDonalds. They don't understand why anyone would eat anything else.
Coming from an LD point of view, *I* can use the same analogy.

The LD sees the HD as wanting steak. Doesn't matter if it's filet mignon, chateaubriand or London broil, it's still steak. Doesn't matter if you broil it, sautee it, or even fry it, it's still steak! Doesn't matter if you smother it in mushrooms, or add a nice creamy garlic-butter sauce, it's still steak! And it's steak megatimes a week.

Couldn't you eat something that's NOT steak for a change? There's chicken, fish, pasta, pork, organ meats, salads, etc. But the HD ONLY wants steak.

How about one more analogy...

The HD goes to an amusement park with the LD. The HD ONLY wants to ride on the biggest, fastest, highest roller coaster; the one that twists and turns and flips upside down in 5 places. No other ride will do. And the HD wants to ride it over and over and over and over...you get the message.

There are numerous other rides and things to do/see in the park. If you manage to get the HD away from the roller coaster, it's like the HD becomes anxious. The HD wants to know WHEN (s)he can go back to the roller coaster.

Doing anything over and over again can get boring after a while.

Maybe the LD is just plain bored.
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post #43 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
I think in terms of affection/interest, to SOME LD's, a 'lull' in the HD's drive may welcomed, as in before, affection/interest from the HD usually ='d SEX.

For others however, the LD may miss the physical contact (hugs, kisses, cuddles, hand-holding, snuggles, etc.)
Very true, every situation will be different. I know in my situation it would be the latter as my W will frequently comment that she misses those things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
This can lead to some problems as well.

My wife wants long hugs, intimate kisses, massages, and lying naked together in bed - but not sex. For me those things are arousing enough that it is very frustrating to do those and never continue to sex. (sometimes is fine, but I mean almost never).

It leads to a real gap in physical intimacy. She doesn't want sex but wants other close physical contact. I don't want close physical contact and no sex, so we end up with almost nothing, less than what either wants.
It amazes me that for the two bolded items anyone would want those and not get aroused enough to want sex I know if that was the case for me, I would rather just avoid those situations altogether. It is tough, and I think the problem is when neither people are willing to find some middle ground (or moreso maybe one person is willing to find some middle ground but the other is not willing).
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post #44 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
If you were with someone who was generally a good to you and in particular did everything they could to please you in bed, do you think you would enjoy frequent sex?

I ask because there are some currently LD people who would, and some who would not. There are very few who would not who are on these boards, but if you are one of them, it would be interesting to know.
Define "frequent" sex. Would I want sex 2-3 times a day again, if the relationship was GREAT?

No.

For me, that's TOO much sex. At 59 years old, the mere thought of masturbating just about knocks the wind out of me, lol!

In all honesty, I'm a bit jaded with the whole must-have-sex- 'X' -amount- of- times-per-week...thing. Sex is too 'goal oriented' for me. It's the difference between getting into the car and going for a drive as opposed to driving to a destination. The 'destination' of sex seems to be the orgasm, and so many people focus on that, that they don't pay much attention to the journey.

I realize that there aren't a lot of men like me (especially at my age), but I'm willing to wait.

And if waiting means that I'll never have what I'm looking for (I know it exists; it's just rare), that's o.k. I can still enjoy my life WITHOUT sex. I'm happy!
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post #45 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:49 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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I'm jealous, too. It didn't work for us, but sexless was just one part of the problem.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:38 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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