Different sex drives - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

In your analogy do you view all forms of sex as "steak", or is the issue a partner who wants a very limited set of sexual activities?

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
Coming from an LD point of view, *I* can use the same analogy.

The LD sees the HD as wanting steak. Doesn't matter if it's filet mignon, chateaubriand or London broil, it's still steak. Doesn't matter if you broil it, sautee it, or even fry it, it's still steak! Doesn't matter if you smother it in mushrooms, or add a nice creamy garlic-butter sauce, it's still steak! And it's steak megatimes a week.

Couldn't you eat something that's NOT steak for a change? There's chicken, fish, pasta, pork, organ meats, salads, etc. But the HD ONLY wants steak.

How about one more analogy...

The HD goes to an amusement park with the LD. The HD ONLY wants to ride on the biggest, fastest, highest roller coaster; the one that twists and turns and flips upside down in 5 places. No other ride will do. And the HD wants to ride it over and over and over and over...you get the message.

There are numerous other rides and things to do/see in the park. If you manage to get the HD away from the roller coaster, it's like the HD becomes anxious. The HD wants to know WHEN (s)he can go back to the roller coaster.

Doing anything over and over again can get boring after a while.

Maybe the LD is just plain bored.
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post #47 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

Sorry, I should have defined "frequent". I meant 2-3 times / week.

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
Define "frequent" sex. Would I want sex 2-3 times a day again, if the relationship was GREAT?

No.

For me, that's TOO much sex. At 59 years old, the mere thought of masturbating just about knocks the wind out of me, lol!

In all honesty, I'm a bit jaded with the whole must-have-sex- 'X' -amount- of- times-per-week...thing. Sex is too 'goal oriented' for me. It's the difference between getting into the car and going for a drive as opposed to driving to a destination. The 'destination' of sex seems to be the orgasm, and so many people focus on that, that they don't pay much attention to the journey.

I realize that there aren't a lot of men like me (especially at my age), but I'm willing to wait.

And if waiting means that I'll never have what I'm looking for (I know it exists; it's just rare), that's o.k. I can still enjoy my life WITHOUT sex. I'm happy!
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post #48 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Here is an interesting observation I made. I have been the higher drive person in my marriage. For a variety of reasons I have been on the lower side the last 3+ months or so. I can understand that being of a lower drive, you really do have limited incentive/motivation when it comes to sex. However, and I think this is important to note, what I found is as a lower drive person I am just not the same person to my W in terms of affection/interest. This isn't being done consciously, but my drive is part of who I am. My point in all this is that for those lower drive persons who maybe wish their higher drive SO would come back down closer to their level, don't be surprised if you don't quite like the outcome. This is in no way an attack on LD people, just an observation at myself being a mostly HD person to having periods of LD.
Very true. VERY true.

I'm not sure I'd qualify as HD or LD. Kind of middle of the road. What I do know is that for the past year or so I've been very LD toward my wife, after years of being the one trying to chase after her. The mismatch between us has worn me down to the point where I really just don't desire her anymore. To Vega's point, this may be welcome by my wife--I honestly don't know because I don't seem to register on her radar at all most of the time. I can tell you though that along with my desire, my overall feelings toward her have taken a hit. We're friendly, we laugh, we cooperate---but I just can't really dredge up any romantic feelings for her anymore.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #49 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
In your analogy do you view all forms of sex as "steak", or is the issue a partner who wants a very limited set of sexual activities?
Lol that's kind of what I thought. Needing variety and spice is definitely needed. The analogy should be comparing going to the amusement park and riding all the rides and not going at all.

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post #50 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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Very true. VERY true.

I'm not sure I'd qualify as HD or LD. Kind of middle of the road. What I do know is that for the past year or so I've been very LD toward my wife, after years of being the one trying to chase after her. The mismatch between us has worn me down to the point where I really just don't desire her anymore. To Vega's point, this may be welcome by my wife--I honestly don't know because I don't seem to register on her radar at all most of the time. I can tell you though that along with my desire, my overall feelings toward her have taken a hit. We're friendly, we laugh, we cooperate---but I just can't really dredge up any romantic feelings for her anymore.
So then are you ready LD or have circumstances just made you like that toward her? If so, I get it. A person can only put themselves out there for so long before getting hurt and moving on emotionally.

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post #51 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:57 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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So then are you ready LD or have circumstances just made you like that toward her? If so, I get it. A person can only put themselves out there for so long before getting hurt and moving on emotionally.

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I'm only LD toward her. I do still have spontaneous arousal etc. But years of trying to deal with mismatch has just put me off her. Maybe it will change at some point. Maybe not. I just don't have the desire to try anymore. The ball is in her court.

We've had sex a grand total of 4 times since February. Each time made me feel worse than before. The last time, a couple of weeks ago, she made a comment afterward that I seemed like I was all happy and glowing. Mentally, I told her to not give herself so much credit. In truth, I felt absolutely nothing.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:26 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #52 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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I'm only LD toward her. I do still have spontaneous arousal etc. But years of trying to deal with mismatch has just put me off her. Maybe it will change at some point. Maybe not. I just don't have the desire to try anymore. The ball is in her court.
I've tried that method. The ball usually stays there for a long time.

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post #53 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:02 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
I've tried that method. The ball usually stays there for a long time.

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Yeah I know what you mean, but for me at this point, it's not a method. I'm not trying to wait her out. I'm just done.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:24 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #54 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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Yeah I know what you mean, but for me at this point, it's not a method. I'm not trying to wait her out. I'm just done.
Fair enough. That's difficult. I'm sorry.

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post #55 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:37 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
In your analogy do you view all forms of sex as "steak", or is the issue a partner who wants a very limited set of sexual activities?
I'm viewing sex as anything to get you to the point of orgasm with a partner. Intercourse, Handjobs, b.j.s, cunnilingus, mutual masturbation, etc. Mostly intercourse (PIV).

It's not that the partner has a limited set of sexual activities; it's that the activities seem to ALWAYS include a predictable pattern that includes SOME kind of stimulation to orgasm, mostly through PIV. A couple could swing naked on a chandelier, lick every inch of his or her partner's body, take a long sensuous bath together...and it's usually going to end with SOMEONE having an orgasm USUALLY through PIV.

Ellis wrote that he couldn't see intimate kissing/lying naked next to someone in bed and NOT be aroused enough to want to have sex with that person. *MY* thinking is, why NOT?! Why can't we simply take the orgasm out of the equation for a change?

I'm willing to bet that if more HD's did that, the LD would see the HD in a completely different light.


BTW, while you probably know by now that I'm not fond of 'routines', I don't see "frequent" as 2-3 times a week. I see that frequency as pretty "low key".
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post #56 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 04:04 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
It's funny that you mention this!

I recently read how women are* tired (a.k.a. bored) of the mechanical pattern that we call "sex". Some amount of "foreplay", followed by penetration (of some sort), followed by male orgasm, usually signaling the "end of sex". Rinse and repeat "x" amount of times per week.

No matter how much you try to 'dress it up', in the end, it still follows some kind of pattern/routine. This is why whenever I hear about people saying that they want sex "x" amount of times per week, I cringe. It's already being turned into a routine and routines become BORING after a while.

Perhaps it's another explanation as to WHY so many people (especially women) lose interest in sex and become LD and I've wondered how many people would have a renewed interest in a new kind of sex that does NOT always (mostly) strive for the goal of orgasm...?

(*= When I say that women "are" tired etc., the book I read was written in the early 1970's. I saw that a lot of what was written still applies today.)
In your experience. Mine is different, we have sex at a minimum 7 times per week, usually 10 times and 3 of these are "routine" in that I like to send him on his way with a smile in the morning.

None of the rest is "routine" except for the outcome which is BOTH of us ending to completion. It is funny but even though we have sex every night it is never routine, it is actually very spontaneous in that we sort of know it will happen but the actual way it happens is not pre planned. The only real given if is we have had a few wines then it is usually wilder than if no wine but apart from that there is no predictability to the experience.
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post #57 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 04:04 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
Very true. VERY true.

I'm not sure I'd qualify as HD or LD. Kind of middle of the road. What I do know is that for the past year or so I've been very LD toward my wife, after years of being the one trying to chase after her. The mismatch between us has worn me down to the point where I really just don't desire her anymore. To Vega's point, this may be welcome by my wife--I honestly don't know because I don't seem to register on her radar at all most of the time. I can tell you though that along with my desire, my overall feelings toward her have taken a hit. We're friendly, we laugh, we cooperate---but I just can't really dredge up any romantic feelings for her anymore.
The bolded is the big risk. I know I have heard people comment that they aren't LD, but they have become LD to a certain person or based on circumstances, so I think this is a very real possibility (i.e. an unintended consequence).
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post #58 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
I've tried that method. The ball usually stays there for a long time.

Badsanta's Pick Up Artist Moves for Your Reluctant Spouse #2055 We Are Having Sex, But We Are Keeping Our Pants On!


Surprise you reluctant partner by handing them to remote to a remote control vibrator. Claim the vibrator is positioned for ideal sexual stimulation for you, but in reality just have it somewhere discrete like in your inside-coat pocket or something, or don't even have it on you at all! The remote can even just be a key FOB that no longer works, but claim to him it is "disguised that way on purpose!" Then be ready to play out a role playing scenario. Whenever your partner pushes the button, pretend the vibrator is way more freaking powerful than you ever imagined. Beg him to stop and even if he tries make him think the remote is broken and that it will not stop. Get onto the floor and pretend to start going into convulsions as if you are having orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. Beg him to make it stop by pulling off your pants and removing the vibrator.

OK, this is where it gets good!

Claim the vibrator is inserted deeply inside you and that he will need to gently reach in, try to feel it, and help you remove it. Obviously you can not do this because you are having pretend spasm after pretend spasm and can not even control yourself. As he reaches into you to try and help you remove the vibrator (that is not there by the way), relax a little and say that whatever he is doing really helps. Tell him not to stop, because whatever his hand is doing is finally giving you a break from all the nonstop pretend orgasms. Pretend to calm down while still having gentle pretend orgasms and hug him while asking him to keep his fingers inserted for a moment. Calm all the way down and say that you will now try and get it out. Jump up and goto the bathroom.

Return calmed down, tell him that you flushed that stupid remote vibrator down the toilet, and that you are never ever going to try that again. Ask him if he feels the same? Thank him for helping you. See what he has to say...

The purpose of this is not to trick your spouse into fingering you, but more for exposing them to an "erotic emergency" to see how he will respond. Odds are he may feel guilty for pressing the button, but also amazed to discover that you can have what seemed to be a nonstop series of powerful orgasms. It is likely that his own sexual response to witnessing this will cause him to become very aroused, and the adrenaline from thinking you were in an emergency situation will catch all his feelings off guard. He may respond very well or perhaps not. Odds are he will get aroused and the adrenaline will super power that arousal, and for once you will have your husband right where you want him, extremely aroused and unable to control his feelings of being very aroused for you.

Cheers,
Badsanta

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:24 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #59 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post

Badsanta's Pick Up Artist Moves for Your Reluctant Spouse #2055 We Are Having Sex, But We Are Keeping Our Pants On!


Surprise you reluctant partner by handing them to remote to a remote control vibrator. Claim the vibrator is positioned for ideal sexual stimulation for you, but in reality just have it somewhere discrete like in your inside-coat pocket or something, or don't even have it on you at all! The remote can even just be a key FOB that no longer works, but claim to him it is "disguised that way on purpose!" Then be ready to play out a role playing scenario. Whenever your partner pushes the button, pretend the vibrator is way more freaking powerful than you ever imagined. Beg him to stop and even if he tries make him think the remote is broken and that it will not stop. Get onto the floor and pretend to start going into convulsions as if you are having orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. Beg him to make it stop by pulling off your pants and removing the vibrator.

OK, this is where it gets good!

Claim the vibrator is inserted deeply inside you and that he will need to gently reach in, try to feel it, and help you remove it. Obviously you can not do this because you are having pretend spasm after pretend spasm and can not even control yourself. As he reaches into you to try and help you remove the vibrator (that is not there by the way), relax a little and say that whatever he is doing really helps. Tell him not to stop, because whatever his hand is doing is finally giving you a break from all the nonstop pretend orgasms. Pretend to calm down while still having gentle pretend orgasms and hug him while asking him to keep his fingers inserted for a moment. Calm all the way down and say that you will now try and get it out. Jump up and goto the bathroom.

Return calmed down, tell him that you flushed that stupid remote vibrator down the toilet, and that you are never ever going to try that again. Ask him if he feels the same? Thank him for helping you. See what he has to say...

The purpose of this is not to trick your spouse into fingering you, but more for exposing them to an "erotic emergency" to see how he will respond. Odds are he may feel guilty for pressing the button, but also amazed to discover that you can have what seemed to be a nonstop series of powerful orgasms. It is likely that his own sexual response to witnessing this will cause him to become very aroused, and the adrenaline from thinking you were in an emergency situation will catch all his feelings off guard. He may respond very well or perhaps not. Odds are he will get aroused and the adrenaline will super power that arousal, and for once you will have your husband right where you want him, extremely aroused and unable to control his feelings of being very aroused for you.

Cheers,
Badsanta
That's too funny. Although I think he'd call bull**** right away worth a try though?

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post #60 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

That is very interesting, and again shows variations in how people think about sex.

To me there is a continuum from hand holding to kissing to passionate kissing / petting to erotic touches, to sex to orgasm. There is no clear dividing line, but once people start to get aroused, I can't imagine any reason not to continue to an O for both.

For my wife there is a sharp divider at any genital contact. Pretty much anything less, she enjoys, wants to do, but usually doesn't find sexually arousing. She very rarely wants "sex" by which she means any genital contact, but she finds that arousing and almost always has an O.

Vega, so I can understand, when you talk about "activities" without an O, do you also draw a line at genital contact, or is even that OK but you don't want an O? do you find passionate kissing, cuddling naked etc to be sexually arousing, or is it nice in a different non-sexual way?



Your comment that 2-3 times / week is "low key" shows just how wide a range there is. I think my wife and I have engaged in sexual activity 3 times one week, less than 4 weeks out of 30 years (and I'm including our honeymoon and anniversary trips). When we have these HD/LD discussions, people need to mention actual frequencies more.


At least in my case "taking the orgasm out of the equation" doesn't change things- its almost always out of the equation anyway.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
I'm viewing sex as anything to get you to the point of orgasm with a partner. Intercourse, Handjobs, b.j.s, cunnilingus, mutual masturbation, etc. Mostly intercourse (PIV).

It's not that the partner has a limited set of sexual activities; it's that the activities seem to ALWAYS include a predictable pattern that includes SOME kind of stimulation to orgasm, mostly through PIV. A couple could swing naked on a chandelier, lick every inch of his or her partner's body, take a long sensuous bath together...and it's usually going to end with SOMEONE having an orgasm USUALLY through PIV.

Ellis wrote that he couldn't see intimate kissing/lying naked next to someone in bed and NOT be aroused enough to want to have sex with that person. *MY* thinking is, why NOT?! Why can't we simply take the orgasm out of the equation for a change?

I'm willing to bet that if more HD's did that, the LD would see the HD in a completely different light.


BTW, while you probably know by now that I'm not fond of 'routines', I don't see "frequent" as 2-3 times a week. I see that frequency as pretty "low key".
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