Okay, I'm going to stop being sarcastic. There are solutions. But keep this in mind:
- Before you can try anything, you might have to work on figuring out what the problems are. You can't fix what you don't know.
- You are an individual. What works for you may not work for someone else.
- You may have to try several things before you find what works.
- You may find that your understanding of the problem evolves or changes over time. That's fine.
- Your solution might also need to change. That's fine too.
So, let's start with my own experience. I have a pretty high sex drive. When I am with a partner with a lower sex drive it's difficult. If my partner doesn't want sex then I feel rejected. If I masturbate then I'm certainly not going to be fantasizing about the person who is rejecting me. So, isolated masturbation adds distance. But the other problem is that I can't maintain any interest if my partner is willing but doesn't really want to. Someone suggested that the higher drive partner should be more selfless and only worry about his partner's pleasure. Yes, I did that too. Sex was really bad. Sure, I could stimulate her to orgasm. But, each time we had sex I had to wait to see what she was willing to do so there was no anticipation at all. And when I did bring her to orgasm it didn't translate to any participation on her part. She was willing to have sex but was completely passive. That doesn't work for me. Now, maybe you aren't like me. Maybe a passive partner is okay with you. That's fine.
But, if it isn't working then I have various suggestions. A number of these would work for the LD partner in place of sex. What? What? How can you replace sex? Let's start from the most intimate and work out from there. I suppose most people would be happy with some type of manual stimulation from a partner.
However, we've already heard that this is not always satisfactory for the giving partner. So, let's go lower. Would the LD partner be willing to kiss or even to cuddle without kissing while their partner masturbated?
Maybe this level is acceptable. But, if not, there are other levels. For example, many would like to hear their partner reading erotic passages from a book. This could be live in the same room, perhaps on the other side of a curtain if necessary, via intercom, or even recorded. The main thing is that there is a connection. One partner acknowledges the other's sexuality and participates even if not directly. It makes a difference. In this case, you would be thinking about your partner so this type of masturbation helps the relationship. Also, with a recording, you can listen to it and masturbate without involving your partner. However, you don't want this in secret. There needs to be some indication that you are doing it. It might be as simple as putting marks on a calendar or something more creative like putting a quarter in a piggy bank or pasting stars in a ledger. Cuddling and reading erotic material are likely to work regardless of whether the LD partner is male or female
. When the woman is LD she might also consider something visual like nude pictures of herself (a mask, dark glasses, or face paint is okay if you are concerned about your face showing). What she should do is print it out and then cut it into smaller pieces, each one big enough to add some interest. That could keep her partner anticipating the next piece while allowing some time between picture taking sessions. Some HD women might be visual also. But this requires an LD partner who isn't completely shy and an HD partner who likes visual stimulation. Just remember that your HD partner can't take the pictures for you. To work effectively, the pictures have to be something they've never seen. Sometimes you can cheat a little. If you can find someone online whose body is close to yours, you can make this person your body double. Big stars have done it for nude scenes so it might work for you too.
Indirect methods can also be bargained for. For example, you might trade a massage for another picture or another recording. This can work because these are infrequent; you aren't taking pictures or making recordings everyday. Also, you aren't bargaining for sex itself. This might also work with commercial erotic material if the LD partner is the one who obtains it and gives it to the HD partner. This one is more problematic since it would likely take a stronger connection than simply handing out porn to a partner. In other words, you need to view your partner as the erotic source rather than as a kind of pimp or madam (which are simply brokers or providers). But, with some variation, who knows, it might work for some.
Some couples can do forking exercises but this doesn't work with everyone. This would mean that the LD partner arouses the HD partner. This could involve kissing, erotic clothing, showing lingerie, partial nudity, massage, showering together, or even something like spanking (if that turns you on). It could involve talking about an upcoming encounter. For example, let's say it's Wednesday but the couple won't actually have sex until Saturday. The LD partner talks about what might happen on Saturday. The difference is that when the HD partner becomes sufficiently aroused they go to another room to masturbate. Again, the LD partner can't be too shy to talk to act or display in ways that arouse. But, some are okay with this because there is no requirement for direct sexual participation. But my partner reads in a monotone and refuses to take nude pictures or cuddle.
There are other exercises you can do. But again, any given technique may not work with you. Some may be okay with cuddling after masturbation. In this case, the LD partner does not arouse but knows that their partner will be masturbating and is ready to cuddle and be close for awhile after that. This can may provide enough feeling of connection. If you are willing to try different things you might be able to find something that works for you.