Different sex drives - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 07:51 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Your opinion is clearly wrong. Divorce isn't the only solution, but it may be the final choice when another solution can't be found.
Wrong? I exaggerated! My basic assertion (without the hyperbole) is still correct: Divorce is most often the best solution, if you want to have a normal, satisfying sex life.

Sure, some people will decide that other things are more important and stay in a sexually incompatible relationship, but almost all will still be dissatisfied and frustrated. They will try to make the best of a bad situation, but I doubt that many will truly be happy about it. It's not a choice I would ever again make, but I've seen how incredibly better life can be once the decision to leave is made and the impacts accepted and mitigated as best you can.

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post #92 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Your opinion is clearly wrong. Divorce isn't the only solution, but it may be the final choice when another solution can't be found.
Divorce is the only solution entirely within the control of the HD spouse. All other solutions require the cooperation of the LD spouse, which is often absent.

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If you can't be happy together then why would you stay together?
Kids. Finances. Fear of the unknown. Lots of reasons.

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post #93 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

Ideally she would have sex once a week - but that is only if nothing more important needs to be done. In reality its about once a month. For her "sex" is any sort of sexual contact, she pretty much will only do HJs these days.

She is embarassed by any mention of masturbation and can't even admit that she does it - even though she does.


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Yes, I understand that.


I assume that you mean that she wouldn't be interested in doing any erotic reading for you or something like that.


Yes, I've already said this.

To start with, I don't know what "rarely" is or what your expectations would be. I also don't know if you would be happy with non-sexual interaction before or after masturbation. Are you saying that she wouldn't be willing to do this and how do you know this?
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post #94 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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describing a variety of sexual things that an LD Person who isn't interested in sex should do.
Actually, no; I didn't describe anything that a person should do. As I said before, there is no push button solution; if there was, you would already have found it.
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post #95 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Wrong? I exaggerated! My basic assertion (without the hyperbole) is still correct: Divorce is most often the best solution, if you want to have a normal, satisfying sex life.
You've toned it down a bit, but you are still wrong in your assumptions.
  • Differences in sex drive is a big problem in relationships. True.
  • Often people don't know how to solve this type of problem. True.
  • With no solution, divorce may be the best solution. True.

But, notice that this does not lead to your conclusion. The fact that most couples probably don't know of a solution does not mean that none exist nor does it mean that couples have really tried to find a solution. I've noticed that the only "solutions" that seem to get mentioned here are:

1. The HD partner gives up on sex, sacrificing to make the LD partner happy.
2. The LD partner engages in unwanted sex, sacrificing to make the HD partner happy.
3. Both sacrifice to some extent reaching a median state of unhappiness for both.

I'm sorry but none of these seem like solutions to me. It seems that you've reached the same conclusion, but are then jumping straight to divorce.

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Sure, some people will decide that other things are more important and stay in a sexually incompatible relationship, but almost all will still be dissatisfied and frustrated. They will try to make the best of a bad situation, but I doubt that many will truly be happy about it.
I've never suggested this. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where I was continually unhappy sexually.

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It's not a choice I would ever again make, but I've seen how incredibly better life can be once the decision to leave is made and the impacts accepted and mitigated as best you can.
You are simply agreeing with me. I don't know why you think this is a new point.
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post #96 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by scientia View Post
You've toned it down a bit, but you are still wrong in your assumptions.
  • Differences in sex drive is a big problem in relationships. True.
  • Often people don't know how to solve this type of problem. True.
  • With no solution, divorce may be the best solution. True.

But, notice that this does not lead to your conclusion. The fact that most couples probably don't know of a solution does not mean that none exist nor does it mean that couples have really tried to find a solution. I've noticed that the only "solutions" that seem to get mentioned here are:

1. The HD partner gives up on sex, sacrificing to make the LD partner happy.
2. The LD partner engages in unwanted sex, sacrificing to make the HD partner happy.
3. Both sacrifice to some extent reaching a median state of unhappiness for both.

I'm sorry but none of these seem like solutions to me. It seems that you've reached the same conclusion, but are then jumping straight to divorce.


I've never suggested this. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where I was continually unhappy sexually.


You are simply agreeing with me. I don't know why you think this is a new point.
Yes, you are agreeing with everything I said, except "jumping" to divorce. I never advocated going straight to divorce - I expect almost everyone would follow the usual attempts to communicate, seek counseling, or try something else first. Those things usually do not work (going by all I've read and experienced), so the end result is either divorce or living unhappily. Oh, you don't advocate staying in that case. We agree again. Hmmm.

We do disagree on your "alternatives." Do you have anything - such as published studies - to support your ideas? Without that, at least, I contend that it is all nonsense.

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post #97 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
I could have bolded a lot more but while you are trying to be helpful it seems you are not familiar with the LD male which is understandable. Sorry but pretty much all your suggestions are unlikely to work with a LD male.
One woman I talked to who had an LD ex-husband said that whenever they went out he would pick a fight with her when they got home to head off any initiation of sex. I've heard descriptions from women whose husbands wanted sex once every four months. There may not be a solution for a given couple, but I almost never see any search for a solution beyond begging, coercing, or even threatening the LD partner to have more sex. I also understand having a partner who isn't willing to try anything and who is insulting and abusive with regard to your higher sex drive.
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post #98 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Seems like it would just lead the LD into further belief that they can continue with minimal effort.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone if having sex with me was an effort. Perhaps we are different in this regard.
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post #99 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone if having sex with me was an effort. Perhaps we are different in this regard.
Not sure I understand the bolded, different in regards to what (the part of my post you quoted was in response to the idea of masturbating with your partner present as an alternative which seems silly to me)?

The point IMO is when there is a drive mismatch it will require effort to some degree for both people to work together. Now, what each person defines as effort may vary. Heck, like every other aspect of a relationship, there will also be some effort required
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post #100 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Yes, you are agreeing with everything I said, except "jumping" to divorce. I never advocated going straight to divorce
Actually you did in your two previous comments. This is specifically what I objected to.

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I expect almost everyone would follow the usual attempts to communicate, seek counseling, or try something else first. Those things usually do not work (going by all I've read and experienced)
Communication is a buzz word with little meaning. And very few therapists specialize in sexual problems. So, you are left with the mountains of self-help books which have about the same content as books about Atlantis, Bigfoot, and aliens. Have you ever seen case studies from therapists who do specialize in sexual problems (like Masters and Johnson)?

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so the end result is
Now you are back to repeating what you just denied saying. This is a conclusion; it's where we disagree.

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We do disagree on your "alternatives." Do you have anything - such as published studies - to support your ideas? Without that, at least, I contend that it is all nonsense.
You are seeking a statistical solution for an individual problem? Wow, I can't imagine who you pick as your doctor.
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post #101 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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The point IMO is when there is a drive mismatch it will require effort to some degree for both people to work together. Now, what each person defines as effort may vary. Heck, like every other aspect of a relationship, there will also be some effort required
I don't know what to tell you. For me, I need to be desired by my partner. If I don't have that then there is no point. Now, suppose my partner desires me less often than I would prefer. I can't fix that by insisting on more sex. And, I don't know of any way to increase desire.

That's the reality of what I'll have to deal with. Can you explain how effort would increase desire in an LD partner rather than simply increasing sexual frequency?
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post #102 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Ideally she would have sex once a week - but that is only if nothing more important needs to be done. In reality its about once a month. For her "sex" is any sort of sexual contact, she pretty much will only do HJs these days.

She is embarassed by any mention of masturbation and can't even admit that she does it - even though she does.
This is one of the more heartbreaking posts in this thread. Clearly you are drifting apart.
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post #103 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by scientia View Post
I don't know what to tell you. For me, I need to be desired by my partner. If I don't have that then there is no point. Now, suppose my partner desires me less often than I would prefer. I can't fix that by insisting on more sex. And, I don't know of any way to increase desire.

That's the reality of what I'll have to deal with. Can you explain how effort would increase desire in an LD partner rather than simply increasing sexual frequency?
IDK, you seem to be drawing different conclusions from what I am posting, so not quite sure where this is going lol.

In terms of effort, I never said increased effort will lead to increased desire. If you go back to my original response to Married, it was in regards to a responsive desire partner (and the idea that having to pick up the slack per se with a RD partner is a workable solution assuming the RD partner still makes some effort to initiate).
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post #104 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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I can tell you though that along with my desire, my overall feelings toward her have taken a hit. We're friendly, we laugh, we cooperate---but I just can't really dredge up any romantic feelings for her anymore.
Sounds very similar to my marriage. When I married, I was more than old enough to know better and looking back, there were many red flags. However in my previous relationships, I'd never experienced someone with no sexual drive (at least towards me) and lack of having romantic feelings. Therefore it was not on my radar of things to watch out for. We did not live in the same city for most of our dating relationship, so it was easy for her to hide.

Like you, we get along fine otherwise in daily life.
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post #105 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 05:08 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by scientia View Post
There may not be a solution for a given couple, but I almost never see any search for a solution beyond begging, coercing, or even threatening the LD partner to have more sex.
I don't agree with characterizing the HD's actions as "begging, coercing, or even threatening" for sex, but that might be a matter of semantics.

The truth is LD spouses overwhelmingly reject the HD spouse's sexual energy, not just the sex act itself. Your typical LD spouse does not want to snuggle while the HD rubs one out, talk dirty, provide a dirty photo, etc. The LD typically gets worn out / overwhelmed by any sexual expression at a pace too far beyond their "capacity".

Certainly, in my case my ex-wife did not want to acknowledge my sexuality in any way, shape, or form outside of her preferred rate. If I had suggested she do those alternate activities I would been told some form of "I don't even want to do it the regular way with you. Why would I want to do THAT?" I think she is by far the norm for LDs in that regard.
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