Different sex drives - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #106 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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You are seeking a statistical solution for an individual problem? Wow, I can't imagine who you pick as your doctor.
Yes, I want some evidence. Now, if rubbing blue mud in your navel works for YOU, go for it. A common problem needs a more generic approach, and to be accepted as a worthwhile method to even try, it needs plausibility and evidence of efficacy. Or I can sell you a year's supply of sugar pills that I've chanted over under a full moon - just slip one in her coffee and she'll suddenly desire you and drag you off to bed! Only $365! Results may vary. No refunds.

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post #107 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

THIS!

I think people who have never encountered someone who is naturally LD can't really imagine someone not wanting ,or rarely wanting any sort of sexual activity under any conditions.


"I'd like us to lie in a muddy puddle".
"No".
"Well what if I just smear some mud on you".
"No, I don't like mud".
"What if you watch while I wallow around in the mud?"
"No"
.....





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Originally Posted by DTO View Post
I don't agree with characterizing the HD's actions as "begging, coercing, or even threatening" for sex, but that might be a matter of semantics.

The truth is LD spouses overwhelmingly reject the HD spouse's sexual energy, not just the sex act itself. Your typical LD spouse does not want to snuggle while the HD rubs one out, talk dirty, provide a dirty photo, etc. The LD typically gets worn out / overwhelmed by any sexual expression at a pace too far beyond their "capacity".

Certainly, in my case my ex-wife did not want to acknowledge my sexuality in any way, shape, or form outside of her preferred rate. If I had suggested she do those alternate activities I would been told some form of "I don't even want to do it the regular way with you. Why would I want to do THAT?" I think she is by far the norm for LDs in that regard.
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post #108 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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I have bought a really good sex toy and use it when I'm really in the mood. This way, I don't pester Mrs.CuddleBug for sex and get the "eyes rolling" or "sigh" etc. response.

Mrs.CuddleBug is LD and conservative.

I am HD and adventurous.

There is no easy way to make sexually mismatched couples happy. What usually happens is the HD spouse does all the comprising while the LD spouse does little to nothing.

Just the way it is.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:22 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #109 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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I have bought a really good sex toy and use it when I'm really in the mood. This way, I don't pester Mrs.CuddleBug for sex and get the "eyes rolling" or "sigh" etc. response.

Mrs.CuddleBug is LD and conservative.

I am HD and adventurous.

There is no easy way to make sexually mismatched couples happy. What usually happens is the HD spouse does all the comprising while the LD spouse does little to nothing.

Just the way it is.
The bolded is really the sad part of it all ...
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post #110 of 121 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

I disagree. I think in the typical mismatched scenario the LD spouse does alot. They just don't do alot of sex. They do alot of rejecting and preemptive rejecting. They do alot of justifying why they are correct / entitled to do so much rejecting. They do alot of nit picking the HD's flaws. They do alot of rationalizing why the HD's needs and desires are unreasonable, unhealthy and bad for the relationship. They do alot of arguing that the HD really should, for their own good, tone down their level of need and desire.

Do not underestimate the amount of work that the LD puts into maintaining the low level of sexual activity. It is exhausting to fend off the HD all day every day. It would be much easier for the LD if the HD would simply stop wanting or needing sex. And be more like the LD. Now THAT would enable the LD to do very little. As it is, while the clash continues, the LD is expending enormous energy dealing with the sexual issues in the marriage. Probably more energy than if they simply gave in and had more sex.

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post #111 of 121 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:33 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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I disagree. I think in the typical mismatched scenario the LD spouse does alot. They just don't do alot of sex. They do alot of rejecting and preemptive rejecting. They do alot of justifying why they are correct / entitled to do so much rejecting. They do alot of nit picking the HD's flaws. They do alot of rationalizing why the HD's needs and desires are unreasonable, unhealthy and bad for the relationship. They do alot of arguing that the HD really should, for their own good, tone down their level of need and desire.

Do not underestimate the amount of work that the LD puts into maintaining the low level of sexual activity. It is exhausting to fend off the HD all day every day. It would be much easier for the LD if the HD would simply stop wanting or needing sex. And be more like the LD. Now THAT would enable the LD to do very little. As it is, while the clash continues, the LD is expending enormous energy dealing with the sexual issues in the marriage. Probably more energy than if they simply gave in and had more sex.


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post #112 of 121 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:37 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

In my opinion, LD people don't really exist. They are just lazy and selfish. I believe they have just conditioned themselves to be that way.


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post #113 of 121 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 10:27 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

Communication and compromise is needed in this situation. We all have different sex drives and these can change at different points in out lives as well.
So if one spouse only wants sex twice a month and the other twice a week, then settle on once a week. A little more effort required for the one who wants it less, and a little self control for the one who wants it more. That's what marriage is all about, compromise, communication and working things out for both spouses.
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post #114 of 121 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 10:45 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

i am pretty worried right now my wife who had a normal D to maybe HD after the first child (1yr old) is turning into a LD. Don't know if it's the breastfeeding but that's my only guess at this point since I do help out to try and make it easier.

But I share others sentiments here that being the HD with a LD is such a downer since the LD has all of the leverage.
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post #115 of 121 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

@shippon: 2 small kids at home will kill of many women's sex drive. You can try doing more to help with the kids, taking both of them so she has time to herself, taking her out on date nights to remind her she is a woman and wife and not just a mom. But often with 2 or more babies the mom simply cannot get her mind off the kids enough to relax and want to share herself with her husband. You may be married to one of those moms.

Try the above ideas. If they don't work, you will have to be patient unless you are willing to divorce over this. How you handle not getting any sex probably won't affect how much sex you get now (close to zero no matter what you do), but can have a huge impact on how much sex you get when the kids get older. If you are a whiny jerk now, she won't be much in the mood for sex even after she stops breastfeeding, the kids stop clawing at her all day, they can potty nd dress and feed themselves so she isn't doing so much physical work to care for them, etc. Might not be anything you can do to get more sex now, but there is alot you can do to ensure you won't be getting any sex later, either.

Oh, and if she is the type of mom who can't turn off mom mode and get back into sexy mode, you might want to wait a few years to have another kid. The second small one isn't twice as much work, it is infinitely harder. With one in diapers, when they nap you can nap or do housework. With 2 small kids, when one naps the other is likely awake and wanting mommy time. There is no respite. It is a relentless demand from the kids for time and attention. When Dad asks for sex, that is just one more chore on top of the unending pile of tasks.

I know my post is not very optimistic about your getting lots of sex anytime soon. But at least it gives you an idea what you are dealing with and why, from her side, it always seems she is too exhausted and stressed to have sex.

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post #116 of 121 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
In my opinion, LD people don't really exist. They are just lazy and selfish. I believe they have just conditioned themselves to be that way.


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I have to disagree with this. My wife is LD and she WANTS to want it more, and has even been to a doctor a few times to check hormone levels, etc. She says she likes sex but just rarely gets in the mood. She could fake it and have sex anyway, but that would not change the fact that she is LD.

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post #117 of 121 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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@shippon: 2 small kids at home will kill of many women's sex drive. You can try doing more to help with the kids, taking both of them so she has time to herself, taking her out on date nights to remind her she is a woman and wife and not just a mom. But often with 2 or more babies the mom simply cannot get her mind off the kids enough to relax and want to share herself with her husband. You may be married to one of those moms.

Try the above ideas. If they don't work, you will have to be patient unless you are willing to divorce over this. How you handle not getting any sex probably won't affect how much sex you get now (close to zero no matter what you do), but can have a huge impact on how much sex you get when the kids get older. If you are a whiny jerk now, she won't be much in the mood for sex even after she stops breastfeeding, the kids stop clawing at her all day, they can potty nd dress and feed themselves so she isn't doing so much physical work to care for them, etc. Might not be anything you can do to get more sex now, but there is alot you can do to ensure you won't be getting any sex later, either.

Oh, and if she is the type of mom who can't turn off mom mode and get back into sexy mode, you might want to wait a few years to have another kid. The second small one isn't twice as much work, it is infinitely harder. With one in diapers, when they nap you can nap or do housework. With 2 small kids, when one naps the other is likely awake and wanting mommy time. There is no respite. It is a relentless demand from the kids for time and attention. When Dad asks for sex, that is just one more chore on top of the unending pile of tasks.

I know my post is not very optimistic about your getting lots of sex anytime soon. But at least it gives you an idea what you are dealing with and why, from her side, it always seems she is too exhausted and stressed to have sex.
Thanks. I completely understand your point and that's why we've only got one for now. I am in now way mentally or physically prepared to have another. To elaborate, she is willing to do it when she's not too tired, but it usually feels like she's just doing it, as you say like a chore. I work long hours as well and if it was reversed and she was the one initiating, I would make the effort. I am just hoping it's due to the time and energy of looking after a 1 year old and not yet weaned.
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post #118 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:04 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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@scientia it amuses me that you criticize most other posters, then proceed with a long winded post describing a variety of sexual things that an LD Person who isn't interested in sex should do. I don't see that ever happening
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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
I could have bolded a lot more but while you are trying to be helpful it seems you are not familiar with the LD male which is understandable. Sorry but pretty much all your suggestions are unlikely to work with a LD male.
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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
The bolded is worth highlighting, at least in my case, especially the last part which I think the Responsive Desire person does not understand (i.e. telling your SO that you would be happy having sex 2-3x a week but never make an effort to initiate is a huge turnoff). In many respects it is no different then rejecting your SO, without having to deal with the guilt of actually rejecting them.

Separately, since it was discussed about maybe masturbating while your SO kissed or cuddled you, I really don't get this. It just seems like nothing more then a quick patch to a bigger problem. Plus, if I need to masturbate b/c of lack of sex, I will just do it on my own time. Seems like it would just lead the LD into further belief that they can continue with minimal effort.
Here's the problem with these replies. You can start with any arbitrary set of sexual requirements and you will be very unlikely to find a partner who meets all of them, regardless of their sex drive. You could also reject a partner for reasons not limited to sex such as how they kiss. But the list of potential exclusions doesn't stop there; you could in fact reject a partner for almost any arbitrary reason. No two people would be compatible.

Secondly, why are you pretending that I somehow claimed that any two people would be compatible, regardless of sex drive? I didn't. What I actually did was make suggestions about what two people could try if they wanted to work on a relationship. If you begin with the assumption that you don't want to work on anything then other than the chance to claim sour grapes why would any of my suggestions matter to you? It's similar to complaining about your neighbor's cake recipe when you don't intend to ever bake a cake and don't even eat cake.

My suggestions wouldn't work for you? That's fine but why are you also claiming that they wouldn't work for anyone else? I remember how bitter Dear Abby became after her divorce; she would regularly insist that divorce was the only option if the marriage had any problem at all even when it was clear that the person seeking advice wanted to work on the marriage. I've heard of people who are sexually attracted to inanimate objects like cars and buildings. I don't think my suggestions would work in those cases. But with two people who can think and feel I don't believe it's quite as hopeless as you have suggested. But again, if you have no desire to work on a relationship then my suggestions aren't relevant to you.
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post #119 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
There is no easy way to make sexually mismatched couples happy. What usually happens is the HD spouse does all the comprising while the LD spouse does little to nothing.
Or the HD leaves and finds happiness and more sex with someone else.

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post #120 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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......The truth is LD spouses overwhelmingly reject the HD spouse's sexual energy, not just the sex act itself. Your typical LD spouse does not want to snuggle while the HD rubs one out, talk dirty, provide a dirty photo, etc. The LD typically gets worn out / overwhelmed by any sexual expression at a pace too far beyond their "capacity".

Certainly, in my case my ex-wife did not want to acknowledge my sexuality in any way, shape, or form outside of her preferred rate. If I had suggested she do those alternate activities I would been told some form of "I don't even want to do it the regular way with you. Why would I want to do THAT?" I think she is by far the norm for LDs in that regard.
Good points.

What I learned when I was in a sex starved marriage was that my wife felt very bad about herself. All of the TV and magazine sex-based advertising made my wife feel like she was broken and a failure as a wife. My asking for sex or trying to initiate, just made her feel even worse.

Yes, asking to cuddle, holding me while I would masturbate, talking dirty to arouse me or doing non-PIV types of sex would just intensify her feelings of inadequacy. At the height or depth of my SSM, I thought about asking her to do non-sexual-sex things (chastity, denial, etc.) but I then realized that that such requests would have just made her feel worse, so I didn't.

What ultimately turned my SSM around was that I discovered Chapmans 5 Languages of love and started to make my wife feel loved every day in her love languages. Then I changed myself via MW Davis SSM and Glovers NMMNG so I wasn't as needy and co-dependent. Finally with the help of a really good sex therapist we were able to rebuild our marriage and negotiate a HD/LD frequency that we could both live with.

I kind of feel like sex is a fragile fire that needs to have a safe and supporting environment to grow. I know that I failed to keep my wife emotionally happy for many years and that she responded in kind until our marriage was in crisis. It took a lot of effort to make her feel loved, happy and confident enough to engage in more frequent sex. The change stretched her to near a breaking point, so I see that the LD does put in a lot of effort to live in a compromised HD/LD marriage (as does the HD partner).
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