Different sex drives - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:18 AM Thread Starter
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Different sex drives

How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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post #2 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:24 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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Well at 61 years old my wife and I have sex an average of three times in two weeks. Guess not too bad. She is ten years younger than I. I'm the one wanting twice per week but after read this site I'm gonna be happy with what I have.
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post #3 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 06:31 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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I got divorced then found a man with a HD. No other viable option unless you are Ok with settling for a sexless life.
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post #4 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by adrienne.degrace View Post
How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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Ultimately it takes patience, communication, and self development for BOTH people in the relationship. The best place to start is to help teach your partner positive ways to turn down opportunities for intimacy when there is too much anxiety. If sex is not an option, your partner should be willing to give you a back rub or perhaps go jogging with you instead. Then you can improve communication and go from there.

If you feel jealous of women that have the reverse of the situation that you are likely in (the husbands works hard at improving sexual intimacy), be careful. As the advice given to you from such husbands with a high level of desire in efforts to better understand your own spouse is often problematic and will lead to even more jealousy on your behalf.

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post #5 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:40 AM
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Cool Re: Different sex drives

I would greatly surmise that there are several different ways to find out, at least during the courtship phase, if they are indeed sexually HD, or whether in actuality they're LD, but that they're giving you the old "bait and switch," hoping to pull the wool over your eyes!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #6 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

Keep in mind different sex drives does not necessarily mean you have to be in a sexless relationship. The key is for both people to communicate and hopefully find some middle ground (easier said than done, something I can vouch for).

The biggest concern I would have is exactly what @arbitrator mentioned, the good ole bait & switch, where someone acts as a higher drive person at the start of the relationship b/c they know that is what is needed to keep the other person interested.
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post #7 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:38 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

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The biggest concern I would have is exactly what @arbitrator mentioned, the good ole bait & switch, where someone acts as a higher drive person at the start of the relationship b/c they know that is what is needed to keep the other person interested.
There are actually case studies of this, where an individual will try to "impress" their ideal partner and be somebody that they are actually not. All relationships begin this way to a certain degree, but inevitably a person will eventually "be themself" later in the relationship once things are more secure.

In an interview that was shared by a therapist for a case study a person that did this, the interview went like this:

PERSON A): My spouse and I used to have a lot of sex, but now we rarely do and I do not understand what changed.

PERSON B): I used to give my spouse a lot of sex out of fear that the relationship would be abandoned. I have been working on myself and no longer fear my spouse leaving me.

Regardless of gender, that scenario plays out many times. For those with that dynamic in the relationship PERSON A) will threaten divorce and guess what happens? The frequency of sex increases. But in that event, you really have to ask yourself if you want you spouse to "love you" out of fear of loosing you. Many would argue that is perhaps not real love, but more of maintaining the status quo as to avoid life becoming disruptive for the reluctant partner.

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post #8 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Different sex drives

Sometimes, maybe often it doesn't work.

Sometimes in a high desire / low desire relationship, the LD person is LD for some reason. There may be other relationship problems. The HD person may be a selfish or unskilled lover, or have become physically unfit or disgusting in some way. If it is something the HD person can change, then that can lead to things getting better.

Very often though there is nothing "wrong" with the HD person, the LD person simply doesn't want sex - they are naturally LD. Then success depends on the attitude of the lower desire person. If the LD doesn't want a lot of sex but understands that their partners do, and are willing to put in some effort, then things can work. They have to be able to engage in sex as a "gift" for their partner, not as a resented "chore".

OTOH if the LD partner rejects the idea that the HDs desire for sex is valid, then nothing will fix it. That leaves the couple miserable, the LD person feeling constantly pressured and feeling unvalued, and the HD person feeling frustrated and resentful. You get the typical:

LD: "Is sex all that matters to you?"
HD: "Why can't you do the one thing I need".

Relationships like this can continue in quiet misery indefinitely.



Having lived as the HD in a HD/LD relationship for 30 years that can't be fixed, my suggestions are:

Remember that you can leave, cheat, or live like a nun. Its a bad choice, but its a choice. Make it and stick with it.

If you decide not to leave or cheat then:

Then avoid discussions about sex, including avoiding places like TAM. The last thing you want to hear is lots of talk by men who would do absolutely anything anytime for their wives in bed, but are constantly turned down. It will just make you more frustrated.

Sleep in separate rooms. No need to be forced to lie next to the object of your desire and feel constantly rejected.

Get yourself a vibrator and a porn habit. I object to porn when it interferes with a couple's sex life, but if there is no sex life to interfere with, then why not.








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Originally Posted by adrienne.degrace View Post
How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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post #9 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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There are actually case studies of this, where an individual will try to "impress" their ideal partner and be somebody that they are actually not. All relationships begin this way to a certain degree, but inevitably a person will eventually "be themself" later in the relationship once things are more secure.

In an interview that was shared by a therapist for a case study a person that did this, the interview went like this:

PERSON A): My spouse and I used to have a lot of sex, but now we rarely do and I do not understand what changed.

PERSON B): I used to give my spouse a lot of sex out of fear that the relationship would be abandoned. I have been working on myself and no longer fear my spouse leaving me.

Regardless of gender, that scenario plays out many times. For those with that dynamic in the relationship PERSON A) will threaten divorce and guess what happens? The frequency of sex increases.
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I agree that BOTH people are often trying to "impress" their potential partner, but impression management isn't just limited to sex (I'm confident that you already know this, but I want to expand on it for a moment...).

My late husband sold me a false bill of goods non-sexually FIRST. He figured that if he could convince me that he was a "good enough guy to sleep with", that I would be under the "spell" of his sexual prowess, and "good sex" would make up for any glaring character flaws he may have had. When he would hear my complaints about other relationships, he would chuckle, as if the "other guy" was an "idiot" for not doing x, y and z.

But HE didn't do x, y and z either, which I discovered over time. When I raised these issues, he said, "A guy can't keep up that façade forever!" Hence, I was losing the emotional attraction and TRUST for him. He was not the person he pretended to be.

Sex was severely impacted, yet he couldn't seem to understand WHY. In his mind, I should still want to have sex with him despite his constant lies, angry, controlling, egotistical, condescending, racist, bigoted attitudes.

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But in that event, you really have to ask yourself if you want you spouse to "love you" out of fear of loosing you. Many would argue that is perhaps not real love, but more of maintaining the status quo as to avoid life becoming disruptive for the reluctant partner.
I DO believe that love out of fear isn't real love for EITHER person.

If I have sex with 'him' out of fear that he'll leave me if I don't, do *I* really love him?

And if he WOULD leave me, if I don't have sex with him, does HE really love ME?
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post #10 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

OP, it's sad to say but drive mismatches are very hard to overcome, at least in the HD's favor. Anecdotally speaking, the odds are even worse when the man is the LD. I don't think I've seen an instance where an LD man has turned HD (with the same woman).

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #11 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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The biggest concern I would have is exactly what @arbitrator mentioned, the good ole bait & switch, where someone acts as a higher drive person at the start of the relationship b/c they know that is what is needed to keep the other person interested.
Ellis, I wonder how many sexual bait & switches are merely responses to an emotional bait & switch of that of their partner?
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post #12 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

Vega,
I know that has been your experience - and a sad one at that. It is ALSO true that the 'average' guy struggles to grasp the relationship between stability and passion.

It's why laughter is such a useful gauge of the health of a relationship. A full body laugh almost always requires your partner to have done/said something unpredictable. A lot of guys like having a stable, maybe even hyper stable routine. Thing is that creates boredom and kills passion.

I call this trait - being 'excessively patterned'. Its the polar opposite of being adventurous.


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Ellis, I wonder how many sexual bait & switches are merely responses to an emotional bait & switch of that of their partner?
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post #13 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Originally Posted by adrienne.degrace View Post
How do couples with different sex drives make it work? I'm jealous of the women whose husband's don't leave them alone.

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Me: male HD, Wife LD/reactive desire.
25 year marriage.

1. Negotiate minimum frequency to satisfy both partners. We came up with twice a week. Tuesdays and Friday. A minimum sex frequency was mandatory or I was gone.

2. HD must stop talking about sex, stop asking for sex even on the scheduled sex days. Do not let the LD know that you need sex as much as you need food or water. Even if you told them it would make no sense to them, so stop. It's useless.

3. HD should stop all groping and minimize physical contact outside of scheduled sex days.

4. HD must find something else in his or her life to replace their constant desire for sex and never let the LD know they are unhappy with their sex life.

I have been practicing these steps for several years. Basically it has transformed our sex life. We both enjoy sex much more than we used to. I believe the reason it works is that I have taken away what the LD finds so distasteful and replaced it with unspoken anticipation. The one thing to keep in mind is that the HD must become a great lover with no ego. You must work through the LD's "fake it till you make it compromise" till you reach the promised land which is honest satisfaction from the LD regarding sex. You will know when it happens.

It takes time.

LD MUST be willing to at least try.

"I know now how it came to me, I was sittin around one day, after my second divorce, I said hey, maybe if I learned how to f$ck real good I wouldn't have to give away everything I f$cking own every five f$cking years!"
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post #14 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Different sex drives

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Vega,
A lot of guys like having a stable, maybe even hyper stable routine. Thing is that creates boredom and kills passion.

It's funny that you mention this!

I recently read how women are* tired (a.k.a. bored) of the mechanical pattern that we call "sex". Some amount of "foreplay", followed by penetration (of some sort), followed by male orgasm, usually signaling the "end of sex". Rinse and repeat "x" amount of times per week.

No matter how much you try to 'dress it up', in the end, it still follows some kind of pattern/routine. This is why whenever I hear about people saying that they want sex "x" amount of times per week, I cringe. It's already being turned into a routine and routines become BORING after a while.

Perhaps it's another explanation as to WHY so many people (especially women) lose interest in sex and become LD and I've wondered how many people would have a renewed interest in a new kind of sex that does NOT always (mostly) strive for the goal of orgasm...?

(*= When I say that women "are" tired etc., the book I read was written in the early 1970's. I saw that a lot of what was written still applies today.)
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post #15 of 89 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Different sex drives

But is that because women are having sex and not also orgasming? If that was the case I'd get it. That would be frustrating.

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