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Help - No sex

6K views 50 replies 30 participants last post by  PieceOfSky 
#1 ·
I've been married for over just 15 years and we have 3 children. I could type how wonderful she is and all that stuff but everyone says that so I will just cut to the chase.

My wife has zero sex drive. I've researched some things in private and I live in a sexless marriage. We have sex once every 3 months. I went from confused to pissed. This has gone on for almost 4-5 years. I started working out 3-4 times per day because I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me. I found out that wasn't the case because I started getting sexual advances from strangers and a co-worker. Which was not my goal.

I pursue her, I dote on her, I do nice things and/or buy her nice things. Nothing I do has an affect.

So what do I do? I'll be honest I think it's time to just move on.
 
#3 ·
Nothing I do has an affect.

So what do I do? I'll be honest I think it's time to just move on.
Your honesty, will be our obliged advice.

Sounds like you need our blessing.
Personally, I would set her down, hard. Just kidding!
She needs to hear from you that her azz is on the line. Literally. No puzzy, no marriage.

Uh, no. That is caveman talk. According to you she is a great wife, minus the no-sex situation.
Well, there are two of you in the marriage and you let her think this situation is OK, as in tolerable.
Obviously it is not OK. It is not OK for 90% of marriages. The remaining 10 percent that feel it is OK is not really true either. Most of these are drone, drab, low energy marriages. Or the couple is advanced in years.

If you "honestly" uttered the "move-on.org" statement in your initial post, than it is time to move on. Your love of her is minimal.

Your are in the "I love you but am not in love with you". ILYBANILW, marital state of limbo.
If you ARE in love with your wife, go to Marriage Counseling, and try to resolve this.

What are your ages? Have you found another women? Are you planning on finding another women. Are YOU having a mid-life crisis? I know you are horny. That is normal. What are your real plans and real motives here? Find a new hotter women? This is not necessarily a criticism. It is a common phase that men and women must work through.
 
#4 ·
My wife has zero sex drive.
For women with ZERO drive, it is easy to search for things to blame, such as unbalanced hormones, medical issues, or stress/depression.

Odds are you wife is completely normal, and you need to start by learning to accept her just the way she is and help her learn to feel more confident in your marriage. You may expect her sexuality to work and respond the exact same as yours and obviously it does NOT. In contrast she likely feels that your sex drive may be broken as it works very differently than hers, but yet you feel you are completely normal.

Based on the frequency you mentioned, there is a chance that your wife suffered something traumatic in relation to her sexuality. This can make intimacy emotionally painful for her and something she may be actively avoiding. Even if there was no trauma, it is possible that you have a history of trying every trick in the book to get her to enjoy sex on your terms instead of allowing her to enjoy it on her terms. Sex is often about validation. Some women often seek this validation by knowing that she can easily please her husband. If instead you insist that she responds to the things you want her to respond to, and refuse to enjoy sex until that happens, sex can become extremely frustrating for her and cause an extreme amount of anxiety.

If you talk to her about why she does not enjoy sex, LISTEN to her and acknowledge her feelings. THEN ask HER to help you work on those feelings. Keep in my she may be saying whatever to avoid really discussing this topic, but during the process try and make her feel more confident to talk about things in a way that you can stay calm and LISTEN without getting upset. Eventually you will start having some break throughs!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta
 
#26 ·
For women with ZERO drive, it is easy to search for things to blame, such as unbalanced hormones, medical issues, or stress/depression.
You bring up a really good prognosis. I told her several years ago that her hormones are all out of whack. Well that didn't go over very well because 1) I'm not a doctor 2) a pill doesn't fix everything. About 2 months ago she went to a nutritionist who told her that she has really high levels of testosterone and very low levels of estrogen. So basically, confirming what I said several years ago.
 
#6 ·
Have you really discussed this with her in a non-blaming way? Have you asked her to have her hormones checked, or get a full physical workup? How about suggesting marriage counseling? If you haven't tried those, do so. If you have, and she won't cooperate or there have been no changes as a result, move on. You can't change her - she can only decide to change herself. You can change yourself - including a change to your marital status.
 
#11 · (Edited)
I could type how wonderful she is and all that stuff but everyone says that
Everyone isn't sleeping with your wife (hopefully), you are. What she is doing is neglecting you and abusing you.

That's like saying, "other than my husband beating on me once and a while, he's a wonderful man!"

I pursue her, I dote on her, I do nice things and/or buy her nice things. Nothing I do has an affect.
Of course it doesn't. These are the WORST things you can do. You need to do the EXACT opposite friend.

No wonder the attraction is not there. You are absolutely no challenge to her. Just a paycheck with a penis.

I'll be honest I think it's time to just move on.
It IS time to move on. File for divorce. You have nothing to lose. Either:

A) That will send wake up call to her to start putting out. (Settle for nothing less than twice a week minimum)

B) She gets dumped and you find another girl more than happy to eagerly bang you as often as you please.

It's a win / win situation for you. Stop being a chump. Man up and pull the trigger bro.
 
#19 ·
I'd agree.

So, in some cases, changing one's reaction to mistreatment can lead to the other waking up, owning his or her part, and making positive changes.

Yet, I hasten to add, that doesn't always work. (WoM, I'm not saying you suggested otherwise (and I'm pretty sure you would not be inclined too -- just feeling the need to emphasize mistreatment comes sometimes whether it seems welcome or not)).


On a related note, rewarding someone's hurtful behavior towards you trains your self to accept the mistreatment. It normalizes the mistreatment in your, the recipient's, subconscious. Over time, it becomes harder to remember you deserved and deserve better. It becomes hard to remember folks generally expect and require better from their partners and so-called lovers. And then, you are trapped until you can untangle your own web of distortions.
 
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#14 ·
The way I see it, it is way beyond time for a "Come to Jesus" meeting!

If her problem is hormonal, then it's off to the Doctor she goes!

If her problem is psychological, then it's off to either a shrink, a MC or a sex therapist!

You absolutely do not deserve to be a party to this unnatural treatment of hers!

If she fails to live up to any of her problems, then you need to be making an appointment with a good family attorney in helping to bring an end to this shabby excuse of a marriage!
 
#15 ·
I was in a sexless marriage. 100% no sex, no nothing for almost 5 years. But I hated her and resented her. I left her. She still begged me to stay and made me feel like I was the bad guy. I never got a BJ from her, even while dating. Why I married her is the big question. I was dumb and young. Some marriages just need to die. Nothing wrong with that.

Divorce. Then start dating and having fun. You'll find someone that wants your d!ck every day and loves every second of it. I did. In fact, I was getting laid the second day after I separated. I didn't waste time. There are so many women out there that want great sex, trust me.
 
#17 ·
I don't think that you should just move on without talking to her and trying to work it out. Basically since you haven't said that you have a problem with having no sex she doesn't know anything is wrong. There's many women that would rather not have any sex and she's probably thinking if it's ok with you it's ok with her. Talk to her in a non-blaming way that what's going on isn't ok and you want to work on it with her. If she refuses, then maybe it's time to think of moving on.
 
#22 ·
Great feedback! I wouldn't say I'm 'ok' with it because it drives me crazy. I do not masturbate but I'm probably going to take that up as a hobby. Over the last 3 months I've pretty much laid low by just being a warm body that sleeps in the same bed. No sexual advances... just being a husband. I've avoided any and all controversy whether it be about kids, jobs, careers and the everyday struggles in life. So basically the Brady Bunch family and I think she actually loved it and thought everything was great.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Why have you stayed so far?

Why would you consider staying awhile longer?

What motivations does she have to address this issue, conveyed directly to you or assumed by you?

What has she said about the problems in the past? What is her communication about or stance towards the problems now?


I've been here a few years, with a similar-sounding problem that has gone through some transitions but ultimately appears more unsolvable than ever. Rarely I've come across something I hadn't heard before, but recently did in two books: "Married and Alone" by Douglas Weiss, and "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-hatred" by Patrick Carnes.

There is no way of knowing, but if she is not telling you what she needs to see changed by you, and the needs you express are less and less given attention by her, then at some level she has no intention of changing this in the way you had hoped. To me, assessing her intent is the most urgent and perhaps the only useful thing you can do with your time while for how ever long you stay (not her stated intent, but the intention of whatever conscious or less-than-conscious part of her driving her behavior). If that intention is not aligned with yours, you are hurting yourself, every day and lonely night you fail to face that fact.


Not long ago I came to believe in my case I am powerless to fix things, to improve myself and change my behavior in a way that would free her and motivate her to embrace me and provide and support and fan the flames of the love and intimacy I vaguely recall we once had. I came to realize that To do so is entirely threatening to parts of herself she holds most dear -- the walls she had built and retreated behind. Her operative intent is in the precise opposite direction of reconciliation. It is a fools errand to seek something else from her (in my case), and dangerously so -- it would consume the rest of my life if I were to let it.

I don't know about your situation (and have moments of doubt about mine), but there comes a time to assume that if she's not with you, in your quest for a solution that works, then she's against you. And, if that's the case, why would she deserve you sacrificing your remaining chances for joy and companionship and love in this life? Don't sacrifice the good to the lazy or avoidant and indifferent you once misunderstood to be available and open to loving you. What are you waiting for, before your life can (again) begin?
 
#20 ·
I've been married for over just 15 years and we have 3 children. I could type how wonderful she is and all that stuff but everyone says that so I will just cut to the chase.

My wife has zero sex drive.
I wish I knew. I have been married 16 years and have 2 children. Our marriage has been sexless for about 10 years. We've been to counseling in the past and for the last 2.5 years. I have learned that she was basically taught that men really just want sex. That men just have this primal need to stick their penis in a woman and there is no emotion behind it. She was told that all men will say whatever they have to to have sex. So, ironically, she objectified me. From her perspective, she could rationalize my love as a thinly veiled attempt to get more sex. She kept playing this narrative in her mind for 15 years. She rejected me 95% of the time, until I said, one more rejection and it's over. She rejected me again and I mentally checked out. In my mind, she ended our marriage right then and there. In the end, I think I will not be able to recover from what she has done. Honestly, I think I waited to long to get her help. Her mistrust in me, her depression and the rejection killed my love for her.

If you want to try, I think you should get/stay fit. Be the best dad ever. And, make her go see a sex therapist to work on her issues. Whether they are psych or physical, a therapist will be able to help.
 
#31 · (Edited)
Spiritualconnection, how does she respond to you when you just hug her or kiss her spontaneously through the day?
What is her response when you try to initiate sex, flirt with her, or express your interest in having sex?
Does she reject you, or does she avoid you? And I have to ask, do you still try? (It's easy enough to get to a point where you've just given up.)

Two things that could help. One, talk to her about it. Try to have a constructive non-accusatory discussion and let her know you'd like to try to "bring the spark back" into your relationship. Tell her you're constantly attracted to her and want to be with her.
Ask her to provide a solution. See if she wants scheduled sex days in the week, for example. That works for some people. Or get her to commit to a frequency. Invite her to provide the solution that way you'll get a clearer indication as to what she wants or is missing. If you provide the solution and she doesn't like it, she may not tell you and it'll frustrate you more when it doesn't work.

I got the response "not every day" and we settled on somewhere around twice a week. Periods, bad backs, and sickness crop up and interrupt that frequency at times, but during otherwise healthy happy times it's 2-3 times a week now and my wife initiates where she didn't. As it turns out, the more often we have sex, the more she remembers how much she likes it and seeks it. We've hit a bit of a routine of roughly certain days or situations which is nice because were on the same page now. The more frequently we have sex, the more our affection comes out to one another and it's a positive feedback loop.

It didn't happen overnight. It took a few discussions and fights to get where we are now. As it turns out, most of it was just lack of communication along with a reduction in her sexual urges.

You need to kiss her, hold her, hug her, and rub her back regularly (a few times a day) along with subtle casual compliments about how pretty she is, how you love her, or something else that you appreciate about her. If she gets this kind of non-sexual affection, she's going to not treat ever sexual advance as "he only pays attention to me when he want sex."

But you do need to talk. Trust me. Nothing is going to change until she knows how you feel and how she feels.
Remember to ask her to come up with a solution and work with that.
She's either going to tell you she's not interested, let you know what's wrong, or start having more sex with you.

I'll throw this out as a curve ball. My wife was found to be low in vitamin D3 and B-12. I started having her take significant amounts of both and it seems to have brought her sex drive back (not to like 20's age levels, but back from basically 0.) I can tell you what to have her try taking if you want to give it a shot. These vitamins are actually hormones and low levels can really affect sex drive. But it's not a silver bullet. Communication is really the first thing.
 
#36 ·
Basically, as long as YOU are not changing, the problem is not changing. I have been on here for 6 years, and I see this same problem again and again. I really don't think any more time together, meeting moreher needs, talking, talking, talking, is going to change it. Everyone knows it but yet are afraid to pull the trigger. Like Curiouswife thread of getting her husband straightened out. That sucker is 3 years plus old, nothing really has changed, yet people are still saying "poor you" to her. Same old, same old, she obviously likes it or she wouldn't stay. I believe it is happening here again.

Not easy, realize that, but why would you want to stay where you are not really wanted? If you didn't bring home a paycheck how long they let you stay?
 
#44 ·
Not easy, realize that, but why would you want to stay where you are not really wanted? If you didn't bring home a paycheck how long they let you stay?
This is truth, and something you need to admit to yourself. In my case, the ex starting working towards an exit a month after I was laid off. I knew she was not a big fan of me

Better that you face it now and, if need be, stop pouring your time, money, energy into someone who is only looking out for herself.
 
#42 ·
If you aren't happy with the current situation then change it, instead of just complaining about it and not taking action. You have all the power to control your sex life. She only gets to choose whether it's with her or with someone else. If you are being a good husband, doting on your wife, and taking care of her financially and she's not putting out, then show her the door and end her fantasy of what married life should be like.
 
#45 ·
Take control of your life. Show your children how to be in command and how to eliminate negative people from your life. Show them disrespect is not acceptable. Leaving a bad marriage is good for kids, not bad.

Figure out what frequency is acceptable for you - maybe 2 or 3 times a week? 3 times a week - which is really not out of the normal range - is almost 160 times a year.

I think having THAT conversation might put the problem under a very bright light. If you desire sex with your w 160 times a year, she will be shocked. As well she should be. She has no idea what it takes to be a partner and I think quantifying the problem might be a good start. How can she negotiate against a number that high? Point out that once a month is 12 times a year - a far cry from a compromise - 12 versus 160? Come on that ridiculous ! And yet monthly probably seems crazy to her.

Ignoring and / or understating the problem is no solution


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#46 ·
Sounds familiar to me as well - the woman who sat on my lap with my hands up her dress on our first date now says that sex is just too much work. Will make the occasional comment about having sex but then in the next sentence lets me know that she has a massive headache. Five times since the start of 2011 - guess this qualifies as sexless.
 
#48 ·
I've been married for over just 15 years and we have 3 children.

My wife has zero sex drive. I've researched some things in private and I live in a sexless marriage. We have sex once every 3 months. I went from confused to pissed. This has gone on for almost 4-5 years. I started working out 3-4 times per day because I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me.....

I pursue her, I dote on her, I do nice things and/or buy her nice things. Nothing I do has an affect.

So what do I do? I'll be honest I think it's time to just move on.
A little advice from a guy that has been married to the same woman for 45 years and who was in a sex starved marriage for some of them, but is now much happier. It is advice that others have given you.

(1) Get MW Davis book, the Sex Starved Marriage and read it.
(2) Get Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy and both read it and study it.
(3) Stop being dependent on your wife for validation, take responsibility for your own happiness

Your working out and getting in shape is a great start! Both Davis and Glover recommend it, but call it Getting a Life. Now do the next step and take that in-shape you and find things to do that bring you happiness. If you change yourself to a happy person, you will be much more attractive. If you stop being clingy and dependent and doting on her, you will become more mysterious and more attractive.

Understand that you can not change your wife. You can only change yourself and the way you allow yourself to be treated. However, as Davis & Glover point out, if you change yourself, your wife will not be sure how to treat the "new you." That may cause her to change the way she treats you. If it is in a direction you like, then reinforce it. If it is not a way you want to be treated, just tell her that you don't want to be treated like that anymore. Once you start regaining your independence and start finding pleasure in your own company and doing the things that bring you happiness, she will begin to understand that she can be part of your world or watch you drift away.

Good luck.
 
#51 ·
I was surprised recently to hear my DD17 say fairly convincingly she did not understand why her mother and I are still married, and she wished we would divorce. She was angry at her mother at the time, but still, she was attempting to convey to me that our family unit settles for crappy lives, and it upsets her to be having doubts about whether there is better to be had.
 
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