Not interested in sex with him - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Originally Posted by MrsBananaRama View Post
Foreplay is not an issue and he's very willing to do other things for my pleasure. But I want to really be able to get into it (the sex) but I tend to hold back or there is a lot of stopping when I just want to go at it (sorry for TMI) but feel that I can't really get into it because it will cause it to end too quickly. Again, we've talked about this for YEARS.
TMI? I need more detail.

First off, some people say there is a size problem when there may not be. 5.1" is average for American Men and the majority of men are within an inch of that. When he is fully erect, is he outside of that range?

Do you masturbate? How do you orgasm when you do? Vaginally? Clitoral? Anal? Combo?

Recalling the best orgasm of your life, how did that happen?

With respect to him not lasting as long. There are desensitization gels, but I'm always afraid it might desensitize the partner... I've never tried them, but it can make men last longer. Some folks have suggested ED medication to get the second erection quicker. I have cabergoline to block prolactin release. You'll need to talk to a good doctor to get the prescription. You see, after orgasm, men lose their erection (or soften). The period of time where the erection is lost is called the refractory period. It's normal and gets longer as men age. The release of prolactin at the time of ejaculation is what causes the loss of erection. So, for your problem, you should consider the combo of an ED medication and cabergoline. I bet it will be great fun for both of you. Being able to last longer might give him a mind-blowing orgasm too!

If he is willing to do the foreplay, he's probably willing to try. Also, if you want REALLY big, you can buy a penis extension sex toy. They are big fake penises that slide over the penis with a loop the holds on by wrapping around the scrotum. I tried one as a gag once. My wife complained that it was uncomfortable to her, so we never used it again. But, boy did we have a good laugh!
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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

I've read some posts of women in a similar situation.

One woman had a breakthrough by simply taking charge of her own pleasure and the sharing that with her husband. She let go of holding her husband responsible and getting upset with him when he would let her down. This drastically changed the dynamics in her bedroom! Here are some of the things that can happen with that:

  • If premature ejaculation is the result of performance anxiety, then if you become in charge of your own pleasure it can help relieve his anxiety to relax and be more in the moment with you.
  • If you share your own pleasure with your husband, this can also make his libido and interest in pleasing you begin to respond much better.
  • It may begin to increase the frequency at which the two of you have sex, which will also help reduce his performance anxiety.


IMPORTANT: If you are pressuring your husband into sex and making him feel compelled to orgasm, he could be forcing himself to make it happen (and fast) when he may not really be in the mood. Doing so can drastically impact his personality! The refractory period after sex with men releases hormones that for all practical purposes will make him withdrawn and irritable. If he forces an orgasm, the effects of these hormones will be even worse because his body is saying, "hey you were not even wanting that, so you need to back off of that!" So talk to him about this! Try to get him to enjoy an orgasm while actively relaxing his muscles and taking deep breaths. If for some reason it does not happen while doing that, then take a break and try again later that same day or the next day.

Hope that helps,
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:30 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

Massage and cuddling is great and n all, but if that was my husbands only go to for *warming me up* I'd get bored with it pretty quick. What about a makeout session on the couch followed by a pick up and toss into the bedroom? What about attacking him when he's unexpecting it and just go wild? Or try a nice 69 position. There is sooooo much more than just piv. Do round two! Do mutual oral followed by round two.

Whatever you do, warming up isn't just cuddles and massage. Stride up to him, grab his package, and tell him it's go time then look him in the eye and let him know it ain't over until your screaming through an O. You know, make him want to achieve it! My H goes before me he KNOWS what I was an 'd expect and he always delivers, but he never used to. I had to be point blank with him "I expect you to put in the effort to get me, because I need it just as much as you do" one long open convo later and our sex life has become outrageously phenomenal ever since. Bad sex = bad marriage.

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Originally Posted by MrsBananaRama View Post
Yes there's warm up, often massage or some cuddling.



That's not a problem. As I mentioned above, he will give me a massage to warm things up. Foreplay is not an issue and he's very willing to do other things for my pleasure. But I want to really be able to get into it (the sex) but I tend to hold back or there is a lot of stopping when I just want to go at it (sorry for TMI) but feel that I can't really get into it because it will cause it to end too quickly. Again, we've talked about this for YEARS.
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:53 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Massage and cuddling is great and n all, but if that was my husbands only go to for *warming me up* I'd get bored with it pretty quick.
That might be fine while I'm writing out my shopping list or watching the Judge Judy I recorded, but it doesn't sound much like foreplay.
Quote:
That's not a problem. As I mentioned above, he will give me a massage to warm things up. Foreplay is not an issue and he's very willing to do other things for my pleasure. But I want to really be able to get into it (the sex) but I tend to hold back or there is a lot of stopping when I just want to go at it (sorry for TMI) but feel that I can't really get into it because it will cause it to end too quickly. Again, we've talked about this for YEARS.
OP, you're your own worst enemy, throwing monkey wrenches into the machinery then wondering why in hell it continues not to work.

Your husband being a one-pump chump has been an ongoing constant for years. It's not something new. But is it really rocket science to have him spend the first half hour (or whatever) making sure YOU'RE satisfied before he has his quickie? If he's not willing to do that when it's HIS inadequacies in bed that are causing all this strife, then he's a selfish jackass.

THAT'S what you've got to work with. THAT'S your reality. Stop trying to manipulate the outcome by shooting yourself in the foot and holding back because you're not going to change it.
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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That might be fine while I'm writing out my shopping list or watching the Judge Judy I recorded, but it doesn't sound much like foreplay.
OP, you're your own worst enemy, throwing monkey wrenches into the machinery then wondering why in hell it continues not to work.

Your husband being a one-pump chump has been an ongoing constant for years. It's not something new. But is it really rocket science to have him spend the first half hour (or whatever) making sure YOU'RE satisfied before he has his quickie? If he's not willing to do that when it's HIS inadequacies in bed that are causing all this strife, then he's a selfish jackass.

THAT'S what you've got to work with. THAT'S your reality. Stop trying to manipulate the outcome by shooting yourself in the foot and holding back because you're not going to change it.

I'm not reading it that way. It sounds like he is willing to do other stuff but she's only interested in PiV pounding. She's limiting her own enjoyment of sex in this way. We also don't know for sure that he's a "one pump chump". Most guys can't go marathon lengths of nonstop piv, so if that's what she's pushing for, they're both going to end up disappointed.

What she DID say is that he's not willing to do anything about it. But anything about what, exactly? Find ways to last longer PiV? Ok fair enough, but there's only so much return on investment with that regard. Find alternative ways to satisfy her? By her own words, it doesn't sound like she wants that. So we're left with a woman who wants something that her husband may not be able to give her, and is not willing to accept anything else.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

he is irritable. sex is not so good. he is hard to communicate.

Maybe the issue is that you make more money than he does, he does not like it, would like to do something about it, but can not see a way to better his position. So when you get intimate he is thinking odd things like that. He may not even realize he is doing that, it being subconscious.

If that is so, it is more complex a situation than you can handle alone. He needs some professional counseling to try to get over it.

Maybe night classes at a local college or trade school that add some skills to his porfolio, would give him some more personal worth?
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

Another "monkey wrench" would be the direct correlation between his edginess and irritability and your vocal displeasure with his inability to satisfy you. If my wife gave me an F- after every rendezvous, I would would be nasty, too....hell, I'd be spiraling towards depression. The emotional distance you feel was initiated by him- the work schedule, the preference of his phone over you, etc. In this regard, I would bet he feels emasculated.

There have been some good ideas tossed in this thread... especially from"wantshelp" and FW. That said, he may not even care to try anything new at this point.

You really need to try and rebuild his confidence here...and, I know he's resisted IC, but that needs to happen. MC, too.
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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Another "monkey wrench" would be the direct correlation between his edginess and irritability and your vocal displeasure with his inability to satisfy you. If my wife gave me an F- after every rendezvous, I would would be nasty, too....hell, I'd be spiraling towards depression. The emotional distance you feel was initiated by him- the work schedule, the preference of his phone over you, etc. In this regard, I would bet he feels emasculated.
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THAT is a great catch! Yes guys are VERY sensitive about that. If you are the quiet type, make a concerted effort to groan and moan as you have sex. Tell him "OMG, that was WONDERFUL!" afterward. You do not have to go for an oscar winning performance, but you NEED to give him positive reinforcement!!!
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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

Well, shame and ego is probably holding him back. If loving assurances has never worked than you are not getting past that barrier. Imagine if your ego, what gives you a sense of value is on your own end, under attack, he would not seek out help for his shortcomings no matter what. Seeking a sexual therapist, he would have to admit he is inadequate to a stranger and when he is with you, he is reminded of his issues. You may just be in a lose, lose situation.

People have this major tendency not to seek help until a catastrophic event occurs. Obese people know that they are obese but will not tend to seek help until a crisis occurs, diatbetes, heart attack, etc. High odds that your husband will not seek help if positive encouragement has not been successful. Then this anger, his feelings of inadequacy branches out towards everything.

If his job is stressing him out, he is seeking escape as children is stress, house work is stress,, relationship is stress so he lashes out and is avoiding other responsibilities. This is just my opinion of course.

Yes, he is willing to to be a poor role model for the children, losing their respect, keep you unhappy and uncared for because he is too focused on himself. You can tell him how unhappy you are and he may know, like an obese person knows they are obese, but facing his issues will mean facing his fears, his own self worth, and hiding or ignoring the issues.

If all talk, encouragement has failed, your last bet is the nuclear option because you have not yet reached him that this is a severe enough issue. You are still there, everything no matter how terrible is still the norm and why would you leave if you have not done so over the years. Nothing has changed.

In the meantime, go to couple's counseling on your own first to find out if there are tools you have not yet reached, detach as you will just grow more resentful if your expectations are not met, or lower them and accept ther fact that you are mainly the parent while he is just a paycheck not giving any guidance like a parent should, accept a crappy sex life and fake orgasms, and take on the lop-sided duties and let him escape from other responsibilities. Face it, if you tell him what you want and he takes it as criticism instead of listening, he has an issue. You are communicating and if you do it well, he has a problem receiving. If encouragement has failed, and telling him point blank he is bad at sex has failed, you pretty much have no way of talking and action is the next course.

I dumped my previous gf because of her sexual issues and found the grass is greener because I have a partner that meets my needs and I hers. It starts with transparency and being honest wiht one another and it takes me looking into a mirror and her as well so we both get the relationship we want. If you have looked into the mirror and he cannot, there can not be a better relationship as it only takes one to drag it down. No one can carry a great relationship on their own and save another person from themselves. He is more likely to drag you down with him when you burn out from being the real only parent, house keeper, you will neglect yourself in order to maintain his own end.

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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? I have had several clients that have repaired their relationship by seeing a professional counselor to address the problems in the bedroom. My bet is that he is embarrassed and has some function problems. Sooner or later one of you (probably you) will want to get their sexual frustrations worked out, if he does not address this, then you will have to go outside the marriage or become asexual.
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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:03 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

For him getting off too fast, get a prescription of Paxel. May not help the other stuff, but it will cure that problem.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:26 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

its his responsibility to you and the marriage to satisfy your natural desire for sex. you have not gone outside of the marriage. you need to find some nice, kind way of explaining that to him. i once got my wife off 6 times oral works wonders, i kept asking her if she was "thirsty for more" she was enjoying it so i kept going and going and going. i put her on a pedestal when it comes to sex. i want her to be sexually satisfied, emotionally and physically drained when im done. im not stopping till she said she has had enough. frankly when im done with her she'll come back for more. satisfying my wife is my duty as a husband. sure there are other needs i have to meet but sex is one of them, and an important need
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