Re: Not interested in sex with him
Well, shame and ego is probably holding him back. If loving assurances has never worked than you are not getting past that barrier. Imagine if your ego, what gives you a sense of value is on your own end, under attack, he would not seek out help for his shortcomings no matter what. Seeking a sexual therapist, he would have to admit he is inadequate to a stranger and when he is with you, he is reminded of his issues. You may just be in a lose, lose situation.
People have this major tendency not to seek help until a catastrophic event occurs. Obese people know that they are obese but will not tend to seek help until a crisis occurs, diatbetes, heart attack, etc. High odds that your husband will not seek help if positive encouragement has not been successful. Then this anger, his feelings of inadequacy branches out towards everything.
If his job is stressing him out, he is seeking escape as children is stress, house work is stress,, relationship is stress so he lashes out and is avoiding other responsibilities. This is just my opinion of course.
Yes, he is willing to to be a poor role model for the children, losing their respect, keep you unhappy and uncared for because he is too focused on himself. You can tell him how unhappy you are and he may know, like an obese person knows they are obese, but facing his issues will mean facing his fears, his own self worth, and hiding or ignoring the issues.
If all talk, encouragement has failed, your last bet is the nuclear option because you have not yet reached him that this is a severe enough issue. You are still there, everything no matter how terrible is still the norm and why would you leave if you have not done so over the years. Nothing has changed.
In the meantime, go to couple's counseling on your own first to find out if there are tools you have not yet reached, detach as you will just grow more resentful if your expectations are not met, or lower them and accept ther fact that you are mainly the parent while he is just a paycheck not giving any guidance like a parent should, accept a crappy sex life and fake orgasms, and take on the lop-sided duties and let him escape from other responsibilities. Face it, if you tell him what you want and he takes it as criticism instead of listening, he has an issue. You are communicating and if you do it well, he has a problem receiving. If encouragement has failed, and telling him point blank he is bad at sex has failed, you pretty much have no way of talking and action is the next course.
I dumped my previous gf because of her sexual issues and found the grass is greener because I have a partner that meets my needs and I hers. It starts with transparency and being honest wiht one another and it takes me looking into a mirror and her as well so we both get the relationship we want. If you have looked into the mirror and he cannot, there can not be a better relationship as it only takes one to drag it down. No one can carry a great relationship on their own and save another person from themselves. He is more likely to drag you down with him when you burn out from being the real only parent, house keeper, you will neglect yourself in order to maintain his own end.
I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!