Not interested in sex with him - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Not interested in sex with him

Hubby and I have been together a long time, 18 years so pretty much our whole adult lives. Over time I feel like we've become sexually incompatible. We never did have a stellar sex life but in the early days it was good enough. A few kids later and now we're getting older and I just haven't felt satisfied in so many years. It makes me not want to initiate intimacy because it's rarely satisfying for me. He's on the smaller side which wasn't a huge issue when we first started dating but as the years have gone on I realize it's become a bigger issue for me to feel satisfied and it's not just a size issue. We've tried toys, etc. but it doesn't solve the actual problem. He also is not able to control when he climaxes and it is often over way too soon (in minutes) and we've talked about this but he's never really sought out anything to help with it even though I have suggested more than once. The other issue is that I have also began to feel emotional distance from him over the last few years. With his job he is away at night, leaving me solo parenting the kids. When it is our time to be together as a family on the weekends, we go out to do family activities and he is edgy, not interested, he even yells at the kids in public and this embarrasses me and makes me want to just take them out by myself. At home, he is constantly on his phone playing games and will ignore us. We had a big talk a few months ago about the disconnect I've been feeling and I told him how upsetting it is that he ignores us, gets angry too often, will get mad at me over something insignificant and then ignore me for HOURS. I asked him if he really wanted to be with us; if it weren't for financial constraints would he prefer to leave me and the kids? He said no and admitted that he did feel edgy and angry when we go out as a family but it hasn't really changed. We don't even go out that much as a family anymore and I'm sad about this. I also mentioned that when the kids are older, if we're still in the same "rut", what would be keeping us together? I was clear I wasn't threatening to leave him but wanted him to know that we aren't going down a great path at the moment. He has made more effort to engage with me and the kids lately but I still feel this disconnect and I'm not sure where to go from here. I love this man -- when we married I couldn't imagine ever being without him -- now I feel like over time he has changed and I don't know how to get back to what we once had. There are no infidelity issues on his part or mine but I fear that the disconnect and lack of sexual satisfaction is putting me at risk of wanting to find it outside of our marriage. I feel so conflicted that I have been attracted to other men and had desires for someone else lately (which may be a mutual attraction) when I should be feeling it for my husband. I have never cheated on him and, in fact, have never cheated on a boyfriend ever in my life. The fact that I feel like I could, that I maybe even want to, is very troubling.

It feels like I'm in limbo and kind of stuck in a situation that isn't fulfilling for me. Financially and logistically, it wouldn't benefit either of us to not be together so that is a huge roadblock. I know people might think, and may even do it themselves, to just leave. But it's not always that easy to do when kids are involved and one person is the major breadwinner (me, in this case). On the outside we appear to be a healthy happy couple and have been together "forever" but it's not so much on the inside. I haven't told anyone, friends or family, how I'm feeling or what's going on. I guess I don't want them to tell me what they think I should do because I kind of have to figure it out on my own.

Anyone ever been in this position before?
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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

So sorry you are facing this issue. Not easy to bring up. Clearly it will hurt him to hear the truth. But I am sure he suspects and getting it out in the open is the only way to resolve the issue.

Do both of you a favor. Talk to him honestly about how you feel. Go to a sex therapist. See if, working together with the issue out in the open and with professional guidance, you can find a way for him to satisfy you on a regular basis. If you can, imagine how much better your life and marriage will be. His self-confidence will soar. Your pleasure will soar. You will both feel more connected. Win-win-win for everyone.

If he cannot satisfy you despite professional intervention, or if he won't try or do the work required (might require changes to his diet and more exercise, ED meds so he can do "round 2", etc.), then you both have difficult choices to make.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Originally Posted by MrsBananaRama View Post
It feels like I'm in limbo and kind of stuck in a situation that isn't fulfilling for me. Financially and logistically, it wouldn't benefit either of us to not be together so that is a huge roadblock. I know people might think, and may even do it themselves, to just leave. But it's not always that easy to do when kids are involved and one person is the major breadwinner (me, in this case).
Wait. What?

You're the major breadwinner in the family yet you're 'stuck' because he's under-employed? That would be his problem, not yours.

I'm not quite sure why you're willing to stay in such a miserable marriage with someone whose SO completely disconnected from you in every single, possible way. Also, don't be TOO sure he's 'playing games' on his phone. My spidey senses tell me that's not all he's doing on that phone.

I'd be willing to bet the farm if he won the lottery tomorrow, he'd be gone so fast your head would spin.

Don't stay for financial reasons. Life is too short.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Don't stay for financial reasons. Life is too short.
The sounds nice but not practical for many reasons. If the result of a divorce would be an additional financial hardship, it's something that can't be done. I've been in that situation for a very long time. I identify with the OP, this causes a situation where you're basically stuck. A divorce would only make matters worse. It's not as easy and pick up your stuff and leave.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

Thanks for the replies so far. I'll respond to each:

Holdingontoit -- We have talked about sex issues...I feel like there isn't much more to say about it as I've been very open about it in the past and he has acknowledged that he isn't satisfying me or himself sometimes, which is equally frustrating to him. Counselling or therapy I don't think is something he'd be up for. I have suggested counselling for him for his edginess and anger for no reason and he wasn't up for it and hasn't made any efforts to try that out. I can't force him to do it.

Shesstillgotit -- It's complicated. He's not underemployed, it's just that we have very different jobs and his doesn't have high pay compared to mine. We both work hard and have great work ethic wrt our jobs. I also do genuinely love him deeply...whether I'm "in love" is something else and I never realized there is a difference until I've been questioning it late.ly. I've spent half my life with this person and I've taken on this "caring for him" role but I also do almost everything in the household. I've been candid that I want a husband, not another kid to take care of. It's almost turned into a bit of an ongoing joke but the truth is that I resent it sometimes. He says how much he needs me....to take care of and figure everything out...sometimes I want to someone to take care of things for me and it's frustrating. I don't want to paint the wrong picture though; he does have good qualities and he does do things for me and has been there for me in times that have been hard for me. Oh and when we had that convo a few months back, I asked him if money didn't matter and he had a really high-paying job, would he leave me? He said no and it sounded genuine but who knows.

jb02157 -- That's kind of it. Financially we're both much better off together.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

Just looking at the issue with your sex life: Does he want to please you in bed, or does he not care?
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Just looking at the issue with your sex life: Does he want to please you in bed, or does he not care?
Yes I think he does, but doesn't want to actually do anything about it. Does that even make sense?
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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The sounds nice but not practical for many reasons. If the result of a divorce would be an additional financial hardship, it's something that can't be done. I've been in that situation for a very long time. I identify with the OP, this causes a situation where you're basically stuck. A divorce would only make matters worse. It's not as easy and pick up your stuff and leave.
How have you handled your emotional and physical needs? I'm a strong person and am willing to sacrifice my own satisfaction for the benefit of my kids and our family unit. But how long can someone neglect emotional and physical satisfaction? At what point will my need for this drive me to do something that I know is wrong (ie. infidelity emotionally or physically?) It's never justified and I wouldn't ever blame him so feel incredibly guilty even wanting someone else who makes me feel what is missing.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Yes I think he does, but doesn't want to actually do anything about it. Does that even make sense?
You mentioned that he doesn't last long. Is there anything going on besides PiV? Do you both take the time to make sure you are both warmed up?

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Originally Posted by MrsBananaRama View Post
How have you handled your emotional and physical needs? I'm a strong person and am willing to sacrifice my own satisfaction for the benefit of my kids and our family unit. But how long can someone neglect emotional and physical satisfaction? At what point will my need for this drive me to do something that I know is wrong (ie. infidelity emotionally or physically?) It's never justified and I wouldn't ever blame him so feel incredibly guilty even wanting someone else who makes me feel what is missing.
My emotional and physical needs have had to be put on hold until this situation changes where I or the family wouldn't be as severely impacted as we would be now. I have tried and tried to talk to her about all the many issues in our marriage and she in unwilling to do anything or make any compromise. I have long planned that when our last daughter is out of school my financial obligation to the family will be less and I can leave her. As unfair as it it, my needs will have to wait until then.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:29 AM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

In a way it does to me. My wife *wants* to take care of my physical needs, but is unwilling to actually do anything about them. I think its possible for someone to honestly (at least honest to themselves) want to do something, but just not be able to make themselves actually do so.

That doesn't help though.

If you ask him to do sexual things for you before you have intercourse, how does he respond?



I may be focusing too much on the sexual issues, but sometimes a bad sex life can poison the rest of a relationship


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Yes I think he does, but doesn't want to actually do anything about it. Does that even make sense?
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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You mentioned that he doesn't last long. Is there anything going on besides PiV? Do you both take the time to make sure you are both warmed up?
Yes there's warm up, often massage or some cuddling.

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If you ask him to do sexual things for you before you have intercourse, how does he respond?
That's not a problem. As I mentioned above, he will give me a massage to warm things up. Foreplay is not an issue and he's very willing to do other things for my pleasure. But I want to really be able to get into it (the sex) but I tend to hold back or there is a lot of stopping when I just want to go at it (sorry for TMI) but feel that I can't really get into it because it will cause it to end too quickly. Again, we've talked about this for YEARS.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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That's not a problem. As I mentioned above, he will give me a massage to warm things up. Foreplay is not an issue and he's very willing to do other things for my pleasure. But I want to really be able to get into it (the sex) but I tend to hold back or there is a lot of stopping when I just want to go at it (sorry for TMI) but feel that I can't really get into it because it will cause it to end too quickly. Again, we've talked about this for YEARS.
A friend of mine was with a man who would go off in minutes when they had sex, so the way they handled it was this easy...they just did it twice. The first time, he'd go off in minutes as expected, and they both just got into the quick frenzy of getting him off that first time. Then they would rest for a bit, he would give her oral or other play, they would make out and then soon enough, he'd be ready again. The second time then would last much longer and they could both get satisfied.

At other times, he would just get himself off an hour or so before sex, and that would then usually make the sex last a good time longer than normal.

To accomplish this though, they had a couple of things that I think are necessary....they were not embarrassed or upset by this. They just considered it a fact about the way his body works and worked with it without any shame or emotional side effects. They talked about it. "Hey let's have sex later, will you go get yourself off first please, I can help if you want!" was a typical way for her to initiate sex, for instance. It just was a part of their sex life and it didn't mean anything was "wrong" with either of them.

It sounds like you love your husband but are frustrated and sad about how things are going, so I don't know if you two would be able to implement something like this, but it was worth suggesting.

You mentioned you feel attracted to someone and it may be mutual. This is a very slippery slope, and per your words, you can feel it....you know this is a potential hazard to your fidelity.

Whoever it is, I would advise you to cut them out of your life. That's really the only way to get over a crush like that. I know you probably enjoy the feeling of attraction and being turned on by the thought of better sex....it does feel good to fantasize, of course. But seriously, you will be very sorry later if you don't cut that off completely and just try to either fix your marriage or figure out how and when you can safely leave the marriage.

Fantasizing about a particular person you know in real life has a way of making that fantasy turn into an affair. Though the reality of an affair is such an ugly thing, you would never believe it was the same original fantasy. What feels like a light fun adventure, suddenly turns into the end of your life as you knew it, including breaking the hearts of everyone who loves you.

It sounds like his general grumpiness and edginess is a problem and without him working on that, you probably won't be able to improve things too much. So I would focus on this area for now. He either needs to show some willingness to work on his attitude (whatever that takes, he may need to see a medical doctor, he may be low T or have some other condition that is causing his grumpiness, he may need counseling, anti-depressants, etc), or he needs to just be able to say "this is who I am, grumpy is what I am now, take it or leave it". That way, you could at least know he is not willing to work on that and then it would be up to you to decide if you want to stay with him for the rest of your life or not, knowing he won't change. Not having false hope, in other words. He either needs to work on it and give you hope or let you know there isn't any.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

The unfortunately reality is that some men are not able to satisfy their partners through PIV. They may not last long enough, get tired, have ED etc. These problems also tend to increase with age.

I think the solution is to try to stop thinking of PIV as the main part of sex. If he is willing, there are lots of other things he can do to please you and give you an O - oral, toys etc. PIV can be *part* of your normal sex life, but not the central feature.

This may not be optimal for you, but I think realistically as we all age it will be difficult to find men who can manage PIV for as long and that way that you want.







Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsBananaRama View Post
Yes there's warm up, often massage or some cuddling.



That's not a problem. As I mentioned above, he will give me a massage to warm things up. Foreplay is not an issue and he's very willing to do other things for my pleasure. But I want to really be able to get into it (the sex) but I tend to hold back or there is a lot of stopping when I just want to go at it (sorry for TMI) but feel that I can't really get into it because it will cause it to end too quickly. Again, we've talked about this for YEARS.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Not interested in sex with him

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Yes I think he does, but doesn't want to actually do anything about it. Does that even make sense?
I think that would class as "doesn't care".
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