brendan

husband 1987 - you sounds very close to where i was last year,
things havent improved. we havent had sex in neally a year (im 27)

we dont argue much and have a young daughter but have decided counsilling. i feel our marriage is more or less normal apart from the no sex part.

prepare yourself for some hard times, and although i havent and you sounds like you probably wont. you will have thoughts about cheating/paying for sex or picking up elsewhere.

husband1987

Thank you all for the advice. It is very helpful. Mostly to be reassured that I'm not a pervert, and that sex has to be a priority despite work, stress, etc. You all seem like you have been in my shoes or are still there.

She knows it is important and meaningful to me. For a while, I talked the subject into the ground in attempt to get some ounce of concern for the situation, nothing. Just your selfish, I'm tired and you should understand, but you can rub my head and feet.

I'll read and prepare for harder times. Brendan, your right, thoughts do enter your mind, especially when you are young and work around lots of other girls your age that actually seem to notice you. It is nice to be checked out when you are killing yourself to be in shape for someone who never seems to notice.

PHTlump

Why not? It sounds like she's admitting to exactly that. And that's not love. That's just cold manipulation.

Good. Honesty is always good. If you lie, she will know you're lying. What you need to work on now is making your actions consistent with your words without looking like you're pouting.

Hicks

If she always asks you if she if you are happy, and if you have everything, you should ask her "Are you happy and do you havce everything you wanted in a husband"... If she says no, ask her in what ways could you meet her needs better. If she says yes, then you should tell her that actually, no you are not everything I wanted in a new wife. I expect my marriage to be sexual.

husband1987

We've had that conversation. She says I'm perfect, I tell her I want a more sexual relationship. She says I'm sorry, ant that is that.

Enough is enough. I'm convinced to make a stand. It seems to me from all the books, even MMSL, that the woman will always be in control of sex. All the books are just strategies for men. The only way for a man to get some control is to marry a kinky woman.

PHTlump

You are being naive. Marriage is absolutely about sex. Especially for men. For men, regular sex is probably the primary reason for marriage. Marriage doesn't have to be ONLY about sex. But a marriage without sex is like a hamburger without beef.

You are young and you probably have a very idealized picture of marriage. You think that the vows you took mean that you and your wife must show each other unconditional love forever. The problem is, it's not true. Adults don't have unconditional love for each other. Even married couples. If you quit your job, gained 200 pounds, planned to be on welfare forever, and spent every day playing video games on the couch, your wife would absolutely divorce you. You would have become worthless in her eyes. And women want high value in a mate.

So don't fool yourself that your wife would never leave you or hurt you, so you shouldn't hurt her. She's already hurting you in the honeymoon stage of your marriage. If you allow this to continue, she will only value you less and less as time goes on.

You absolutely need to turn up the heat. You just need to do it with your actions and not your words. By complaining about sex, but continuing to give your wife everything she needs, you come across as weak. You've devalued yourself from her husband to her servant. And women don't like having sex with servants.

And don't worry about coming across as a jerk. First of all, she likes jerks. You said her other two relationships were with jerks. Don't be afraid of being a bit of a jerk sometimes. And really, you won't be a jerk. When a certified nice guy (which you sound like) starts trying to act like a jerk, all he ends up doing is standing up for himself in a respectful way. What's wrong with that?

That's the Preselection Effect. Other women are interested in you. That's a display of high value. The primitive part of her brain notices that and actually becomes more attracted to you. The worst thing you can do in this case is insist that other women are not interested in you, and even if they were, you would absolutely never take any interest in them.

husband1987

Wow, I feel like glass. You people have seen right through me. Your right, I've always put marriage on a pedestal. A do what they want attitude even if it means sacrifice. She had me thinking that if sex is that important then I don't love her.

Ya'll are right though, this marriage is boring and kind of sucks without sex and passion. Can't imagine forty more years of this.

Hicks

I"m not really sure what you mean by this.
Your wife will respond sexually to you if you take the proper actoins. Mainly she has to know that you are steadfast in your needs, there is no wavering, and you are willing to let her step aside if she cannot be an equal partner in the marriage. YOu can't act out of desperatoin and neediness, but out of resolve and confidence.

This does two things 1. Forces her to reassess her actions 2. Turns her on sexually because you are a man with principles and boundaries.

The last thing I will say is you have to realize that inside of her, she is sexual and wants to be sexual. She needs you to draw it out of her. And if you don't, someone will at some point.

Enchantment

It should not be about control at all. It needs to be about mutuality. However, both of you have misconceptions and pre-conceived notions that will have to change in order for this mutuality to happen. Believe it or not, that is what marriage is all about - it's not about cruising along happily with nary a problem in sight. It's about trying to navigate together all of the bumps and turns that you get thrown in life - and sometimes it means that YOU need to help take the helm and steer. Congratulations - you are having to learn how to navigate a very big bump in married life.

And the level of kinkiness is both, at the same time, something that is part of the make-up that is intrinsic to a person and is also the RESPONSE of them to another. YOU can help to open the second door - her response to you - by finding the way to get your wife to respond to you - and all of the menfolk here have given you some good advice on that. Your WIFE will have to be the one willing to open the first door - changing her ideas and attitudes about how she feels about sex.

Oh, and you don't really have to be a jerk. A jerk is someone who could care less about the other's feelings, a jerk is someone who would be in it only for themself and short term gratification. Instead, change your mindset and tell yourself you are not being a jerk, you are being a person with resolve - you are doing it for the betterment of both of you, for the betterment of your marriage. A person of resolve has strength of CHARACTER and MIND, cares about the other person, but has enough foresight and FORTITUDE to keep going when things start to get rough.

Best wishes.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

husband1987

One way would be to throw the TV and her IPhone away. I swear she is on FaceBook until she falls asleep.

Dadof3

Two things for you H1987:

1 - IPhone / FB - I see a red flag - I'll get to this in a minute:

2 - Get His Needs, Her Needs and 5 Love Languages. Read it with her. Also for yourself, read Married Men Sex Life Primer, No More Mr Nice Guy, and Hold on to your Nutz (these after you've read His Needs, Her Needs)

Ok back to iPhone / FB. Well, now that you mention it, obsession with smart phones and FB are often hallmarks of someone who could possibly having an emotional affair (EA).

Whats the big deal you might ask? If you read Athol's Married Mens Sex Life Primer, you will find out that Men are wired for Polygamy and women are wired for Hypergamy - which means trading up to a partner that will result in some advantage for her offspring. Not saying your W is doing this, however, Hypergamy means that they can only engage in one relationship at a time emotionally, sexually. Even if its only an "emotional thing" or best friends kinda thing, they become less or not sexually available.

Now I've brought this up - you mentioned two words that by themselves aren't necessarily bad alone - iPhone and Facebook. Combine that with the fact that it sounds like she's glued to them - there's a high chance that there maybe someone else in the picture.

Read some of the other posts if you don't believe me. Take my word, an EA will kill your W's desire. Somehow, you need to confirm her actions with both, if you give it a chance. If there is nothing there, then proceed with reading His Needs, Her Needs with her. She needs to understand 2 things: 1 - this is NOT ok, and 2 - you can work together to figure it out.

Read the other books I've mentioned.

Tall Average Guy

You have been given some good advice so far. I would note that if your marriage fails, your wife will be back to having to give sex to some other guy to keep him. Ironic, considering that had she given that sex to you, the marriage would not have failed. Would not be the worst idea in the world to get that point across to her.

husband1987

I'll read the books.

As far as FB and the IPhone. I have complete access to both. It is all family and friends, but mostly she uses for marketing her photography business which has consumed her. I have no doubt that she is faithful. She is honest even when I could do with a little less honesty.

Who isn't consumed with FB these days?

Personally, I think it is a combination of her working a lot including nights and becoming content with our marriage. Basically, sex isn't a priority for her and she has gotten lazy that regard.

Dadof3

Just sayin'!

I can't even recall all of the threads I've read that start out eerily similar to yours, then when sh*t hits the fan - turns out wifey has been secretive about some FB friend, etc, etc, etc.

Its good for her to have this part of her life to keep busy. Where its bad - is that it obsesses her to the detriment of the marriage.

Just thought I'd point it out, just in case.

If you are good with it, then proceed to these books with HER: His Needs, Her Needs.

You start reading No More Mr Nice Guy on your own. You may want to share with her at some point what you've learned.

Once you are both done with His Needs, Her Needs, proceed with her to 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Its possible that you aren't speaking her love language, so she's unwilling to speak yours. Know and understand what hers are (and she vice versa) before going to deep with the thermostat approach mentioned earlier in your posts. Last thing you want to do is totally shut down her love language areas while "cooling the temp" on the relationship. You want to be conversant in hers, as well as she in yours.

Then when you are done with Mr Nice Guy, your choice of MMSLP or Hold on to your NUTZ for reading next.

Dadof3

If reading through all these and working with your W with the joint books and still no improvement, then you should run your MAP or lower the Thermostat.

It wouldn't be bad to seek some counseling for your W on her aversion to sex. Get her hormones checked at the Doc, make sure they are normal in all areas. Women who are polycystic can have very low desire too. You can usually diagnose a polycystic woman with hormone tests.