Hicks

Your wife has to give herself an excuse to have sex.
This is why it's important for you not to constantly reassure her that she's a great wife. She has to fear that you will leave if she is not sexual.

PHTlump

I hope so too. And the sex last night is a good indicator. But you should continue to read this board. It is full of men who reach a critical point, have a serious conversation with their wives, the sex improves for a time, and then steadily declines back to the critical point. This can go on for years if you let it.

For now, take your wife at her word, but make sure her actions match her words. And continue your self-improvement to better attract her. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Dadof3

H1987: Here's a thread for you to check out where the gentleman is having a similar problem to yours. The advice that was given, and that he has taken to heart is working for him so far. I think it would do wonders for you too. My Wife says I am controlling, needs space

teddybear12

I'm in a similar situation as you are... I'm 23, and am in a sexless marriage. And the sex that we do have feels empty because I know she is not enjoying it. Our first year together we had sex several times a day. After getting engaged a year into our relationship, she tells me that she doesn't enjoy sex at all. I went with it thinking that it would one day resolve itself. 4 years later, it's only declined. It is seriously hurting our relationship and will likely end in divorce. I love her to death and I know that she loves me but a marriage without sex/affection is not a marriage but a friendship.

You really need to face this issue head on and work things out NOW. Because if you don't, it will end with you divorcing each other several years down the road. My best advice is to go to a psychiatrist. My university has free counseling services and it has helped a lot, yours will likely have one too... specifically ask for a psychiatrist, there is a major difference between a marriage counselor and a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist has to go through medical school and then a 4 year residency to become a psychiatrist. A marriage counselor is a graduates degree program.

Another thing... Don't do anything that you will regret several years down the road. If you keep badgering her about sex, she will associate sex with something that is unpleasant and it will only make things worse(speaking with experience here). The best thing you can do is show your support and love for her to make this change in your relationship TOGETHER. But seriously, stop playing the blame game, it won't lead anywhere good.

teddybear12

I don't think that I agree with your view point... If his wife doesn't feel secure in their relationship, it will most likely make her withdraw even more.

Having said that, she does need to understand that a sexless marriage is not ok and needs to be worked on. Like I said the best way to approach this is to go to a psychiatrist so that it can be mediated.

Runs like Dog

You could also stop beating yourself up. Some people marry psychopaths who want to watch you suffer and squirm for the hell of it. Back of the envelope I'd say one out of seven or eight.

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MEM11363

Teddy,
This isn't a communication issue. She understands the situation perfectly. Nothing WILL change unless she feels the marriage is in jeopardy. That is spimply how this works. The reason you are sexless is that you don't grasp that.


TE=teddybear12;518859]I don't think that I agree with your view point... If his wife doesn't feel secure in their relationship, it will most likely make her withdraw even more.

Having said that, she does need to understand that a sexless marriage is not ok and needs to be worked on. Like I said the best way to approach this is to go to a psychiatrist so that it can be mediated.[/QUOTE]
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DanG

RE: "Well, we had great sex last night so we will see. But, I know it will take a lot of work to get back to where we were." It sounds like where you "were" is her being motivated to do what she needed to attract and keep you - consciously or instinctual. Indeed, you are there now. It will be your challenge to keep her interest, thoughts and motivations moving in that direction - IF it is your desire to remain with a woman of her disposition. You may want to give that some thought - relative to her expressed views of what men only want, apparently said with at least some discount of a like of sex on her part. She may have deep issues that will make this more than a hormonal or temperature fix. A couple of things that I don't think have been mentioned: 1) Get her off the pills to not only address possible hormonal issues, but also put you MORE in control of the ties of the relationship. She could decide to get pregnant - to keep you. That would be "easy," wouldn't it? 2) Sounds like her previous relationships were with Alphas. You are the sane and sensible Beta she needs, but you are way too Beta for your own sexual good. In fact, YOU are more control than you think, with YOU being able to help her "decide" if she is going to get pregnant, have an affair with an Alpha, or grow up to be YOUR wife and have better sex to keep her husband. Get more Alpha, turn up the heat, do a 180 . . . whatever. But, DON'T keep being so nice!
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EleGirl

No it does not have to be. I know quite a few very nice, loyal, loving women.. myself included who are 'very active' and love sex as much as our husbands. IMHO, your wife's attitude is down right mean.

Too bad there is no one in your life... a woman she respects... who can give her the scoop on this. If she keeps it up she will very likely lose you in the end. You are very likely to fall out of love with her as our needs are not met.

There is a very good book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley that might help. If the two of you read it and work through it, it could change things. You really do need to be up front with her about how disappointed you are and how hurt you are. If you are not then you are not being honest with her and giving her the chance to change and meet your needs.

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teddybear12

I disagree again... my marriage is actually in jeopardy and it is because of the way I handled the situation that got me to this point. I didn't show her support or love, I did the exact opposite and badgered her about sex all the time. This lead to resentment and for her to withdraw even more. Speaking from experience.

PHTlump

Teddy,

You're looking at apples and oranges here. In your case, you have said that you physically abused your wife. In cases of abuse, yes, the abused spouse will have trouble feeling secure and trusting the other spouse.

But that's not what many, or most, women in sexless marriages experience. They feel insecure because their husband is too nice and doesn't have boundaries. If their husbands are easily pushed around by their wives, then how can they deal with external forces more powerful?

So these average men in sexless marriages need to stand up to their wives and enforce boundaries in their marriage. That will give their wives respect for them, which will increase attraction, which will lead to more sex.

So the actions of boundary enforcement are much more effective in most sexless marriages than one more conversation or visiting a psychiatrist for medication.

tacoma

Let her know about these women as casually as you can in conversation.

Start talking about how interesting one of them is, about how she likes to be around you, about how funny, witty, clever, & cute she is.

Nothing forces my wife to step up like the threat of another woman taking my interest.

Nothing.

tacoma

This isn`t really true.

It does happen more often than not but a man either allows his woman to control his sexuality or he takes control of it himself.

Do not ever allow any woman to make you believe this.

How does your wife control your sex?
Can she really?

You say there are other women interested in you.
Could you sleep with them?
Let her know it could happen.

She needs to value you more and she has no motivation to do so at the present time.

MEM11363

This is exactly and 100 percent true and sometimes needs to be directly mentioned.

The best delivery style (IMO) goes like this:
- Clearly you don't like having sex with me
- Far worse, you seem unwilling to tell me why, so that we can improve it
- It isn't fair for us to put all this pressure on you to do something you really don't want to do
- So until we decide otherwise, all the pressure is off, as I will be getting my sexual entertainment outside the marriage

And then shut up. I mean it. Don't say another word. Expect outrage and fury. Just keep repeating "this is all about you, removing the guilt you feel for being an incomplete wife. And the tension between us about our very poor sex life".

And eventually you will get the ultimatum - if you do that I will divorce you. And at that moment you make your last point:
"So you don't think sex is not important in a marriage, and are comfortable not having it open ended". But suddenly if I am doing it with someone else it becomes SO IMPORTANT to you, that you are ready to divorce.

And then shut up again. And no matter what she says reply with "I disagree". Finish it at the very end with: "I won't bring anyone back to the house".

Runs like Dog

The problem with brinksmanship is that rarely does the person who starts it have any serious intent of following through. In more than a few cases were the man to confront his wife with a "Screw me or I'm screwing someone else" he'd be met with badly packed suitcase and her angry brothers tossing you out the door. And then she gets all your stuff.

People who don't have sex don't want sex. At least not with you. Probably not with anyone, but at the least not with you. All the finely tuned Amazon book-worthy nuanced psychobabble or pas de deux whilst walking the knife's edge of compassionate hand holding the friend zone.....are complete f^cking bullsh^t.

I truly do not understand the point of 'daring' someone. As if what? They didn't know they had genitals? It simply never occurred to them that lovemaking was something normal couples do? Daring someone into psychically kicking them in the head to get them to wake the hell up is stupid. Why? Because all they have to do is comply with your demands for a very short time. And they know that if they can do that for a few weeks or months, they can get away with going back to sexless marriage soon enough. And then what? You're a one-trick pony and she (or he) would laugh at you if you tried the same thing. You clearly didn't leave the last time and all they had to do was keep you happy for a few weeks. My recommendation would be, if you're going to threaten, don't. Just bolt. Separate. It won't be a shock to your partner. Believe me, when you're gone either they'll be happy or they'll be miserable they can't torture you any more. In either case, have an exit strategy and don't suddenly go off and move w/o any planning.

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