Hello everyone.
I just stumbled across this forum today and I'm so glad I did. I'm hoping for some advice on how to handle a situation with my husband; he's 36 and I'm 29, we've been married for 3 years but together for 5. I feel very embarrassed talking to anyone I know about this, so I really appreciate the help in advance, especially since this is going to be SO long.
We have been going through some rough patches in our sex life over the past year or so. I have had lots of hormonal problems over these past several months that come and go, such as low sex drive, chronic bacterial vaginosis, vaginal dryness, yeast infections, migraines, etc. Throughout these rough patches, he had been very negative about my low sex drive - he always thought it had something to do with how I feel about him (it didn't); he would get mad at me when I wouldn't kiss him with passion even in moments that generally are little pecks; he really just thought everything was about him. He would get extremely frustrated when we did do it because I was not wet enough, which again he thought was a lack of arousal. He has some issues with depression and anxiety which we are always working through, so I know some of this comes from a position of that, but it put up a huge wall because I felt like he wasn't really listening to me, and didn't believe me when I told him it was hormonal and that it had nothing to do with my feelings for him (I have always been a sexual person so I knew it was something imbalanced in my body, and I love him more than anything).
I finally came to the decision to come off hormonal birth control, something we had been discussing for awhile. I finally was able to lay it out for my doctor, and she agreed that it could resolve a lot of the vaginal and hormonal issues. She suggested condom use, which I am fine with because we are not in a situation in which we want to get pregnant. When I told him we could use condoms during the fertile times, he FLIPPED out. It was back to all of the old things, I don't really want him, we might as well just give up sex altogether because he's never going to feel me again, etc, I mean a complete overreaction. Things calmed down after a bit and we tabled the issue.
That was almost a month ago, and I definitely have seen a lot of my health issues go away. We have had sex once or twice a week since I came off the pill and have used the pull out method, and he hasn't complained. However, he still becomes very hurt and defensive when I don't want him to touch me, even if it's for a legitimate reason (I mean I really don't want him tweaking my nipples while I'm eating pasta - he says things like "I'm sorry I annoy you" really sarcastically).
As another bit of background information, a coworker of his messaged me on facebook on new year's telling me she's in love with him. I confronted him about it, and he told me not to worry about it - he has been open with me about how he and other coworkers have been trying to help her from suicidal thoughts, and I have no reason to believe they are involved, but I know she wants to be involved, and based on all of these other issues, it is a cause for alarm for me.
Back to sex - He has always been very sexual, and I know he looks at porn and masturbates. He also has bisexual tendencies (something he was always open and honest with me about - never romantic, always only sexual). My gut tells me he's masturbating a lot, and this morning I brought his phone upstairs for him, and when I unplugged it, I saw a KIK message from a guy saying "Oh do you?" I teach high school, so I know what KIK is, and this is the tipping point for me.
Here is my concern: I REALLY want to talk to him about all of this - about the condoms, about the coworker, about how he feels now about our sex life, about the KIK thing, about how he may be addicted to masturbating and perhaps online sexual infidelity - but I am SO worried he is going to shut down. I want him to know that I am not accusing him of anything; that I love him, trust him, and want to work through all of these issues with him together. I feel like I've made him out to be awful, but aside from all of this he really is the most wonderful husband in so many ways (caring, loving, supportive, attentive, etc). I'm afraid that even if I say that I am not accusing him, he will still think so and it will push him away from me. I can't keep holding all of this in, because I have my own anxiety issues and I'm having trouble focusing at work and on other things.
I just really, really want transparency. I want us to give one another privacy, but I don't want to keep feeling like he's hiding things from me. I want him to understand that we have to help one another with understanding and loving one another.
I'm hoping you guys can offer some insight on how I may approach this with him. I'm afraid of keeping it inside and letting it fester.
Thank you all so much, again.
I just stumbled across this forum today and I'm so glad I did. I'm hoping for some advice on how to handle a situation with my husband; he's 36 and I'm 29, we've been married for 3 years but together for 5. I feel very embarrassed talking to anyone I know about this, so I really appreciate the help in advance, especially since this is going to be SO long.
We have been going through some rough patches in our sex life over the past year or so. I have had lots of hormonal problems over these past several months that come and go, such as low sex drive, chronic bacterial vaginosis, vaginal dryness, yeast infections, migraines, etc. Throughout these rough patches, he had been very negative about my low sex drive - he always thought it had something to do with how I feel about him (it didn't); he would get mad at me when I wouldn't kiss him with passion even in moments that generally are little pecks; he really just thought everything was about him. He would get extremely frustrated when we did do it because I was not wet enough, which again he thought was a lack of arousal. He has some issues with depression and anxiety which we are always working through, so I know some of this comes from a position of that, but it put up a huge wall because I felt like he wasn't really listening to me, and didn't believe me when I told him it was hormonal and that it had nothing to do with my feelings for him (I have always been a sexual person so I knew it was something imbalanced in my body, and I love him more than anything).
I finally came to the decision to come off hormonal birth control, something we had been discussing for awhile. I finally was able to lay it out for my doctor, and she agreed that it could resolve a lot of the vaginal and hormonal issues. She suggested condom use, which I am fine with because we are not in a situation in which we want to get pregnant. When I told him we could use condoms during the fertile times, he FLIPPED out. It was back to all of the old things, I don't really want him, we might as well just give up sex altogether because he's never going to feel me again, etc, I mean a complete overreaction. Things calmed down after a bit and we tabled the issue.
That was almost a month ago, and I definitely have seen a lot of my health issues go away. We have had sex once or twice a week since I came off the pill and have used the pull out method, and he hasn't complained. However, he still becomes very hurt and defensive when I don't want him to touch me, even if it's for a legitimate reason (I mean I really don't want him tweaking my nipples while I'm eating pasta - he says things like "I'm sorry I annoy you" really sarcastically).
As another bit of background information, a coworker of his messaged me on facebook on new year's telling me she's in love with him. I confronted him about it, and he told me not to worry about it - he has been open with me about how he and other coworkers have been trying to help her from suicidal thoughts, and I have no reason to believe they are involved, but I know she wants to be involved, and based on all of these other issues, it is a cause for alarm for me.
Back to sex - He has always been very sexual, and I know he looks at porn and masturbates. He also has bisexual tendencies (something he was always open and honest with me about - never romantic, always only sexual). My gut tells me he's masturbating a lot, and this morning I brought his phone upstairs for him, and when I unplugged it, I saw a KIK message from a guy saying "Oh do you?" I teach high school, so I know what KIK is, and this is the tipping point for me.
Here is my concern: I REALLY want to talk to him about all of this - about the condoms, about the coworker, about how he feels now about our sex life, about the KIK thing, about how he may be addicted to masturbating and perhaps online sexual infidelity - but I am SO worried he is going to shut down. I want him to know that I am not accusing him of anything; that I love him, trust him, and want to work through all of these issues with him together. I feel like I've made him out to be awful, but aside from all of this he really is the most wonderful husband in so many ways (caring, loving, supportive, attentive, etc). I'm afraid that even if I say that I am not accusing him, he will still think so and it will push him away from me. I can't keep holding all of this in, because I have my own anxiety issues and I'm having trouble focusing at work and on other things.
I just really, really want transparency. I want us to give one another privacy, but I don't want to keep feeling like he's hiding things from me. I want him to understand that we have to help one another with understanding and loving one another.
I'm hoping you guys can offer some insight on how I may approach this with him. I'm afraid of keeping it inside and letting it fester.
Thank you all so much, again.