Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-14-2011, 08:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

I've read the books and understand that improvements can be made. But, let's be honest, will you ever get the crazy, playful, kinky (kinky not underground hardcore, big difference IMO) sex life you want if your spouse isn't kinky? Mine seemed to be kinky until we got married, and then she said she never really liked it, she just did it for me. I guess she doesn't feel the need anymore since she has me.

However, my exes stayed crazy and kinky for many years, but like I said, they were crazy and things didn't last. So, are slight improvements in libido all you can hope for?

I would like to hear stories of similar situations.

Last edited by husband1987; 12-15-2011 at 06:26 PM.
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

bait and switch.

if it was me and I didn't have children I would walk.

this will haunt you your entire marriage.
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

I have never understood why women do that to the men they say they love and would do anything for.

What really makes me shake my head is when I have heard friends break up with a long term girlfriend because she quits doing things she did or teased she would do in the relationship. Only to get a new boyfriend and turn into a complete total freak. I had a girlfriend like that before I got married. She always teased and teased, then found out she gave some random guy a BJ on a girls camping trip and when I confronted her about it she blamed me for it. WTF?
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

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Originally Posted by husband1987 View Post
I've read the books and understand that improvements can be made. But, let's be honest, will you ever get the crazy, kinky sex life you want if your spouse isn't kinky?
It is possible, yes. But you have to change the marriage, which means changing the people in the marriage.

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Mine seemed to be kinky until we got married, and then she said she never really liked it, she just did it for me. I guess she doesn't feel the need anymore since she has me.
There seem to be three possibilities in your case. First, she is a ruthless, calculating b!tch who only values you for the ways in which you can serve her. Second, she is attracted to you, but has some deep-seeded hangups about sex. Third, she was attracted to you early in your relationship, but has steadily become less attracted to the point of hating the thought of sex with you, and now she is simply rationalizing her repulsion by insisting that it was always that way.

In case number one, you end the gravy train. Stand up for yourself and tell her she can either start pulling her weight or start looking for the next chump.

In case number two, she needs counseling. I think two is probably the least likely scenario because she was sexually available early in your relationship, when she trusted you less.

In case number three, you try to recapture what you had early on. You stop acting like a married man and start acting like you used to. And you lead her back to the point of acting like she used to.

If you have a healthy sexual relationship, then her trust and comfort in you will grow over the years. This means that she will be more willing to try things in the future that she currently puts in the "never" category right now.

However, if your relationship stays unhealthy, the sex will slow to a trickle and eventually dry up completely because she will see it as unnecessary.
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Old 12-14-2011, 10:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

Bait and switch indeed.

Try upping your game. Treat her like you're trying to hook up with her for the night. Instead of being married, act like you're single and she's your target. Keep her off balance a bit, and be the way you want to be in bed. Talk a little dirty to her.

She probably views herself differently now that she is married. Kinky sex was for teenagers and single women. Now that she got her man, she sees herself as the calm respectable married lady.

If she is religious go take a look at themarriagebed dot com. They promote active healthy sex in a marriage. They kill the notion that somehow it is more Christian to shun wild sex.
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Old 12-14-2011, 10:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

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I have never understood why women do that to the men they say they love and would do anything for.

What really makes me shake my head is when I have heard friends break up with a long term girlfriend because she quits doing things she did or teased she would do in the relationship. Only to get a new boyfriend and turn into a complete total freak. I had a girlfriend like that before I got married. She always teased and teased, then found out she gave some random guy a BJ on a girls camping trip and when I confronted her about it she blamed me for it. WTF?
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Old 12-14-2011, 11:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

This is one of the reasons my marriage did not work. We were together for a total of 8 yrs, married for 3.5. I'm 38, she's 37. Sex was great when we were dating, oral, anal...you name it. She got extremely excited when I fingered her vagina and even commented how much she loved being touched.

Fast forward a year before marriage, we were fooling around one day in her dad's house and I started touching her. She got extremely tense and grabbed my hand and told me to stop. It was all downhill form there, form that day I could not touch her vagina with my hands. We still had oral and anal started to hurt her.

She started blaming me that I was forcing and abusing her when I wanted to use my hands on her genitals. We barely had oral sex and anal was out of the question. She felt uncomfortable if I wanted to go down on her.

A couple months before the wedding, she tells me she had repressed memories about being molested by a friend of her father while being in a car with her whole familiy. He touched her genitals and threatened her in silence. She was 6 years old. She said she understood if I called of the wedding (I should have). I told her that she could go to therapy and we should continue with our plans and get married.

The therapist only convinced her that there was nothing she can do and that I should respect the no touching genital rules. We got married and I could only touch her genitals with my penis. She has always been multi-orgasmic and had 3 - 5 orgasms in a typical session. Sometimes when she was extremely aroused I rubbed her clit with my fingers and she would come harder, but this was infrequent. Using my hands on her genitals was out of the question during foreplay.

I never got over how she initially blamed me for abusing her, instead of telling me straight up about the abuse. We always got into a fight when the issue of her abuse was brought up.

Sex started deteriorating further and she held back from having multiple orgasms, when I questioned her about this, she said she liked waiting for me so we could have a simultaneous orgasm (we always had that even if she came many times). She also started rushing me to finish and catch up with her instead of letting herself go and have more than one. We still had anal but just to please me, she made me feel guilty afterwards. Sex was down from 3 - 4 times a week to once a week.

When she stopped birth control to have kids, she seemed more interested in sex, but the no touching rule was still enforced. There was no more oral or anal. I felt unsatisfied and frankly used just for my genes. This led to the demise of the marriage. She was obsessed about having kids.

For the last month, every day I thought of how to break the news to her that we should no longer be together and that she should not get pregnant. I even took steps to prevent her from getting pregnant without her knowing.

Before I could say anything, one day she kicked me out. She said she didn't love me anymore and that I had a secret vasectomy. This was 6 weeks ago. She filed for divorce and is now seeing another guy.

She confessed she was preparing for this for 6 months, she beat me to it.
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

There's no guarantee about anything in life. There's no guarantee that someone who is 'kinky' (whatever that means to you) will stay that way for life. There's no guarantee that someone who is not 'kinky' will stay that way for life.

We all have within us the potential for growth and development and experimentation, if we allow it. A lot of people don't allow it - apparently your wife did at one time. You have to figure out what changed and why she doesn't want to allow it now.

Sexual Relationships Always Consist of 'Leftovers' | Psychology Today
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

I don't understand why woman stop doing everything sexual once they get married.. It is like false advertising. It is just messed up.. I am not one of those woman.

As far as the kinky goes, I am the one who brings new ideas to the bedroom, not my husband... It would be nice for him to once in a while, but i am guessing that will never happen. (been married 14 years)

If you want a kinky sex life and your partner isn't willing then i Would have to say no, sex will never be what I want it to be..
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

Hamatai,

There are some parallels in your story to mine.

I tend to be very pragmatist about this subject now. . .what are the boundaries and moral/legal/religious obligations?

That's it.

There are literally 1000 reasons why with women and men. I stopped coming here listening to the pop psychology. A whole industry has sprung up since 1960 trying to get to the root of the problem (psychology) and I say go ahead and entertain and indulge that industry for awhile, to a certain point. I think there's some obligation to try to figure it out.

After awhile though, cut your losses. I lived somewhere upwards 8 to 10 years in a sexless marriage.

Way too long. I felt like I was proving I loved her (and I did). That was stupid and unhealthy.

"Oh mother.
Tell your children.
Not to dooooo, the things I have done.

Spend Your Life
In Sincere Misery
In the House
Of the Rising Sun."

Don't make my mistake.
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Old 12-14-2011, 06:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

Scannergard,

I would like to know the similarities between our stories. Now that my marriage is over I find that the issue of her sexual abuse hurt me more than I am willing to admit.

If it was not for past sexual experiences with women, this would have shattered my self confidence.

I now find hard to believe that she had repressed memories of the abuse. My marriage was not a sexless marriage but was steadily declining.

There was a stage in our relationship where I questioned her why she sexually started to give me less and less. Recently the interest of having kids made her more active, but she was just looking for my seed.

I still love her dearly but feel I was just baited with great kinky sex at first and just the means for her to get married and have kids.

I don't know about obligations, just about giving oneself completely to your spouse. Boundaries are important as a form of respect. But doing kinky stuff just to get your way and taking it away is plain wrong.
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Old 12-14-2011, 06:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

PHT Lump has a good pint with solution No,3

husband 1987, you sound exactly like me.

When our sex life was good i was 22/23 and we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I played football and went out a lot to clubs/bars with her and played up (got drunk a bit).

Now we are 28 and married with a daughter (2 1/2) I am a married man and dont go out as much due to being a dad most of all. Our sex is gone. So i have started (only the last 2 to 3 weeks) to act like i did when i was 22.23 even that i believe i am a much better person now and treate her better now.

Im going to go out more and act a bit more younger, than a typical husband/father. go out for drinks with freinds and other girls....see what happens then. trying counselling, has helped a little but not sexually. dont think ill cope with another sexless year next year.

good luck mate.
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Old 12-14-2011, 06:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

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PHT Lump has a good pint with solution No,3

husband 1987, you sound exactly like me.

When our sex life was good i was 22/23 and we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I played football and went out a lot to clubs/bars with her and played up (got drunk a bit).

Now we are 28 and married with a daughter (2 1/2) I am a married man and dont go out as much due to being a dad most of all. Our sex is gone. So i have started (only the last 2 to 3 weeks) to act like i did when i was 22.23 even that i believe i am a much better person now and treate her better now.

Im going to go out more and act a bit more younger, than a typical husband/father. go out for drinks with freinds and other girls....see what happens then. trying counselling, has helped a little but not sexually. dont think ill cope with another sexless year next year.

good luck mate.
I understand the attraction of having some fun. It seems to early in your twenties to be caught up in this.
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Old 12-14-2011, 08:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

I feel a little bit bad for the guys on here saying their wife flicked the switch turning off the sex life after the wedding. I've been married just over a year and things are only getting better in that department (apart from the drop in frequency now that we're expecting).

Have you sat her down and let her know what you're feeling? Or just leave your post on here up on the computer screen next time you go out ;-)
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Old 12-14-2011, 08:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Let's be honest...will sex ever be what you want without a kinky spouse

Talking to her right now is like talking to an imaginary friend. I have expressed to her that the sex is only a small part of it, the intimacy is gone.

When she had it, the sex that followed was good, never kinky, but good. Now it is what ever, no real touching, just get it over with.
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