Sex is a biological state of being. It's a physical connectivity. It's a chemical impulse. Psychologically, it's a need and want at the same time.
Humans, by nature, need and want sex. None of us had to experience an orgasm in order to want and need sex for the first time. The drive was automatic, a part of being human.
It is healthy for humans to want and need sex, and this will happen on its own (again, naturally) when there isn't anything blocking along physical, chemical, or psychological dimensions. Examples would be pain during sex, a chemical imbalance that lowers libido, the emotional scars of previous sexual abuse, etc.
I expect sex often in my marriage, and I believe it is desired for the right reasons, such as the psychological benefits it provides of feeling accepted by one's spouse, e.g. he or she wants me, values my needs, etc. I would argue that these are absolute needs, and one's spouse should do their best to fulfill such needs. I don't believe wanting sex for self gratification is necessarily abnormal either. If someone really loves you, and I stress "really", your needs will matter to them and most times, when you're in the mood, they'll be in the mood.
I can understand the question of "are we thinking about sex in the right way" being tied to target frequencies (e.g. sex should happen 4-5 times/week). The whole notion of a target seems preconceived and unnatural, but at the same time, this is convenient given our busy lives in a modern society. To me, a target represents an ideal level of sex that satisfies periodic wants and needs, that's all.
Porn, cheating, and divorce and frequent themes in relationships were one partner's sexual needs are being dismissed. However, it seems like the OP is dealing with an addict here, and that addiction is blocking a healthy sex life.
By the way, is this scenario the basis for the initial questions? Was somewhat surprised to happen upon this. You two might consider sex therapy, and open discussions about his *skewed* expectations.