Sex and dating - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
....I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

.....he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

....Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?....
I want you to read the above, but from the perspective of a man. Then think about what you communicated above. If your date or any future date ever gets a hint of what you said (and your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. probably will convey the message) they won't want to date you.

First, each and every human being responds to foreplay and sexual stimulation differently. Your saying you aren't going to bother to teach him is basically saying. Hey I am available for an adult version of 20-questions, but you had better guess right on all of the questions or I am kicking you out of the bed.

Seriously, some women prefer being held, some having their feet rubbed, some having their neck and shoulders rubbed, prior to more intimate touching. Some women love to have their breasts and nipple stimulated and others don't. There is no "one size fits all" foreplay routine. You really do have to do a bit of instruction on your preferences.

Second, sex should be fun and playful. That means that sometimes the sex will be great and sometimes it will be a disaster that you both laugh about. I feel sorry for the poor folks to whom each sex act is huge deal. That sets up performance anxiety for both you and your lover. That sure will dampen things down a bit.

Third, your first sexual experience with him "...was just terrible...." I'll bet when he left he knew how you felt. Do you remember when you lost your virginity? Was it a great "the earth moved and I was in bliss moment?" For most of us it was so, so at best. The reason is that sex like anything requires a degree of practice and familiarity with your partner. You wouldn't expect to play great doubles tennis with someone you had just met and got on the court together for the first time would you?

Finally, I will agree with one of the others who commented before me. You are not ready for a serious relationship yet so don't try to impose those standards on the people you are dating. You need some time to heal, clear you soul, and become less needy and demanding. Until then, if you must satisfy your needs, go look for a stud who f-you, not someone who "...seemed like an(d) overall great man...."

But if you do that, watch out for those bonding hormones as they do quickly create the illusion of love.
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post #17 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?


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Are you looking for a relationship or a project?

I don't want to sound too harsh but are you trying to find someone you want to be with or trying to find someone that you hope you can change into someone you want to be with? Who are you to say what direction he needs to go to be a better person anyway?

You've had 2 dates and it's not what you wanted so move on. Find someone that is the person that complements you and gives you what you need from the relationship without having to change who they are.

If you think he could be someone that you want a relationship with then clearly he isn't at the moment.
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post #18 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?



Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.
Wow, there were that many things you didn't like about this guy and you slept with him anyway?? And you're thinking about doing it again?? There's no need to say anything else.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #19 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
sometimes it will be a disaster that you both laugh about.
OMG, THAT is like my specialty!

You would think it is common sense not to get honey all over the bed. I was sticking to all the sheets, pillows and covers like velcro!
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post #20 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Meh... you can go out with him one or two more times to see if things improve, but they likely won't.



Why did you have sex with him if he was giving you the bad vibes? I'm HD, too, but I only sleep with someone if we're really clicking. HD =/= promiscuous. Not saying you're promiscuous. Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.


I was getting mixed vibes. Was contemplating if it was just nerves or not...decided to see.

I do not get bonding chemicals after sex....no bonding with a loser again.


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post #21 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
Maybe you should coompare him to someone else, so you can get a better idea.


I already have compared him against my ex's that were amazing guys but nOt good in bed and we just did better as friends and my ex's that were amazing in bed but could not communicate. He did not come even close.


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post #22 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Wow, there were that many things you didn't like about this guy and you slept with him anyway?? And you're thinking about doing it again?? There's no need to say anything else.


I said give him another chance actually, that does not necessarily mean sleeping him again, I was more thinking seeing him again to see if he just was nervous.

I can guide him in the bedroom, I cannot teach him how to communicate better or not act jealous.


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post #23 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

I haven't dated since the early 80's so I'm not sure my advice would be very useful. If my Members Only jacket hadn't been stolen at the height of its popularity I'd probably still have it in my closet.

But I do think if I did date, I'd probably not be in top form on my first outing. I'm definitely eager to please in bed but I'd only be guessing what works for you. So I guess it depends what you mean by a disaster. Was he selfish? That's a huge red flag. Was he too timid? That might be correctable with some positive directions and a few signals (like grabbing him by the ears, pulling him on top, or you jumping on top - none of these are subtle so any HD guy should be able to respond).

But if it sucked and he wasn't that attractive, move on unless he has some other very attractive features that interest you.


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post #24 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

Oh and BTW someone here said they had hundreds of quick dates via OLD until they found someone suitable.


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post #25 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

How old are you, OP? Some of your remarks make me question your maturity.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #26 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
How old are you, OP? Some of your remarks make me question your maturity.


Which remarks are those? Please provide specific quotes so that I can directly address them and then I shall reveal my age...


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post #27 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
I can guide him in the bedroom, I cannot teach him how to communicate better or not act jealous.
That's too bad. When it comes to mature sexual dynamics in the bedroom, eliminating jealousy is probably the equivalent to cooking without any salt. You just end up with something really bland/healthy that will help reduce your appetite.

What's that badsanta?

Yes, that is right! I'm all the time bragging to my wife at how awesome sex is when I'm alone by myself, and that there is no way she can ever compete with my own fantasy that I have of her in my mind. She usually gets jealous, proves me horribly wrong, and makes me take back everything I just said earlier!



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post #28 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

My advise, dont have sex with anyone until you know them really well and its about love as well as lust. Sex without love is empty and pointless and will never benefit you in the long term. It will just mess you up more and more the more people you sleep with.
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post #29 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
Which remarks are those? Please provide specific quotes so that I can directly address them and then I shall reveal my age...


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Maybe "remarks" was the wrong choice of words on my part. It is more of an impression, and I may be off.

You slept with someone you weren't really attracted to, who was likely not completely honest in communication of his appearance, who acted insecure, and the chemistry was not really there.

The whole sequence just seems...To lack maturity.

I am not trying to be insulting and am sorry if it comes off that way, but that is my impression.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #30 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:57 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
Which remarks are those? Please provide specific quotes so that I can directly address them and then I shall reveal my age...

Badsanta geting out his graphic calculator and fact checking...




Quote:
Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
I get drunk. My friends get drunk, almost everyone gets drunk.

In my almost 40 years of life and 24 of them spending many nights intoxicated, not ONCE has a male "friend" put me into his bed so I can "sleep it off".

They have all (tried to) f*ck me...
OK, hmmmm "almost 40!" Let's say 38, now subtract 24 and you have been drinking and getting into bed with men since you were 14? OK... now if you have been drunk for 24 years, none of those count and alcohol kills your brain cells, so... give me a minute here...

OMG this CAN'T be right! My graphic calculator just plotted this:



Will somebody check my math please?

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