Sex and dating - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Badsanta geting out his graphic calculator and fact checking...













OK, hmmmm "almost 40!" Let's say 38, now subtract 24 and you have been drinking and getting into bed with men since you were 14? OK... now if you have been drunk for 24 years, none of those count and alcohol kills your brain cells, so... give me a minute here...



OMG this CAN'T be right! My graphic calculator just plotted this:







Will somebody check my math please?



Badsanta


Lol. 39. I said many of them have been spent drinking....when I was younger and single we went out 2-3 nights a week (11 years). Now that I am older we have a girls night once a week (7 years) When I was married it was once every 6 months (6 years).

So let me do the math out of the 8,760 days in since I was 16, I have spent about 1600 of them.

Never said I started having sex at 14.

Bad Santa twisting my words!


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post #32 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Maybe "remarks" was the wrong choice of words on my part. It is more of an impression, and I may be off.

You slept with someone you weren't really attracted to, who was likely not completely honest in communication of his appearance, who acted insecure, and the chemistry was not really there.

The whole sequence just seems...To lack maturity.

I am not trying to be insulting and am sorry if it comes off that way, but that is my impression.


I would not call it lack of maturity at all.
We all grow up in different cultures and backgrounds with different values and beliefs.




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post #33 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

Btw asking about prior relationships and "tallying" the score isn't necessarily jealousy. Personally I think it's essential to try to get an idea of what the other person is like in a relationship.

Some people have 1 partner over 20 years and others have 20. It's not good or bad either way, but I'd want to know about your past and would share mine.

Connecting with someone else requires understanding their life experiences and perspectives.

Jealousy is a completely different thing. I might find it concerning if you had 20 partners in 20 years, but wouldn't be jealous. There are many reasons for having several prior relationships as we get older. Some good, some bad. Sometimes people stay in a single relationship way too long and shouldn't have. Again - it has more to do with understanding a persons life and relationship experience.

There have been threads here where people have very strong opinions about whether it's ok to ask about someone's past or not ask. I'm not trying to restart that debate.


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post #34 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:10 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Btw asking about prior relationships and "tallying" the score isn't necessarily jealousy. Personally I think it's essential to try to get an idea of what the other person is like in a relationship.

Some people have 1 partner over 20 years and others have 20. It's not good or bad either way, but I'd want to know about your past and would share mine.

Connecting with someone else requires understanding their life experiences and perspectives.

Jealousy is a completely different thing. I might find it concerning if you had 20 partners in 20 years, but wouldn't be jealous. There are many reasons for having several prior relationships as we get older. Some good, some bad. Sometimes people stay in a single relationship way too long and shouldn't have. Again - it has more to do with understanding a persons life and relationship experience.

There have been threads here where people have very strong opinions about whether it's ok to ask about someone's past or not ask. I'm not trying to restart that debate.


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I wouldnt marry a man unless he would be open with me about his past. I dont believe in keeping secrets in marriage and I believe in complete honesty.
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post #35 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:05 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?
I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will that turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?

Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?
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post #36 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 07:24 AM Thread Starter
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Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will that turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?

Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?


Who said my first priority is sex? I am saying finding someone sexually compatible is important to me.

You may think of it as "living by my genitals", I find it finding someone I am sexually compatible with so that I do not have to lay there at night unsatisfied and disconnected.

Intimacy is a MASSIVE part of any relationship, and being criticized because I hold it as one of my priorities is ignorant.

You will also note that my other requirements were communication and not being jealous.

Communication is MASSIVE part of any relationship. If I am not able to talk to a partner about things....what is the point in being in a relationship with them?

Not being with someone jealous either. Rather be able to trust someone and have them trust me and not live in a state of having to defend myself because some guy checks me out at the grocery store and my man notices it.

If you do not hold these three parts of a Relationship as important, then please do not provide insulting and attacking input that is not productive.


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Last edited by xMadame; 01-26-2017 at 08:18 AM.
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post #37 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will that turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?

Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?
Judge much?

Sexual compatibility is a huge component of a successful romantic relationship. In fact, sex is pretty much the only difference between a romantic relationship and a close platonic friendship. Incompatibility in this respect can make an HD person MISERABLE in a relationship, and for those of us who have been there before, there's no way in hell that we're doing THAT again.

I think the OP sees this compatibility as one of the "requirements" that a potential mate must meet to be considered LTR material. How do you know if someone is or is not compatible in this way? You need to do a test drive. And better that you do the test drive before getting attached. I would do the same. Better to sleep with a couple frogs, rather than getting attached to and stuck with a "prince" who turns out to be a dud in bed.

Please stop slvt shaming the OP. Try a little empathy instead.

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post #38 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?


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You can't fix him. He has to implement change himself and unless you are struck dumb with love, happened to me over 25 years ago, then putting so much effort into it doesn't seem worth it.

The first sex I had with Mrs. Conan was terrible, both our fault, buy I knew she was the one when I first saw her.

She had a lot of baggage, two divorces and a kid but I was gone when I first saw her.

She has improved so much she isn't recognizable, the sex is off the charts and I planted my own baby in her 4 years after our first date.

It was a hell of a lot of work but well worth it.

If you aren't gagga for this man, don't waste your time.
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post #39 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

P.S.

I'm sure you know how mental/emotional sexual attraction and fulfillment are.

You should have a clue if a guy does it for you way before you hit the bedroom.

The energy, the heat, you will have a very hard time getting thoughts of him out of your head after meeting him, in person of course.

Someone like that is going to be a very good bet to take a chance with.

You shouldn't have to settle for less so don't.
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post #40 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Dating is about discovering compatibility. Personally I'm not very comfortable discussing previous relationships and I would not expect someone I was dating to do so either. I don't think there is anything *wrong* with it, but it is a potential minor incompatibility.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Btw asking about prior relationships and "tallying" the score isn't necessarily jealousy. Personally I think it's essential to try to get an idea of what the other person is like in a relationship.

Some people have 1 partner over 20 years and others have 20. It's not good or bad either way, but I'd want to know about your past and would share mine.

Connecting with someone else requires understanding their life experiences and perspectives.

Jealousy is a completely different thing. I might find it concerning if you had 20 partners in 20 years, but wouldn't be jealous. There are many reasons for having several prior relationships as we get older. Some good, some bad. Sometimes people stay in a single relationship way too long and shouldn't have. Again - it has more to do with understanding a persons life and relationship experience.

There have been threads here where people have very strong opinions about whether it's ok to ask about someone's past or not ask. I'm not trying to restart that debate.


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post #41 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

I don't see her first or only priority as sex, but it is something that is important to her. That seems fine to me - sex is important to a lot of people.

If I were dating again, I would also view sex as important and be interested in it fairly early. Badly mismatched sexual interest are extremely difficult to fix, so why not learn about them early?

Its romantic to think about falling in love with someone before you have sex, but what do you do if you are in love and the sex turns out to be completely incompatible. If one person like handcuffs, leather outfits and role play, and the other thinks anything other thinks anything other than missionary is perverted, the couple is never going to be happy together. So, now that you are in love, what is the plan? Abandon the person you love because they refuse to ever do oral? Live the rest of your live with awful sex?




Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will that turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?

Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?
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post #42 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

xMadame - I'm really saddened to see people attacking you. I see nothing wrong with your behavior. Sure, with the information you have now you might have acted differently, but that is completely unfair. With the information I have now, I would have invested in Apple in 1985....
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post #43 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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xMadame - I'm really saddened to see people attacking you. I see nothing wrong with your behavior. Sure, with the information you have now you might have acted differently, but that is completely unfair. With the information I have now, I would have invested in Apple in 1985....
@xMadame I think you may be looking in the wrong place for help. This area of the forum is devoted to "sex in marriage" and it is a place where most people discuss ongoing issues in long term relationships that have spanned a few years or even a few decades.

Meanwhile you have a new boyfriend and have perhaps had sex once or twice with him and need advice on how to go about deciding if you are going in the right direction.

I'm sorry, but I have not dated a new person in well over twenty years, but my wife and I do have "date nights" here and there. I doubt very seriously if many people on this forum even remember what dating was like. So in that sense, people here will not be able to relate very well with you.

If you wish to start another thread a revisit what happened in your marriage (seems like you mentioned that), you may get some feedback that will help you make sense of the past so that you can learn from that as you move forwards.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #44 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Dating is about discovering compatibility. Personally I'm not very comfortable discussing previous relationships and I would not expect someone I was dating to do so either. I don't think there is anything *wrong* with it, but it is a potential minor incompatibility.
I can see how you might not find it necessary, but as a woman, I want to know at least a little bit. The way a man talks about his exes and his part relationships can be very revealing about HIS character. I wish I had known that when I met my XH. Looking back, what he told me and the way he told me about his exes should have thrown up a lot of red flags--I was too naive to know that at the time, sadly.

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post #45 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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@xMadame I think you may be looking in the wrong place for help. This area of the forum is devoted to "sex in marriage" and it is a place where most people discuss ongoing issues in long term relationships that have spanned a few years or even a few decades.

Meanwhile you have a new boyfriend and have perhaps had sex once or twice with him and need advice on how to go about deciding if you are going in the right direction.

I'm sorry, but I have not dated a new person in well over twenty years, but my wife and I do have "date nights" here and there. I doubt very seriously if many people on this forum even remember what dating was like. So in that sense, people here will not be able to relate very well with you.

If you wish to start another thread a revisit what happened in your marriage (seems like you mentioned that), you may get some feedback that will help you make sense of the past so that you can learn from that as you move forwards.

Regards,
Badsanta
Yes. @xMadame you may get a better response in the "Life After Divorce" section for this type of query. There are lots of people over there who are getting back into dating after being in LTRs or marriages that recently ended, and will definitely relate to your day-to-day experience. Come over to the "Life After Divorce" section. We have cookies.

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