Sex and dating - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I can see how you might not find it necessary, but as a woman, I want to know at least a little bit. The way a man talks about his exes and his part relationships can be very revealing about HIS character. I wish I had known that when I met my XH. Looking back, what he told me and the way he told me about his exes should have thrown up a lot of red flags--I was too naive to know that at the time, sadly.
I think the question (or even the issue some encounter) is how much information is appropriate? That of course will vary with each person. Also, any information you get will naturally be one sided, so how much stock can you really put into it. I would definitely lead more towards the minimal side then having someone overshare information about their ex(s).

If her ex was known to stalk wherever she went while carrying a rifle, I would like to know that
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post #47 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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I think the question (or even the issue some encounter) is how much information is appropriate? That of course will vary with each person. Also, any information you get will naturally be one sided, so how much stock can you really put into it. I would definitely lead more towards the minimal side then having someone overshare information about their ex(s).
Oh, absolutely. It doesn't have to be a lot of information. Honestly, the most important question to ask about an ex (with whom the guy might have been serious) is: why did you break up? For me, that's pretty much the only thing I want to know. I don't what to know how they met, what the sex was like, etc, etc. I just want to know why they broke up.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #48 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Oh, absolutely. It doesn't have to be a lot of information. Honestly, the most important question to ask about an ex (with whom the guy might have been serious) is: why did you break up? For me, that's pretty much the only thing I want to know. I don't what to know how they met, what the sex was like, etc, etc. I just want to know why they broke up.
A good relationship does need a little information about the past to work but it should be mostly to determine who the person is now and what building a future with them looks like.

I understand the need to know stuff but living in the past will make sure you aren't going to build a future.

I don't understand why people just don't blaze some hot new trails with someone they have found to be awesome instead of navel gazing and reflecting on what was but not what is.
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post #49 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?


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It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed.

Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever.

It is possible.

Just giving you another view point.
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post #50 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

Attitude is everything in the bedroom. I admit that I am high libido, and always have been. My wife for many years was not as high as myself, HOWEVER...after menopause, without hormone replacement, her level jumped significantly. We have always been considerate of one another's needs in the bedroom, now it has become marathon sessions, every other day, (we're in our 60's) and spending time looking toward the heavens and remarking, "God has the weirdest sense of humor", giving us the sex life of teenagers while in our "golden" years. To keep up with one another requires some time in the gym and eating really well (when I am not eating her)
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post #51 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

OP, you already found out that he misses on two of your three important points. He seems jealous and he's not a good communicator. Even if he'd been a dynamo in the sack, he still wouldn't have been what you wanted in the two other areas you've expressed as important to you. So, even if he's sexually "trainable", he still won't be what you want in those two other ways. Unless you know you're just in it for the shag (which is perfectly fine by the way, as long as you're honest with yourself and your partner about it) I see no need to sexually "test drive" a man you already know isn't what you want in other ways. Look for a partner, not a project. Once he's already failed in one or more significant areas of desire/compatibility, you really don't have to make sure he fails in all the others before it's okay to "next" him. An F in two out of three subjects is more than plenty to just move along and look for a better candidate.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 01-26-2017 at 02:04 PM.
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post #52 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
I want you to read the above, but from the perspective of a man. Then think about what you communicated above. If your date or any future date ever gets a hint of what you said (and your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. probably will convey the message) they won't want to date you.

First, each and every human being responds to foreplay and sexual stimulation differently. Your saying you aren't going to bother to teach him is basically saying. Hey I am available for an adult version of 20-questions, but you had better guess right on all of the questions or I am kicking you out of the bed.

..........

Third, your first sexual experience with him "...was just terrible...." I'll bet when he left he knew how you felt. Do you remember when you lost your virginity? Was it a great "the earth moved and I was in bliss moment?" For most of us it was so, so at best. The reason is that sex like anything requires a degree of practice and familiarity with your partner. You wouldn't expect to play great doubles tennis with someone you had just met and got on the court together for the first time would you?
As to the first bolded part....who cares? If he isn't already a good sexual match for her and she doesn't want to teach him, then they should both move on. That's the POINT of dating. The point is NOT to take someone who is not right for you and try to "be patient" until they suddenly, magically change into someone who is right for you.

Having been dating myself for about a year now, and being a highly sexual person, sexual compatibility is something I discuss and try to reach common ground on before we ever even get close to having sex. In my experience, men who are as sexual as I am LOVE those conversations and we are very open and healthy about it. Also in my experience, men who get weird about it are NOT going to be a good match for me. Again, who cares? Why would anyone waste time trying to make someone who is not a match into a match? As we all know around here....IT NEVER WORKS. And they aren't supposed to "guess" the right answers to the 20 questions...they are supposed to answer authentically so that I can kick them to the curb if we aren't a match or they can kick me to the curb, if they think we aren't a good match. That's the whole point! We are eliminating non-matches as quickly as possible so as not to waste time.

As to the second bolded part....f*ck yes I'd expect to play great tennis with someone I had just met, if I was a great tennis player myself and had identified that this person might be a match to me. Of the 3 lovers I've had in my life I had wonderful compatibility with, all 3 of them rocked my world the first time and all the other times, too. That's what a highly sexual person expects and is seeking. On the other hand...the only lovers I've had mediocre sex with the first time, it was mediocre EVERY time after that, too. (None of those lasted long).

I think a lot of men simply can't handle hearing about it when women talk about how some men SUCK IN BED. They get weird about it even on an anonymous forum. I'm sorry guys but some men really are horrible lovers and it is NOT worth trying to teach them. Obviously this is true about some women, too.

Even @UMP admits he was a horrible lover and he flat out IGNORED his wife's input for decades. He was able to turn it around after an epiphany. However, most men who suck in bed NEVER DO have that epiphany.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!

Last edited by Faithful Wife; 01-26-2017 at 02:09 PM.
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post #53 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by UMP View Post
It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed.

Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever.

It is possible.

Just giving you another view point.
Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?

There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #54 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?

There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.
While I am a very patient and accomplished teacher in the bedroom, no way in hell am I waiting a year much less 25!

No offense but I'm too damn horny that if Mrs. Conan and I didn't figure it out somewhat in the bedroom, after a couple of months I would have been threatening to punch hamsters!

I am a proponent of FW's "sexdar" idea. I just call it mutual heat or attraction but when Mrs. Conan first kissed me, it was like she was pouring every ounce of passion and desire she possessed into my mouth!

Within a week I was addicted to attacking her and had her making animal noises.

I do agree that everyone can, and should, work to improve their sexuality but the key is desire to do so.

Mrs. Conan had one restriction that I had no interest in anyway so communication definitely helped.

xMadame should not spend more time with this guy because not enough is there to work with.

She probably shouldn't have had sex with him when she wasn't feeling it in other areas but that area isn't really going well either.

I say move on.
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post #55 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will that turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?

Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?
I so agree with this. To me sex and love go hand in hand, if there is no love then sex for me is pointless and sordid. You learn together and as time goes by the sex gets better as you learn what gives the other pleasure.

I just cant imagine having sex with loads of men as a sort of 'test' as to who you judge to be good in bed. The sort of men who would sleep around are rarely interested in what you like, but what they want. The same for women who do this.
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post #56 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?

There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.
You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.
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post #57 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:55 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.
Different strokes for different folks. Men are not by definition "indecent" just because they want to get the sexual compatibility part done and dusted before they become emotionally attached.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #58 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:10 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.
Diana, I am not a proponent of promiscuity and while my values and life rules align with yours, I know that all of humanity is a mess and God doesn't see me (60 women before marriage) any dirtier than my friend (0 women before marriage) and He blessed us both.

The truth is that you do meet good mates in all kinds of situations regardless of going to church or beliefs.

I do believe xMadame made a bad choice with this man but she isn't part of our belief system and is not subject to our way of life.

I have never committed adultery and my wife has never cheated on me despite our less than stellar records but I have lost track of the number of marriages destroyed by infidelity and/or sexual dysfunction within church organizations.

I'm not berating our belief system but just want to point out that we all have the same problems and weaknesses. I have learned not to be short with folks that aren't believers. It doesn't really make sense to try and impose our point of view on people that aren't even claiming brotherhood with us.

Sorry for thread jack.
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post #59 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:06 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

I will disagree. I've been married >25 years but I did date before that and that dating did include casual sex. There was a woman I dated where sex was sort of the first thing that happened - college trip, lots of us sharing a hotel room - she quietly climbed into my bed....

I don't think I'm a particularly bad person. I think sex is a great thing for two adults to enjoy. I'd prefer it to be with someone I love, but I see nothing wrong with casual sex.




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You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.
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post #60 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:21 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Actually I agree. I just meant that I'm not interested in details, I don't want to know everyone she has slept with or what she did with them. I would be interested in general information

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I can see how you might not find it necessary, but as a woman, I want to know at least a little bit. The way a man talks about his exes and his part relationships can be very revealing about HIS character. I wish I had known that when I met my XH. Looking back, what he told me and the way he told me about his exes should have thrown up a lot of red flags--I was too naive to know that at the time, sadly.
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