Sex and dating - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:23 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.
Decent men don't engage in casual sex?

Or only "very rarely"?

Ridiculous.

That aside...the OP wasn't looking to get a decent man through casual sex. She was beginning a dating relationship with him, and had sex with him, as is common in most dating relationships.

My posts above referred to her actual experience and my own, of beginning to date someone and then you have sex with them. This in no way implies "casual sex" to either party. They both knew they were interested in each other and wanted to see if there was potential for a relationship. This includes testing the sexual waters. If they did that and it was great, they would be dating more and more right now and hopefully having more great sex as they get to know each other in other ways too. Ie: DATING. But they had sex, and it wasn't great. So here we are discussing it. She wonders if she should bother to give it another go.

There has been nothing said that implies anyone is talking about casual sex.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #62 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:25 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
Different strokes for different folks. People are not by definition "indecent" just because they want to get the sexual compatibility part done and dusted before they become emotionally attached.
Fixed your post.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #63 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:12 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?
I figure meeting him and trying him out has told you all you need to know, that said if you do want to try again give it a go.

Although I doubt he'll get or be better, it's not the end of the world to give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially if you're still curious or still wanting to scratch that itch without anyone else being available.

So regardless of what you choose or have chosen, I hope you have plenty of fun enjoying the wonderful world of dating.
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post #64 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:13 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]Did sex happen on your very first date with him? I, for one, am totally opposed to "first date sex!"
Since sex on a first date can sometimes be terrific fun, I'm not opposed to it at all.
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post #65 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:15 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Wow, there were that many things you didn't like about this guy and you slept with him anyway?? And you're thinking about doing it again?? There's no need to say anything else.
Sometimes it's nice just to scratch that itch.
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post #66 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:16 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.
Probably for the same reason I would on a first date, perhaps she wanted to have some sex and was hoping it would be fun. Plus dating being the interview that it is, lest one waste too much time on someone who doesn't work, it can't hurt to check what's under the bonnet and have a test drive.

As to bonding, I don't know about you, but I've never bonded with people who suck sexually (figuratively rather than literally).
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post #67 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:17 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
My advise, dont have sex with anyone until you know them really well and its about love as well as lust. Sex without love is empty and pointless and will never benefit you in the long term. It will just mess you up more and more the more people you sleep with.
My advice is to have sex with whomever you like early on. Lest you waste time investing in a sexual relationship with them, when they not up to par sexually.

As to being messed up, if someone has experienced significant sexual trauma and or has been brought up to or otherwise come to believe all sorts of nonsense about sex. Yes they might get messed up.

On the other hand if someone has a healthy sexual outlook, doesn't buy prescriptive perspectives on sex and knows themselves. Chances are having consenting sex with any number of people just isn't a big deal at all.
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post #68 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:17 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Seriously, some women prefer being held, some having their feet rubbed, some having their neck and shoulders rubbed, prior to more intimate touching. Some women love to have their breasts and nipple stimulated and others don't. There is no "one size fits all" foreplay routine. You really do have to do a bit of instruction on your preferences.

Second, sex should be fun and playful. That means that sometimes the sex will be great and sometimes it will be a disaster that you both laugh about. I feel sorry for the poor folks to whom each sex act is huge deal. That sets up performance anxiety for both you and your lover. That sure will dampen things down a bit.

Third, your first sexual experience with him "...was just terrible...." I'll bet when he left he knew how you felt. Do you remember when you lost your virginity? Was it a great "the earth moved and I was in bliss moment?" For most of us it was so, so at best. The reason is that sex like anything requires a degree of practice and familiarity with your partner. You wouldn't expect to play great doubles tennis with someone you had just met and got on the court together for the first time would you?
Seriously some people are great musicians and can play a great tune together the first time they meet. Or can create great prose or paintings together when they first work together.

Just like some people first time around have no trouble sharing great sex together. Sure lots of women (and men) are different, and even those can like different things variably at different times even on the same day. Yet for some people both men and women, it's very easy to read them, feel them and respond to them while being into them all over when sharing sex.

Some men and some women really can easily play new partners like a violin.

The coolest thing is coming to find that you are not alone and realising that more than one partner is capable of sharing tremendous sex. So in the end you come to realise that you can find other/s who are sexually compatible instead of settling for a lesser partner, because chances are you will meet more compatible people, have sex with them and enjoy yourself doing it along the way.
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post #69 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:17 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I don't see her first or only priority as sex, but it is something that is important to her. That seems fine to me - sex is important to a lot of people.

If I were dating again, I would also view sex as important and be interested in it fairly early. Badly mismatched sexual interest are extremely difficult to fix, so why not learn about them early?

Its romantic to think about falling in love with someone before you have sex, but what do you do if you are in love and the sex turns out to be completely incompatible. If one person like handcuffs, leather outfits and role play, and the other thinks anything other thinks anything other than missionary is perverted, the couple is never going to be happy together. So, now that you are in love, what is the plan? Abandon the person you love because they refuse to ever do oral? Live the rest of your live with awful sex?
Yep.

For me it's always been easier to test for sexual compatibility at the beginning of a relationship. If the sex works, then it may go further if other things work as well. If the sex doesn't work, going any further is a pointless exercise in any sexual relationship.

If it works great, if it doesn't, oh well at least we know either way.

One of the standout things for me after having sex with a number of different women. Is that there is a significant difference between mutually experiencing great sex, versus mutually or differentially experiencing woeful, mediocre, okay, good, or great sex.

Like anything else that we humans do, some people are better at sex than others, some learn to get better, some never get better, while some others have a natural talent for it that they build upon with more experience.

As far as I see it, having sex on a first date and finding out it sux with that person. Is far better than having sex after a marriage and finding out it sux with that person.

That said I don't doubt that some people wait till marriage and win the sexual compatibility lottery.

The thing is what do you do with the dead albatross draped around your neck, when you get married and don't win that lottery?

Having experienced a kaleidoscope of sexual relationships before my current partner of almost 21 years. I've experienced both good and bad, so knowing better I won't settle for less.

On the other hand for those who haven't experienced the difference, how on earth do some of them know that they've got the stinking albatross?
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post #70 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:17 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by UMP View Post
It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed.

Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever.

It is possible.

Just giving you another view point.
Ouch...

I think it's terrific that you and your wife finally found a way to enjoy each other sexually after such an extraordinary amount of time.

That said, Many of us don't feel compelled to fritter away 25 years, on someone who might but probably won't get there in the end.
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post #71 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:18 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.
A better and more realistic way to put this would be to say.

You might or might not find a good decent man through engaging in a single instance or a limited amount of casual sex. While you will probably experience both "good" and "bad" men if you engage in even more casual sex.
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post #72 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 03:37 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Personal View Post
My advice is to have sex with whomever you like early on. Lest you waste time investing in a sexual relationship with them, when they not up to par sexually.

As to being messed up, if someone has experienced significant sexual trauma and or has been brought up to or otherwise come to believe all sorts of nonsense about sex. Yes they might get messed up.

On the other hand if someone has a healthy sexual outlook, doesn't buy prescriptive perspectives on sex and knows themselves. Chances are having consenting sex with any number of people just isn't a big deal at all.
I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.
If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely.
A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.She is worth more than that.
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post #73 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:54 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.
I do judge them because for me it matters and does make a difference between having meh sex versus wow.

I will also add it isn't an either or proposition, lots of people who "do great sex"and will have it at the beginning of a sexual relationship also have integrity, kindness, moral values and self control, such things really aren't mutually exclusive.

For people like my wife and I, we feel that investing our hearts in a sexual relationship with someone we discover we are loathe to have sex with, is wasting time barking up the wrong tree.

Hence why we prefer to test drive sexual partners early, when looking for sexual partners.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.
You can love somebody until the cows come home, yet that in itself can't make the sex any better if you and your partner don't work well sexually, or if one of you are inept at it.

At the end of the day anybody can draw, yet no matter how much they practice most people aren't going to draw as well as me. Some people appreciate stick figure drawing, while others don't like anything that is nothing but a work of art, or at the very least a snazzy illustration.

Likewise Some of us have higher sexual expectations and some of us have lesser ones. Neither are right or wrong, all that matters is what works for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely.
Which is what dating is all about, if you don't want to have sex in a short time and the other person does you are not compatible. Likewise for my wife and I, anyone who waits a long time for sex would put us off completely.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until or if they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.
Good for her, evidently they didn't want the same thing. That being the case it is a complete waste of time for either of them to press on to no end or worse a miserable end.

I've had sex with plenty of women, turned down a decent number of others as well and have been married twice.

My first wife saw me at a party and asked a friend to ask me to talk to her. Shortly after that she asked me to kiss her, after a few hours of talking and snogging she asked me to have sex with her, so we then had sex.

Between my first wife and my second (current) wife. I have been with various women of whom most of them asked me out on dates and or offered me sex. The norm for me was sex on the first or second date, with no particular pressure from me, it just tended to be a mutual we can't keep our hands and mouths off of each other which quickly led to sex. Or they'd simply say something like, "do you want to have sex?".

In my experience if a woman viscerally wants to have sex with you, it's a bit hard to miss. So pressure really isn't a thing, she either wants to or not and you either want to or not. Then if you are both on the same page get on with it. If you aren't on the same page then the following works, "it was fun, but I'm/we aren't feeling it, so we won't drag this out any further".

My second wife met me at work and despite seeing another guy was keen on me, so after about a week of talking at her instigation, she asked me out on a lunchtime date.

Which we then followed with an evening date on the same day, where we watched a movie together and had a feed. Then at her invitation went back to her place and snogged a lot, talked a lot more, then fell asleep in her bed without having sex.

She then dumped the other guy and after a few days, we went on another date, which ended in her asking me to have sex with her. So we ended up having sex on our third date.

Following on from that I have now happily been with my current wife for almost 21 years, while also having been married to her for almost 18 years, through having two children as well that are 16 (boy) and 13 (girl). Throughout our relationship we have enjoyed a terrific life together, inclusive of a smorgasbord of tremendous and ever frequent sex as well.

Throughout our time together we haven't experienced marital infidelity a sexless marriage or compatibility issues. Plus we've also been raising two academically accomplished, very fit and happy children. All while also contributing positively to society as well.

Yet heaven forbid we had sex early (and still think it's the best way) and don't need to be in love with someone to enjoy sex (that said liking the person does help).

The thing is where I come from, having sex early for many if not most people, has been the norm throughout my life as an adult. Plenty of us are fine with it, while some others aren't. As far as I'm concerned if it's adult and consenting, go for it "but you might smudge your lipstick".

If you want to wait, WAIT! If you don't want to wait, DON'T!

Last edited by Personal; 01-27-2017 at 05:04 AM.
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post #74 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:36 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
My advise, dont have sex with anyone until you know them really well and its about love as well as lust. Sex without love is empty and pointless and will never benefit you in the long term. It will just mess you up more and more the more people you sleep with.
^^This
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post #75 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:45 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

@xMadame

If you really liked this guy, thought he was just absolutely wonderful and were very attracted to him, I'd say give him a 2nd chance. You seem rather meh about him outside of sex, though, so it probably wouldn't be worth the bother.

I do think you were a little harsh on the jealousy issue, though. I prefer to know a potential serious partner's dating, relationship, and sexual history and preferences before getting too involved. To me, this speaks to compatibility and doesn't have anything to do with jealousy.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.

Last edited by MJJEAN; 01-27-2017 at 05:57 AM.
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