Sex and dating - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:08 AM
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Cool Re: Sex and dating

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I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.
If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely.
A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.She is worth more than that.
As I've intoned on here on many occasions, "A hard 'appendage' hath no conscience!"

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post #77 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:55 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Sometimes it's nice just to scratch that itch.
ohhhhkay

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #78 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?

There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.
I never said anyone should wait 25 years for anything.
What I said was if his attitude toward sex is good, he MIGHT have the capacity to be her best ever. Obviously, given her strong desire for sex, she will make that decision way before she ever thinks of getting married. Forget about 25 years, hell, she's only had one or two dates with the guy.

All I am saying is that maybe, just maybe she should give him a couple more chances.

When Steve Largent came to the Seattle Seahawks on his first tryout, the entire team laughed at him. The only reason they did not let him go was because one of the coaches knew him from his college days. They gave him another chance. Now he's in the football hall of fame.
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post #79 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

I think t here are people who have all those values, but who can be completely incompatible in bed.

By bad at sex, I'm not talking about technique (which can be learned) or physical attributes (which don't matter much), I'm talking about level of desire, inventiveness, kinkiness etc.

There is nothing wrong with wanting sex to always be romantic, candles, kisses, missionary while kissing.

The is also nothing wrong with wanting whips and chains, sex toys and role-play.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a long passionate lovemaking session once a week,

There is nothing wrong with thinking that every day should end with sex, and that getting quick oral to get off when you are horny is expected.

There are some of us here who really love our spouses, and have otherwise wonderful marriages, but who have been suffering with badly mismatched sexual interests.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.
If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely.
A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.She is worth more than that.
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post #80 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.
We have lots of examples at TAM and specifically in the SIM section of sexless marriages that started out with this type of thinking thinking. "Love will make everything perfect, I don't need to worry about anything going wrong".

Lo and behold, they get married and no, they don't know how to express love to each other and no, sex is not something they work on and improve as time goes by. They end up sexless, and then ask themselves why they didn't make sure there was sexual compatibility BEFORE they got married.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #81 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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All I am saying is that maybe, just maybe she should give him a couple more chances.
And if she decides to do that, that's her choice and would be fine.

But the more likely scenario is that it will not be any better and that even if he could be "trained", it would be miserable for her to even try.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #82 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.

Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.

I'd like to think I would feel the way she does, after decades with a woman I'm crazy about, but the truth is that I'd go into hunter mode if ever I were back in the market. In that mode, love isn't really a driver of initial contact.


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post #83 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.

Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.

I'd like to think I would feel the way she does, after decades with a woman I'm crazy about, but the truth is that I'd go into hunter mode if ever I were back in the market. In that mode, love isn't really a driver of initial contact.
I agree that Diana and lots of others don't prioritize sex as high as the OP does, or myself, or a few others on this thread.

But the OP's question was about HER OWN perspective. She was not asking about whether her perspective as a highly sexual person was ok with anyone else.

Diana is saying the OP's perspective is wrong and immoral. She is not just saying this is her own standards, she is saying the OP and others should have her standards, too.

As a highly sexual person, I'm well aware that some people do not prioritize sex as highly as I do and I respect that. That's why I want to weed out anyone like that from my dating life very early on. This in no way implies that I think those people are "wrong".

Yet Diana is straight up telling the OP and others with similar feelings that they are "wrong".

That's why she's getting push back.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #84 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Disagreement and push back are somewhat different.

I have no objection to Diana7 prioritizing things for herself any way she wants, but she shouldn't expect others to have the same priorities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.

Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.

I'd like to think I would feel the way she does, after decades with a woman I'm crazy about, but the truth is that I'd go into hunter mode if ever I were back in the market. In that mode, love isn't really a driver of initial contact.


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post #85 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Sex and dating

And I am the type of person that would be COMPLETELY miserable in a sexless marriage.

Some people live by the saying "why buy the cow when the milk is free".

I got by my own saying "why buy the cow when the milk is sour".

Being in a terrible marriage and my one ex being highly physically and emotionally abusive, I want a good man that communicates and that is loyal and trust worthy, however I will not take those things and miserable in the sex department.

I want a good mixture of all of that and now that I am single, know what I do not want and what I do want and I am going to make sure that he has all of those qualities before I invest my emotions in someone.

It hurts too much to be enthralled in love with someone and have an important basic desire missing.

No more crushed heart here!


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post #86 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.

Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.

I'd like to think I would feel the way she does, after decades with a woman I'm crazy about, but the truth is that I'd go into hunter mode if ever I were back in the market. In that mode, love isn't really a driver of initial contact.


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Thanks. The thing is that sex is important, for me as well, but to sleep with someone you hardly know and judge them on that alone seems skewed and cold.
For me what the man is like, his character, his integrity, is vital. What sort of partner he is, how he treats me, and yes, his moral values re sex, are so important to me. A man who has had many partners wouldnt interest me at all, no mater how 'good' he is in bed.
If you finds a really good guy, then you can work on the sex together.
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post #87 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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If you finds a really good guy, then you can work on the sex together.
Right.

Every guy who is a "good" guy, will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Works for women too, right? Every woman who is a "good" woman will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Cue Disney birds and fairies.

- - - - -

Quite a lot of men and women here in SIM would disagree with you. Being a "good person" and being "in love" in no way guarantee someone will "work on the sex together" with you, whether male or female.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #88 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Right.

Every guy who is a "good" guy, will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Works for women too, right? Every woman who is a "good" woman will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Cue Disney birds and fairies.

- - - - -

Quite a lot of men and women here in SIM would disagree with you. Being a "good person" and being "in love" in no way guarantee someone will "work on the sex together" with you, whether male or female.
Then you have to be very careful who you marry, and you must communicate well before marriage. Its worked for many couples I know, and for us. We have talked about sex and we think of what the other person wants.Its about expressing the love and commitment we have together. Its not about what WE want all the time.
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post #89 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Then you have to be very careful who you marry, and you must communicate well before marriage. Its worked for many couples I know, and for us. We have talked about sex and we think of what the other person wants.Its about expressing the love and commitment we have together. Its not about what WE want all the time.
I am very glad that this is the experience that you had. You should also know that you are very lucky that this is the experience you had. Many of us here were hoodwinked by (some now ex-)spouses regarding sex drive and (for lack of a better word) skill. Just because it worked out well for you doesn't mean your way works out well for everyone.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #90 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

Someone who hasn't been in a badly mismatched marriage may not realize how difficult it is to fix.

I was IN one for a long time before I realized how hopeless it was.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Right.

Every guy who is a "good" guy, will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Works for women too, right? Every woman who is a "good" woman will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Cue Disney birds and fairies.

- - - - -

Quite a lot of men and women here in SIM would disagree with you. Being a "good person" and being "in love" in no way guarantee someone will "work on the sex together" with you, whether male or female.
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