Sex and dating - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Then you have to be very careful who you marry, and you must communicate well before marriage. Its worked for many couples I know, and for us. We have talked about sex and we think of what the other person wants.Its about expressing the love and commitment we have together. Its not about what WE want all the time.
I am also happy for you. I do not know your story. Are you married? For how long? I'm nothing but happy for someone who is in love and having great sex with a committed partner, if that describes you, that's awesome.

From the experience of literally millions of other people, it doesn't usually go the way you described.

But when it does...that's wonderful.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #92 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

What you want is completely reasonable, I hope you find it and I think you will.

Having mediocre sex with a few guys is NOT too high a price to pay to find someone who will rock your world for the rest of your life.



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And I am the type of person that would be COMPLETELY miserable in a sexless marriage.

Some people live by the saying "why buy the cow when the milk is free".

I got by my own saying "why buy the cow when the milk is sour".

Being in a terrible marriage and my one ex being highly physically and emotionally abusive, I want a good man that communicates and that is loyal and trust worthy, however I will not take those things and miserable in the sex department.

I want a good mixture of all of that and now that I am single, know what I do not want and what I do want and I am going to make sure that he has all of those qualities before I invest my emotions in someone.

It hurts too much to be enthralled in love with someone and have an important basic desire missing.

No more crushed heart here!


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post #93 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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What you want is completely reasonable, I hope you find it and I think you will.

Having mediocre sex with a few guys is NOT too high a price to pay to find someone who will rock your world for the rest of your life.
I disagree, I think it IS too high a price to pay...but sometimes it simply ends up being that way.

I've got my system down pretty good to where I don't have mediocre sex with anyone anymore, ever. I did develop my system BECAUSE mediocre sex SUCKS SO MUCH, that I wanted to avoid it altogether. I'm pretty successful now.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #94 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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I disagree, I think it IS too high a price to pay...but sometimes it simply ends up being that way.

I've got my system down pretty good to where I don't have mediocre sex with anyone anymore, ever. I did develop my system BECAUSE mediocre sex SUCKS SO MUCH, that I wanted to avoid it altogether. I'm pretty successful now.
Speaking of systems...

I remember when I was in college and dating that I would masturbate excessively PRIOR to going out on a date. The side effect was that it made virtually all women appear rather unappealing and annoying to be around. When I tried this upon dating the girl that would eventually become my wife, she was still a blast to be around and I really enjoyed our friendship. Prior to her, ALL women failed this test.

...now while my system was probably not perfect by any means, it helped place an emphasis on the nonsexual aspects of the relationship to make sure it would hold up for the long haul. The impact this has in the bedroom is that after I get what I want sexually, there is still so much more there afterwards to keep enjoying the experience.

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post #95 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Speaking of systems...

I remember when I was in college and dating that I would masturbate excessively PRIOR to going out on a date. The side effect was that it made virtually all women appear rather unappealing and annoying to be around. When I tried this upon dating the girl that would eventually become my wife, she was still a blast to be around and I really enjoyed our friendship. Prior to her, ALL women failed this test.

...now while my system was probably not perfect by any means, it helped place an emphasis on the nonsexual aspects of the relationship to make sure it would hold up for the long haul. The impact this has in the bedroom is that after I get what I want sexually, there is still so much more there afterwards to keep enjoying the experience.

Badsanta
My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time

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post #96 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time
Exactly. I looked for someone highly compatible, intelligent, a keen conversationalist with many shared interests, and kind. The rest of the time we have so much sex!

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #97 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 06:41 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

Doesn't work for some of us. A smart woman would know better than to have sex with me.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #98 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:20 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

Smart and interesting is more important than sex. That's why I'm still married.



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My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time
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post #99 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 05:49 AM
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Cool Re: Sex and dating

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My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time
You are certainly most capable of screwing just about anybody ~ but let's just say that the same simply cannot be said for being able to carry on a meaningful, intelligent conversation with!

Unless, of course, that your preference is for fornicating with complete silence afterwards!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #100 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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I think t here are people who have all those values, but who can be completely incompatible in bed.

By bad at sex, I'm not talking about technique (which can be learned) or physical attributes (which don't matter much), I'm talking about level of desire, inventiveness, kinkiness etc.

There is nothing wrong with wanting sex to always be romantic, candles, kisses, missionary while kissing.

The is also nothing wrong with wanting whips and chains, sex toys and role-play.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a long passionate lovemaking session once a week,

There is nothing wrong with thinking that every day should end with sex, and that getting quick oral to get off when you are horny is expected.

There are some of us here who really love our spouses, and have otherwise wonderful marriages, but who have been suffering with badly mismatched sexual interests.
That's why you talk about it before you committ. That's why you spend lots of time communicating and getting to know each other. We both knew a lot about each others views and ideas on sex before we married, despite not having sex togather. We are not the 'missionary only' type people at all, we have a very varied sex life, neither are we the 'whips and chains' type people, we fall some where in the middle I guess, but you don't need to actually have sex to find out about it.

What everyone seems to also forget is that differing sex drives or desires don't ever have to be a problem, you don't have to 'feel' like having sex to have sex. If my husband wants sex and I don't, I will do it for him, and the same the other way round. Its about compromise and unselfishness. I made a promise to myself when we married 11 years ago that I would never reject him sexually, and I haven't. No two people will always be exactly the same about everything, we are all different.

What happens if you marry a man or woman who seems to have the same sort of sexual needs and desires as you, but later on has an accident or gets ill and cant have sex? What if you do? if that is all your relationship is based on then that marriage/relationship will fall apart. People also change. Some want more sex as they age and some less. You have to adapt and work together on these things and be flexible.

There are a few things that are a no no for me sexually, such as porn use, but that's why you spend lots of time discussing such things. If a man was a porn user and wasn't prepared to stop, then I would end that relationship and move on.I wouldn't need to have sex with him to know that, in fact you have more time to talk and get to know each other if you DONT have sex at the beginning. .

Last edited by Diana7; 01-28-2017 at 10:31 AM.
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post #101 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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We have lots of examples at TAM and specifically in the SIM section of sexless marriages that started out with this type of thinking thinking. "Love will make everything perfect, I don't need to worry about anything going wrong".

Lo and behold, they get married and no, they don't know how to express love to each other and no, sex is not something they work on and improve as time goes by. They end up sexless, and then ask themselves why they didn't make sure there was sexual compatibility BEFORE they got married.
That happens in many marriages where the people had sex early on as well. I read the other day that marriages where the people lived together/had sex before marriage, are more likely to end in divorce than those where they didn't do those things, so it clearly doesn't follow that having sex early will leads to a better marriage.
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post #102 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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I disagree, I think it IS too high a price to pay...
Damn! I don't know if the stars have aligned just right but lately, I absolutely love your posts!
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post #103 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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That happens in many marriages where the people had sex early on as well. I read the other day that marriages where the people lived together/had sex before marriage, are more likely to end in divorce than those where they didn't do those things, so it clearly doesn't follow that having sex early will leads to a better marriage.
This is my view. Education and communication are paramount.

Nothing should be off the table to discuss openly.
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post #104 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Smart and interesting is more important than sex. That's why I'm still married.
As is funny, kind, honest, caring, fair and respectful.
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post #105 of 120 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Smart and interesting is more important than sex. That's why I'm still married.
Smart and interesting but NO SEX or only crappy sex are NOT better than no marriage. Sorry.

The marriage you describe would be complete misery to me. I could not sit across from someone I love and who supposedly loves me, and engage in interesting, smart discussion, all the while knowing they will never, ever EVER communicate with me about sex nor engage in sex with me (as you have said your wife no longer does anything but give you a HJ once a month).

I appreciate that you love her....but it really isn't supposed to be that way. The fact that you are kind of a martyr to your own marriage just makes the whole thing sad and wrong.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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