Sex and dating - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Sex and dating

So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?


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post #2 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).
Go with your gut instinct, it is usually right. There are plenty of other men out there for you to sample, why stop at one who has already not met your expectations?
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post #3 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

I often find if it does not start out right it does not get better and things do not go well.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #4 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

People are different in person than they are online and if you enter a long term relationship you will be interacting in person (I hope!). If there were lots of great things about him, it might be worth trying again, but it sounds like the entire date just didn't go very well. The real key though is did you enjoy yourself? If you didn't then I don't see any reason for another date.

As far as sex I think its worth keeping track of bad sex that could get better and just bad sex. Someone who has a desire to please but isn't very good at it might just need practice leaning what you like, but someone who doesn't care about your pleasure will never be a good lover.
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post #5 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgment, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.
Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
I am just thinking out loud really. Anyone have an input?
Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #6 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

I have to disagree. In retrospect it didn't turn out very well, but it might have. I don't read "against my better judgement" as "it was horrible I feel awful", but just that in hindsight she wishes she hadn't. Thats fine - life is full of doing things that later you realize you shouldn't have done.

I think the OP is behaving completely reasonably.



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Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?



Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.
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post #7 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Move on. You're not exclusive, so keep dating. You can keep him on the back burner. Nothing wrong with having sex with multiple people at the same time! Just be up front, if they ask.
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post #8 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

My first thought was no way...but then, what harm can come from giving it one more try?
He may have been super nervous. If you still deem him as a "fixer upper" after another whirl, then that's not what you are looking for.

Ciao,

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post #9 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I have to disagree. In retrospect it didn't turn out very well, but it might have. I don't read "against my better judgement" as "it was horrible I feel awful", but just that in hindsight she wishes she hadn't. Thats fine - life is full of doing things that later you realize you shouldn't have done.

I think the OP is behaving completely reasonably.
The biggest factor as to whether you will have a successful dating life is knowing how to decipher red flags and avoiding those pitfalls.

If you're wrong about someone then that's fine. You live and you learn. She wasn't wrong about him. She knew upfront he was a dud.

If she's a "fixer" type thinking she can make it work or if she's the type to "ignore" red flags on the hope it "might" pan out she shouldn't be dating.

On a positive note, I'm glad she's here self reflecting and trying to make better decisions. She simply needs to have HIGHER standards for herself.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #10 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
Anyone have an input?

I've read a story about another person in a similar situation regarding the struggle to find an HD male partner. Here are some problems you will encounter

  • Some very intelligent men (perhaps high functioning autism such as engineers) can communicate very well online, but very poorly in person.
  • Most men do NOT understand that their desired frequency of solo sexual experiences and partnered experiences will NOT be the same. Partnered experiences are way more powerful and satisfying which create a much stronger male refractory period compared to masturbation. So if a guy tell you he thinks he can handle twice a day, in reality once it is with a partner it will be more like once every two days if even that.
  • You need to determine what MODE of sex your potential partner desires as some conflict with others (e.g. role play, partner engagement, sensual meditation).

Good luck!

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post #11 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Meh... you can go out with him one or two more times to see if things improve, but they likely won't.

Why did you have sex with him if he was giving you the bad vibes? I'm HD, too, but I only sleep with someone if we're really clicking. HD =/= promiscuous. Not saying you're promiscuous. Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.

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post #12 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

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you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.
I am picturing a freak glue accident

As others have stated, I don't think you should go beyond your better judgement, especially when you consider all the red flags you noted.
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post #13 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: Sex and dating

Maybe you should coompare him to someone else, so you can get a better idea.
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post #14 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Sex and dating

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.
I've tried to warn Rover about that, but he didn't listen. Awkwardly enough he and Mallory actually get along quite well even though they are a rather awkward pair.

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post #15 of 119 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:10 PM
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Cool Re: Sex and dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Meh... you can go out with him one or two more times to see if things improve, but they likely won't.

Why did you have sex with him if he was giving you the bad vibes? I'm HD, too, but I only sleep with someone if we're really clicking. HD =/= promiscuous. Not saying you're promiscuous. Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.
Did sex happen on your very first date with him? I, for one, am totally opposed to "first date sex!"

I kind of like to get to know my love interest first ~ if we have "clicked" and are seemingly into each other, say on the first date or two, and our inhibitions are mutually lowered, then I have no problem sending out or entertaining signals that speak to getting intimate or even having sex!

I, just like everybody else, want to be in a position of comfort doing it, with my partner also being in their comfort zone as well!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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