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post #31 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn over sex

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Originally Posted by 2cool4school View Post
I think Sex is more intimate , sometimes men just want a quick emotionless release. No hassle no cuddles no effort just some dirty porn to have a quick snap off to clear your head.
sorry for being so explicit haha just a quick easy reply of my opinion. but there could be something more, have you ever asked him why ?
No your answer is awesome. It's a simple answer and it's what I need to 'hear'

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post #32 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:50 AM
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Porn over sex

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post #33 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:55 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

What exactly is your issue OP? Put together a couple paragraphs describing what and when your husband is doing that disapoints you and also what,when, how you go about thinks you think he isn't responding to. That would give some context to answer your Q.
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post #34 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Still your situation is a little different because the other person wasn't interested. I'm interested and never say no so it confuses me. I feel rejected

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Question, do you actually initiate, or is he expected to start things up most of the time? Saying you are interested and never say no really doesn't tell the whole picture.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:14 AM.
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post #35 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn over sex

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Question, do you actually initiate, or is he expected to start things up most of the time? Saying you are interested and never say no really doesn't tell the whole picture.
I do, and pretty frequently

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post #36 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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I do, and pretty frequently

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Well then I would gladly take that over porn any day of the week

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:14 AM.
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post #37 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Our sex life was terrible for a while. He doesn't show interest I guess? He says he's not a sexual person (no dirty picures, no sexting, no sexual innuendos). I like doing those things. sex with both of us coming takes ten minutes max. It shouldn't be performance anxiety because it's rare that I don't cum. I guess I feel left out because he decided to hide it from me while I was still in the house. I wouldn't care if I'd been out doing something or unavailable.
@Mollymolz we are all creatures of habit! Ask yourself if your husband grew up in a household where he could just openly watch porn and discuss it with all his family members? Ummmm... NO! Odds are hew grew up having to be extremely discrete, deceptive, and even lie about such activities to everyone that he was closest to. So since YOU are now his family, it is only natural that he may have a tendency to keep his porn use completely hidden from you. He likely feels you will get upset about it (which you just did!) and that it is inherently shameful.

You may actually be surprised to find out that your husband is actually more sexual than you, but he struggles to reconcile marital sex with shameful porn sex. Particularly if he was raised in a strict religious setting.

I have read an account where a husband masturbated up to twice a day with porn as he enjoyed a "dirty fantasy" but due to shame he was unable to view his spouse in the same erotic context. She managed to break through to her husband and discover that he was actually hyper sexual and they actually started having sex everyday. For about a year everything was awesome and the two of them connected in ways she never imagined. Eventually things blew up, and I do not know exactly why, but her husband struggled that his fantasies were too dangerous to explore once his wife began to role play some scenarios (he wanted to watch his wife be with another woman). So the husband freaked out, and insisted to wife that those fantasies were to be kept exclusively to him watching porn and that sex within his marriage should be simple and respectable about once every two weeks.

So you could be living with a genie in a bottle. And it is not the conundrum of getting the genie back into the bottle once he gets out, but you could find that the genie himself freaks out because he has never been out of the bottle before, and he desperately wants to put himself back in out of fear that you will wish him away for someone else!

So long story short, some men have fear of abandonment issues. Combine that with shame and porn.... and well you could have a mess on your hands that is virtually impossible to untangle.

Regards,
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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:13 AM.
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post #38 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn over sex

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
@Mollymolz we are all creatures of habit! Ask yourself if your husband grew up in a household where he could just openly watch porn and discuss it with all his family members? Ummmm... NO! Odds are hew grew up having to be extremely discrete, deceptive, and even lie about such activities to everyone that he was closest to. So since YOU are now his family, it is only natural that he may have a tendency to keep his porn use completely hidden from you. He likely feels you will get upset about it (which you just did!) and that it is inherently shameful.

You may actually be surprised to find out that your husband is actually more sexual than you, but he struggles to reconcile marital sex with shameful porn sex. Particularly if he was raised in a strict religious setting.

I have read an account where a husband masturbated up to twice a day with porn as he enjoyed a "dirty fantasy" but due to shame he was unable to view his spouse in the same erotic context. She managed to break through to her husband and discover that he was actually hyper sexual and they actually started having sex everyday. For about a year everything was awesome and the two of them connected in ways she never imagined. Eventually things blew up, and I do not know exactly why, but her husband struggled that his fantasies were too dangerous to explore once his wife began to role play some scenarios (he wanted to watch his wife be with another woman). So the husband freaked out, and insisted to wife that those fantasies were to be kept exclusively to him watching porn and that sex within his marriage should be simple and respectable about once every two weeks.

So you could be living with a genie in a bottle. And it is not the conundrum of getting the genie back into the bottle once he gets out, but you could find that the genie himself freaks out because he has never been out of the bottle before, and he desperately wants to put himself back in out of fear that you will wish him away for someone else!

So long story short, some men have fear of abandonment issues. Combine that with shame and porn.... and well you could have a mess on your hands that is virtually impossible to untangle.

Regards,
Badsanta
I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around. If I'm not around that's a different story. I've even suggested watching it together. I think any man has to hide to watch it growing up as I'm fairly certain masterbating in front of one's parents and siblings is frowned upon (lol). No religion in his house. He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened. All of the porn he watches is very, very tame. I've tried to find more twisted stuff and it's not there. Therefore, I don't think the fantasies would be damaging to our relationship whatever they are.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:12 AM.
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post #39 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around. If I'm not around that's a different story. I've even suggested watching it together. I think any man has to hide to watch it growing up as I'm fairly certain masterbating in front of one's parents and siblings is frowned upon (lol). No religion in his house. He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened. All of the porn he watches is very, very tame. I've tried to find more twisted stuff and it's not there. Therefore, I don't think the fantasies would be damaging to our relationship whatever they are.

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Porn is not your problem! You need to let that go.


Sexual trauma most definitely impacts your husband in ways he may not even be aware. Free help from strangers on the internet will likely not be that helpful. You will need to convince him to see a therapist that specializes in sexual trauma.

@MrsAldi may be able to help you shed a little light on this topic.

Regards,
Badsanta

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:09 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #40 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:38 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

Given a choice, would not choose porn over wife.
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post #41 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

You have every right to be upset.

His molestation could still be an issue, and as someone else suggested therapy might make sense.

I don't think the type of porn matters - in fact extreme might even be less of a worry. If he was watching kinky stuff it might be an indication that he had different interests and some hope that you might be OK with some of those kinks.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around. If I'm not around that's a different story. I've even suggested watching it together. I think any man has to hide to watch it growing up as I'm fairly certain masterbating in front of one's parents and siblings is frowned upon (lol). No religion in his house. He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened. All of the porn he watches is very, very tame. I've tried to find more twisted stuff and it's not there. Therefore, I don't think the fantasies would be damaging to our relationship whatever they are.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:08 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #42 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around.
I doubt that he is trying to replace you with porn but I can understand why you are upset.
In a way it's like he's betraying you by using it instead of sharing things with you.

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He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened.
Sexual abuse does affect the sexuality of a person who has suffered. They might not even realise that there is any physical issues until a spouse points it out to them.
Talking about it is really difficult, it dredges up shame and all those other feelings that go along with it.
Even if it happened 10/20+ years ago, it's still hard to admit. But he told you about some, which means he loves and trusts you.

If he's the LD one, he may be using porn to increase his sex drive for you, especially if you have been making a point about having more with him.

Does your husband ever discuss your sex life with you at all?

Does he have any things that he doesn't want you to do?

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:07 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #43 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

Technically, if you mount a TV on the ceiling you could have "porn over your wife" ... just a thought ...
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post #44 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Technically, if you mount a TV on the ceiling you could have "porn over your wife" ... just a thought ...


@EllisRedding If the TV is voice controlled (Amazon fire) you'll just end up getting repeatedly billed for these:





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post #45 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 08:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn over sex

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
I doubt that he is trying to replace you with porn but I can understand why you are upset.
In a way it's like he's betraying you by using it instead of sharing things with you.



Sexual abuse does affect the sexuality of a person who has suffered. They might not even realise that there is any physical issues until a spouse points it out to them.
Talking about it is really difficult, it dredges up shame and all those other feelings that go along with it.
Even if it happened 10/20+ years ago, it's still hard to admit. But he told you about some, which means he loves and trusts you.

If he's the LD one, he may be using porn to increase his sex drive for you, especially if you have been making a point about having more with him.

Does your husband ever discuss your sex life with you at all?

Does he have any things that he doesn't want you to do?

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That's exactly how I felt. Wondering why he was leaving me out. Although, today I'm thinking he was just tired or maybe just needed some self love at the moment. We don't talk about sex much. He is quite reserved and shy when it comes to the subject. I wish he would talk more to someone about the abuse, and perhaps other components of his childhood. I don't think there is anything he doesn't want me to do. I mentioned before that all the porn he watches is very vanilla. Maybe he wants a three way? In that case I'm quite happy if he lives that fantasy out vicariously through porn

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