Porn over sex - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn over sex

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post

Porn is not your problem! You need to let that go.


Sexual trauma most definitely impacts your husband in ways he may not even be aware. Free help from strangers on the internet will likely not be that helpful. You will need to convince him to see a therapist that specializes in sexual trauma.

@MrsAldi may be able to help you shed a little light on this topic.

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I agree, he does need some help. And yes, I won't get help from strangers pn the Internet. However it is nice to talk with others about it who I don't know in my everyday life. That way there's no shame in thinking about what our friends and family are thinking. He was seeing a counselor for a while for an unrelated issue and I was hoping he'd talk to councilor about the abuse. He stopped going though. Unfortunately I can't force him and I don't want to nag him constantly to do something he's not willing to do.

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post #47 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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I agree, he does need some help. And yes, I won't get help from strangers pn the Internet. However it is nice to talk with others about it who I don't know in my everyday life. That way there's no shame in thinking about what our friends and family are thinking. He was seeing a counselor for a while for an unrelated issue and I was hoping he'd talk to councilor about the abuse. He stopped going though. Unfortunately I can't force him and I don't want to nag him constantly to do something he's not willing to do.

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I don't know if this will be helpful, but you could go see a therapist and explain the situation that you are in with your husband. The therapist could help educate you in the various ways that sexual trauma will effect people later in life, how to recognize it, and perhaps some advice on how to help your marriage better cope with this.

I would NOT advise that you do this behind your husband's back, but talk to him about it first. Let him know that is something you are going to do, then if he feels he needs to he can stop you from going, he can choose to go with you, but at no time will he feel forced to go. Hopefully he will see that you simply care about him and are struggling to help make your marriage better.

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post #48 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn over sex

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I don't know if this will be helpful, but you could go see a therapist and explain the situation that you are in with your husband. The therapist could help educate you in the various ways that sexual trauma will effect people later in life, how to recognize it, and perhaps some advice on how to help your marriage better cope with this.

I would NOT advise that you do this behind your husband's back, but talk to him about it first. Let him know that is something you are going to do, then if he feels he needs to he can stop you from going, he can choose to go with you, but at no time will he feel forced to go. Hopefully he will see that you simply care about him and are struggling to help make your marriage better.

Badsanta
That's a great idea!

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post #49 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:35 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Our sex life was terrible for a while. He doesn't show interest I guess? He says he's not a sexual person (no dirty picures, no sexting, no sexual innuendos). I like doing those things. sex with both of us coming takes ten minutes max. It shouldn't be performance anxiety because it's rare that I don't cum. I guess I feel left out because he decided to hide it from me while I was still in the house. I wouldn't care if I'd been out doing something or unavailable.

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Have you tried asking him why he would chose porn over you? (And also how it makes you feel).
If it's a regular occurrence, I would try and get to the bottom, if not, it could just be the convenience factor. Also: what type of porn exactly is he watching could perhaps establish what might be missing for him in the bedroom. You mentioned you found sex was terrible with him for a while. Does he feel overwhelmed by it? Performance anxieties?
He could also be losing sexual appetite for you. Was it ever different?
I don't believe generally that people who say they are "generally not very sexual" are actually not very sexual. It's just that they either haven't found a way to express their sexuality or are perhaps not that into their partner...
It has to be a frank conversation.


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post #50 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:41 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

Ah ok, the molestation thing could be affecting this. He might prefer to be hiding in his fantasies instead of choosing real life over it, due to pain of association. I don't have a lot of experience in this. Might need professional help as every trauma is too individual to deal with by way of general advice.


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post #51 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:46 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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That's exactly how I felt. Wondering why he was leaving me out. Although, today I'm thinking he was just tired or maybe just needed some self love at the moment. We don't talk about sex much. He is quite reserved and shy when it comes to the subject. I wish he would talk more to someone about the abuse, and perhaps other components of his childhood. I don't think there is anything he doesn't want me to do. I mentioned before that all the porn he watches is very vanilla. Maybe he wants a three way? In that case I'm quite happy if he lives that fantasy out vicariously through porn

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Threesomes work best in the head, and it should stay that way


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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:03 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #52 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn over sex

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Threesomes work best in the head, and it should stay that way


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Yup, I read somewhere that couples who engage in threesoms have a higher divorce rate. I don't know if the study was peer reviewed though so I'm not sure how accurate it was. I could see jealousy becoming a problem at some point though.

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post #53 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?

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I would never chose porn over my wife, "only if"

- she took care of herself and is in good shape
- has a high, healthy, adventurous sex drive
- dresses attractive, sexy, some cosplay

My use for porn would be zero and in all honestly, I would quickly forget about porn altogether.

That's just me.

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post #54 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 05:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?

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I would never chose porn over my wife, "only if"

- she took care of herself and is in good shape
- has a high, healthy, adventurous sex drive
- dresses attractive, sexy, some cosplay

My use for porn would be zero and in all honestly, I would quickly forget about porn altogether.

That's just me.
So in other words, you'll look at porn if she's not quite hot enough? What if she's "average"?

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post #55 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Porn over sex

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So in other words, you'll look at porn if she's not quite hot enough? What if she's "average"?

That's not what I'm saying at all.

If she takes care of herself, gym, diet, she will be in good shape.
If she has a healthy, high, adventurous sex drive, we would be doing similar things that are done in porn. No need for porn.
If she dresses sexy, so I look and say, hmmm hmmm good, no need or porn or looking at the ladies.

Being in good shape is not a super model.
Having great adventurous sex doesn't mean porn actress.
Dressing to seduce her man, doesn't mean looking like a super model.

That's what I meant.

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post #56 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 05:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
So in other words, you'll look at porn if she's not quite hot enough? What if she's "average"?

That's not what I'm saying at all.

If she takes care of herself, gym, diet, she will be in good shape.
If she has a healthy, high, adventurous sex drive, we would be doing similar things that are done in porn. No need for porn.
If she dresses sexy, so I look and say, hmmm hmmm good, no need or porn or looking at the ladies.

Being in good shape is not a super model.
Having great adventurous sex doesn't mean porn actress.
Dressing to seduce her man, doesn't mean looking like a super model.

That's what I meant.
Gotcha, good to hear. Because I think "average" women like to have their partners interested in them...
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post #57 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 08:16 PM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
Yup, I read somewhere that couples who engage in threesoms have a higher divorce rate. I don't know if the study was peer reviewed though so I'm not sure how accurate it was. I could see jealousy becoming a problem at some point though.
Without judging, I would say that couples that engage in threesomes (or any form of swinging) for whatever reason feel they are unable to be satisfied within their marriage. Even the stories I read of rather kinky couples that engage in swinging, there is always this element of dissatisfaction where one person questions, "why am I not enough for my partner." And I think it is only natural for that person to seek out a partner that they can fulfill, thus the marriage ending in divorce.

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post #58 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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@Mollymolz we are all creatures of habit! Ask yourself if your husband grew up in a household where he could just openly watch porn and discuss it with all his family members? Ummmm... NO! Odds are hew grew up having to be extremely discrete, deceptive, and even lie about such activities to everyone that he was closest to. So since YOU are now his family, it is only natural that he may have a tendency to keep his porn use completely hidden from you. He likely feels you will get upset about it (which you just did!) and that it is inherently shameful.

You may actually be surprised to find out that your husband is actually more sexual than you, but he struggles to reconcile marital sex with shameful porn sex. Particularly if he was raised in a strict religious setting.

I have read an account where a husband masturbated up to twice a day with porn as he enjoyed a "dirty fantasy" but due to shame he was unable to view his spouse in the same erotic context. She managed to break through to her husband and discover that he was actually hyper sexual and they actually started having sex everyday. For about a year everything was awesome and the two of them connected in ways she never imagined. Eventually things blew up, and I do not know exactly why, but her husband struggled that his fantasies were too dangerous to explore once his wife began to role play some scenarios (he wanted to watch his wife be with another woman). So the husband freaked out, and insisted to wife that those fantasies were to be kept exclusively to him watching porn and that sex within his marriage should be simple and respectable about once every two weeks.

So you could be living with a genie in a bottle. And it is not the conundrum of getting the genie back into the bottle once he gets out, but you could find that the genie himself freaks out because he has never been out of the bottle before, and he desperately wants to put himself back in out of fear that you will wish him away for someone else!

So long story short, some men have fear of abandonment issues. Combine that with shame and porn.... and well you could have a mess on your hands that is virtually impossible to untangle.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #59 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:23 AM
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post #60 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Porn over sex

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Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?

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Never would although I do have a few friends who do and its usually because they are not open enough with wives to say what they really want.

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