Having trouble - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: Having trouble

I am just going to put this out there; I have two cousins and know two other women who had husbands who made excuses not to have sex. All the husbands are now married to men. I had a girlfriend who never enjoyed sex and often made excuses. She is now married to a women she was cheating with while married to a guy. Of course there can be Psychological reasons that may be present and which a Psychologist may be able to help him. As others have said, there are many ways to avoid pregnancy so I suspect other forces are at work here.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 10:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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I am just going to put this out there; I have two cousins and know two other women who had husbands who made excuses not to have sex. All the husbands are now married to men. I had a girlfriend who never enjoyed sex and often made excuses. She is now married to a women she was cheating with while married to a guy. Of course there can be Psychological reasons that may be present and which a Psychologist may be able to help him. As others have said, there are many ways to avoid pregnancy so I suspect other forces are at work here.
Thanks I'm really considering going to a therapist because this is absurd. I don't know if being stressed out really does affect a man's sex drive and if it does then is it to extent that they can go days without any kind of sex? Honestly I just want this whole thing to be over with. I didn't wait until I was married to have sex just so I can wait more lol

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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Having trouble

Lack of sex is more than enough reason to end a marriage. Do both of you a favor. Tell him you can't stay married without frequent sex. Give him a month or two to step up his tempo. If he doesn't, file for divorce. You both will thank me a year or two from now when he is out form under your demands and you are with someone who lusts for you.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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I'm confused. You've both been married before, yet you're both virgins?
Sorry I'm replying super late. My first marriage was very complicated. Let's just say that we were never together long enough to have sex because we never lived together. Also his marriage was messed up also. From what he told he was never into it. But to answer your question I think he's had sex because I was going through his phone (don't hate me I wasn't snooping I was bored so thought I'd entertain myself lol) but he has a text from some girl (from 2 years ago) about hooking up. From the looks of it, it seems like he did so it's hard for me to accept the fact that he might be inexperienced or scared.

I really don't care what he did in his past and how many people he hooked up with but this is absurd. I shouldn't have to be asking my husband for sex I thought it was part of the package. The thing is I am not good at "talking" about issues especially when they are things that bother me and I honestly don't know how to bring this up. Any advice?

Areen
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Having trouble

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The thing is I am not good at "talking" about issues especially when they are things that bother me and I honestly don't know how to bring this up. Any advice?
Just be direct. It may be difficult the first time to get started, but really it is the right thing to do. Getting this issue resolved is needed for both of you. So next time he avoids sex or turns you down, just calmly and matter-of-factly ask him "What's really going on here? Why do you not want to have sex with me?". Just say it with as little emotion as possible, which should make it easier for him to answer. If you're all upset or sound like you're accusing him of something bad, he will feel defensive.

I would also have several followup responses thought out. He will likely respond one of several predictable ways. He may minimize or brush off what you say, as if he isn't avoiding sex with you. He may shift the blame to you by saying you always approach him when it is a bad time. He may repeat his previous excuses. I'm sure you could think of several other ways he might respond. So be prepared with something for each of those responses of his. Your reply should take the discussion further, not end it.

You might say that his response no longer is valid because it has been far too long. You might say he is avoiding the question. You might say that even if his reason is valid, the situation is not tolerable. You might say that you see things very differently than he does. And then you can follow up either repeating what you opened with ("What's really going on here? Why do you not want to have sex with me?"), or you can go to something else like saying you want to go to marriage counseling.

Do some research to identify a few marriage counselors nearby. You can even call to interview them. Tell them your situation in a few sentences and ask them if they've dealt with this before, and what their approach would probably be. Select the therapist you feel makes the most sense to you.

If all else is equal, I think a male therapist might be the better choice, but it is only one factor in choosing the therapist.

I highly recommend the book to you "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. The book has much more to it than the title suggests. There are numerous verbal tools to use when talking with someone who is being difficult. But there are also philosophical ideas in there which I think would benefit you. Your local library may have it, so you can even read it for free.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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Just be direct. It may be difficult the first time to get started, but really it is the right thing to do. Getting this issue resolved is needed for both of you. So next time he avoids sex or turns you down, just calmly and matter-of-factly ask him "What's really going on here? Why do you not want to have sex with me?". Just say it with as little emotion as possible, which should make it easier for him to answer. If you're all upset or sound like you're accusing him of something bad, he will feel defensive.

I would also have several followup responses thought out. He will likely respond one of several predictable ways. He may minimize or brush off what you say, as if he isn't avoiding sex with you. He may shift the blame to you by saying you always approach him when it is a bad time. He may repeat his previous excuses. I'm sure you could think of several other ways he might respond. So be prepared with something for each of those responses of his. Your reply should take the discussion further, not end it.

You might say that his response no longer is valid because it has been far too long. You might say he is avoiding the question. You might say that even if his reason is valid, the situation is not tolerable. You might say that you see things very differently than he does. And then you can follow up either repeating what you opened with ("What's really going on here? Why do you not want to have sex with me?"), or you can go to something else like saying you want to go to marriage counseling.

Do some research to identify a few marriage counselors nearby. You can even call to interview them. Tell them your situation in a few sentences and ask them if they've dealt with this before, and what their approach would probably be. Select the therapist you feel makes the most sense to you.

If all else is equal, I think a male therapist might be the better choice, but it is only one factor in choosing the therapist.

I highly recommend the book to you "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. The book has much more to it than the title suggests. There are numerous verbal tools to use when talking with someone who is being difficult. But there are also philosophical ideas in there which I think would benefit you. Your local library may have it, so you can even read it for free.
Thank you very much. This helps a lot. *fingers crossed * hopefully I get a legit answer.

Areen
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:23 AM
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Re: Having trouble

Not knowing your husband or culture, I am a bit hesitant to suggest you be aggressive in your confrontation. Normally I would suggest you state a boundary with a definite consequence of ending the marriage. The power dynamic may be an issue though.

If you were my daughter I would suggest doing what I said in the above post, and adding in that this is unacceptable in a marriage and that you will not remain married to someone who avoids sex and who won't discuss problems. Note that this is stating a boundary not stating a threat. You are clearly saying what is not acceptable to you, and what the consequences are.

You can use the carrot and stick approach, saying that you love him and want to have a great marriage with him. But, you cannot stay in a relationship with someone who avoids sex and won't discuss problems.
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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Not knowing your husband or culture, I am a bit hesitant to suggest you be aggressive in your confrontation. Normally I would suggest you state a boundary with a definite consequence of ending the marriage. The power dynamic may be an issue though.

If you were my daughter I would suggest doing what I said in the above post, and adding in that this is unacceptable in a marriage and that you will not remain married to someone who avoids sex and who won't discuss problems. Note that this is stating a boundary not stating a threat. You are clearly saying what is not acceptable to you, and what the consequences are.

You can use the carrot and stick approach, saying that you love him and want to have a great marriage with him. But, you cannot stay in a relationship with someone who avoids sex and won't discuss problems.
Thanks and you're right I might as well do what you're suggesting. He's too complacent about things so to him it's not that big of a deal. He doesn't take things too seriously and I'm the complete opposite of him. I have been aggressive with him confronting before but in this situation I need to stay calm so he understands the seriousness of this problem. What's frustrating is that I shouldn't even have to bring up divorce after only being married for two months. I'll approach the way you said it and I'll tell him that I'm going to go to the doctor on Monday and that he should come with me and depending on what he says I'll know what to say.

Areen
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Having trouble

Why would you go to the doctor? What do you think the doctor could do for you that might enable your husband to have sex with you?

Do you guys make out?
Do you guys touch each other's body in a sexual way? If so, how does he respond when you touch him? If not, why not? How does he respond (or would he respond) if you tried to touch his genitals while still clothed?

These questions may seem intrusive but they are actually pretty important to know.

During the month that you "got to know each other" did you discuss sex at all? How did he react to discovering your first marriage was never consummated? How did he admit to you that his first marriage was also never consummated? Why wasn't his marriage consummated? If he spent an time in her company, did he engage in any sexual behavior, making out, touching each other sexually...?

I don't think your husband has a T problem and I don't think your husband is shy or anxious or afraid. I think your husband doesn't like sex, or doesn't like sex with women.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Having trouble

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I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?

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After Mrs.CuddleBug and I got married, the sex was once every month or 5 weeks and only once.

She is on effective birth control.


Are you on birth control? You should be at this point and not worry about getting pregnant.

If you're not on birth control, why not?


Get on birth control, wait about 6 months to be sure and in the meantime, you can have lots of oral sex, foot jobs, breast jobs, anal sex, toys, you name it. That's what Mrs.CuddleBug and I did.

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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After Mrs.CuddleBug and I got married, the sex was once every month or 5 weeks and only once.

She is on effective birth control.


Are you on birth control? You should be at this point and not worry about getting pregnant.

If you're not on birth control, why not?


Get on birth control, wait about 6 months to be sure and in the meantime, you can have lots of oral sex, foot jobs, breast jobs, anal sex, toys, you name it. That's what Mrs.CuddleBug and I did.
I feel so much better after reading your post. I started to think there was something wrong with me and that's why my husband didn't want to have sex with me. I'm still going to talk to him about it as some of the others have suggested. I'm going to get on birth control by the end of the week. I just didn't bother since we haven't been sexually active, I didn't see the point of it.

Areen
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 09:34 PM
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Re: Having trouble

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I feel so much better after reading your post. I started to think there was something wrong with me and that's why my husband didn't want to have sex with me. I'm still going to talk to him about it as some of the others have suggested. I'm going to get on birth control by the end of the week. I just didn't bother since we haven't been sexually active, I didn't see the point of it.

Areen

I was scared of getting Mrs.CuddleBug pregnant before she went on birth control.

She went on when we were engaged, when we got married 6 months later, she was on the pill about 6 months and no problems.

Just try a few first and see how your body responds. You shouldn't have any issues but if you do, you can always go to a different brand.

I bet after you tell him, I'm going on birth control, he'll be all over you.

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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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I was scared of getting Mrs.CuddleBug pregnant before she went on birth control.

She went on when we were engaged, when we got married 6 months later, she was on the pill about 6 months and no problems.

Just try a few first and see how your body responds. You shouldn't have any issues but if you do, you can always go to a different brand.

I bet after you tell him, I'm going on birth control, he'll be all over you.
I hope so *fingers crossed*

Areen
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