Having trouble - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 03:40 AM Thread Starter
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Having trouble

I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Having trouble

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Originally Posted by areenhaque26 View Post
I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?

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There are MANY forms of sex that will not lead to pregnancy even without protection. Examples include oral sex, hand jobs, grinding with your cloths on, sexting, mutual masturbation, using toys, and so on.

So my question to you is, does your husband have problems with all those alternate forms of sex as well in which pregnancy is not even possible? If so, then he is using pregnancy as an excuse to avoid a confrontation of why he really is not in the mood. Was he OK with these types of sex before but now something has changed?

This is not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, but your husband could just be struggling to adjust to the idea of being married and the changes in lifestyle that it will imply (buying a house, eventually raising a family, building careers, and so on).

Also keep in mind that if you remained a virgin that your husband could also be struggling with the idea that sex the first few times may have been rather painful for you.

Regards,
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: Having trouble

The number one cause of decreased sex is marriage.
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Having trouble

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The number one cause of decreased sex is marriage.
What is the number one case of increased sex in marriage?

According to historical data there have been sudden increase in birth rates that were so much higher than anything seen before, that some research was done to find out what happened nine month's earlier. Here they are:

  • Rare snow storm that shut down the city
  • Major power outage that shut down the city
  • Bruce Springsteen Concert
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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There are MANY forms of sex that will not lead to pregnancy even without protection. Examples include oral sex, hand jobs, grinding with your cloths on, sexting, mutual masturbation, using toys, and so on.

So my question to you is, does your husband have problems with all those alternate forms of sex as well in which pregnancy is not even possible? If so, then he is using pregnancy as an excuse to avoid a confrontation of why he really is not in the mood. Was he OK with these types of sex before but now something has changed?

This is not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, but your husband could just be struggling to adjust to the idea of being married and the changes in lifestyle that it will imply (buying a house, eventually raising a family, building careers, and so on).

Also keep in mind that if you remained a virgin that your husband could also be struggling with the idea that sex the first few times may have been rather painful for you.

Regards,
Badsanta
Hey sorry I haven't replied back. My classes started recently so I'm trying to balance school, work and home. You're right I didn't think of it that way that he could be stressed out with the move and being married and starting all over again. Your post did get me to think that he might be concerned about what kind of effect it'll have on me since I've been a virgin before marriage. I've decided to give him time to work things out and we haven't even talked about sex for a while now. Also, before we would at least have some kind of foreplay even if it didn't lead to sex now it's nothing. He's affectionate towards me and everything just not sexual. Should I be concerned or should I just give him space?

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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: Having trouble

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Hey sorry I haven't replied back. My classes started recently so I'm trying to balance school, work and home. You're right I didn't think of it that way that he could be stressed out with the move and being married and starting all over again. Your post did get me to think that he might be concerned about what kind of effect it'll have on me since I've been a virgin before marriage. I've decided to give him time to work things out and we haven't even talked about sex for a while now. Also, before we would at least have some kind of foreplay even if it didn't lead to sex now it's nothing. He's affectionate towards me and everything just not sexual. Should I be concerned or should I just give him space?
The fact that you remained a virgin prior to marriage is admirable!

Most men will not tolerate this and will often engage in premarital sex with their soon to be wife in various stages of the relationship.

Did you husband not push for this? If he did not and was completely OK with you remaining a virgin, this leads to some more questions. Did he have sexual experience with anyone else or was he a virgin as well? If he did have previous experience, perhaps there was something traumatic about that experience for him, which would explain why he was OK with you remaining a virgin. Now that you two are married, if he had a traumatic past, he can no longer hide from that and must confront it with you.

There may not be any trauma, but if he is completely avoiding sex with you now, this seems like a sign that he is struggling with something that is giving him anxiety. Could just be a new life together.

If he will NOT talk about it with you, then you do have a problem. Don't get upset, but encourage him to visit a counselor/therapist with you and exercise some patience with him.

Worst case scenario, your husband was a victim of abuse and your relationship will have to cope and deal with that for a long time to come. Best case scenario, stress has made him loose his mojo for a little while and if you just bake him some awesome cookies, he will be better than OK!

Regards,
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Having trouble

Are you in an arranged marriage? I think you said that in Mek's thread. Might there be some cultural issues here? From my perspective as a regular red-blooded American male there is no good reason to not want to have sex all day every day with my new young bride!

Some possible issues come to mind which may be going on. But the only way to know is to have open honest communications. He is using a poor excuse of not wanting to get you pregnant. You could go on the pill, use an IUD, get a Depo shot, etc. He could use a condom. You could engage in other forms of sexual activity other than PiV. His excuse is weak.

Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is inexperienced and fearful of sex. Maybe he watches lots of porn (which can mess up a man's sex drive). Maybe he is just worried about you being in pain as a virgin. Maybe he is under some incorrect belief that women don't like sex or that women shouldn't like sex. Maybe he has a distorted view of sex as being somehow dirty or improper. Maybe you have bad breath. Maybe he has some problems with sexual dysfunction. There are a lot of possible reasons he is avoiding sex with you.

I think you could approach him as wanting to get this figured out because it is not acceptable to you. Excluding your cultural issues which I may not understand at all, for me this would be a problem which would lead to divorce if not figured out quickly. That means you two need to discuss it, and perhaps you need to see a marriage therapist to get things moving in the right direction.

This is not acceptable, so don't accept it.
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
The fact that you remained a virgin prior to marriage is admirable!

Most men will not tolerate this and will often engage in premarital sex with their soon to be wife in various stages of the relationship.

Did you husband not push for this? If he did not and was completely OK with you remaining a virgin, this leads to some more questions. Did he have sexual experience with anyone else or was he a virgin as well? If he did have previous experience, perhaps there was something traumatic about that experience for him, which would explain why he was OK with you remaining a virgin. Now that you two are married, if he had a traumatic past, he can no longer hide from that and must confront it with you.

There may not be any trauma, but if he is completely avoiding sex with you now, this seems like a sign that he is struggling with something that is giving him anxiety. Could just be a new life together.

If he will NOT talk about it with you, then you do have a problem. Don't get upset, but encourage him to visit a counselor/therapist with you and exercise some patience with him.

Worst case scenario, your husband was a victim of abuse and your relationship will have to cope and deal with that for a long time to come. Best case scenario, stress has made him loose his mojo for a little while and if you just bake him some awesome cookies, he will be better than OK!

Regards,
Badsanta
Ours is an arranged marriage. We talked for a month on the phone (he's originally from new york and I'm from cali) and then we wanted to meet each other to see if we were interested so he came for a weekend and then we decided to get married. I for one could not have been happier with my decision. We are both divorcee (my divorce ended 5 years ago ( and yes I've been single this whole time) and his ended 1 year ago) and I don't know if this will help you understand the situation but he's 8 years older than me. I did ask him if he ever slept with anyone in his entire life; thinking maybe he'd tell me about his ex but he said he hasn't. From what he told me it seems like he and his ex did not have a good relationship. I too never had sex with my ex because I was here and he was in my home country so we never got the chance to. I'm going to do what you suggested and go see a doctor next week and see what the real issue is because like you said there are other forms of sex and for him to be completely shut off then there's something wrong. I don't know if the pressure of not having a job and stress of what's going to happen is getting to him. Also I don't say anything that will stress him out unnecessarily.

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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having trouble

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Are you in an arranged marriage? I think you said that in Mek's thread. Might there be some cultural issues here? From my perspective as a regular red-blooded American male there is no good reason to not want to have sex all day every day with my new young bride!

Some possible issues come to mind which may be going on. But the only way to know is to have open honest communications. He is using a poor excuse of not wanting to get you pregnant. You could go on the pill, use an IUD, get a Depo shot, etc. He could use a condom. You could engage in other forms of sexual activity other than PiV. His excuse is weak.

Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is inexperienced and fearful of sex. Maybe he watches lots of porn (which can mess up a man's sex drive). Maybe he is just worried about you being in pain as a virgin. Maybe he is under some incorrect belief that women don't like sex or that women shouldn't like sex. Maybe he has a distorted view of sex as being somehow dirty or improper. Maybe you have bad breath. Maybe he has some problems with sexual dysfunction. There are a lot of possible reasons he is avoiding sex with you.

I think you could approach him as wanting to get this figured out because it is not acceptable to you. Excluding your cultural issues which I may not understand at all, for me this would be a problem which would lead to divorce if not figured out quickly. That means you two need to discuss it, and perhaps you need to see a marriage therapist to get things moving in the right direction.

This is not acceptable, so don't accept it.
OMG thank you!!! I was thinking the same thing when I got married that we'd be having sex all the time because being a man I thought that's something he'd be into very much. Yes I am in an arranged marriage but it was both of our decision to get married to one another. He's been super affectionate with me from day one. Someone as well mentioned the same thing that you did that he might be concerned about the pain that it might cause me since I'm still a virgin but I've also made it clear to him that if it does I'll let him know. Also when we first started fooling around he would get worried if I wasn't enjoying myself. I get it that he's worried about having a kid since neither of us are financially capable of having a kid, but it's just frustrating that he doesn't do anything. No matter what I do, I haven't been able to get any reaction from him. He's almost in his 40s do you think that could be affecting his sex drive?

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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 06:53 AM
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Re: Having trouble

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OMG thank you!!! I was thinking the same thing when I got married that we'd be having sex all the time because being a man I thought that's something he'd be into very much. Yes I am in an arranged marriage but it was both of our decision to get married to one another. He's been super affectionate with me from day one. Someone as well mentioned the same thing that you did that he might be concerned about the pain that it might cause me since I'm still a virgin but I've also made it clear to him that if it does I'll let him know. Also when we first started fooling around he would get worried if I wasn't enjoying myself. I get it that he's worried about having a kid since neither of us are financially capable of having a kid, but it's just frustrating that he doesn't do anything. No matter what I do, I haven't been able to get any reaction from him. He's almost in his 40s do you think that could be affecting his sex drive?

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Some men as young as your husband already have erectile dysfunction. Some will not talk about it, either.

Do you know if he is able to get hard? Do you ever reach over in bed in the morning, for example, and feel him?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Having trouble

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He's almost in his 40s do you think that could be affecting his sex drive?
Unlikely. Men's testosterone levels slowly reduce over time, so his hormones are lower than when he was 20 yrs old. But at 40 he should still have a very healthy sex drive, and his physical ability to have sex (get an erection, ejaculate) should be fine. Some men do have low T. If he is a smoker, heavy drinker, overweight, or have chronic health problems he could also have low T.

Getting his T checked by a doctor is very simple and relatively cheap. I think my doc charged about $150 total for the office visit plus blood test.

Generally, though, I think it unlikely he has a physical or medical problem at age 40.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Having trouble

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We are both divorcee (my divorce ended 5 years ago ( and yes I've been single this whole time) and his ended 1 year ago) and I don't know if this will help you understand the situation but he's 8 years older than me. I did ask him if he ever slept with anyone in his entire life; thinking maybe he'd tell me about his ex but he said he hasn't.
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Someone as well mentioned the same thing that you did that he might be concerned about the pain that it might cause me since I'm still a virgin but I've also made it clear to him that if it does I'll let him know.
I'm confused. You've both been married before, yet you're both virgins?
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:58 AM
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: Having trouble

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I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?
What exactly does that bolded part mean? If he does not want you to get pregnant, then you need to be using birth control 100% of the time. Get on the pill. Or get condoms and combine them with contraceptive foam. Otherwise, you are just kidding yourself and your marriage will suffer greatly.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Having trouble

By "sex" do you mean intercourse, or any sexual activity?

It is not crazy for him to be concerned about pregnancy - a child can completely change your lives and you should not have one if you are not both completely committed to being parents. Condoms can and do fail, so if that is the issue with BC, he may not be unreasonable.

Is he happy to engage in sexual activities like oral sex that cannot get you pregnant?




Quote:
Originally Posted by areenhaque26 View Post
I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?

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