Reconciling with fiancée - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 09:26 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
You haven't read the posts. They are saying HE has a hang up, blah blah blah

I simply call bull****.

Just because one person doesn't care about their partners sexual past doesn't mean everyone else should not care.

Many care a great deal - regardless of the reason for the sexual promiscuity.

Long long long posts explaining this or that to OP like he's supposed to agree with this crap. He's made his views plain. Those explanations of the views of OTHERS won't sway him.

His question has to do with living with the idea of leaving someone he loves, that's all. Nothing to do with anyone else's views of promiscuity etc. if you keep telling OP to change his values because "he's wrong" and "he has the problem" then you're calling him a ****head.

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He titled this thread Reconciling with fiancée. No one is trying to push anything on him.
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post #137 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:07 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

This thread has completely gone off the rails. You know that's the truth when I am saying it. It's also completely unfair to OP to judge him harsher then his ex has. For God's sake no one should have to be blindsided by seeing your fiance in what is basically an orgy movie. No one is going to just be like "OK let's talk" after having that sprung on you. Seriously your not helping by jumping down the man's throat. He has no prior experience with this kind of stuff. Quit judging him from your perspective now having had years to deal with your own experience. The fact that he is still here means something. Most would just react like some of the other posters, even some women on her who are calling her a ho. (I hate the fact that this stupid site wouldn't let me say ***** (rhymes with smore) and I can't bypass that do to the new rules. It is such a much more effective way of saying what the posters are calling her. Seriously we are all adults here but the site polices our words like children!)

Anyway it is also unfair to act like there is not some danger and even some loss by continuing a relationship. Most men who think like OP are going to suffer when they see and think of their wife the way he did. He will now have to live with that, even if it was of no fault of hers, or very minimal fault. The ex has said the same thing. If she has sympathy for him you should. Anyway that makes this damn hard for him. He is a victim in this too. The ******* ex boyfriend in a sense abused him as well.

Besides all that people like her have issues, that take a lifetime of work and you can't deny that. It would be much easier to marry someone who has had a stable mother/father upbringing obviously. This is the kind of decision that will affect the rest of his life. No one should judge him if it is something that he is thinking long and hard about. That doesn't make him a bad guy.

Also telling him to leave her alone is just wrong, his ex specifically wants him there because of her son, you have no right to go against her wishes. If she were here I bet she would say the same. Again you are not helping her by doing that. She wants him back.

Now you posters who are basically acting like this woman was a 20 year old collage student who decided to be a porn-star could really do with some more grace, especially you Christian ones. That is not the situation and you are willfully ignoring it and just projecting your reality because the kind of sex she was forced into makes you uncomfortable. I got no problem if you think this is too much to handle but acting like she was at 15-18 making the decisions of and adult is also terribly unfair. There is a reason why we have statutory rape laws in this country. No psychologist or educator would agree with your opinion it's frankly very poorly informed. It is scientifically proven that teenagers brains are not even fully developed. This is the reason there is a statute of limitations for most juvenile crime. That adding to the fact that she was 14 and from a complete sexual dysfunctional (at the very least) home means she deserves some mercy. I mean you don't even say she is lying here, you just think she is a ***** (the word that rhymes with snore). Some of you can do better then that. I don't think Jesus would call her that, or act like she was?

Finally the self-righteousness of both sides it really wasting time on here. Everyone could do with a little more empathy for everyone involved except for the disgusting ex boyfriend who is the real villain here. This is an incredibly hard situation for everyone, everyone has made bad mistakes but I believe everyone is trying to do the right thing. Lets try to help them all here.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-18-2017 at 10:13 PM.
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post #138 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:16 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

OK so if two 12-14 year olds have sex and carry on having sex who is to blame? They are both children, the same age, (as in this case), so why is the boy more responsible than the girl if it was consensual?
Its probable that both had dysfunctional/possibly abusive families for them to be having a relationship and sex that young, so why is it that most people see a 12-14 year old boy as more responsible than a 12-14 years old girl?
If it had been a man in his 20's or older with a 12 year old girl, then yes that's way different, but the op has said they were the same age or up to a year apart in age. Both seeking love and attention they probably weren't getting from home.
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post #139 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:19 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
What did you read? I asked you to be specific. "That's not what I read" is meaningless.

Have you told any boyfriend or husband about every sexual act or thought that you experienced in your past? More men, than women have insecurities about sexual past.

If you (or any woman) had sex with a man 10 years in the past, it doesn't mean his guy germs / DNA are still in your body.

There are women who only had sex with her husband, that cheat on that husband later in the marriage. There are women who had sex with hundreds of men, who don't cheat on their husbands.

I had way past 100 sexual partners over my wife. Yet, I never cheated on her nor ever thought about cheating on her. Not even a revenge affair. What was he sexual number before I meet her? I don't actually know. I think its between 7 ~ 20. We are both STD free. She has told me about some of the people in her past as I have told her mine... but I never asked for a number. What difference does it really make? SEX and LOVE are not the same thing. I know some people want to think that way, but it isn't. That's not as bad as the idiotic logic that RAPE = LOVE since its sex. Or that "real rape doesn't create pregnancy" as if women can shut down rape sperm.
I am not going through reading it all again, but it is what she said about him.

Its a known fact that people who have had many sexual partners are more likely to cheat.I read that recently in a study.
My husband and I have always been completely honest about the past.
Its not hard though, he has only had sex with his first wife and myself, and me with my first husband, one guy before my first husband and now him.

I see honesty as vital. To us sex is so important, to us its not 'just sex', but far more than that. I wouldn't marry a man who thought it was ok to sleep around, so I can see where hudson is coming from and why this is hard for him. Its a sad situation where her past has come back to haunt her.

I think its so wrong for anyone to attack him for the struggles he has with this.

Last edited by Diana7; 02-18-2017 at 10:31 PM.
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post #140 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:30 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
OK so if two 12-14 year olds have sex and carry on having sex who is to blame? They are both children, the same age, (as in this case), so why is the boy more responsible than the girl if it was consensual?
Its probable that both had dysfunctional/possibly abusive families for them to be having a relationship and sex that young, so why is it that most people see a 12-14 year old boy as more responsible than a 12-14 years old girl?
If it had been a man in his 20's or older with a 12 year old girl, then yes that's way different, but the op has said they were the same age or up to a year apart in age. Both seeking love and attention they probably weren't getting from home.
Because the boy made tapes of it and then used them to destroy her years later. It wasn't consensual at first, he raped her repeatedly when she said no. The boy was the ringleader. The girl on the other hand broke away and just by her treatment of her son proves she is 100 time the person that he is. I suspect this was always the case. I find it amazing you can't see the difference. Your lack of compassion is astonishing to me. Did you read her posts?
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post #141 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:34 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
OK so if two 12-14 year olds have sex and carry on having sex who is to blame? They are both children, the same age, (as in this case), so why is the boy more responsible than the girl if it was consensual?
Its probable that both had dysfunctional/possibly abusive families for them to be having a relationship and sex that young, so why is it that most people see a 12-14 year old boy as more responsible than a 12-14 years old girl?
If it had been a man in his 20's or older with a 12 year old girl, then yes that's way different, but the op has said they were the same age or up to a year apart in age. Both seeking love and attention they probably weren't getting from home.
The 12 year old boy is still at fault. Directly from her thread:

Quote:
the first time we had sex he asked me if I wanted to or not. I said no but we had sex anyway.
HE raped her from the start. HE brought HIS friends into the mix. HE used her to get HIS drugs. HE chose to film it and HE chose to share it. HE chose to have virtually no part of his sons life. HE chose to threaten and stalk her when she left him. Maybe his home life wasn't unicorns and rainbows, but seeing as his parents are the ones with rights to the child not the father/their son they can't be that screwed up. A judge wouldn't have granted them to be the supervisors of the child if they were unfit.
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post #142 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
@TheTruthHurts :
The only one who called the op, hudson a ****head, is you. You actually posted that, and now acting like others have said it.

Now does hudson have insecurities "hang-ups" - I believe so. That is my opinion and that of many others due to his own actions that he himself stated and the woman at the other site - which for the sake of easier composition and understanding, her name is "Gibrale" which I am very certain is the same person, and when I'm referring to her - will use her name.

My judgment of hudson is by his own words, Gibrale's posts only validated those opinions of him.

You are right, hudson does get to decide how to spend his life. But since he's on the fence of leaving this woman, without actually spending any time actually talking to her - *HE* is interfering with the life of a young mother and her 7-year-old son. That *IS NOT* his son. He has NO legal ties to the child, his actions are ABUSIVE to both of them and even himself. His justification for doing so *IS* childish and not that of a *MAN* who is secure with himself IMHO. My opinion of that was before I read the words of Gibrale.

I think he does need some help with a therapist to talk about and work on his expectations, his insecurities, and his bigotry. None of those are healthy for bringing up children. He should do that no matter what he does.

So lets jump back to the facts as presented by hudson himself and for which Gibrale story also matches his.
1 - He agreed to be in a relationship with this woman as friends then lovers. = YES.
2 - As a friend at first, was she obligated to tell him about her sexual history? = NO
3 - Did he tell her that he didn't want to know the sexual history of his ex-F? = YES.
4 - As humans, are we always 100% honest? NO. We all omit information as needed. "do these pants make me look fat?" You may think, "yeah - a little bit, but you look hot", but what comes out of your mouth is "No, they look great on you". Sorry, but reality is that people will bend the truth a bit. Women tend to not consider blowjobs as "sex" in refernce to the movie "Clerks". I tested this out on a female friend of mine and I think its fun & educational for people to try it out to. I asked her "do you count BJ's as sex?" She said "no". So I asked her to give me BJ. She said "no", so I said "but you said it wasn't sex". BTW, I wasn't expecting her to give me a BJ, but to point out that to men - ITS SEX. Anything that involves a sexual body part to be used = sex. Now, of the many women I had sex with, were most of them "relationships"? = NO. I had relationships with about 8 women in my life. The other 100+ are not relationships. And you are not in a "relationship" if they just raped you.

5 - Does his ex-F have the ability to go back in time, change her parents, change those who controlled her as a teenager? = NO
6 - Did hudson have a relationship with his ex-F's xBF? Not really, might have met him a few times - but otherwise, after 5+ years was pretty much nothing, then out of the blue this same low-life sends him a porno for the purpose of manipulation and hudson, fell for it like a fool. = YES.
7 - Did hudson sitdown with "his love" and spend 10mins, an hour, anything to hear her side of the story? = NO
8 - Did hudson's ex-F ever cheated on him while they were together. According to both people = NO.
9 - Has the ex-F tried to explain her side of the story? = YES
10 - The trauma of dealing her exBF is apparent. Hudon has stated that she would be depressed and emotional when she has to deal with him. = that guy has a nightmare for her. She *IS NOT and DID NOT* have fun.

Simple matter fact. hudson has his own ideas for a mate, and thought that such a person exists. They do not. He didn't want to know her past and told her. She was put into position to not tell him all the details that HE said he didn't want to know. He was already aware of some of the abuse she endured. She, trying to protect him - didn't want to burden him how much she was hurting.
If they were married and she was raped, would hudson have dumped her? Shamed her - as he *IS* shaming her now? Sorry, but reality is this: hudson is shaming his ex-F because she was sexaully abused as a child. And unlike most people in that position, she.. SHE pulled herself out of her hell.

He's here for advice. He's on the fence but looking to jump ship. He needs to choose one or the other. If he's not going to see what he has done was wrong and make amends. Yes, he has rights to his shock and being upset about the video. But he is IN THE wrong to not talk to her about, and treat her like crap. It is punishment.

He needs to get completely OUT OF HER LIFE. NO CONTACT what-so-ever. Eventually someone is going to meet someone else and that poor boy will be more hurt. hudson is disrespecting that child by disrespecting his mother. If he cannot get over his "HANG UPS" or work on getting over it... then he needs to be gone from her life.
Yes they do exist, there are many people who only have sex in a serious relationship or marriage.
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post #143 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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The 12 year old boy is still at fault. Directly from her thread:



HE raped her from the start. HE brought HIS friends into the mix. HE used her to get HIS drugs. HE chose to film it and HE chose to share it. HE chose to have virtually no part of his sons life. HE chose to threaten and stalk her when she left him. Maybe his home life wasn't unicorns and rainbows, but seeing as his parents are the ones with rights to the child not the father/their son they can't be that screwed up. A judge wouldn't have granted them to be the supervisors of the child if they were unfit.
I believe he filmed it when they were 18.
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post #144 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I believe he filmed it when they were 18.
The best thing that could be said here is you pretty much have the same opinion of this woman that her ex-boyfriend does. You sure you want to be standing with him thinking that way?
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post #145 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 11:02 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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The best thing that could be said here is you pretty much have the same opinion of this woman that her ex-boyfriend does. You sure you want to be standing with him thinking that way?
I can understand him not wanting to marry someone who had multiple sexual partners. I don't have any specific opinion of her, its impossible for us to know exactly what happened.
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post #146 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 11:11 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I can understand him not wanting to marry someone who had multiple sexual partners. I don't have any specific opinion of her, its impossible for us to know exactly what happened.
Someone who was raped didn't have multiple sex partners, they were raped. Consenting to having sex and being raped are not the same thing. You cannot equate the two together. You do have an opinion of her, it's been made quite clear.
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post #147 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 11:27 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I can understand him not wanting to marry someone who had multiple sexual partners. I don't have any specific opinion of her, its impossible for us to know exactly what happened.
I'm talking about the ex who sent the tape and said "just thought you should know who your are marring."
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post #148 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:10 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

@Diana7 there is no point is stating the obvious to these other TAM members. They have no understanding or empathy for your viewpoint or mine for that matter. They simply don't value sex in marriage or a relationship the way you do. You will always be wrong on their mind because they don't accept your values.

I believe I see things the way you do and I believe @hudson does as well.


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post #149 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:47 AM
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I did not read her post but maybe she didnt tell you about her past because she knew you'd react this way. Her past is only for her to think about you shouldnt have just abandoned her for that and from what i read its obvious that you are still into her because you cant get her out of your mind. And look at the mess you made of her for juding her for something she might have regretted and thought about a fresh start with you.
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post #150 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:00 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@Diana7 there is no point is stating the obvious to these other TAM members. They have no understanding or empathy for your viewpoint or mine for that matter. They simply don't value sex in marriage or a relationship the way you do. You will always be wrong on their mind because they don't accept your values.

I believe I see things the way you do and I believe @hudson does as well.


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I value sex in a marriage/relationship. My wife and I have both had less than 5 partners, combined. I also have enough brain cells to separate rape from promiscuity. You cannot throw rape victims and promiscuous women into the same box. It's night and day. One type CHOSE to have sex, the other type was FORCED to have sex.
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