Reconciling with fiancée - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Hudson, was your ex a willing participant in all of those activities or did she go along with his needs and wants?
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post #17 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Hudson, was your ex a willing participant in all of those activities or did she go along with his needs and wants?
I guess most people would say that they just went along with it to make themselves look better in hindsight, but she didn't have to do it, most people would just say no and end the relationship. She stayed with him for a long time despite what they were doing.
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post #18 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Why are you picking up and dropping off her kid? You need to break this off clean and walk away. From what you have posted, this is a deal breaker for you. So man up and walk away.

Some have said that her past doesn't matter, or is none of your business. That is not true!!!! When you take this person as a mate, you also take all their emotional baggage and consequences of past bad behavior.

She should have been up front with you about her past, but she was not. You had to find out from a third party. That is a major red flag not to marry her. What else will she lie to you about in the future by omission. Walk away, learn from this, and be more careful in the future.
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post #19 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Post #141 is pretty relevant to the whole thing, and quite disturbing. I suggest everyone read it before judging. Then maybe you think she is lying, but if you don't I don't know how you could possibly see this as something other then someone who was very broken by her childhood. OP is probably gone for good at this point which is sad, the whole thing is sad. I really hope it's fake.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-29-2017 at 11:46 AM.
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post #20 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

I wish the OP would come back and verify if the LS post is from his GF. Did anyone who is blaming her here actually read her first post? She was NOT a willing adult participant. The ex was forcing himself on her when she was only 12 and sharing her out to other men when she was only 14! Yes she states she was 18 when he made the video but at that point she was probably so broken by the whole situation that she didn't see the point in fighting him. And if she was only with this SOB to get away from her FOO, I shudder to think what her home life must have been like.

OP if this is indeed your GF, I can certainly understand if you can't cope with her past but I do hope you realize what happened to her was child sexual abuse and even rape and NOT consensual adult sex.

I am horrified by the amount of sl*t shaming going on in that LS thread. I will never understand the "blame the victim" mentality.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #21 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Post #141 is pretty relevant to the whole thing, and quite disturbing. I suggest everyone read it before judging. Then maybe you think she is lying, but if you don't I don't know how you could possibly see this as something other then someone who was very broken by her childhood. OP is probably gone for good at this point which is sad, the whole thing is sad. I really hope it's fake.
I read it all and answered according to everything I knew at the time I posted my last post. What I keep reading has not changed what I wrote. He made his choice and it was valid for him. She made her choices and they were valid for her.

All choices have consequences regardless of how they came to be. It's a sad story, it's an unfair story. It's life. He doesn't deserve her. He needs to set her and her son free of his presence in their lives. It's the humane thing to do IMO. He can't have his cake and eat it too so to speak (cake being the child he states he loves like a son). He can't continue a relationship with HER son because it is detrimental to the child and to the well being of the relationship he needs to have with his mother.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #22 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I read it all and answered according to everything I knew at the time I posted my last post. What I keep reading has not changed what I wrote. He made his choice and it was valid for him. She made her choices and they were valid for her.

All choices have consequences regardless of how they came to be. It's a sad story, it's an unfair story. It's life. He doesn't deserve her. He needs to set her and her son free of his presence in their lives. It's the humane thing to do IMO. He can't have his cake and eat it too so to speak (cake being the child he states he loves like a son). He can't continue a relationship with HER son because it is detrimental to the child and to the well being of the relationship he needs to have with his mother.
I agree if he knows the whole story. Sounds like he is making these choices from a point of ignorance of the facts.
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post #23 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I agree if he knows the whole story. Sounds like he is making these choices from a point of ignorance of the facts.
We are making a lot of assumptions here. The woman on the other forum may or may not be OP X-fiancee. If she is, he may have already read the story and that hasn't changed what he feels enough to overcome what his head keeps spinning around in it. Will he see it differently later? How much later? Is fence sitting something she wants to do and wait this out while he dates others and entertains his need to continue a relationship with HER boy? Meanwhile, why does he get to cake eat when it comes to HER son if he has already moved on by dating others? In other words, he is not fence sitting, he is moving on. He believes she is waiting for him and is sad and wants to get back together. Well, that's not what she posted. If she is the woman he was going to marry, then she knows he is dating others and has moved on. She wants him all in or he needs to leave her and her son alone.

He made choices after seeing the video. She is making choices too after knowing he is out there dating others.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #24 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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We are making a lot of assumptions here. The woman on the other forum may or may not be OP X-fiancee. If she is, he may have already read the story and that hasn't changed what he feels enough to overcome what his head keeps spinning around in it. Will he see it differently later? How much later? Is fence sitting something she wants to do and wait this out while he dates others and entertains his need to continue a relationship with HER boy? Meanwhile, why does he get to cake eat when it comes to HER son if he has already moved on by dating others? In other words, he is not fence sitting, he is moving on. He believes she is waiting for him and is sad and wants to get back together. Well, that's not what she posted. If she is the woman he was going to marry, then she knows he is dating others and has moved on. She wants him all in or he needs to leave her and her son alone.

He made choices after seeing the video. She is making choices too after knowing he is out there dating others.
Yeah the situation is messed up, for sure. I think I could get over this due to the circumstances though it would take a lot of work, I don't think I could if this was just her sowing he wild oats so to speak. I understand if he can't though. Sexual abuse is toxic and causes generational destruction.
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post #25 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:35 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

If it is the same girl in LS then the XBF was a pedophile who used her.

OP if you didn't take the time to find out the truth then you are not worthy of her. If you knew this and stil behaved the way you did by dumping her, you are a cad who is only concerned about your own ego.

That poor girl probably thinks all men are abusers and users and you have done nothing to prove her wrong.

If the girl is not the same, you must take the time to find out was she a willing participant ( a child cannot be a willing participant) AND have you asked yourself why her XBF gave you the information, I assume it was not because he was worried about you, he had an ulterior motive, think about it CONTROL.
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post #26 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 04:32 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Wow.

I think the bottom line comes down to 2 things:

1. Why did she do this? If she did it because she was weak and manipulated into doing it by her ex and she hates that she did it and didn't enjoy it, then you probably don't have to worry about her repeating that in the future. On the other hand if she did enjoy it and find it exciting or hot or whatever, then there is always the risk of her turning back into that woman.

2. Can you get past it mentally, knowing she did that? I imagine some people could and some couldn't. It would be tragic for both of you to marry if part of you felt she was less than other women because of her past.

As far as her "lying" - or omitting this past - I don't know... It's always easy to sit behind a keyboard and say what other people SHOULD do, but really, most people have done things they are ashamed of, and most people hide them. And with good reason - they are afraid of being rejected by those who learn the truth. I'm not saying most women have had group sex like this, it's definitely an extreme situation, just saying that I would not consider her a liar or untrustworthy in general because she didn't tell you. She didn't tell you because she was afraid she'd lose you.

And by the way - if that story that someone linked IS her story - and you found out by her ex sending you the videos? Well that does show what a sick, cruel, controlling, f*ck he is. And if she started seeing him when she was only 12? He probably did have her totally mind-screwed.
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post #27 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 04:36 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I AND have you asked yourself why her XBF gave you the information, I assume it was not because he was worried about you, he had an ulterior motive, think about it CONTROL.
Exactly.

She escaped his clutches and had found happiness and love plus a real father for her son, and he absolutely could not stand that.
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post #28 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 05:14 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

I have not viewed the LS post. I may make some points about it from what people are already saying.
But my opinions here at this point is about what the OP has said (I will note when I am referencing LS).

Dear OP. That seems to have happened years ago and that she didn't tell you out of shame. Now most guys do NOT understand women completely, we never will. But we do need to talk to them and understand their actions sometimes. Hell, my wife has done that. Done things she DID NOT want to do, to make me happy - but in reality, I never would have done or do things she doesn't want to. So she was hurting, but didn't want to "lose me" or make me upset.
I think she met you, after a few dates and liking you, falling in love - knowing HOW you are so black & white on sex - that she couldn't tell you. As you have stated, that sexual number and doing gangbangs were beyond your comfort level.

Think about this. Your path with this women was due to her PAST. Everything that happened before - lead you to her TODAY.
I think you are being hard on her, and if she has been honest and faithful otherwise - then I think YOU are in the wrong. You had no control of her past.

About the xBF: all of the sudden *HE* springs this on you? He may be dumb - but he gotcha. He planned this when you and her got engaged. People do this kind of crap ALL THE TIME. They want something for themselves and will hurt others. Hell, a crazy woman told my wife lied about ME - which help break us apart last spring. crazy woman also wanted sex with my wife and other strange crap. (LS: seems like he should be in jail)

Either you need to stop seeing the kid (and therefore this woman) AND say you are sorry and won't see her again OR you need to APOLOGIZE and go to couples counseling with her. Sorry, it sucks that the xBF showed you video of sex acts. But view it as watching a crime. Don't be such a typical political jerk and punish the victim. (referring to women last year that were raped and yet their rapists get off with a slap on the wrists)

If the LS story is true (Again, I don't know it) or that was her past and she is done with it out of shame - and that she feel in love with you and has been faithful to you all this time. Then you are likely throwing away a good thing. You are punishing her for something that was in the past and that you were both played with by the xBF... who wants to HURT you, and destroy her. You are HURTING her big time. Guys like that will tell her "See, you are trash. you only deserve scum like me."

You need to be the better person, because right now - she is far more hurt than you are - and you are in control of the pain of both of you.
Get therapy for the both of you. Don't break someone's heart for stupid reasons.

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post #29 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 05:22 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

One thing I don't read in her post (if it's hers) is blameshifting. She takes responsibility, was even proactive about getting therapy once pregnant.

She seems like a resilient young woman who made some poor choices and was coerced and groomed from the age of 12. By 18,she is still not going to have the ability to rationalize beyond what her ex expected of her. Her father was an abuser, her mother dead, her ex was probably all she knew.

The OP is free to make his own choices but i hope he at least tries to understand things from her perspective.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #30 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 06:13 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Okay, I just read the post on LS. If its the same woman as the OP's fiancee...

Then I say, she could do better. She deserves someone better. I have little sympathy for a bigot. (tsk tsk: all white people have black DNA)
What she posted on #141 and #168... horrible and heartbreaking.

Self-righteous are NOT good people just because they say they are. But the woman over there is totally in love with her ex-fiancee - and his structured way of things is something she liked. Being ridged, bigoted and some ways mean, are not good qualities to children. If this woman's ex-F's friends are posting such vile stuff about her - well, that's deplorable on them.

Not giving her a chance to explain herself... but taking the word of a junkie that sees her son 1-2 times a year. Won't give up his parental rights, yeah that is a manipulator. He keeps her on his leash that way. Hopefully she'll meet someone better who is understanding and will love her. She sounds strong, smart and worthy of respect.

OP... get therapy, become a better person. You've got a lot of work to do on yourself. (LS thread or not - because of you as you posted here, you NEVER allowed her to tell HER SIDE of the story. You didn't give her a chance. )

If YOU decide to go back to her. PLEASE PLEASE get therapy as a couple and for yourself. Otherwise, you are wasting HER time (and her son's feelings) with you.
Be a better man.

God knows we need better people on this planet.

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