Reconciling with fiancée - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
If it is the same girl in LS then the XBF was a pedophile who used her.

OP if you didn't take the time to find out the truth then you are not worthy of her. If you knew this and stil behaved the way you did by dumping her, you are a cad who is only concerned about your own ego.

That poor girl probably thinks all men are abusers and users and you have done nothing to prove her wrong.

If the girl is not the same, you must take the time to find out was she a willing participant ( a child cannot be a willing participant) AND have you asked yourself why her XBF gave you the information, I assume it was not because he was worried about you, he had an ulterior motive, think about it CONTROL.
No that doesn't sound like the story. I gave you the post and even the most important post number to read. Why not get the facts before you call anyone a cad. OP hasn't done anything wrong. This is a terrible situation for everyone.
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post #32 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Wow.

I think the bottom line comes down to 2 things:

1. Why did she do this? If she did it because she was weak and manipulated into doing it by her ex and she hates that she did it and didn't enjoy it, then you probably don't have to worry about her repeating that in the future. On the other hand if she did enjoy it and find it exciting or hot or whatever, then there is always the risk of her turning back into that woman.

2. Can you get past it mentally, knowing she did that? I imagine some people could and some couldn't. It would be tragic for both of you to marry if part of you felt she was less than other women because of her past.

As far as her "lying" - or omitting this past - I don't know... It's always easy to sit behind a keyboard and say what other people SHOULD do, but really, most people have done things they are ashamed of, and most people hide them. And with good reason - they are afraid of being rejected by those who learn the truth. I'm not saying most women have had group sex like this, it's definitely an extreme situation, just saying that I would not consider her a liar or untrustworthy in general because she didn't tell you. She didn't tell you because she was afraid she'd lose you.

And by the way - if that story that someone linked IS her story - and you found out by her ex sending you the videos? Well that does show what a sick, cruel, controlling, f*ck he is. And if she started seeing him when she was only 12? He probably did have her totally mind-screwed.
She says that when they started dating he told her didn't care about her past and didn't' want to know about it. He just didn't know he was going to end up getting a video of all the gory details. From her perspective not having to talk about that part of her life probably seemed like hitting the jackpot. She probably thought he didn't really care enough to investigate and was giving her a fresh start.

However, because of the horrific nature of it, she probably would have been better served to at least give some idea that she was abused and did things in her past she was not proud of. At least it wouldn't be a total shock and his first impression wouldn't have been shaped by her monstrous ex.
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post #33 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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One thing I don't read in her post (if it's hers) is blameshifting. She takes responsibility, was even proactive about getting therapy once pregnant
I agree she is actually to be admired. Like I said in the other posts she should be dead, many would not survive this. Her love for her son is what has kept her. Most would have given up. She is a fighter. I hope she finds a Man who will fight for her a little so she can rest for a while. Doesn't seem to have been one Man in her whole life that has. They all just saw her as an object for sex, at least until this guy came along.
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post #34 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
I wish the OP would come back and verify if the LS post is from his GF. Did anyone who is blaming her here actually read her first post? She was NOT a willing adult participant. The ex was forcing himself on her when she was only 12 and sharing her out to other men when she was only 14! Yes she states she was 18 when he made the video but at that point she was probably so broken by the whole situation that she didn't see the point in fighting him. And if she was only with this SOB to get away from her FOO, I shudder to think what her home life must have been like.

OP if this is indeed your GF, I can certainly understand if you can't cope with her past but I do hope you realize what happened to her was child sexual abuse and even rape and NOT consensual adult sex.

I am horrified by the amount of sl*t shaming going on in that LS thread. I will never understand the "blame the victim" mentality.
Maybe because we don't know if she was a victim or not. You are making assumptions that no woman would ever act that way unless forced into it, which of course is untrue.
If it is the case that she was only 12, then this is completely different, but that wasnt the impression I got from the ops original post, and it certainly wasnt what she appeared to say to him when he found out. She could have just explained that she was a child and was forced into it, then they could have reported him to the police, and the OP would have been far more understanding and accepting.
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post #35 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Maybe because we don't know if she was a victim or not. You are making assumptions that no woman would ever act that way unless forced into it, which of course is untrue.
If it is the case that she was only 12, then this is completely different, but that wasnt the impression I got from the ops original post, and it certainly wasnt what she appeared to say to him when he found out. She could have just explained that she was a child and was forced into it, then they could have reported him to the police, and the OP would have been far more understanding and accepting.
That's funny, because I interpreted her post exactly the opposite of you. Reading the entire thread reinforced my initial perception. This tells me there's likely a lot of projection going on in this thread.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #36 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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That's funny, because I interpreted her post exactly the opposite of you. Reading the entire thread reinforced my initial perception. This tells me there's likely a lot of projection going on in this thread.
I am talking about the Op's post, and no, no projection on my part.
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post #37 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 04:46 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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That is a predicament. I would like to attempt to reconcile and have a happy relationship again, however I don't know if that's even possible. I don't want to get her hopes up to crush them again when I am not able to stick with it. Trust would also be problematic, I imagine on her end as well. It's not something that I can even talk to her about without getting her hopes up. If she sees a glimpse of hope, or even if she doesn't, she runs with it and hopes that I'm changing my mind. I try to remain as emotionless as possible around her, which in turn causes her to believe I'm not interested at all. Hurting her is the last thing that I want.
Woke up with this thought.

1 - YOU never had the decency to give her 5 minutes to EXPLAIN herself. Think about how that does NOT make you a strong, honest or respectable.

2 - You *are* messing with her by seeing her when you interact with HER son, and giving her nothing but coldness. I mean, I can understand a few days to process this nightmare but... geez, 2 months? Only thing you have done is HURT HER GREATLY. If you are a religious person, I don't think Jesus would agree.

3 - You talk about the mind-movies of watching the video, that it can't be UNSEEN. Okay, now what about HER nightmare of being raped for most of her teenage years. Being told she was only worthy of being a sex object. You are NOT helping. She is a much stronger person than you.

4 - I stand by my earlier statement. If you figure out the wrong you have done and have the guts to face her - you apologize with everything in your being for your actions. Imagine *IF* you have a daughter or even a son - would you be like a religious extremist and throw them out of your home because they got raped and it's their fault? Put yourself *IN HER PLACE*. Or at least tell her that YOU are not good enough for her, you are not strong enough to deal with her past and be on your way.

5 - GO get therpy, read books and make an effort to be a better human being. So you will have some respect for your future wife, this woman or some other person.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #38 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:47 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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How can you possibly know that she was taken advantage of? She may well have been an equally willing participant in this, and also she wasn't honest, she never told him what she had done. She kept it secret all this time. He found out through another person.She wasnt a little girl being abused, but an adult who willingly went out with this man for a long time and willingly took part in sex with many partners. She could have left him any time.

Yes it is relevant what we have done in the past, especially if we are going to get married and have children.They should be no sordid secrets in marriage.
I would wonder what else she was keeping from me in his place.I can understand his position, I wouldn't marry a man who thought it was ok to act that way, and I wouldn't trust a man who had lied about it, and would probably have married me keeping that to himself.
She was with him from age 12 - 19...she was a little girl. She was never with him as a legal adult - at least in the US, the legal age of adulthood is 21 is that right? Correct me if I'm wrong.

The LS post is heartbreaking...she was just a little girl, and was used and abused over and over. Getting pregnant is what shocked her out of it and she seems to be a good and loving mum to her child.
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post #39 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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She was with him from age 12 - 19...she was a little girl. She was never with him as a legal adult - at least in the US, the legal age of adulthood is 21 is that right? Correct me if I'm wrong.

The LS post is heartbreaking...she was just a little girl, and was used and abused over and over. Getting pregnant is what shocked her out of it and she seems to be a good and loving mum to her child.
Do we know that was her?

Not sure about the USA. Adulthood in the UK is 18 and sex is allowed from 16 although many have sex before then sadly.

If she was a child then I cant understand why she didn't tell him that when he found out, and then they could gone to the police together, because this man needs to be kept away from other girls. its highly likely he has abused many more since then. .

Last edited by Diana7; 01-31-2017 at 07:10 AM.
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post #40 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Do we know that was her?

Not sure about the USA. Adulthood in the UK is 18 and sex is allowed from 16 although many have sex before then sadly.

If she was a child then I cant understand why she didn't tell him that when he found out, and then they could gone to the police together, because this man needs to be kept away from other girls. its highly likely he has abused many more since then. .
She's in Canada and she's already been told by multiple lawyers that she doesn't have a case. From what she said, the age of consent in Canada at the time this happened to her was only 14 which is disgusting. Apparently it's 16 now. And I think she said the guy was 6 years older so he was a legal adult when it started.

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post #41 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:53 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Are there any REAL MEN in this woman's life!! I am not even talking romantic, every one of them has failed her. It makes me SO angry!
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post #42 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
She's in Canada and she's already been told by multiple lawyers that she doesn't have a case. From what she said, the age of consent in Canada at the time this happened to her was only 14 which is disgusting. Apparently it's 16 now. And I think she said the guy was 6 years older so he was a legal adult when it started.
if it is her, and we don't know that, I thought she was 12 when it started?

It would definitely be investigated in the Uk if she was only 12. I thought that this wasn't that long ago?. When did the law change?. I am surprised that Canada would have such a low age of consent so recently.Mind you I know a couple in the USA who married recently age 15 and 16. Seems crazy to me, but there you go.

If she was forced and manipulated then I think she needs to go to the police not a lawyer.

Still not sure this is the same lady though.
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post #43 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Wow a ton of speculation. From what we know I don't blame you for ending things.

If you want to confirm or deny this other thread is related to her then I might change my post. But since you haven't I'm not swayed by the speculation of others. The internet is a very big place...


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post #44 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 07:51 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

@hudson, feel like coming back and setting the record straight for us?

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post #45 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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if it is her, and we don't know that, I thought she was 12 when it started?

It would definitely be investigated in the Uk if she was only 12. I thought that this wasn't that long ago?. When did the law change?. I am surprised that Canada would have such a low age of consent so recently.Mind you I know a couple in the USA who married recently age 15 and 16. Seems crazy to me, but there you go.

If she was forced and manipulated then I think she needs to go to the police not a lawyer.

Still not sure this is the same lady though.
This kind of abuse doesn't just start at this level it takes years of grooming to get to the point where anyway is able to go this far against what at one time would seem too far. If you start dating a guy at 12 who is raping you, no doubt you are going to end up in a bad way.
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