It is not simply that she lied. It is the magnitude of her lies, or omission if you prefer.
Throughout our friendship and courtship she never strayed from the belief that her XBF was our son's biological father. When our son was conceived she was having intercourse with up to 18 men who didn't wear condoms. She refuses to have a DNA test to confirm that. There is no reason to deny the test but many reasons to do it. There would be no way to figure out who the biological father is, she wouldn't have to send our son to see her XBF. Our son hates seeing the XBF and it isn't healthy for him. She could cease all contact with the XBF and move. She should do everything that she can to protect our son, not keep ties to her XBF. If he truly abused her as badly as she claims, she would do everything in her power to get away from him. The XBF has never fought paternity because he wants to keep her around.
She has continued to let that time in her life rule the rest of her life. By keeping her XBF in her, our, life. By letting us be neighbours to someone she use screw. Who wants to live next door to their rapist? I suspect that no woman would be comfortable with that and would move as quickly as possible. She is comfortable living so close to this man and having our son around him and pretending everything is hunkey dorey. How can she be ok living next to someone she knows liked to rape children? Or see that he has children and not report it?
She agreed to marry me knowing dang well what she was hiding. How long would she have kept this hidden? I reckon it never would have come out. When it finally did come out, she went a pitched a hissy fit. She might not be stupid but she is acting like she doesn't have the sense god gave a goose. She wants all of this information to just vanish and for us to go back to living together and pretending the information never came to light. She seems to believe that I didn't have the right to know what I was truly marrying into, what I would be bringing more children into.
She can say whatever she wants, at the end of the day her actions are not lining up with what spews out of her mouth.
Her XBF was not 6 years older than she was, so if that is something she has been telling people then it is a lie to try and make her situation seem worse. They were the same age, maybe a years difference. She either lied to others to make her situation seem worse or lied to me, both of which are believable. She has lied over the entire time period I have known her. She had so many opportunities to bring this up or even share a small detail, so many times that she lied (by omission or otherwise). Everything that she said to cover up this massive part of her life was a lie. It circles back to, I have no idea who I spent the last 3 years with and who I planned to marry.
It is not so much what her past entails, it is how it came to light. A massive amount of information was dropped without any suspect. I was blindsided and I am aware that I could have, or should have, responded better.
I still want to be with her but there is a massive boulder sitting in the way and the big question, is it even possible to come back from this. Or do I only want to be with her because I miss her and I'm not over her yet. I do not want to go in and out of her life and repeatedly hurt her.
RE: the post on that other website, I have not read it nor will I. It is a massive invasion of privacy and what she has wanted me to know, she has told me. I have had enough lessons with obtaining information for another source.
Regarding our neighbour, she could have told me that he was someone she had sex with in the past. That in itself would not have been the end of the world. Allow me that knowledge before it came up in another way. Or if it was how she says, that he raped her, I would rather move than live near her rapist and have her live in discomfort. She wasn't uncomfortable, though. That's the problem. She told me that she had sex with him weekly for 5 years and he has video proof of their sexual escapades, but that he doesn't remember or recognize her. Right. I recognize people who I simply went to primary school with and haven't seen in 25 years but I'm suppose to believe he doesn't recognize someone he had sex with approximately 260 times and filmed it? Her reasoning for not telling me was that she didn't want to move due to liking the area and being in a good school district, and that she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.
Regarding our son, she has been told by two lawyers that if a DNA test confirmed the XBF is not the biological father she could possibly have his rights terminated. The child and the father have no relationship. The father has only been granted visitation bi-monthly. That visitation time is limited to a few hours and is supervised. He has attended <20% of the granted visitation and has never been in attendance for school or sport events.
She has ties to her past life that she refuses to sever. Maybe that past life isn't in the past at all and is very much still part of her present life. Due to the amount of lies that she has said over the years to cover this up, I am unable to believe anything that she says. Especially when her actions don't match her words. She continuously puts our son at risk and she could end that. That could be the worse part of all of this.
OK, this additional information makes me suspect that there's more to her story (on the other site) than she posts.
Frankly, don't let these knuckleheads who try to shame you change your mind.
YOU DON'T OWE ANYBODY ANY MARRIAGE. You have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to have any criteria you want for your wife.
For me, the lying would be enough. NO ONE, not even my spouse, gets to decide for me what "counts" and what "doesn't count" or "what I need to know or don't need to know." If a person cannot be COMPLETELY honest about things that MATTER to me (and believe me, it's obvious from the other site that she knew this would matter to you), then I cannot live with them as a spouse. Yes, they can always say they don't want to tell me/it's too personal/don't feel spouses have the right to that information, and they are entitled to that opinion. But then go our separate ways, don't lie by commission or by omission about things they know d**n well are unacceptable,
So I back you--or anyone---in refusing to get married for ANY criteria. There's over 7 billion people on the planet, so there's someone else as match out there if the "non-negotiable" items can't be overcome. There is no need to compromise on what is important to you.