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post #61 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 01:55 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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It was noted she was 12 and he was 6 years older.
I guess I missed the part in which she specified that he was 6 years older. I didn't see it. I apologize.

10 years ago, 20 years ago, etc- that *is wrong*. He was already an adult having sex with a child as a "girlfriend" - and with that kind of control, yeah- he could get her to do anything. The courts should have seen it as rape and have no statute of limitations which should have resulted in him being sent to prison.

And with *THAT* - the OP should have known that the exBF was pretty much a druggie child-molester and understand how much damage an 18yr old can do to the mind of a 12 year old who was already being raped by her family.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #62 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

It is not simply that she lied. It is the magnitude of her lies, or omission if you prefer.

Throughout our friendship and courtship she never strayed from the belief that her XBF was our son's biological father. When our son was conceived she was having intercourse with up to 18 men who didn't wear condoms. She refuses to have a DNA test to confirm that. There is no reason to deny the test but many reasons to do it. There would be no way to figure out who the biological father is, she wouldn't have to send our son to see her XBF. Our son hates seeing the XBF and it isn't healthy for him. She could cease all contact with the XBF and move. She should do everything that she can to protect our son, not keep ties to her XBF. If he truly abused her as badly as she claims, she would do everything in her power to get away from him. The XBF has never fought paternity because he wants to keep her around.

She has continued to let that time in her life rule the rest of her life. By keeping her XBF in her, our, life. By letting us be neighbours to someone she use screw. Who wants to live next door to their rapist? I suspect that no woman would be comfortable with that and would move as quickly as possible. She is comfortable living so close to this man and having our son around him and pretending everything is hunkey dorey. How can she be ok living next to someone she knows liked to rape children? Or see that he has children and not report it?

She agreed to marry me knowing dang well what she was hiding. How long would she have kept this hidden? I reckon it never would have come out. When it finally did come out, she went a pitched a hissy fit. She might not be stupid but she is acting like she doesn't have the sense god gave a goose. She wants all of this information to just vanish and for us to go back to living together and pretending the information never came to light. She seems to believe that I didn't have the right to know what I was truly marrying into, what I would be bringing more children into.

She can say whatever she wants, at the end of the day her actions are not lining up with what spews out of her mouth.

Her XBF was not 6 years older than she was, so if that is something she has been telling people then it is a lie to try and make her situation seem worse. They were the same age, maybe a years difference. She either lied to others to make her situation seem worse or lied to me, both of which are believable. She has lied over the entire time period I have known her. She had so many opportunities to bring this up or even share a small detail, so many times that she lied (by omission or otherwise). Everything that she said to cover up this massive part of her life was a lie. It circles back to, I have no idea who I spent the last 3 years with and who I planned to marry.

It is not so much what her past entails, it is how it came to light. A massive amount of information was dropped without any suspect. I was blindsided and I am aware that I could have, or should have, responded better.

I still want to be with her but there is a massive boulder sitting in the way and the big question, is it even possible to come back from this. Or do I only want to be with her because I miss her and I'm not over her yet. I do not want to go in and out of her life and repeatedly hurt her.

RE: the post on that other website, I have not read it nor will I. It is a massive invasion of privacy and what she has wanted me to know, she has told me. I have had enough lessons with obtaining information for another source.
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post #63 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Hudson,

that is not a boulder that is freaking house between you too......your that guy...the guy where everyone including his wife is on the joke but him....every time you saw the neighbor little did you know he was doing your girlfriend...this can seriously mess with your head....and BTW you know the old adage....you got to sleep with everyone she slept with....that sucks...here is the bottom if she can hold a secret like this from you for all that time, can you trust her, once the marriage gets boring... 10 years from now, 15 years from now...when she si looking at you and saying to herself...i need more excitement. walk away...just walk away and be happy you dodged a bullet.
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post #64 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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It is not simply that she lied. It is the magnitude of her lies, or omission if you prefer.

Throughout our friendship and courtship she never strayed from the belief that her XBF was our son's biological father. When our son was conceived she was having intercourse with up to 18 men who didn't wear condoms. She refuses to have a DNA test to confirm that. There is no reason to deny the test but many reasons to do it. There would be no way to figure out who the biological father is, she wouldn't have to send our son to see her XBF. Our son hates seeing the XBF and it isn't healthy for him. She could cease all contact with the XBF and move. She should do everything that she can to protect our son, not keep ties to her XBF. If he truly abused her as badly as she claims, she would do everything in her power to get away from him. The XBF has never fought paternity because he wants to keep her around.

She has continued to let that time in her life rule the rest of her life. By keeping her XBF in her, our, life. By letting us be neighbours to someone she use screw. Who wants to live next door to their rapist? I suspect that no woman would be comfortable with that and would move as quickly as possible. She is comfortable living so close to this man and having our son around him and pretending everything is hunkey dorey. How can she be ok living next to someone she knows liked to rape children? Or see that he has children and not report it?

She agreed to marry me knowing dang well what she was hiding. How long would she have kept this hidden? I reckon it never would have come out. When it finally did come out, she went a pitched a hissy fit. She might not be stupid but she is acting like she doesn't have the sense god gave a goose. She wants all of this information to just vanish and for us to go back to living together and pretending the information never came to light. She seems to believe that I didn't have the right to know what I was truly marrying into, what I would be bringing more children into.

She can say whatever she wants, at the end of the day her actions are not lining up with what spews out of her mouth.

Her XBF was not 6 years older than she was, so if that is something she has been telling people then it is a lie to try and make her situation seem worse. They were the same age, maybe a years difference. She either lied to others to make her situation seem worse or lied to me, both of which are believable. She has lied over the entire time period I have known her. She had so many opportunities to bring this up or even share a small detail, so many times that she lied (by omission or otherwise). Everything that she said to cover up this massive part of her life was a lie. It circles back to, I have no idea who I spent the last 3 years with and who I planned to marry.

It is not so much what her past entails, it is how it came to light. A massive amount of information was dropped without any suspect. I was blindsided and I am aware that I could have, or should have, responded better.

I still want to be with her but there is a massive boulder sitting in the way and the big question, is it even possible to come back from this. Or do I only want to be with her because I miss her and I'm not over her yet. I do not want to go in and out of her life and repeatedly hurt her.

RE: the post on that other website, I have not read it nor will I. It is a massive invasion of privacy and what she has wanted me to know, she has told me. I have had enough lessons with obtaining information for another source.
I think we all understand. If the dude has custody of the kid though there is not much she can do. A DNA test won't change that as far as the state is concerned. However if she lived next door to a guy who was a part of this that would be a red flag to me too. If it is like you say then it's worse then her post made out. This may not be intentional it's a hard thing for both of you. I'm sorry dude.

If you are going to get over her, you need to stop contacting her. I feel the worst for the kid.
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post #65 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:45 PM
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post #66 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Regarding our neighbour, she could have told me that he was someone she had sex with in the past. That in itself would not have been the end of the world. Allow me that knowledge before it came up in another way. Or if it was how she says, that he raped her, I would rather move than live near her rapist and have her live in discomfort. She wasn't uncomfortable, though. That's the problem. She told me that she had sex with him weekly for 5 years and he has video proof of their sexual escapades, but that he doesn't remember or recognize her. Right. I recognize people who I simply went to primary school with and haven't seen in 25 years but I'm suppose to believe he doesn't recognize someone he had sex with approximately 260 times and filmed it? Her reasoning for not telling me was that she didn't want to move due to liking the area and being in a good school district, and that she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

Regarding our son, she has been told by two lawyers that if a DNA test confirmed the XBF is not the biological father she could possibly have his rights terminated. The child and the father have no relationship. The father has only been granted visitation bi-monthly. That visitation time is limited to a few hours and is supervised. He has attended <20% of the granted visitation and has never been in attendance for school or sport events.

She has ties to her past life that she refuses to sever. Maybe that past life isn't in the past at all and is very much still part of her present life. Due to the amount of lies that she has said over the years to cover this up, I am unable to believe anything that she says. Especially when her actions don't match her words. She continuously puts our son at risk and she could end that. That could be the worse part of all of this.
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post #67 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:23 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I was with my fiancée for 3 years and we have been separated for 2 months. Our engagement was pathetically short, less than a week before we separated. Our engagement didn't end due to anything she or I did in the present, it ended over something that occurred in her past that she hid from me and I discovered through a 3rd party. That 3rd party being her long term XBF that she was with for IDK 8-9 years. What she did is something that I have no respect for, and while it's hard to process the lying was worse. In the duration of her relationship with her XBF they opened the relationship to a couple dozen males and she willingly participated in frequent group sex. She presented herself as a woman who had sexual relations with a small handful of men and it was quite the misrepresentation. I'm not a man who has had sex with a large array of women. By my own decision I have only had any sort of intimacy with 5 women. That is how I was raised and where my beliefs lie, intimacy isn't something to hand out to anyone. It was a massive shock to have that information thrown at me, unsuspected. There was visual evidence to go along with it and though I tried not to look at it I was unsuccessful. Now, it is something that I cannot erase from my mind. Knowing your partner has been with other men is one game, having the visual of 4 blokes stuffed inside her and her enjoying it is another. She has been understanding and gracious during this time. She is incredibly hurt and is trying to heal while staying open to reconciliation.

She has a young child and unfortunately with the XBF mentioned above. This fellow is an idiot. There is a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than he has. He is the legal father of the child though he has no role in the child's life. I have always been close with the child and my ex has selflessly allowed me to continue that with visits. Walking away from that child would feel no different than any other present father walking away from his child.

I have been seeing new women and while I'm enjoying my time with them I cannot get my ex off my mind and have not been able to take things further with them. She is always lingering on the back of my mind. I don't talk to her and I don't see her aside from the few minutes it takes to pick up and drop off her child. Normally I would say our child but that could get confusing here. When I do see her nearly every time she is an emotional disaster. I make attempts to ignore it, be emotionless and do the exchange because I don't want to lead her on. I have been trying to move on and when we have been forced to be around each other for longer periods there is a lot of hot and cold behaviours occurring on my end. I know that confuses her.

Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was close. The parts of our relationship that were a bit harder were not deal breakers, at least not to me. What I learned about her shook up the relationship and eventually ended it, but I cannot get her off my mind and the desire to reconcile.

Is this a bad idea? Does it ever work out? The last thing that I want is to hurt her more. I don't want to try to reconcile just to walk again in a month or two.
Start over, just don't do it.
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post #68 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:26 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Regarding our neighbour, she could have told me that he was someone she had sex with in the past. That in itself would not have been the end of the world. Allow me that knowledge before it came up in another way. Or if it was how she says, that he raped her, I would rather move than live near her rapist and have her live in discomfort. She wasn't uncomfortable, though. That's the problem. She told me that she had sex with him weekly for 5 years and he has video proof of their sexual escapades, but that he doesn't remember or recognize her. Right. I recognize people who I simply went to primary school with and haven't seen in 25 years but I'm suppose to believe he doesn't recognize someone he had sex with approximately 260 times and filmed it? Her reasoning for not telling me was that she didn't want to move due to liking the area and being in a good school district, and that she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

Regarding our son, she has been told by two lawyers that if a DNA test confirmed the XBF is not the biological father she could possibly have his rights terminated. The child and the father have no relationship. The father has only been granted visitation bi-monthly. That visitation time is limited to a few hours and is supervised. He has attended <20% of the granted visitation and has never been in attendance for school or sport events.

She has ties to her past life that she refuses to sever. Maybe that past life isn't in the past at all and is very much still part of her present life. Due to the amount of lies that she has said over the years to cover this up, I am unable to believe anything that she says. Especially when her actions don't match her words. She continuously puts our son at risk and she could end that. That could be the worse part of all of this.
Why do you call him our son. From her post this is her child from with that guy. You are not even married, though you do take very good care of him and are very close to him.

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post #69 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:53 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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It is not simply that she lied. It is the magnitude of her lies, or omission if you prefer.

Throughout our friendship and courtship she never strayed from the belief that her XBF was our son's biological father. When our son was conceived she was having intercourse with up to 18 men who didn't wear condoms. She refuses to have a DNA test to confirm that. There is no reason to deny the test but many reasons to do it. There would be no way to figure out who the biological father is, she wouldn't have to send our son to see her XBF. Our son hates seeing the XBF and it isn't healthy for him. She could cease all contact with the XBF and move. She should do everything that she can to protect our son, not keep ties to her XBF. If he truly abused her as badly as she claims, she would do everything in her power to get away from him. The XBF has never fought paternity because he wants to keep her around.

She has continued to let that time in her life rule the rest of her life. By keeping her XBF in her, our, life. By letting us be neighbours to someone she use screw. Who wants to live next door to their rapist? I suspect that no woman would be comfortable with that and would move as quickly as possible. She is comfortable living so close to this man and having our son around him and pretending everything is hunkey dorey. How can she be ok living next to someone she knows liked to rape children? Or see that he has children and not report it?

She agreed to marry me knowing dang well what she was hiding. How long would she have kept this hidden? I reckon it never would have come out. When it finally did come out, she went a pitched a hissy fit. She might not be stupid but she is acting like she doesn't have the sense god gave a goose. She wants all of this information to just vanish and for us to go back to living together and pretending the information never came to light. She seems to believe that I didn't have the right to know what I was truly marrying into, what I would be bringing more children into.

She can say whatever she wants, at the end of the day her actions are not lining up with what spews out of her mouth.

Her XBF was not 6 years older than she was, so if that is something she has been telling people then it is a lie to try and make her situation seem worse. They were the same age, maybe a years difference. She either lied to others to make her situation seem worse or lied to me, both of which are believable. She has lied over the entire time period I have known her. She had so many opportunities to bring this up or even share a small detail, so many times that she lied (by omission or otherwise). Everything that she said to cover up this massive part of her life was a lie. It circles back to, I have no idea who I spent the last 3 years with and who I planned to marry.

It is not so much what her past entails, it is how it came to light. A massive amount of information was dropped without any suspect. I was blindsided and I am aware that I could have, or should have, responded better.

I still want to be with her but there is a massive boulder sitting in the way and the big question, is it even possible to come back from this. Or do I only want to be with her because I miss her and I'm not over her yet. I do not want to go in and out of her life and repeatedly hurt her.

RE: the post on that other website, I have not read it nor will I. It is a massive invasion of privacy and what she has wanted me to know, she has told me. I have had enough lessons with obtaining information for another source.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hudson View Post
Regarding our neighbour, she could have told me that he was someone she had sex with in the past. That in itself would not have been the end of the world. Allow me that knowledge before it came up in another way. Or if it was how she says, that he raped her, I would rather move than live near her rapist and have her live in discomfort. She wasn't uncomfortable, though. That's the problem. She told me that she had sex with him weekly for 5 years and he has video proof of their sexual escapades, but that he doesn't remember or recognize her. Right. I recognize people who I simply went to primary school with and haven't seen in 25 years but I'm suppose to believe he doesn't recognize someone he had sex with approximately 260 times and filmed it? Her reasoning for not telling me was that she didn't want to move due to liking the area and being in a good school district, and that she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

Regarding our son, she has been told by two lawyers that if a DNA test confirmed the XBF is not the biological father she could possibly have his rights terminated. The child and the father have no relationship. The father has only been granted visitation bi-monthly. That visitation time is limited to a few hours and is supervised. He has attended <20% of the granted visitation and has never been in attendance for school or sport events.

She has ties to her past life that she refuses to sever. Maybe that past life isn't in the past at all and is very much still part of her present life. Due to the amount of lies that she has said over the years to cover this up, I am unable to believe anything that she says. Especially when her actions don't match her words. She continuously puts our son at risk and she could end that. That could be the worse part of all of this.

OK, this additional information makes me suspect that there's more to her story (on the other site) than she posts.

Frankly, don't let these knuckleheads who try to shame you change your mind.
YOU DON'T OWE ANYBODY ANY MARRIAGE. You have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to have any criteria you want for your wife.

For me, the lying would be enough. NO ONE, not even my spouse, gets to decide for me what "counts" and what "doesn't count" or "what I need to know or don't need to know." If a person cannot be COMPLETELY honest about things that MATTER to me (and believe me, it's obvious from the other site that she knew this would matter to you), then I cannot live with them as a spouse. Yes, they can always say they don't want to tell me/it's too personal/don't feel spouses have the right to that information, and they are entitled to that opinion. But then go our separate ways, don't lie by commission or by omission about things they know d**n well are unacceptable,

So I back you--or anyone---in refusing to get married for ANY criteria. There's over 7 billion people on the planet, so there's someone else as match out there if the "non-negotiable" items can't be overcome. There is no need to compromise on what is important to you.
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post #70 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:09 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Hudson, you call him your son, but let's be clear he is not your son, legally, or biologically, you may be the only caring male in his life and if you want to play that role you realize it comes with a huge price tag of lies, deception and secrets that you will have to deal with until that boy turns 18...and that is assuming your not going to have children with her...why are you not walking away from this?
If you stay with her, knowing what you know now....you can never blame her for anything....your like the guy who knowlingly walks in to a tribe of cannibalizes and ask what's for dinner? Good luck.
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post #71 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:48 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

If she and her boyfriend were the same age when they had sex, then that shows things weren't as some here have implied. Its very different from a 12 year old having sex with an adult.

Maybe she doesn't want the dna test because she will loose out financially? However if she was having sex with multiple men then the chances are that he isn't his.

I agree that this is a mess and that its so hard for you to have this suddenly sprung on you.
I can understand that you feel you cant go on with this relationship after all the lies and secrets.
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post #72 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:53 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I guess I missed the part in which she specified that he was 6 years older. I didn't see it. I apologize.

10 years ago, 20 years ago, etc- that *is wrong*. He was already an adult having sex with a child as a "girlfriend" - and with that kind of control, yeah- he could get her to do anything. The courts should have seen it as rape and have no statute of limitations which should have resulted in him being sent to prison.

And with *THAT* - the OP should have known that the exBF was pretty much a druggie child-molester and understand how much damage an 18yr old can do to the mind of a 12 year old who was already being raped by her family.
The op has said they were the same age.
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post #73 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:47 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Hudson, it appears her story elsewhere is not the truth either, this is a very big block to get past. If she is not prepared to make a break with the past for your sake I would suggest you move on.
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post #74 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

He is not my son from a legal or biological standpoint. Neither of those make the relationship between him and I any less. I say "our son" because as far as him, his mother and I are concerned, he is and always will be. It's not easy, not in the slightest. It isn't easy for many parents who split up. In some ways it is worse for me because there is no security or legal protection in my relationship with him. I am at her mercy.

He doesn't pay child support. He is supposed to but that is a whole other problem. The reasoning I have been given is that she knows the XBF is the biological father because in the month she got pregnant she was only intimate with him. She said she didn't want to bring up a DNA test prior to this information coming out because that surely would bring it up. She was under the impression that I would think less of her if she didn't know who the biological father was. She was worried that she'd have to try and find the biological father and that he would be a worse man than her XBF. For all I know it's the neighbour. Now she doesn't want to do it because no judge would let me adopt our son when we are no longer together. If we got back together she claims she would do it in a heartbeat and if the XBF is not the father she would go ahead with having his rights terminated and allow me to adopt him.

That is why I don't want to read what is posted on the other website. I don't want to have any additional reason to doubt her. I don't know what was written, but based on what was written here it may not all have been true or some major details may have been left out.
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post #75 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:53 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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He is not my son from a legal or biological standpoint. Neither of those make the relationship between him and I any less. I say "our son" because as far as him, his mother and I are concerned, he is and always will be. It's not easy, not in the slightest. It isn't easy for many parents who split up. In some ways it is worse for me because there is no security or legal protection in my relationship with him. I am at her mercy.

He doesn't pay child support. He is supposed to but that is a whole other problem. The reasoning I have been given is that she knows the XBF is the biological father because in the month she got pregnant she was only intimate with him. She said she didn't want to bring up a DNA test prior to this information coming out because that surely would bring it up. She was under the impression that I would think less of her if she didn't know who the biological father was. She was worried that she'd have to try and find the biological father and that he would be a worse man than her XBF. For all I know it's the neighbour. Now she doesn't want to do it because no judge would let me adopt our son when we are no longer together. If we got back together she claims she would do it in a heartbeat and if the XBF is not the father she would go ahead with having his rights terminated and allow me to adopt him.

That is why I don't want to read what is posted on the other website. I don't want to have any additional reason to doubt her. I don't know what was written, but based on what was written here it may not all have been true or some major details may have been left out.
Your situation is very hard.
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