Reconciling with fiancée - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

If I allow my mind to wander the paranoid part of me starts to wonder why she was comfortable living so close to one of her "rapists". I put it in quotations because I have no idea what to believe at this point. I don't doubt that certain parts of what she has told me are true, such as her family life, but I do have doubts about some other things she has told me. I always come up with two conclusions.

That the neighbour is our sons biological father and she is aware of that. She was having sex with him up until she became pregnant, the possibility is there. Perhaps she knew that he lived in this area and had a reason to be close to him. That reason being a shared child. My son has never mentioned having contact with another man but that does not totally eliminate the possibility. That man is married and has children, perhaps it was an agreement between the two of them. Live close by but don't tell the spouses. It could be a stretch but it within the realm of possibility.

That she is still involved in the prior lifestyle. Easy, quick access to each other or other people. She use to engage in sex to acquire drugs, perhaps that is still going on.

I cannot comprehend any other reason why a woman would be comfortable living in close proximity to her rapist. I wouldn't want to continue living there. If we do reconcile and move back in together I guarantee it wouldn't be there. If I am uncomfortable with it she should be as well.

As a comparison, she doesn't want to be anywhere near her XBF. If he moved to the area I have no doubts that she would move as quickly as possible. She sees him a few times a year at best and can barely handle that. Each time she goes into a depressive mood for a few days following seeing him and has had panic attacks while our son is with him.

It just does not line up. I don't want to keep talking to her about it because every time I tell her I want to talk she gets her hopes up about reconciliation. She becomes extremely emotional while we are together, to the point of balling and begging me to stay when it comes time for me to leave. Every time she tries to get physically closer to me and I move away or she tries to touch me and I move her hand, she cries. Even still, 3 months since I've moved out, she cannot look at me without tearing up. I can't deal with it. It makes me feel as if I'm doing something wrong and pushes me away from her. That, on top of everything else, makes reconciling feel so far out of reach. Perhaps there really is no where to go from here.
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post #77 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Hudson.... you're a good man. You did what most others would not. I commend you.

But the deception will always gnaw at you. Funny thing... Hudson, if you never posted here

until say, 2021, and you shared the background you have now, and your W was having an EA or

simply hiding the truth. Many here would call you a Mr. Fixer / Mr. Nice Guy / Mr. Doormat and

a KISA, knight in shining armor. Yet on this thread, you have gotten bashed for not

looking past it. We here call that rugsweeping and it is very unhealthy.

If you can not get past her lies, you must move on. And... cut ties with the child.

You can't be her savior.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #78 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

It may be advisable if you can get a third party, maybe a family member, to go and collect the boy and take him back. It will be less painful for you both if you don't meet in person, and will give you both the space you need to accept its over and begin to heal.
Meeting all the time just opens the wound over and over.
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post #79 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

There is no winning in a situation like this. I can't please everyone, that's for sure. Each person is going to have a different take or walk away with a different impression.

I don't want to sweep it under the rug, and I also don't want to throw my hands up and walk away. I wish we could sit down and talk without her becoming a blubbering mess, and that she could talk openly with me without hiding anything. She has withheld enough information from me and has made enough decisions over what I can and cannot handle. We are not going to get anywhere if we can't talk about it. She is becoming less and less willing to talk about it because she doesn't see a point anymore. She is under the impression that there is zero chance we will ever get back together, which is my fault. I can't be near her, look at her or touch her without it hurting. If I spend too much time physically with her I fear that I would never leave and sweep it under the rug.

I have suggested having a 3rd party becoming involved so that we don't have to see each other. She hasn't been open to that idea. She wants to keep seeing me and has hopes that if I see her enough I'll go home. I have started picking him up after school so I see her half as often. Ideally, he'd stay here overnight and his mother and I wouldn't have to see each other at all. She isn't open to that right now. He has stayed overnight, but she still arranges it so we see each other.

We're trying to handle this completely differently and it leads her to believe that I have totally given up. I haven't, not yet.
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post #80 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
It may be advisable if you can get a third party, maybe a family member, to go and collect the boy and take him back. It will be less painful for you both if you don't meet in person, and will give you both the space you need to accept its over and begin to heal.
Meeting all the time just opens the wound over and over.
Judging by the family dynamics...... TALL order

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #81 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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There is no winning in a situation like this. I can't please everyone, that's for sure. Each person is going to have a different take or walk away with a different impression.

I don't want to sweep it under the rug, and I also don't want to throw my hands up and walk away. I wish we could sit down and talk without her becoming a blubbering mess, and that she could talk openly with me without hiding anything. She has withheld enough information from me and has made enough decisions over what I can and cannot handle. We are not going to get anywhere if we can't talk about it. She is becoming less and less willing to talk about it because she doesn't see a point anymore. She is under the impression that there is zero chance we will ever get back together, which is my fault. I can't be near her, look at her or touch her without it hurting. If I spend too much time physically with her I fear that I would never leave and sweep it under the rug.

I have suggested having a 3rd party becoming involved so that we don't have to see each other. She hasn't been open to that idea. She wants to keep seeing me and has hopes that if I see her enough I'll go home. I have started picking him up after school so I see her half as often. Ideally, he'd stay here overnight and his mother and I wouldn't have to see each other at all. She isn't open to that right now. He has stayed overnight, but she still arranges it so we see each other.

We're trying to handle this completely differently and it leads her to believe that I have totally given up. I haven't, not yet.
You are NOT here to please others. This is YOUR life

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #82 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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If I allow my mind to wander the paranoid part of me starts to wonder why she was comfortable living so close to one of her "rapists". I put it in quotations because I have no idea what to believe at this point. I don't doubt that certain parts of what she has told me are true, such as her family life, but I do have doubts about some other things she has told me. I always come up with two conclusions.

That the neighbour is our sons biological father and she is aware of that. She was having sex with him up until she became pregnant, the possibility is there. Perhaps she knew that he lived in this area and had a reason to be close to him. That reason being a shared child. My son has never mentioned having contact with another man but that does not totally eliminate the possibility. That man is married and has children, perhaps it was an agreement between the two of them. Live close by but don't tell the spouses. It could be a stretch but it within the realm of possibility.

That she is still involved in the prior lifestyle. Easy, quick access to each other or other people. She use to engage in sex to acquire drugs, perhaps that is still going on.

I cannot comprehend any other reason why a woman would be comfortable living in close proximity to her rapist. I wouldn't want to continue living there. If we do reconcile and move back in together I guarantee it wouldn't be there. If I am uncomfortable with it she should be as well.

As a comparison, she doesn't want to be anywhere near her XBF. If he moved to the area I have no doubts that she would move as quickly as possible. She sees him a few times a year at best and can barely handle that. Each time she goes into a depressive mood for a few days following seeing him and has had panic attacks while our son is with him.

It just does not line up. I don't want to keep talking to her about it because every time I tell her I want to talk she gets her hopes up about reconciliation. She becomes extremely emotional while we are together, to the point of balling and begging me to stay when it comes time for me to leave. Every time she tries to get physically closer to me and I move away or she tries to touch me and I move her hand, she cries. Even still, 3 months since I've moved out, she cannot look at me without tearing up. I can't deal with it. It makes me feel as if I'm doing something wrong and pushes me away from her. That, on top of everything else, makes reconciling feel so far out of reach. Perhaps there really is no where to go from here.
Her only explanation about the neighbor is he wouldn't remember? That's BS. Have you told her you think it's BS?

So she wants you to be in her son's life can you work it like just a hand off? I really don't blame you. Assuming now you are telling the truth the neighbor would be a deal stopper for me. Your reasoning seems very plausible. Maybe it stopped when she met you who knows. People who are really damaged don't react like people who are not. She really didn't have boundaries ever. So that makes it hard. But I wouldn't want to take that risk especially if she is still covering stuff up.

I don't think you are doing each other any favors by hanging on in the periphery. You should try to find a way to deal with the kid without spending time with her. Like the big brother's organization or something.
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post #83 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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There is no winning in a situation like this. I can't please everyone, that's for sure. Each person is going to have a different take or walk away with a different impression.

I don't want to sweep it under the rug, and I also don't want to throw my hands up and walk away. I wish we could sit down and talk without her becoming a blubbering mess, and that she could talk openly with me without hiding anything. She has withheld enough information from me and has made enough decisions over what I can and cannot handle. We are not going to get anywhere if we can't talk about it. She is becoming less and less willing to talk about it because she doesn't see a point anymore. She is under the impression that there is zero chance we will ever get back together, which is my fault. I can't be near her, look at her or touch her without it hurting. If I spend too much time physically with her I fear that I would never leave and sweep it under the rug.

I have suggested having a 3rd party becoming involved so that we don't have to see each other. She hasn't been open to that idea. She wants to keep seeing me and has hopes that if I see her enough I'll go home. I have started picking him up after school so I see her half as often. Ideally, he'd stay here overnight and his mother and I wouldn't have to see each other at all. She isn't open to that right now. He has stayed overnight, but she still arranges it so we see each other.

We're trying to handle this completely differently and it leads her to believe that I have totally given up. I haven't, not yet.
Dialogue through letters. Maybe after the hard subjects at least broached you can start to speak in person. This is one where I don't want to recommend anything as I would be at just as much a loss as you are.

However, it's not going to get any easier. What if you meet someone else? What if she does? Will you bring that new person to the kid's graduation? She may balk at that. How will this new person feel about your non-step step child. I doubt they will be really great with it. How will your ex feel about a new woman around her child? What if she meets someone and that person doesn't want you around? You have no recourse.

Do you love the child enough to take the risk? I say that because I fear that one day you will lose access. What if you could get parental rights would that give you a motive? Say you marry her and buy the A-hole out. He would probably take it. I am not saying trust her. But then steal your heart and if she messes up you still have rights to what would then be "you're" son.

How about making her take a poly? How about you go to the counseling sessions with her so you can hear what she has been working on all these years from a professional that would collaborate her story? Give you a professional opinion about what her background has done to her, and even maybe what you two need to work on.

Look either way you look at it, you got a bad deal. If you don't want to leave the table because of your love this kid, even though it's your right and may be the best answer then you have to learn to live within the parameters of the deal. That's all I'm saying.

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post #84 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

The main reasoning that I was given re: the neighbour was that it is a very good area with a good school district, close to everything and we had a good deal on our home. She told me that she didn't know he lived there until after we had moved in and she didn't want to move again because of the reasons above and that he has never recognized her. As well she said that it makes her uncomfortable. It doesn't make her uncomfortable enough to move, which is incomprehensible to me. I'd rather be without a pot to piss in than live there. There are many other good areas to live in, that cannot be the only reason she wants to stay there. She did not live there until we moved in together.

If there is any chance of us reconciling she needs to tell me everything, uncensored. I cannot always be wondering what will come up next or if what she says to me is just lies and coverup. Trying to get information out of her is like trying to herd cats.

Do people actually ask their partners/spouses to take a polygraph? I was under the impression that had a special spot on daytime television and that's it. My thought on that is if we had to come to that point we have no business being together. I have however been thinking over asking her to do a drug test. I know that she was previously involved in drugs and I also know that man, our neighbour, was as well. I don't like accusing her of such harsh allegations without good reasoning. After this information came to light I had myself STD tested more than once.

Most times that our son is dropped off or picked up I attempt not to speak to her at all. If I go up to the door she tries to talk to me and if I try to walk away she either grabs my arm or goes in front of me and tries to stop me. I don't like ripping myself away from her. I don't want our son to see that and I don't want to hurt her, that has never been my intention. Our son is old enough that he can walk from the car to the front door alone, but she doesn't want that. In ways, I feel the need to ***** foot around her and keep her happy because I don't have any legal rights here.

I have thought about writing things out to talk about them. I should give it another thought. She has sent me a few emails attempting to explain herself, which if I am honest I didn't read. At the time when they were sent it just came off as trying to cover her behind. She has spoken about counselling and that is something that I have not been open to, which could be my fault. She told me that she has been in therapy for a decade over this issue.

That boy, he is just as much my son as he would be if I were his biological father or if I legally adopted him. The relationship has nothing to do with a piece of paper. I think of him and treat him no differently than any other good father treats their child. If we don't reconcile it is excepted that we will both meet other people. My thoughts on my meeting of another woman are no different from any other good father. I'm not going to allow a woman to come between me and my son. The woman accepts it or not.

Based on how well I know, or think I know, my X I cannot see her ever going into a jealous rage. I know that it would be hard on her, as it would be on me as well. I have seen other women since moving out and I think she knows some details about that. She hasn't revoked my ability to see our son, all she has said is not to allow another woman around our son until I'm serious about her. I'm not the type of man to introduce every new date to my child.

I will always be at her mercy in regards to my rights to see our son. If at some point she decides that she doesn't want me in his life anymore I would have to accept that. I would consult a lawyer to ask if there was anything that could be done but would not have high hopes. We have talked about methods to get the XBF out, including paying him off, she didn't want to do it with the reasoning that it is illegal. I would rather spend another X amount of time with him and lose him, then lose him now. Every day that I have him in my life is a gift. If at some point I'm forced to lose him, I want to have had as much time with him as possible.
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post #85 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Hudson,

You are spending way too much time trying to explain your take on the situation, which is the ONLY thing that matters. And it is bull **** when some of the comments here attack you as some unreasonable jerk. No one advising you has to lie down next to this woman not knowing what the **** really happened, what her true feeling were, and what she weas forced to do and what she was not forced to do.

Personally, I'm not buying the TOTALLY innocent victim line, but that is just my opinion. And what resonates with me is your statement, which I believe, that the overwhelming number of women who had been raped repeatedly and forced to bang multiple men would be ready to jump off a bridge living in gthe same neighborhood as one of the rapists. I don't give a **** what school district it is, that is not believable to me.

And the real prob el also is that your GF knew perfectly well that this scum bag who supposedly had orchestrated all of this had these videos, and was perfectly willing to let you live next door to the participants AND possible be blindsided like this. That is the same as a woman having an affair, gettin g away with it, and hoping her husband never found out. You were totally blindsided by her lack of honesty, regardless of how she thought of how you would react. She gambled and lost. By the way, as a side not, there are tons of young women who are not drug addicts or junkies making similar decisions daily when they fly off to California to make a porn film or become an escort. They will live the rest of their lives hoping their future husband or one of his friends does not accidentally stumble accross of what they have done.

Now, there is no doubt she has love for you. But since you cannot reverse time and you were not there, you will never know it all and have to accept that if you want to reconcile. Even if she was a willing participant you will never know for sure and must overcome that. How you can move back to the same neighborhood is or would be amazing to me.

Lastly Hudson, be very careful if you choose a therapist. It is NOT a quantitative science, but rather a subjective science, and just as there are differing opinions on your thread, if you tell this story to ten therapist you will probably four or five differing opinions. You might get told just to "get over it" and stop talkin g about it. How will that feel.???

Yours is a very tough "grey" area situation. Do what you feel you need to but you owe no one here apologies nor do you need to defend your thought and choices. Its your ball, your life, and you do whatever you can live with.
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post #86 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:27 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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The main reasoning that I was given re: the neighbour was that it is a very good area with a good school district, close to everything and we had a good deal on our home. She told me that she didn't know he lived there until after we had moved in and she didn't want to move again because of the reasons above and that he has never recognized her. As well she said that it makes her uncomfortable. It doesn't make her uncomfortable enough to move, which is incomprehensible to me. I'd rather be without a pot to piss in than live there. There are many other good areas to live in, that cannot be the only reason she wants to stay there. She did not live there until we moved in together.

Playing devils advocate. Would you do it for your son though? look I agree with you, you are right to be concerned about it. How often does she see the guy, is it like he is across street and they have never talked? How did you find out he was one of the guys? This one is just strange.

If there is any chance of us reconciling she needs to tell me everything, uncensored. I cannot always be wondering what will come up next or if what she says to me is just lies and coverup. Trying to get information out of her is like trying to herd cats.

You need to say this. Sounds like I know more about this then you do just from reading her posts. The posters where pretty harsh with her. My take is she had an incredibly hard life that led her to this path, and that still affects some of her decision making. That will probably be a fact of life if you end up with her no doubt. It's good that you didn't read it though. If you feel you would be invading her privacy then that is honorable.

Do people actually ask their partners/spouses to take a polygraph? I was under the impression that had a special spot on daytime television and that's it. My thought on that is if we had to come to that point we have no business being together. I have however been thinking over asking her to do a drug test. I know that she was previously involved in drugs and I also know that man, our neighbour, was as well. I don't like accusing her of such harsh allegations without good reasoning. After this information came to light I had myself STD tested more than once.

You haven't read much on these boards have you? Yeah in fact I just posted a long diatribe with the exact same thoughts, staying if you need a machine to tell if your SO is telling you the truth you should just let them go. So the answer is, remarkably all the time. I didn't know that to I stumbled onto these boards about a year ago. I couldn't imagine it. Here is the thing, we are not talking about cheating, as far as we know she has never openly betrayed you. Hers was a lie of omission, serious but I think for me, and it sounds like for you because of the extenuating circumstances I might be able to get over it. However I would need some proof. That is were the poly comes in. You get 3 questions as I understand it. Thing is you can't even verify the truth yet because you don't have the full story.

Most times that our son is dropped off or picked up I attempt not to speak to her at all. If I go up to the door she tries to talk to me and if I try to walk away she either grabs my arm or goes in front of me and tries to stop me. I don't like ripping myself away from her. I don't want our son to see that and I don't want to hurt her, that has never been my intention. Our son is old enough that he can walk from the car to the front door alone, but she doesn't want that. In ways, I feel the need to ***** foot around her and keep her happy because I don't have any legal rights here.

You are taking a huge risk, say she dies in a car accident. Then what? Scummy ex gets custody. You have absolutely no recourse as far as the law is concerned. You love this kid, and he needs you. At least know the deal, right now you really have nothing.

I have thought about writing things out to talk about them. I should give it another thought. She has sent me a few emails attempting to explain herself, which if I am honest I didn't read. At the time when they were sent it just came off as trying to cover her behind. She has spoken about counselling and that is something that I have not been open to, which could be my fault. She told me that she has been in therapy for a decade over this issue.

OK look you sound like kind of a young guy. You need to get over this ****! Period. There are plenty of very intelligent successful people who have gone to counseling. This kind of crap is bigger then one person. You need to man up and think about it. It doesn't make you weak, it's like training to help you succeed emotionally. Your thinking here is wrong. Now you need the right one, but a good one can really help. However what I was talking about was you going and talking to her therapist. They will know the story from a clinical perspective. Now she will have to agree and it will be hard for her but she has to suck it up too.

Over all though if you are going to pursue something at all with this woman you are gonna need expert help. You both are. Lets assume for a moment her story, which you don't even know to the full extent I bet, is true, then it is one of the worst I have ever heard. Again I don't know why she would lie about that on a message board. I do not think that the screwed up stuff that happened to her was her choice, I do think it could have messed her up and that is what I would be worried about. I don't think this woman wants or wanted the life of a porn star.

I think that part of you thinks that. But then you don't know the full story and you haven't talked to a professional. You are thinking about all this stuff in a kind of dirty ****s and ho's kind of way. To be blunt. You are not thinking about it like, this woman at a very young age was exposed to tons of perverted sex while she was just going through puberty and her innocence should have been protected, by her father, who sadly was one of the very ones that was abusing her. She was never presented with a healthy idea of what sex was so she made some very unhealthy choices because of that. She happened to end up with a guy who you already know is an abusive creep. He basically abused you by showing you that video. Creeps like that guy go for vulnerable girls. Her childhood made her vulnerable and he used her for sex and later on to get drugs from others, he prostituted her. We are not talking about the middle class girl who goes away to collage and jumps from guy to guy now because she thinks she is liberated. That wouldn't be my cup of tea as well.

Ok saying all that, it's still a risk because she has damage. That is what I would be afraid of. Does she have demons that she is fighting. How would that affect your marriage.


That boy, he is just as much my son as he would be if I were his biological father or if I legally adopted him. The relationship has nothing to do with a piece of paper. I think of him and treat him no differently than any other good father treats their child. If we don't reconcile it is excepted that we will both meet other people. My thoughts on my meeting of another woman are no different from any other good father. I'm not going to allow a woman to come between me and my son. The woman accepts it or not.

I hate to break it to you but in the eyes of the law he is just your ex-girlfriends kid. You got nothing, that ******* ex of hers will win against you in the courts every time. That is blunt and I am sorry but you need the reality of the situation. This would be a motivation to me.

Based on how well I know, or think I know, my X I cannot see her ever going into a jealous rage. I know that it would be hard on her, as it would be on me as well. I have seen other women since moving out and I think she knows some details about that. She hasn't revoked my ability to see our son, all she has said is not to allow another woman around our son until I'm serious about her. I'm not the type of man to introduce every new date to my child.

I will always be at her mercy in regards to my rights to see our son. If at some point she decides that she doesn't want me in his life anymore I would have to accept that. I would consult a lawyer to ask if there was anything that could be done but would not have high hopes. We have talked about methods to get the XBF out, including paying him off, she didn't want to do it with the reasoning that it is illegal. I would rather spend another X amount of time with him and lose him, then lose him now. Every day that I have him in my life is a gift. If at some point I'm forced to lose him, I want to have had as much time with him as possible.

What if she meets a guy and he wants to be the step-father. What if she gets cancer. You need to start thinking long term here, your short term thinking just reacting is leaving you vulnerable. Through this whole thing you have continually just reacted. Until you posted here you have been reacting on emotions, you need to settle down and start to use some strategy. You need to really assess what your situation is. You were incredibly hurt, I get that. No one should have to see what you saw. So you were dealing with all these emotions. Ok but you have kind of gained control of that so now you need to really start thinking about life, not life a month from now, life 4 years from now. About being a father, what kind of man you are going to be. I know you see this kid as your son, but your ex gets a job somewhere and she is not going to be hitched to you for instance. And frankly it's a lot to ask of anyone. She is going to weigh if you in his life is as important as say affording to send him to collage. Especially if you are married with kids of your own.

One other thing I would like to point out. This is incredibly hard for her because she still loves you, and you were the one decent man she ever had in her life, you can tell the agony in her posts. Yet she has put the needs of her child an your love for each other above her pain. That shows some character right there. Just saying.



So that is your situation. One other thing. It's obvious you love your ex. I don't envy you in this regard. It would have been easier to have never met her. But that is not life. I have had lots of **** happen to me. I think I am older then you so I can tell you. Life is about 50% being in the trenches and trying to survive the **** that is thrown at you. That is how you gain your honor. You decide if you are going to sacrifice for the greater good. In this case it might be "your son" and even this women, whom in my mind never had one man in her life who was honorable until you came along. Assuming that this is not all an elaborate ruse, part of me thinks it is but whatever.

From your ex's post it sounds like you are kind of a self made guy, done well for yourself. Well basically you have been presented with probably on of the hardest problems a guy can go through. It's time to use some of your self made talents to deal with this situation. What I mean by that is start doing some research into childhood sexual abuse in women. Buy and read some books on it by doctors who know better the you and I. At least then you will have a clinical understanding of what was really going on, but also the risks. Become an expert on the subject. Go on boards and ask questions about it from survivors. Then you may be able to have a better understanding if she is lying and if she is truly healed. Hell if you end up getting together again you will be in a perfect position to handle it. Or may be able to smoke out if this is not all just a cover for her not being the person she said she was.

Then it's like I said if her story starts to really seem like she was emotionally abused and is still screwed up then you can work on it SLOWLY. With great caution. And a poly for good measure.

That is my 2 cents and what I would do. I would do it first because I am calling the kid my son, which means I love the boy, and second because I still have feelings for his mother, and it may just be that a grave evil has been permeating her life for all of it and that may account for some of the acts that usually would have me running for the hills. I think I could sacrifice the idea of having a wife with a virtuous past if it was because she was terribly taken advantaged of. I think the idea that I was giving that up to break the cycle for this boy might be worth it to me. If I knew she was safe now.
Finally if you think I am one of these love conquers all kind of persons just read some of my posts here. I am just as hard usually as the last guy. And there are some definite red flags. I think she is screwed up, but you love the boy, and you still love her. Be honest you posted her because YOU want to try.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-17-2017 at 12:17 AM.
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post #87 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 01:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Playing devils advocate. Would you do it for your son though? look I agree with you, you are right to be concerned about it. How often does she see the guy, is it like he is across street and they have never talked? How did you find out he was one of the guys? This one is just strange.

If what she told me was correct, she has never spoken to him. She told me that he has never made any acknowledgement that he recognizes her and she avoids going by his house. Our block is cut in half by another road, we are on one half he is on the other and she won't go on that half or let our son go on that half. I was oblivious about it until she told me [after this all came to light]. I asked her if other men had copies of the videos and that is how that glorious tidbit of information came up. I'd like to beat the sh** out of him but that is beside the point. If we get back together, sure as sh**, there is no way we are staying in that area.

You need to say this. Sounds like I know more about this then you do just from reading her posts. The posters where pretty harsh with her. My take is she had an incredibly hard life that led her to this path, and that still affects some of her decision making. That will probably be a fact of life if you end up with her no doubt. It's good that you didn't read it though. If you feel you would be invading her privacy then that is honorable.

I expected posters to say some harsh things about me but not about her. I imagine she would have told the story in a way that appealed to her. Why were people being harsh towards her? Those are reasons that I don't want to read it, along with the reasoning of not wanting to invade her privacy. Nothing is private on the internet, mind you. I read about 4 lines before closing it. If she wanted me to know whatever is written there she would have told me, that is not how I want to learn it. I've had enough of learning important information from a 3rd party.

You haven't read much on these boards have you? Yeah in fact I just posted a long diatribe with the exact same thoughts, staying if you need a machine to tell if your SO is telling you the truth you should just let them go. So the answer is, remarkably all the time. I didn't know that to I stumbled onto these boards about a year ago. I couldn't imagine it. Here is the thing, we are not talking about cheating, as far as way know she has never openly betrayed you. Hers was a lie of omission, serious but I think for me, and it sounds like for you because of the extenuating circumstances I might be able to get over it. However I would need some proof. That is were the poly comes in. You get 3 questions as I understand it. Thing is you can't even verify the truth yet because you don't have the full story.

I haven't read much on these boards. The website that I do use regularly, and didn't want to use my account to post on, I've never seen a polygraph mentioned. Mind you, I have not frequented infidelity boards as I haven't had the need thankfully. It is such an extreme to go to and it doesn't resonate well with me. Perhaps I need more time to think it over.

You are taking a huge risk, say she dies in a car accident. Then what? Scummy ex gets custody. You have absolutely no recourse as far as the law is concerned. You love this kid, and he needs you. At least know the deal, right now you really have nothing.

In the scenario that she passed away custody would go to the XBF's parents, who are required to supervise every visit their son has with our son. This is a reason why I want my X to do everything in her power to protect our son. I don't care about her pride or reputation, protect your son. She could have a DNA test, which is something she has never done, and if negative she could fight to have the XBF's rights terminated. That has been confirmed by two lawyers. He plays almost no role in the child's life. It's not guaranteed but there is a chance. I would jump at that chance if it were up to me and I wouldn't need to think twice about adopting him if it were an option.

OK look you sound like kind of a young guy. You need to get over this ****! Period. There are plenty of very intelligent successful people who have gone to counseling. This kind of crap is bigger then one person. You need to man up and think about it. It doesn't make you weak, it's like training to help you succeed emotionally. Your thinking here is wrong. Now you need the right one, but a good one can really help. What I was talking about was you going and talking to her therapist. They will know the story from a clinical perspective. Now she will have to agree and it will be hard for her but she has to suck it up too.

I'm in my early 30's. I don't have anything against therapists. I don't know what my hangup is with seeing one but there is one there. That is my hangup to deal with. Even with her permission, can a therapist talk about a patient? That feels like more of a breech of privacy than reading her thoughts. If that's what we have to do to get over this hurdle than so be it. I've allowed her so much privacy and benefit of the doubt, maybe it's time that stops. I don't know how she would feel about me talking to her therapist about her. I could approach the subject and find out how she feels about it. She has said she would do anything.

Over all though if you are going to pursue something at all with this woman you are gonna need expert help. You both are. Lets assume for a moment her story, which you don't even know to the full extent I bet, is true, then it is one of the worst I have ever heard. Again I don't know why she would lie about that on a message board. I do not think that the screwed up stuff that happened to her was her choice, I do think it could have messed her up and that is what I would be worried about. I don't think this woman wants or wanted the life of a porn star.

Based on some things that were written here, such as her XBF being 6 years her senior, I was given the impression that she lied or twisted the truth to roll in her favour. You are right though, there is no reason for her to lie on a "anonymous" message board. She isn't the attention seeking or validating type. She has always been very private [now I know why] and has never frequented message boards or forums that I know of.

I don't doubt that she is going to have problems to deal with for the rest of her life, if what she says is accurate. That wouldn't be a deciding factor of our relationship in itself. Many people have problems and expecting someone perfect is ridiculous. She didn't have to hide it and she shouldn't have felt like she did have to hide it. I would rather know how to help her than walk through life oblivious to what she is going through and make her life harder. I'm sure I've said or done things that have not sat well with her but she "couldn't" tell me. I would like to know the full scope of the problems we'd be dealing with, and that is something I should have been allowed before agreeing to marry. The problems are not necessarily a deal breaker but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't scare me because of the affect those problems could have on us.


I think that part of you thinks that. But then you don't know the full story and you haven't talked to a professional. You are thinking about all this stuff in a kind of ****s and ho's kind of way. To be blunt. You are not thinking about it like, this woman at a very young age was exposed to tons of perverted sex while she was just going through puberty and her innocence should have been protected. She was never presented with a healthy idea of what sex was so she made some very unhealthy choices because of that. She happened to end up with a guy who you already know is an abusive creep. He basically abused you by showing you that video. Creeps like that guy go for vulnerable girls. Her childhood made her vulnerable and he used her for sex and later on to get drugs from others, he prostituted her. We are not talking about the middle class girl who goes away to collage and jumps from guy to guy now because she thinks she is liberated. That wouldn't be my cup of tea as well.

Something that I get hung up on is why didn't she leave him if it was that bad, or tell someone, call the police, anything. She wouldn't answer that question either. I am not trying to victim-blame, I know a woman is never to be blamed for rape. I understand when a woman is raped and she doesn't report it and I don't expect her to get away from the rapist during the rape. Rape isn't the woman's fault, I know that. My X though, she went along with it for all of her teenage years. She made the decision to go to the XBF's house, or whoever else's house every day. I also get hung up on the point of prostitution. Even given the circumstances it is something that I have trouble getting past. It is such a dirty word and having that association with her is hard. Her XBF is a druggie, she used as well and it would have been drugs that were payment. Prior to me learning of this she said she experimented with drugs a few times and left it at that. After this came to light she said she used quite often to escape. The story is always changing. Her XBF may have prostituted her to score his own drugs, but did she do it for herself as well. Wrapping my head around it has clearly been difficult for me.

What if she meets a guy and he wants to be the step-father. What if she gets cancer. You need to start thinking long term here, your short term thinking just reacting is leaving you vulnerable. Through this whole thing you have continually just reacted. Until you posted here you have been reacting on emotions, you need to settle down and start to use some strategy. You need to really asses what your situation is. You were incredibly hurt, I get that. No one should have to see what you saw. So you were dealing with all these emotions. Ok but you have kind of gained control of that so now you need to really start thinking about life, not life a month from now, life 4 years from now. About being a father, what kind of man you are going to be. I know you see this kid as your son, but your ex gets a job somewhere and she is not going to be hitched to you for instance. And frankly it's a lot to ask of anyone. She is going to weigh if you in his life is as important as say affording to send him to collage. Especially if you are married with kids of your own.

Those are things that I fear. I know that I have no rights to him and if she wants me out, I'm out. My son is something that wants to make me fight harder to reconcile. We have not been apart that long and haven't had time to move on so that factors into this, but I cannot see myself with a woman other than her. I know that could change. I've gone out with other women, and done some things that my X wouldn't be happy about. I still see my future with her.

I do not handle crisis well, that has been made very obvious. I'm not perfect.


One other thing I would like to point out. This is incredibly hard for her because she still loves you, and you were the one decent man she ever had in her life, you can tell the agony in her posts. Yet she has put the needs of her child an your love for each other above her pain. That shows some character right there. Just saying.

She has been incredibly gracious in regards to our son. I know that and I respect that. I can tell that it's very hard for her. Perhaps it would be easier for her if I made the choice end both relationships, and I think about that a lot - if I should do it for her. Sacrifice for her. I don't know what is healthier for my son, having both parents or having a happy mom and losing a dad. In this area our son has always come first and that makes the rest confusing because she does things that do not put his best interests first. Such as not doing everything possible to get her XBF out of his life or living near someone who raped her. I wish she were more consistent, maybe then I could wrap my head around this more easily.
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post #88 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

DUDE, dump her! What are you waiting around for? You are out seeing new women, who you have a better time with. She is sitting at home moping that she couldn't manipulate you into staying. She is an extremely promiscuous woman, which isn't bad in itself but it is bad when she lies about it and uses gang rape to cover it up. She uses drugs and doesn't care about the child. She allows the child to hang around druggies and if her story is correct, rapists and pedophiles. What do you seen in her? There is no prize!

She didn't even like having sex with you, she said that in her own thread! She thought you were boring in bed, unsatisfying, no pleasure aka too small, and she thinks about gang bangs while she screws you. She wants to go back to that lifestyle! She probably already has. She is living next door to one of her f*ck buddies and likely has taken him up on his offers to bang. She can only orgasm if she is double stuffed, that says enough.

Even if she is telling the truth, which I doubt, do you really want to be with a woman like that? Someone who has always been seen as nothing more than a sex object by every man in her life? That will take over your thinking of her as well.

Run. Keep banging new women and RUN from this crazy one.

She has a more recent post that wasn't locked. The previous one was locked by admins because there were too many sl*t comments. That's how most people view her, that's not someone you want to marry.

Last edited by laura8; 02-17-2017 at 12:19 PM.
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post #89 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

@hudson

Common man.... I don't care what her story is. You find out your finance was in a gang bang you bail hard!!!

Nothing good will come of this for you. Absolutely nothing. Either:

A) She's into gang bangs. Yeeeaaahhhh, not marriage material.

B) She was coerced into it. Which means she's gonna be screwed up forever.

Why would you choose to marry into this disaster rather than find another person?!?

RUN.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #90 of 287 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Quote:
Originally Posted by hudson View Post
There is no winning in a situation like this. I can't please everyone, that's for sure. Each person is going to have a different take or walk away with a different impression.

I don't want to sweep it under the rug, and I also don't want to throw my hands up and walk away. I wish we could sit down and talk without her becoming a blubbering mess, and that she could talk openly with me without hiding anything. She has withheld enough information from me and has made enough decisions over what I can and cannot handle. We are not going to get anywhere if we can't talk about it. She is becoming less and less willing to talk about it because she doesn't see a point anymore. She is under the impression that there is zero chance we will ever get back together, which is my fault. I can't be near her, look at her or touch her without it hurting. If I spend too much time physically with her I fear that I would never leave and sweep it under the rug.

I have suggested having a 3rd party becoming involved so that we don't have to see each other. She hasn't been open to that idea. She wants to keep seeing me and has hopes that if I see her enough I'll go home. I have started picking him up after school so I see her half as often. Ideally, he'd stay here overnight and his mother and I wouldn't have to see each other at all. She isn't open to that right now. He has stayed overnight, but she still arranges it so we see each other.

We're trying to handle this completely differently and it leads her to believe that I have totally given up. I haven't, not yet.
Whether she likes the idea of a third party being involved is irrelevant. if you think it will be better for you both not to have that face to face contact so that you can both think, heal and move on, then do it. Of course she wont like it, she wants to be able to influence you. Tears can be very manipulative. You will need to be firm about this in my opinion. Just say that its better for you as well as her to make this step for now. That you need time when you don't meet face to face so that you can think and make a decision.

What has to happen for you to either end it or go back?
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