Re: Reconciling with fiancée
Playing devils advocate. Would you do it for your son though? look I agree with you, you are right to be concerned about it. How often does she see the guy, is it like he is across street and they have never talked? How did you find out he was one of the guys? This one is just strange.
If what she told me was correct, she has never spoken to him. She told me that he has never made any acknowledgement that he recognizes her and she avoids going by his house. Our block is cut in half by another road, we are on one half he is on the other and she won't go on that half or let our son go on that half. I was oblivious about it until she told me [after this all came to light]. I asked her if other men had copies of the videos and that is how that glorious tidbit of information came up. I'd like to beat the sh** out of him but that is beside the point. If we get back together, sure as sh**, there is no way we are staying in that area.
You need to say this. Sounds like I know more about this then you do just from reading her posts. The posters where pretty harsh with her. My take is she had an incredibly hard life that led her to this path, and that still affects some of her decision making. That will probably be a fact of life if you end up with her no doubt. It's good that you didn't read it though. If you feel you would be invading her privacy then that is honorable.
I expected posters to say some harsh things about me but not about her. I imagine she would have told the story in a way that appealed to her. Why were people being harsh towards her? Those are reasons that I don't want to read it, along with the reasoning of not wanting to invade her privacy. Nothing is private on the internet, mind you. I read about 4 lines before closing it. If she wanted me to know whatever is written there she would have told me, that is not how I want to learn it. I've had enough of learning important information from a 3rd party.
You haven't read much on these boards have you? Yeah in fact I just posted a long diatribe with the exact same thoughts, staying if you need a machine to tell if your SO is telling you the truth you should just let them go. So the answer is, remarkably all the time. I didn't know that to I stumbled onto these boards about a year ago. I couldn't imagine it. Here is the thing, we are not talking about cheating, as far as way know she has never openly betrayed you. Hers was a lie of omission, serious but I think for me, and it sounds like for you because of the extenuating circumstances I might be able to get over it. However I would need some proof. That is were the poly comes in. You get 3 questions as I understand it. Thing is you can't even verify the truth yet because you don't have the full story.
I haven't read much on these boards. The website that I do use regularly, and didn't want to use my account to post on, I've never seen a polygraph mentioned. Mind you, I have not frequented infidelity boards as I haven't had the need thankfully. It is such an extreme to go to and it doesn't resonate well with me. Perhaps I need more time to think it over.
You are taking a huge risk, say she dies in a car accident. Then what? Scummy ex gets custody. You have absolutely no recourse as far as the law is concerned. You love this kid, and he needs you. At least know the deal, right now you really have nothing.
In the scenario that she passed away custody would go to the XBF's parents, who are required to supervise every visit their son has with our son. This is a reason why I want my X to do everything in her power to protect our son. I don't care about her pride or reputation, protect your son. She could have a DNA test, which is something she has never done, and if negative she could fight to have the XBF's rights terminated. That has been confirmed by two lawyers. He plays almost no role in the child's life. It's not guaranteed but there is a chance. I would jump at that chance if it were up to me and I wouldn't need to think twice about adopting him if it were an option.
OK look you sound like kind of a young guy. You need to get over this ****! Period. There are plenty of very intelligent successful people who have gone to counseling. This kind of crap is bigger then one person. You need to man up and think about it. It doesn't make you weak, it's like training to help you succeed emotionally. Your thinking here is wrong. Now you need the right one, but a good one can really help. What I was talking about was you going and talking to her therapist. They will know the story from a clinical perspective. Now she will have to agree and it will be hard for her but she has to suck it up too.
I'm in my early 30's. I don't have anything against therapists. I don't know what my hangup is with seeing one but there is one there. That is my hangup to deal with. Even with her permission, can a therapist talk about a patient? That feels like more of a breech of privacy than reading her thoughts. If that's what we have to do to get over this hurdle than so be it. I've allowed her so much privacy and benefit of the doubt, maybe it's time that stops. I don't know how she would feel about me talking to her therapist about her. I could approach the subject and find out how she feels about it. She has said she would do anything.
Over all though if you are going to pursue something at all with this woman you are gonna need expert help. You both are. Lets assume for a moment her story, which you don't even know to the full extent I bet, is true, then it is one of the worst I have ever heard. Again I don't know why she would lie about that on a message board. I do not think that the screwed up stuff that happened to her was her choice, I do think it could have messed her up and that is what I would be worried about. I don't think this woman wants or wanted the life of a porn star.
Based on some things that were written here, such as her XBF being 6 years her senior, I was given the impression that she lied or twisted the truth to roll in her favour. You are right though, there is no reason for her to lie on a "anonymous" message board. She isn't the attention seeking or validating type. She has always been very private [now I know why] and has never frequented message boards or forums that I know of.
I don't doubt that she is going to have problems to deal with for the rest of her life, if what she says is accurate. That wouldn't be a deciding factor of our relationship in itself. Many people have problems and expecting someone perfect is ridiculous. She didn't have to hide it and she shouldn't have felt like she did have to hide it. I would rather know how to help her than walk through life oblivious to what she is going through and make her life harder. I'm sure I've said or done things that have not sat well with her but she "couldn't" tell me. I would like to know the full scope of the problems we'd be dealing with, and that is something I should have been allowed before agreeing to marry. The problems are not necessarily a deal breaker but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't scare me because of the affect those problems could have on us.
I think that part of you thinks that. But then you don't know the full story and you haven't talked to a professional. You are thinking about all this stuff in a kind of ****s and ho's kind of way. To be blunt. You are not thinking about it like, this woman at a very young age was exposed to tons of perverted sex while she was just going through puberty and her innocence should have been protected. She was never presented with a healthy idea of what sex was so she made some very unhealthy choices because of that. She happened to end up with a guy who you already know is an abusive creep. He basically abused you by showing you that video. Creeps like that guy go for vulnerable girls. Her childhood made her vulnerable and he used her for sex and later on to get drugs from others, he prostituted her. We are not talking about the middle class girl who goes away to collage and jumps from guy to guy now because she thinks she is liberated. That wouldn't be my cup of tea as well.
Something that I get hung up on is why didn't she leave him if it was that bad, or tell someone, call the police, anything. She wouldn't answer that question either. I am not trying to victim-blame, I know a woman is never to be blamed for rape. I understand when a woman is raped and she doesn't report it and I don't expect her to get away from the rapist during the rape. Rape isn't the woman's fault, I know that. My X though, she went along with it for all of her teenage years. She made the decision to go to the XBF's house, or whoever else's house every day. I also get hung up on the point of prostitution. Even given the circumstances it is something that I have trouble getting past. It is such a dirty word and having that association with her is hard. Her XBF is a druggie, she used as well and it would have been drugs that were payment. Prior to me learning of this she said she experimented with drugs a few times and left it at that. After this came to light she said she used quite often to escape. The story is always changing. Her XBF may have prostituted her to score his own drugs, but did she do it for herself as well. Wrapping my head around it has clearly been difficult for me.
What if she meets a guy and he wants to be the step-father. What if she gets cancer. You need to start thinking long term here, your short term thinking just reacting is leaving you vulnerable. Through this whole thing you have continually just reacted. Until you posted here you have been reacting on emotions, you need to settle down and start to use some strategy. You need to really asses what your situation is. You were incredibly hurt, I get that. No one should have to see what you saw. So you were dealing with all these emotions. Ok but you have kind of gained control of that so now you need to really start thinking about life, not life a month from now, life 4 years from now. About being a father, what kind of man you are going to be. I know you see this kid as your son, but your ex gets a job somewhere and she is not going to be hitched to you for instance. And frankly it's a lot to ask of anyone. She is going to weigh if you in his life is as important as say affording to send him to collage. Especially if you are married with kids of your own.
Those are things that I fear. I know that I have no rights to him and if she wants me out, I'm out. My son is something that wants to make me fight harder to reconcile. We have not been apart that long and haven't had time to move on so that factors into this, but I cannot see myself with a woman other than her. I know that could change. I've gone out with other women, and done some things that my X wouldn't be happy about. I still see my future with her.
I do not handle crisis well, that has been made very obvious. I'm not perfect.
One other thing I would like to point out. This is incredibly hard for her because she still loves you, and you were the one decent man she ever had in her life, you can tell the agony in her posts. Yet she has put the needs of her child an your love for each other above her pain. That shows some character right there. Just saying.
She has been incredibly gracious in regards to our son. I know that and I respect that. I can tell that it's very hard for her. Perhaps it would be easier for her if I made the choice end both relationships, and I think about that a lot - if I should do it for her. Sacrifice for her. I don't know what is healthier for my son, having both parents or having a happy mom and losing a dad. In this area our son has always come first and that makes the rest confusing because she does things that do not put his best interests first. Such as not doing everything possible to get her XBF out of his life or living near someone who raped her. I wish she were more consistent, maybe then I could wrap my head around this more easily.