Who is laura8, who just joined to post to this specific thread about the other site?
And statements she has made are taken out of context. Maybe a friend that is an enemy to the relationship?
hudson (the OP) He talks about his conflicted feelings but since November when the video was shown to him, he has NEVER sat down and talked to this woman about this situation, who is supposed to be the love of his life. He just took the word of a junkie ex-BF from about 10 years ago, saw a few minutes of video - or who knows, maybe the whole thing and that was that.
How are you supposed to handle marriage IF YOU CANNOT EVEN TALK?! Communication is the #1 cause of divorce.
Looking at the recent posts on LS that Laura8 pointed out and a quick re-review of the first thread and reading the new thread.... I am 99.99% certain that the woman on the other site *IS* hudson's ex-F. Their stories match (what are the odds?): the timing, sex-abuse, video, her child, the neighbor and that hudson (her ex-f) is only seeing the kid, has blocked him from leaving - trying to talk to him.
The neighbor situation is properly explained by another poster there. "He remembers her, but he wants to forget HER - since she was underaged / he's married with a few kids now". Hell, the wife and I just moved and it turned out to be very close to where her AF used to live. I am aware of it, I don't give a damn because its just a building - and I'm only thinking about it now
because of the context with hudson's ex-F.
hudson is not willing to TALK to his ex-F, that he is conflicted with - yet, is dating other women. Asking for advice, but won't go to the other site to confirm her story. (afraid?) There are two choices that I already pointed out: "Get out of limbo and get HER out of limbo." Leave or Stay.
Because of this and what Laura8 said, I'm going to post parts of what the ex-F on LS has said. I think people here are not seeing the full context. This is a small part of only what ex-F said over a period of 2 months:
The guy that I had sex with that lives near me, I know I should have told my fiance about that. I couldn't do it, and it always made me nervous. I don't think he ever recognized me, honestly, and he appears to be married with kids. He was 5-6 years older. I felt like telling my fiance about that would open the floodgates. He said he didn't want to know about my sexual past, so I didn't want to tell him. I wasn't having group sex every day... I know who my sons biological dad is
If she was 14 and he was 20 - that could still get him put in jail for statutory rape. So he avoids her. She avoids him. People can do that.
Very "vanilla" is the term I've heard. Missionary almost all the time. I loved it, honestly. I know a lot of people wouldn't but I did. I wouldn't have changed it for the world. It was the complete opposite of what I was use to and I never wanted it to change. I still don't.
A 19 yr old woman I dated for 6 months when I was in my early 30s, she was into some kinky BDSM stuff - some beyond my tastes back then. She was into things I wasn't and still not. But also, I desired more intimacy that she couldn't do. I still know her today, she married with a kid today. I talked about sex life-styles not too long ago and she said "she isn't into much of that she used to do. Some guys abused her before and after me. She is quite happy to have plain vanilla sex with her husband. No oral for either of them, he's not into giving or receiving. I can vouch that she was like that back then, which was an incompatibly issue for me. I like to give.
But point is, she is quite happy with being in love with her husband's sexual style as it matches hers.
The ex-F woman who posted this... was in love with having sex with someone who didn't view her as a THING to put their penis into. That is what LOVE is about, right?
The only way I've been able to orgasm from sex was by doing things that I don't want to do ever again.
I still have to remind myself that sex isn't an obligation and it should be enjoyed. I have to remind myself not to feel gross when my ex-fiance would touch me and to stay present during sex. It took a long time and a lot of work with my therapist to stop the dissociation feelings. I don't want to go back there. It instantly pulls me back to those moments.
It didn't really bother my fiance that much. When we first started having sex it did a bit but he got over it. It was still enjoyable and felt good, the orgasm wasn't a must. I suppose I made sex more for him. All I cared about was that is was good for him, I just liked being close to him. He was willing to try other things, like oral, even though it was uncomfortable for him. At the end of the day, it wasn't worth doing something that he was uncomfortable with - and him being uncomfortable made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to be close to him, I didn't care about the rest of it.
This part of a post also doesn't match what laura had said.
She wants to be CLOSE to this man who she is in love with. That she had to open herself up to her fiancee, and not feel GROSS about herself - that his touch was from a caring person.
She posted this text long before the thread here ever started.
As I posted above to the RAINN website: after severe sexual abuse - normal loving sex is a challenge. It's something she can get some help by going to a sex therapist, hopefully. I myself have been with at least two women who couldn't have orgasms. They enjoyed the sex, even rather kinky stuff... and one was sexual and sensual. But they couldn't hit the big O.
The ex-F woman has issues, she can get help and some do learn to "let go". She isn't happy about it and its a wiring issue in her head - that *IF* she and her ex-f were to go to therapy together, could help in her recovery.
I've never been into sex with multiple partners, or half the other things I did. I grew up watching my dad beat and rape my mom, in front of me. I hid in closets so I didn't have to see and he'd pull me out and tell me to watch so I would "learn a woman's role". A lot of it I don't remember because I blocked it out. As hard as I try to forget, seeing that video brings it all back. Thinking about things I've done, makes me sick. I never wanted to be a woman with a lot of sexual partners, even now I don't. Outside of who I had sex with in that relationship, and my ex-fiance, I have never gone looking for sex.
I got out, and you know what... I was lucky to get out because of lot of people don't. So many wind up being strippers or prostitutes. I got therapy, years and years of it. I came out on the other side, but I didn't even know there was another side. I have spent far more years believing sexual abuse is normal, than years knowing it is not. That is something you cannot comprehend. If my ex-fiance knew, he would always be wondering what will trigger me or bother me, what I'm thinking. It's easier for me if it was never a thought for him. It was a long, painful, hard road to close that chapter of my life, and I wanted to leave it closed.
I was scared, terrified, to tell him. I didn't know how to tell him and have him understand rather than think of me the way so many people here have. I didn't want him to know, it was easier for me. I want to forget it all, not have to constantly be reminded of it or talk about it. I'd rather pretend that history doesn't exist. The rest of my life shouldn't be controlled by my past.
My abuse doesn't define who I am as a person. He knew me, he loved me. He didn't know my past but my past isn't who I am today. The person I am now and who I am with him, how I treat him, what I want in life, what I love, what I hate, he knew it all. Suddenly that all changes because he didn't know that someone decided to touch me as a child? He proved why I didn't tell him. Because even if someone loved me, they wouldn't stick around after knowing my past.
The ex-F woman on the other site, NEVER said her fiance was "boring in bed, unsatisfying, no pleasure aka too small" Not even close! And never a word about penis size. Could Laura be the exBF of hudson's ex-F? Why make up things that were NOT said? Projection?
You can have a big penis and still be a lousy lay. And a woman that just lays there, is also not fun (to me). Everything that laura has said about this woman, wanting gang-bangs, life-style and "double-stuffed", *WAS NEVER SAID*
as quoted above.
So, the only thing she omitted was her past sexual abuse as a teenage girl by several boys. Her ex-f didn't want to know and told her so. Which I feel that is childish of ANY person anyway. Otherwise, no cheating, no lying. She didn't want to tell you something about her past that would upset her possible future husband because he couldn't handle it and proved it so.
One man or a hundred men, as long as she doesn't have STDs and you both are in love, what difference does it make? You can get STDs from your very first sex act with another person.
Insecure that SHE is more sexually experienced? Yeah, somewhat - but that was a teenage girl who was treated as an object. Not a human being who has feelings THEN and has feelings NOW. Geez, my wife has had lingering insecurities with my sexual experiences. Typing this now and thinking about it. I'm going to tell her again how much I think she is sexy and how I am so attracted to her as a woman, my wife, mother of our son - that she is the one out of all those other women, that I love making love too and never loved anyone as much as I love her. I *do* love making love with my wife and to do anything she wants that she enjoys.
Seriously hudson. If this woman is your ex-F. Past the inital shock, you are in the wrong. You have a right to break it off with her and you need to break everything off then. But you are blaming her past which was out of her control, on the present issues. If that video was made 6 months ago - then dump her like a hot potato. Young women, teenagers are impressionable. They are easily manipulated into do things they DO NOT want to do or would not do if they were adults. That is why sexual predators are able to do what they do. I know of a 15yr old girl who thought her 30yr old boyfriend who got her pregnant was "Love" - I was so glad to watch the cops drag him away in handcuffs. Today, she is 23 years old, her child taken away from her forver by the state, got into drugs, hung around other bad-boys and is still in prison since the age of 19.
Your ex-F (if the same woman), is a strong woman, a much smarter woman who had the sense to change her life when she gave birth HER son. - her past did shape who she is today. That is the woman you "fell in love with".
She deserves someone better. Can you be a better man? If not, move on and find someone else that fits your requirements.