Reconciling with fiancée - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 09:32 PM Thread Starter
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Reconciling with fiancée

I was with my fiancée for 3 years and we have been separated for 2 months. Our engagement was pathetically short, less than a week before we separated. Our engagement didn't end due to anything she or I did in the present, it ended over something that occurred in her past that she hid from me and I discovered through a 3rd party. That 3rd party being her long term XBF that she was with for IDK 8-9 years. What she did is something that I have no respect for, and while it's hard to process the lying was worse. In the duration of her relationship with her XBF they opened the relationship to a couple dozen males and she willingly participated in frequent group sex. She presented herself as a woman who had sexual relations with a small handful of men and it was quite the misrepresentation. I'm not a man who has had sex with a large array of women. By my own decision I have only had any sort of intimacy with 5 women. That is how I was raised and where my beliefs lie, intimacy isn't something to hand out to anyone. It was a massive shock to have that information thrown at me, unsuspected. There was visual evidence to go along with it and though I tried not to look at it I was unsuccessful. Now, it is something that I cannot erase from my mind. Knowing your partner has been with other men is one game, having the visual of 4 blokes stuffed inside her and her enjoying it is another. She has been understanding and gracious during this time. She is incredibly hurt and is trying to heal while staying open to reconciliation.

She has a young child and unfortunately with the XBF mentioned above. This fellow is an idiot. There is a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than he has. He is the legal father of the child though he has no role in the child's life. I have always been close with the child and my ex has selflessly allowed me to continue that with visits. Walking away from that child would feel no different than any other present father walking away from his child.

I have been seeing new women and while I'm enjoying my time with them I cannot get my ex off my mind and have not been able to take things further with them. She is always lingering on the back of my mind. I don't talk to her and I don't see her aside from the few minutes it takes to pick up and drop off her child. Normally I would say our child but that could get confusing here. When I do see her nearly every time she is an emotional disaster. I make attempts to ignore it, be emotionless and do the exchange because I don't want to lead her on. I have been trying to move on and when we have been forced to be around each other for longer periods there is a lot of hot and cold behaviours occurring on my end. I know that confuses her.

Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was close. The parts of our relationship that were a bit harder were not deal breakers, at least not to me. What I learned about her shook up the relationship and eventually ended it, but I cannot get her off my mind and the desire to reconcile.

Is this a bad idea? Does it ever work out? The last thing that I want is to hurt her more. I don't want to try to reconcile just to walk again in a month or two.
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post #2 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 09:57 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

OP Your fiancé was on love shack right.? It has to be the same story. Anyways we heard her side of it. Now that we get to hear your side of it. I really feel for you. I don't know how or what to say to you that would help you deal with it. I mean in reality she's is human you should give her a second chance right. It's not like she did it to you. Will it's going to Drive you nuts thinking about it all the time. Which will be taxing on the relationship.

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post #3 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 10:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

I have no idea, however I doubt it. She has never been the type to share information with strangers, or even people who are not strangers.

That is a predicament. I would like to attempt to reconcile and have a happy relationship again, however I don't know if that's even possible. I don't want to get her hopes up to crush them again when I am not able to stick with it. Trust would also be problematic, I imagine on her end as well. It's not something that I can even talk to her about without getting her hopes up. If she sees a glimpse of hope, or even if she doesn't, she runs with it and hopes that I'm changing my mind. I try to remain as emotionless as possible around her, which in turn causes her to believe I'm not interested at all. Hurting her is the last thing that I want.
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post #4 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 10:27 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

What is the loveshack post?

Here is the thing, for both your benefits make sure you can get over this before you recommit, and I mean like call off the marriage and date a year or so because you have no idea yet.

First off you have the fact that this was a pretty big lie of admission, especially when you are the kind that values sex as very personal monogamous the way you do. She probably knew that and basically lied about her past. So she was prepared to hid a pretty big part of her life from you basically forever because she knew you would object to it. I like people who live their lives openly with no big secrets like this, blemishes and all, I don't trust people who are good at lying. It becomes a hard habit to break. The situation you are in now is basically one of the reasons why you don't do that.

Also part of dating is finding out if you are compatible, a big part of that is making sure you feel the same way about sex. It goes deeper even then your relationship it will impact what you teach your children and so forth so it is a VERY BIG deal. You have every right to feel the way you do. Many people would feel this way. Some don't. However worse is she basically stole your ability to do that. Not a good sign, not a sign of character. Also not a good way to build a healthy relationship when it comes to sexual compatibility. Relationships require deep levels of trust and vulnerability, she hasn't shown that, in fact she did the opposite in a very serious way.

One of the other reasons you better be really sure you are over this is because of the pictures, Sounds like they may be on the internet which means they are always gong to be on the internet unfortunately, so they will always be a part of her life at least. Sadly you can probably expect them to show up once in a while. Again something to think about. When they show up it is not fair to her that you go through this all over again. If he just sent them to you I hope she called the authorities, and again from the sound of him I bet that are on the internet. This is the unfortunate world we live in today. Big "mistakes" if that's what she thinks it is, are sometime out there in the world for everyone to see forever. This is specifically true when it comes to sexual ones.

If you commit to her again you can't hold this over her, and if you can't get over it then just move on. Everyone is entitled to deal breakers. You are the ones who have to live with it. You may not be as compatible as you thought you were. Plus the lying thing is not a good basis to start a relationship. She also deserves a man who doesn't care, and there are plenty of men will have the kind of feeling about sex and sexual history where they don't. This doesn't sound like you.

If I was talking to your GF I would tell her next time she should just put this out there pretty early, for some guys this will be a deal breaker for other not so much. Better to find out early then to waste years, live inauthentically and have happen what happened now.

My suggestion is to sufficiently detach so that you are not acting out of fear or emotion before you even consider making a decision. That means no seeing each other period. From the sound of it it will probably be good for both of you anyway. Right now the feeling are very raw. If she doesn't wait then it wasn't meant to be. If you can't wait then the same. Sorry that sounds like a sucky situation for both of you.

See post below, if the link I sent is her I change my advice.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-29-2017 at 01:18 AM.
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post #5 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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I have no idea, however I doubt it. She has never been the type to share information with strangers, or even people who are not strangers.

That is a predicament. I would like to attempt to reconcile and have a happy relationship again, however I don't know if that's even possible. I don't want to get her hopes up to crush them again when I am not able to stick with it. Trust would also be problematic, I imagine on her end as well. It's not something that I can even talk to her about without getting her hopes up. If she sees a glimpse of hope, or even if she doesn't, she runs with it and hopes that I'm changing my mind. I try to remain as emotionless as possible around her, which in turn causes her to believe I'm not interested at all. Hurting her is the last thing that I want.
If you are not going to R then it's kind of cruel and self defeating to be around her don't you think?
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post #6 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Sorry I tried to find it, not really sure how go about searching for that thread, I do not recall the name of the thread or the Original Posters screen name. But I am positive this is the same exact story it is his ex fiancé Who posted. Sorry I could not be more of help.

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post #7 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:10 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

For me this would be deal breaker. What she did was pretty bad, and her lying about it was also a big red flag. Its a massive deception. Like you I am a one person person, and I could not marry a person who thought it was ok to act that way, having sex with multiple partners at once, or even multiple partners at all. Not the person I would want to be with or have as the parent of my child.

Cut contact as much as possible is my advise, and also its really soon to be dating again and not really fair to the other ladies when you are not anywhere near over your ex.

I do feel for the child who is an innocent victim in this, but you also have to think of your future and any child you may have. Could you trust her after this massive lie? Could she been keeping other things from you as well? How would you know? Honesty is so important in a relationship.
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post #8 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:03 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by hudson View Post
I was with my fiancée for 3 years and we have been separated for 2 months. Our engagement was pathetically short, less than a week before we separated. Our engagement didn't end due to anything she or I did in the present, it ended over something that occurred in her past that she hid from me and I discovered through a 3rd party. That 3rd party being her long term XBF that she was with for IDK 8-9 years. What she did is something that I have no respect for, and while it's hard to process the lying was worse. In the duration of her relationship with her XBF they opened the relationship to a couple dozen males and she willingly participated in frequent group sex. She presented herself as a woman who had sexual relations with a small handful of men and it was quite the misrepresentation. I'm not a man who has had sex with a large array of women. By my own decision I have only had any sort of intimacy with 5 women. That is how I was raised and where my beliefs lie, intimacy isn't something to hand out to anyone. It was a massive shock to have that information thrown at me, unsuspected. There was visual evidence to go along with it and though I tried not to look at it I was unsuccessful. Now, it is something that I cannot erase from my mind. Knowing your partner has been with other men is one game, having the visual of 4 blokes stuffed inside her and her enjoying it is another. She has been understanding and gracious during this time. She is incredibly hurt and is trying to heal while staying open to reconciliation.

She has a young child and unfortunately with the XBF mentioned above. This fellow is an idiot. There is a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than he has. He is the legal father of the child though he has no role in the child's life. I have always been close with the child and my ex has selflessly allowed me to continue that with visits. Walking away from that child would feel no different than any other present father walking away from his child.

I have been seeing new women and while I'm enjoying my time with them I cannot get my ex off my mind and have not been able to take things further with them. She is always lingering on the back of my mind. I don't talk to her and I don't see her aside from the few minutes it takes to pick up and drop off her child. Normally I would say our child but that could get confusing here. When I do see her nearly every time she is an emotional disaster. I make attempts to ignore it, be emotionless and do the exchange because I don't want to lead her on. I have been trying to move on and when we have been forced to be around each other for longer periods there is a lot of hot and cold behaviours occurring on my end. I know that confuses her.

Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was close. The parts of our relationship that were a bit harder were not deal breakers, at least not to me. What I learned about her shook up the relationship and eventually ended it, but I cannot get her off my mind and the desire to reconcile.

Is this a bad idea? Does it ever work out? The last thing that I want is to hurt her more. I don't want to try to reconcile just to walk again in a month or two.
What's that make your X fiancé? She went along with him.

You'd better take some time away from ALL this before you martyr yourself. If you go back and marry this you have to accept it for what it is 100% permanently.
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post #9 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:17 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Sorry I tried to find it, not really sure how go about searching for that thread, I do not recall the name of the thread or the Original Posters screen name. But I am positive this is the same exact story it is his ex fiancé Who posted. Sorry I could not be more of help.
This it?

Google lets you find anything.

If it is, man it's sad. I think it is, so I also want to change my advice. If this woman is telling the truth is sound like she was abused from a very young age and taken advantage of by a sick man. Also sounds like this sick man is still trying to abuse her. This changes the story from what sounded like a very adventurous girl in collage who basically kept it quiet, to a sexual abused girl who was pressured into doing things she didn't want by an abusive boyfriend. I get it she didn't tell you. That was her mistake and wrong, but I don't think it was a lie of malice but a lie of shame. Even though the lie was wrong, the motive for the lie was not one of evil.

OP do you love this girl? If you do then it may be worth fighting your feelings when it comes to her past. Only you know her for who she is now and you know better if she is telling the truth here in this post or not. If you think she is I think you guys should start over. I think you should give her a second chance, but let her know that honesty is needed moving forward, and this is part of the test. I am not saying be cautious, I am say be very cautious but it may be worth it.

Also you both should see if you can take some legal actions against the ex. What he did is illegal, and he may try to do it again

One more thing, in a way this ex-boyfriend is abusing you. And you are kind of letting him do it. He wanted to use this thing to destroy a good thing you had in your life. I don't know but if it me, that would make me pissed. I mean F this guy. Why does this garbage get to define who your ex gets to be with and what her worth is. You had a good thing going before this right? He is still manipulating her life and you with it. With out knowing it you kind of let him do it and abuse you too.

Finally this may all be an elaborate ruse and is so I will be the sucker and play along. If it's not and you and this women are real, you owe it to yourself and her to read everyone of her posts. Post that she had no reason to lie in because she never even told you about them, and from your words here you had no idea.

It will take counseling but if this is true you love the kid, and you loved her. I say a good man would fight, fight the thoughts, fight the evil ex boyfriend, and fight for what should be his family. Sh!t this story makes me want do drive to Canada and kick the ex's @ss all the way to Mexico. It would also make me want to fight for her because she need for someone to fight for her once in her life. Is that person you OP?

Last edited by sokillme; 01-29-2017 at 02:01 AM.
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post #10 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:27 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
This it?

Google lets you find anything.

If it is, man it's sad. I think it is, so I also want to change my advice. If this woman is telling the truth is sound like she was abused from a very young age and taken advantage of by a sick man. Also sounds like this sick man is still trying to abuse her. This changes the story from what sounded like a very adventurous girl in collage who basically kept it quiet, to a sexual abused girl who was pressured into doing things she didn't want by an abusive boyfriend. I get it she didn't tell you. That was her mistake and wrong, but I don't think it was a lie of malice but a lie of shame. Even though the lie was wrong, the motive for the lie was not one of evil.

OP do you love this girl? If you do then it may be worth fighting your feelings when it comes to her past. Only you know her for who she is now and you know better if she is telling the truth here in this post or not. If you think she is I think you guys should start over. I think you should give her a second chance, but let her know that honesty is needed moving forward, and this is part of the test. I am not saying be cautious, I am say be very cautious but it may be worth it.

Also you both should see if you can take some legal actions against the ex. What he did is illegal, and he may try to do it again


Finally in that case I think you should both go get counseling.


I didn't read the love shack post but the way he described it I got the same impression. That she was abused and manipulated into doing that.
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post #11 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:16 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

People change and what is in the past stays in the past. That is what is supposed to happen. Unfortunately her past is a pretty bad one. Something this big should have been told to you when you two got really serious; like moving in together and then engagement to marry.

That was her mistake really. If she is not the same woman that did those videos, then you should realize that that part of her past is just that; a bad time in her past. She had more lovers than you had thought she had. Did she tell you at anytime that she had only been with the handful of people you thought she had been with or did she state it?

If she didn't give you any numbers, then she didn't lie to hide this from you. She did it because it was something she felt ashamed of committing before your time with her. Some of us do things that we live to regret, this was probably hers. To her that mistake was just that. A mistake in her life and not relationships with all these other men she had sex with. Whether is was with one at a time or 20. It was a mistake. She paid for it already with the shame she felt for doing it that long ago. If she doesn't have any STDs, can you let it go? Why in the world are you seeing others so soon? If you love her kid like yours and continue to see him, when are you going to let that poor child go if you can't forgive what momma did before your time with her?

If you can't forgive, then let them go.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #12 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:22 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

READ HER POSTS! It is a lot more then that. She didn't have any lovers, she had a young man predator who could tell she came from a family of abuse, sexual in nature, started dating her at like 13. Basically this guy was grooming her so he could repeatedly rape her and to eventually basically prostituting a very damaged child (her at 18) so he could score drugs. Then after she gets away from all that and starts a new life when he see the engagement photo the ex sends her fiance a video he has saved of the abuse just so he can maintain control. Again if this is real then there is a whole level of sh!t going on here that is just plain evil. It's nothing like we are all assuming. It's amazing she's not dead. She should have told him, but hell from her posts OP said he didn't want to know and didn't care about her past, and I think he was being honest, he didn't care, he just didn't know the level of crap it was.

It's hard for me to believe it is real because it is so awful. If it is real she need a break, it would be a risk for OP, but the fact that she is still alive basically powered only by the love of her kid says to me this woman is not a bad person. She just had a terrible break being born into an awful situation. I think if two people were fighting for her she may make it.

OP if you are a musician then you can assume her posts are real because how would I know, and you should read her post with an open mind, knowing again that she wrote them with pure honesty not even wanting you to read them.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-29-2017 at 02:39 AM.
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post #13 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:32 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Even before I read the linked thread, which broke my heart btw, I thought you were out of line OP.

What your fiance did or didn't do before you even met her, is nothing to do with you.

She was taken advantage of by a ********* and you're now worried that you can't trust her?? Seriously?? SHE should be the one worried about trusting you - look what happens when she's honest with you. You dump her like a piece of garbage when in reality she is the exact same person she was the day before you found out about this.

She's better off without you.
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post #14 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:51 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
This it?

Google lets you find anything.

If it is, man it's sad. I think it is, so I also want to change my advice. If this woman is telling the truth is sound like she was abused from a very young age and taken advantage of by a sick man. Also sounds like this sick man is still trying to abuse her. This changes the story from what sounded like a very adventurous girl in collage who basically kept it quiet, to a sexual abused girl who was pressured into doing things she didn't want by an abusive boyfriend. I get it she didn't tell you. That was her mistake and wrong, but I don't think it was a lie of malice but a lie of shame. Even though the lie was wrong, the motive for the lie was not one of evil.

OP do you love this girl? If you do then it may be worth fighting your feelings when it comes to her past. Only you know her for who she is now and you know better if she is telling the truth here in this post or not. If you think she is I think you guys should start over. I think you should give her a second chance, but let her know that honesty is needed moving forward, and this is part of the test. I am not saying be cautious, I am say be very cautious but it may be worth it.

Also you both should see if you can take some legal actions against the ex. What he did is illegal, and he may try to do it again

One more thing, in a way this ex-boyfriend is abusing you. And you are kind of letting him do it. He wanted to use this thing to destroy a good thing you had in your life. I don't know but if it me, that would make me pissed. I mean F this guy. Why does this garbage get to define who your ex gets to be with and what her worth is. You had a good thing going before this right? He is still manipulating her life and you with it. With out knowing it you kind of let him do it and abuse you too.

Finally this may all be an elaborate ruse and is so I will be the sucker and play along. If it's not and you and this women are real, you owe it to yourself and her to read everyone of her posts. Post that she had no reason to lie in because she never even told you about them, and from your words here you had no idea.

It will take counseling but if this is true you love the kid, and you loved her. I say a good man would fight, fight the thoughts, fight the evil ex boyfriend, and fight for what should be his family. Sh!t this story makes me want do drive to Canada and kick the ex's @ss all the way to Mexico. It would also make me want to fight for her because she need for someone to fight for her once in her life. Is that person you OP?
She stayed with the boyfriend for many years and as an adult she willingly took part in what they did. Not sure how you see this as abuse? For all we know she was even keener than he was and was the driving force behind it. Some women are.

Last edited by Diana7; 01-29-2017 at 06:59 AM.
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post #15 of 287 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:58 AM
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Re: Reconciling with fiancée

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Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
Even before I read the linked thread, which broke my heart btw, I thought you were out of line OP.

What your fiance did or didn't do before you even met her, is nothing to do with you.

She was taken advantage of by a ********* and you're now worried that you can't trust her?? Seriously?? SHE should be the one worried about trusting you - look what happens when she's honest with you. You dump her like a piece of garbage when in reality she is the exact same person she was the day before you found out about this.

She's better off without you.
How can you possibly know that she was taken advantage of? She may well have been an equally willing participant in this, and also she wasn't honest, she never told him what she had done. She kept it secret all this time. He found out through another person.She wasnt a little girl being abused, but an adult who willingly went out with this man for a long time and willingly took part in sex with many partners. She could have left him any time.

Yes it is relevant what we have done in the past, especially if we are going to get married and have children.They should be no sordid secrets in marriage.
I would wonder what else she was keeping from me in his place.I can understand his position, I wouldn't marry a man who thought it was ok to act that way, and I wouldn't trust a man who had lied about it, and would probably have married me keeping that to himself.
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