Sexless honeymoon - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:22 AM Thread Starter
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Sexless honeymoon

I'm laying in a hotel room next to my new husband in Hawaii and I'm miserable. This is the fifth day of our honeymoon and we have not had sex. I honestly don't even think about it until this time of night because we have so much fun together just hanging out. My husband is 15 years older than me, but I don't think his age is a factor because we had sex all the time before we had our son, since my pregnancy we have sex about once a month, it always feels like he's doing a chore to me and it makes it so that I don't enjoy it or want to initiate it or anything, I'm honestly not happy with that being the way it is at home, but I feel so hopeless with him not wanting to please me on our honeymoon. I don't really know how to approach him because I know it's a sensitive subject for men and I don't want to hurt his self esteem even though mine is at an all time low because of this. We love each other so much but I sort of feel like loving me without wanting to have sex with me means you love me as a friend, and not as a wife. I don't want this issue to snowball, but I also don't want to ruin the rest of our trip, at the same time, it's my honeymoon too and this is really not what I thought it would be like. I was really hoping for romance. What should I do?
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:04 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

Talk with your H, ask him!
How old are you both?

Make the moves on him
Have you made any moves on him or are just waiting for him to make the moves on you?
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

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Originally Posted by Emma Esslinger View Post
What should I do?
If you were expecting him to be romantic and very sexual with you on your honeymoon, and you need that to be happy and feel loved, here is what you need to do...

Since you two used to have a lot of sex before your son was born, something has changed. It could be that your husband is under a lot of stress. He could also know that (even without telling him) that you expect him to give you stellar sex during this honeymoon and that can actually be adding to his stress. He could be struggling with asking himself if he made the right decision to get married, and that question can be the result of the stress that he has.

So you need to let go of your expectations and ask yourself, "what can I do to make my spouse feel loved sexually?" Sex should be relaxing, fun, and a place for your relationship to bond and heal. Sex can NOT be a place in the relationship where one person feels entitled or needs intercourse in order for their spouse to make them happy. Of course we all feel incomplete without it.

My suggestion is to initiate sex by talking about working together to put a spark back in the bedroom. Explain that you are OK if he is feeling stressed that you do not want to add to that stress, but instead help him relax and enjoy your relationship. Ask him what he needs to relax? Talk to him about your masturbation habits and his and ask him if you can demonstrate to him how you do it while he holds you and perhaps just watches. This will help relieve his anxiety to perform for you, hopefully spark some desire, which can lead to you two gently touching and exploring each other with your hands.

Do try to convince him to get naked and just hug. Enjoy rubbing each other's back and try to improve communication about what is going on. Try not to expect him to please you, instead try to be easy to please even if you have to demonstrate to him how you do that on your own.

Hope that helps,
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

That's not a good start, and unfortunately it's likely a sign of things to come.

You've been having sex once a month since you were pregnant, so you've had a fair warning of this, I'm sorry to say.

But the fact that you're on your honeymoon (I assume - HOPE-) without the kid(s) ) and there's been nothing... that's something to be concerned about.

The first thing that popped in my head, and it may be wrong of course, is that it's no coincidence sex has slowed down/virtually stopped since you were pregnant. 15 year age difference, so I'll guess he's ~40 and you're in your mid-20's, plus or minus a couple of years.

As we all know, pregnancies can do two things (sometimes just one) - change a woman's body, and change a man's view of her. Either of those could have put him off, rightly or wrongly. If your body has changed, that may be it. And/or he may now view you as a 'mother' first. Either way, to him you're no longer the nubile, sexual, young woman you were prior. Men can suck like that

Don't discount the fact that parenthood and all the responsibility that comes with it can affect men the same way it affects women, and some things no longer become priorities. If this is the first prolonged time you two have spent alone in a while, he may simply be relishing that fact, and sex is far down the list of priorities. Still not justified, though, but all the same.

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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

Roofie him.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:01 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
As we all know, pregnancies can do two things (sometimes just one) - change a woman's body, and change a man's view of her. Either of those could have put him off, rightly or wrongly. If your body has changed, that may be it. And/or he may now view you as a 'mother' first. Either way, to him you're no longer the nubile, sexual, young woman you were prior. Men can suck like that
I would describe the situation of seeing a woman transform from a hot sexy girlfriend into a caring mother of your children as one that will definitely change the dynamics in the bedroom. Love has seasons, and seasons change. Each season has its beauty, but some people struggle to adjust to the change by thinking that something is wrong just because things are changing.

Sex is a lot about personal validation, and what we need to feel validated after having children and becoming responsible for them will change. Before having kids validation may be asking yourself if you can make your partner happy. After starting a family, validation may take the form of asking yourself do we want to have more children or will one be enough for us to be happy. Conversations about these things can unlock what has changed and how to pursue better intimacy in the marriage.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

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Roofie him.
OMG! Don't do that...

I do wonder if it is OK to actually not do it, but only claim that you did and it was awesome! Just to see how he responds to the joke?
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

What happens if you just start feeling him up under the covers? Does he actually push you away or act annoyed? I can't see how physically expressing your desire for him would hurt his self-esteem. I do understand how it feels to be turned away, and can relate to your growing reluctance to initiate. The LD spouse never seems to grasp the harm they're doing.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:55 AM
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My husband was like this for a long time after I had our son. Basically the birth of our child and my changing body put him off. Was he in the room during the birth? My husband said feels like he saw a little much and wished he would have stepped back a little. This was over 4 years ago and me and him are just now having this conversation. Unfortunately it's because he has now had an affair and we are putting everything out on the table.
My husband turned to porn during this time. I think it became an addiction. Even after I got my body back, he still continued to watch. Our sex life never got better.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

Edited to add: OMG, just realized you already have a child together. In that case, I think you should talk to him and give him 3 to 6 months to get the sex to an acceptable level. If he can't find it within himself to have sex with you on a regular basis after 6 months of trying to work through the issue, then my advice below applies.

I had the same experience. No sex on honeymoon. Well, technically, we had sex once and she said "oh good, now you cannot get it annulled". Then no more until last night when I had to beg her for another session.

She was wrong. I could have gotten the marriage annulled when we got back from our honeymoon. And that is what you should do. Once the wheels touch down back home from the honeymoon, you should go to the nearest courthouse and file to have your marriage annulled. Do not "have a talk". Do not go to MC. Little or no sex on the honeymoon is a huge blazing red flag that your marriage is going to be a disaster. Not just over the lack of sex. But over disregard of your needs and feelings. Anyone who can deny you sex on your honeymoon can deny you anything any time and prioritize their own needs and feelings 100% of the time. You don't want to be married to such a person. Period. Full stop.

You could always allow the person to date you and win you back after the annulment. But I would not. Go find someone who is not capable of denying your heart-felt need to that extent. Go find someone who, when you tell them you need something from them, is desperate to get it for you instead of desperate to find an excuse not to.

Remember Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:
1. Do not marry someone while there is a sexual mismatch, it isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids with someone while there is a sexual mismatch, it isn't fair to the kids.
You already violated #1. Do not violate #2. Just makes it harder when you eventually decide to break up. And if you can't fix the sex, you will break up. In your hearts if not on paper.

Not easy to take my advice but I promise you are only setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain if you don't. Sex that slowly tails off over time as life gets busier and more complex (house, mortgage, kids, etc.) can be resolved with effort and good intention. Sex that shuts off abruptly upon marriage is very hard to turn around because the fact that it shut off so abruptly (without accident or injury or illness as a trigger) is strong indication that good intention is absent (at least on one side).

When you can see it coming, duck!

Last edited by Holdingontoit; 01-30-2017 at 09:58 AM. Reason: Just read more about their child together.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

Can you try talking to him? It can be all sorts of things. Some men have a real psychological issue with viewing their wives as both mothers and lovers - nothing to do with physical appearance, just a weird hangup.

Any physical problems for either of you?

When you had sex frequently, was it good for both of you. Were you well matched in interests, or were there a lot of times one of you would have to turn down the other for something they wanted.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

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Originally Posted by Emma Esslinger View Post
I'm laying in a hotel room next to my new husband in Hawaii and I'm miserable. This is the fifth day of our honeymoon and we have not had sex. I honestly don't even think about it until this time of night because we have so much fun together just hanging out. My husband is 15 years older than me, but I don't think his age is a factor because we had sex all the time before we had our son, since my pregnancy we have sex about once a month, it always feels like he's doing a chore to me and it makes it so that I don't enjoy it or want to initiate it or anything, I'm honestly not happy with that being the way it is at home, but I feel so hopeless with him not wanting to please me on our honeymoon. I don't really know how to approach him because I know it's a sensitive subject for men and I don't want to hurt his self esteem even though mine is at an all time low because of this. We love each other so much but I sort of feel like loving me without wanting to have sex with me means you love me as a friend, and not as a wife. I don't want this issue to snowball, but I also don't want to ruin the rest of our trip, at the same time, it's my honeymoon too and this is really not what I thought it would be like. I was really hoping for romance. What should I do?
Do not accept this dynamic the longer you do the harder it will be to fix. The more upset you will get. The easier it will be to settle. You have a right to expect him to give himself to you sexually. It is one of the major tenants of marriage.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:00 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

Hey Emma,

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, and am sorry that you're feeling so low on your honeymoon. I can't tell you what to do, but I suppose I would try to say something to him, gently. My honeymoon was much the same way, so I know what you're feeling. And, I'm sure that all relationships are different, but for us anyways, things got worse before getting minutely better. We stopped having sex shortly after our wedding, then picked it back up once a week on a schedule. It's not good, but it's something. We had many talks about it, which served no purpose other than to frustrate us both. If I were you though, I would just kindly sit him down and mention to him that you're very unhappy in this regard, and what can you guys both do to fix the situation. Set a time limit, and if nothing improves by that time, sit down again, and tell him that you're serious about things needing to change in this regard. If nothing still improves, that's when I would let him know that this is a deal breaker, and that if you guys really cannot get the situation to improve, you will be forced to leave.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emma Esslinger View Post
I'm laying in a hotel room next to my new husband in Hawaii and I'm miserable. This is the fifth day of our honeymoon and we have not had sex. I honestly don't even think about it until this time of night because we have so much fun together just hanging out. My husband is 15 years older than me, but I don't think his age is a factor because we had sex all the time before we had our son, since my pregnancy we have sex about once a month, it always feels like he's doing a chore to me and it makes it so that I don't enjoy it or want to initiate it or anything, I'm honestly not happy with that being the way it is at home, but I feel so hopeless with him not wanting to please me on our honeymoon. I don't really know how to approach him because I know it's a sensitive subject for men and I don't want to hurt his self esteem even though mine is at an all time low because of this. We love each other so much but I sort of feel like loving me without wanting to have sex with me means you love me as a friend, and not as a wife. I don't want this issue to snowball, but I also don't want to ruin the rest of our trip, at the same time, it's my honeymoon too and this is really not what I thought it would be like. I was really hoping for romance. What should I do?
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

Sorry for my ignorance, but what is an LD spouse?

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The LD spouse never seems to grasp the harm they're doing.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Sexless honeymoon

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Sorry for my ignorance, but what is an LD spouse?
Low Desire or Drive (for sex)

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