Originally Posted by pcpain
The "do I..don't I?" sex issue is really tough I know...we all have our needs even when we are dealing with a world of crap!
You feel all these contrary feelings towards your other half...love/hate...desire/disgust etc.....you must take this at your own pace not his.
Have you had sex with him at all since??
Yes, but I didn't "take part" in it much ..... until two nights ago.
I'm confusing myself!!! I don't know anything anymore.
Since DDay, I was scared of it.. and if I gave into it, I didn't want to do anything... just lay there.
I was afraid to try because I keep thinking about the AP's... if they were better..
Then, hous after I posted this thread.. all of a sudden I thought... "So what if they can touch him better?" I wanted to get off.. so I went at it.
I also feel a love/hate relationship to my orgasms.. I think my orgasms are weird. If I'm in the right mindset, I'm comfortable, and I allow my orgasm to come naturally, not forced... and I feel emotionally connected, they are literally mind blowing for me. On occasion, before my husband's affairs, I could climax with very little physical stimulation - just by looking into his eyes. So I realize that mine are more mentally/emotionally tied, versus physically/visually...
When I orgasm, I literally lose control of my whole body and shake uncontrollably, as well. They sometimes, often times, last upwards of 5 minutes each... I can try to calm down and enjoy it silently, eventually in this calm the shaking stops.. but even the slightest hint of his breath on my neck or lightest touch of his hand ANYWHERE on me can get me Rolling again on another full blown orgasm. I have to ride it out completely and sort of wait a moment for my mind to "switch gears" again before I can have any sort of physical contact without it sending me another shock wave of pleasure.
At first I was insecure about this because I thought it must look/seem silly. But I recently decided instead of not enjoying my orgasm due to forcing it to stop out of embarrassment, I was going to ride them out and enjoy them in all their glory - what an ego booster this must be for him! I guarantee he has never seen a woman orgasm like me, and having seen the grin on his face I know it's just one more thing he would miss about me.
I have ravished him for the past two nights, allowing myself to be greedy and allowing myself to use him for my needs.... exhausting him but he is smiling.
Besides, he is after all, the only person that can bring me there. There is no AFFAIR that I could have on a whim that would lead me to orgasm.. it would require a lot of time and dedication to get to know the person, then the harder part would be developing a feeling of LOVE towards them... and in order for me to even have a CHANCE at accomplish that, I would have to completely disconnect with my husband first.. and readily let go of him.... I can't just disconnect, I can't let go. I really don't want to.
So... I don't see that as possible. Yup, if I want to "come".... he's the key.
So whether I am just sub-consciously facing my fear..
Or realizing that the only way I can get to climax is by "letting go" so I can meet my sexual needs.
Or if I'm somehow, magically not afraid of "failure" anymore...
Or if it's a coping/healing phase?
Maybe I've just gone mad.
But I'm turning into a sex crazed monster.