GoingNowhere

Someone please help me!

I'm not sure I'm ready to head towards R or D.. and I know sex in limbo is probably not a good idea.. but I can't NOT.. I just can't. And I can't go outside of my marriage. I can't just "have sex".. Love has to be involved.. and even though my DS has done the unthinkable, I still love him..

I'm stupid, I know.

I do want to work on this.. but I realize my BIGGEST obstacle is sex.

I am afraid of it now.

I can't even look at him naked.. the images of his body being in the hands.. on the body of someone else.. it's too much.

But if I continue to hold back and "lay there" because I can't stand the thought to touch him.. really touch him... This will never work.

I wish sex was JUST SEX to me.. but it isn't.

marksaysay

For most women, sex is never just sex. I guess my question would be what is he doing to help repair your marriage? Did you just let him come back without him showing a desire to do any heavy lifting? A DS should show genuine remorse and a desire to make things right. You should also have some expectations such as a NC letter, total transparency, etc.
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EleGirl

I can understand why you feel like this. Your husband's extra marital activites have apparently had a devistating affect on you.

From what you have said you cannot trust him, you have no idea if he's still carrying on with others, why would you trust him.

Your not wanting to touch him is really your heart/mind protecting you from the damage he has done and might still be doing. The fear of STDs along would be enough to shut most people down.

It's a protective mechanism, listen to it.

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blueskies30

I'm dealing with this too!! My husband just admitted to an affair and it is so shocking!! He says it was only 1 time and he feels so guilty. So guilty that he does not deserve me.

WE were already seperated when this happened. So we have not had sex since like July?? My desire for him was already building before he told me of the affair. He has also been more loving to me.

I'm having the opposite of you. I can't wait to see my husbands body, to feel him and touch him again. We have recently started kissing and he has recently started those hugs with wandering hands a bit. he is reserved though.

I don't feel it would be rewarding my husband, but reconnecting us becasue it is called making love when you love someone. Its not just sex.

pcpain

The "do I..don't I?" sex issue is really tough I know...we all have our needs even when we are dealing with a world of crap!
You feel all these contrary feelings towards your other half...love/hate...desire/disgust etc.....you must take this at your own pace not his.
Have you had sex with him at all since??
P

pcpain

I understand your difficulty, to you (and me) sex and love are the same thing, totally connected and inseparable..so your difficulty here is the fact that you are usure of your love and thefore unsure of sex with him.
Once you decide your future...stay or go....the sex issue will be decided also:

Stay = have sex with him to re-connect as soon as you can

Go = don't have sex as it will give him all the wrong signals.


Sex will give him a green light that all is ok and re-connecting sexually gives a sign of intent to carry on the relationship...

In the meantime there's always other means of....errrrrrrrrr....relief...

Laurae1967

How long has it been since you found out about the affair? If it hasn't been that long, it is very understandable why you would feel weird about it. But don't feel pressured to just "get over it" for fear of losing you husband. You have to be honest about your feelings so that he can help you work through it.

GoingNowhere

Yes, but I didn't "take part" in it much ..... until two nights ago.

I'm confusing myself!!! I don't know anything anymore.

Since DDay, I was scared of it.. and if I gave into it, I didn't want to do anything... just lay there. I was afraid to try because I keep thinking about the AP's... if they were better..

Then, hous after I posted this thread.. all of a sudden I thought... "So what if they can touch him better?" I wanted to get off.. so I went at it.

I also feel a love/hate relationship to my orgasms.. I think my orgasms are weird. If I'm in the right mindset, I'm comfortable, and I allow my orgasm to come naturally, not forced... and I feel emotionally connected, they are literally mind blowing for me. On occasion, before my husband's affairs, I could climax with very little physical stimulation - just by looking into his eyes. So I realize that mine are more mentally/emotionally tied, versus physically/visually...

When I orgasm, I literally lose control of my whole body and shake uncontrollably, as well. They sometimes, often times, last upwards of 5 minutes each... I can try to calm down and enjoy it silently, eventually in this calm the shaking stops.. but even the slightest hint of his breath on my neck or lightest touch of his hand ANYWHERE on me can get me Rolling again on another full blown orgasm. I have to ride it out completely and sort of wait a moment for my mind to "switch gears" again before I can have any sort of physical contact without it sending me another shock wave of pleasure.

At first I was insecure about this because I thought it must look/seem silly. But I recently decided instead of not enjoying my orgasm due to forcing it to stop out of embarrassment, I was going to ride them out and enjoy them in all their glory - what an ego booster this must be for him! I guarantee he has never seen a woman orgasm like me, and having seen the grin on his face I know it's just one more thing he would miss about me.

I have ravished him for the past two nights, allowing myself to be greedy and allowing myself to use him for my needs.... exhausting him but he is smiling.

Besides, he is after all, the only person that can bring me there. There is no AFFAIR that I could have on a whim that would lead me to orgasm.. it would require a lot of time and dedication to get to know the person, then the harder part would be developing a feeling of LOVE towards them... and in order for me to even have a CHANCE at accomplish that, I would have to completely disconnect with my husband first.. and readily let go of him.... I can't just disconnect, I can't let go. I really don't want to.

So... I don't see that as possible. Yup, if I want to "come".... he's the key.

So whether I am just sub-consciously facing my fear..
Or realizing that the only way I can get to climax is by "letting go" so I can meet my sexual needs.
Or if I'm somehow, magically not afraid of "failure" anymore...
Or if it's a coping/healing phase?

Maybe I've just gone mad.

But I'm turning into a sex crazed monster.

pcpain

Do you think you've been holding back slightly in the bedroom....not letting yourself go fully when you come in the past?
Has he felt you holding back?

pcpain

Sex without love and total connection is a quite empty experience...you still come but it just doesn't feel the same, almost like having half an orgasm not a full one!
When you look deep into the eyes of the one you love and come there is no better feeling in the whole world.
But, we can learn to love others......
P

38m3kids

I totally can relate to the OP, but ultimately I have to draw the line and be selfish here. I still think about her with him, even during sex.. But man she is good in that department and I'm only hurting myself when I hold out!!