After children... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Changeseeker1 View Post
He is a really attentive fiancée most of the time. I'd appreciate more *me* time in the form of an undisturbed bath more than once a week. (Nothing like a week without a bath to kill libedo in a woman)

I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.

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You do it but it's probably clear to him that you don't want to.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #17 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: After children...

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You do it but it's probably clear to him that you don't want to.
Yeah. I understand that probably is the case. But I feel that if I wasn't pressured so soon so nastily my sex drive would have come back naturally and I would be gagging for him by now.

P.s. I could never sleep with someone if I thought for a second they didn't want to. It's a bit rapey. It's unfair.

He better pray his prostate doesn't give him trouble in 20 years because pay back is a bit ch.

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post #18 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Changeseeker1 View Post
Yeah. I understand that probably is the case. But I feel that if I wasn't pressured so soon so nastily my sex drive would have come back naturally and I would be gagging for him by now.

P.s. I could never sleep with someone if I thought for a second they didn't want to. It's a bit rapey. It's unfair.

He better pray his prostate doesn't give him trouble in 20 years because pay back is a bit ch.

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I think that it's clear that you had the right intentions all along and your H demanding sex right after giving birth was out of line. Some guys are very scared that their wives will lose interest all together after birth and their sole interest will be on their children and not them.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #19 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: After children...

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He is being insensitive, but I can sort of see this both ways. You cut him off of sex completely and expect him to respect you and want to be your husband. That's not going to fly with most men. You have to assure him that although it won't be now that sex at some point will return. There are so many posts here that say that after the first child sex never returned and the marriage went south. Your marriage will do the same unless you can convince your H that sex will return.
This is interesting and true. That said, perhaps there is a correlation with the the couples that stop having sex post child and those where the husbands turned into a whiney second child post child. It would make sense. I can think of very few things that would have repulsed my wife more. Toss in the emotional blackmail ("I'll get a hooker") and he's batting .900 on the aSS-clown meter.

As others have said, she needs to set some boundaries.... and top them with razor wire.
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post #20 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: After children...

I can totally understand wanting a sex life back, but the way he has tried to get it has ultimately caused more damage than the birth ever could. I think I know that now.
But how do I get over it? Past the resentment it's duly caused. I want to keep our relationship, I want him to feel loved and valued, but I don't trust he, in the difficult times, will afford me the respect or value in return. The sexual desire has been twisted to suit him and I want that to change.

In general, Why is a short term sex refusal a no go, mistreatment even to the rejected, but ongoing sexual demand is OK and normal? That's not considered mistreatment, or unfair. It seems like a complete double standard to me.

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post #21 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:42 PM
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Cool Re: After children...

With both of my kids, my XW's marching orders from her OB/Gyn was 6 weeks post birth and only after a scheduled examination ~ with absolutely no exceptions!

IMHO, your SO is nothing more than a gross, selfish, insensitive lout!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-31-2017 at 05:14 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #22 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: After children...

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Well, there you go - say that to him.

"Honey, if I had an hour of undisturbed 'me time' to take a bath 3 nights a week, it might take a couple or few months but I think that would help me get my drive back".

Then hopefully follow up assuming he takes the bait. Men love to solve problems, he's go a problem and if you define a reasonable solution I bet he'd go for it.
I've said the bath thing many, many times. Still didn't change.
I was hoping a de-stress in the tub and feeling fresh might help my libedo for myself and my own sexual desires, as this can work for me. But I'm still on weekly baths 11 months on. I've even pointed out that it could equal more sex. Still nothing changed. It can also feel like it's my punishment for not giving him his desire for sex. Like a trade off. Which leads to further resentment to be "in the mood."

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post #23 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: After children...

Your husband is a selfish prick and he has NO BUSINESS telling you to put out or he'll hire a hooker!!!!! If my husband ever said that to me his a$$ would be out the freaking door so fast he would NEED a hooker to find his ****. Good lord.

Tell the jerk that he either gets himself into some kind of therapy to learn how to cherish his WIFE and the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, or YOU are going to go out and find someone who treats you decently!!!!!! And then freaking DO it.
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post #24 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:32 PM
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Re: After children...

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Within 4 weeks of giving birth to our daughter, my partner, who I love with all my heart, gave me an ultimatum of resume sex or he'll find it somewhere else.
"what's the point of having a Mrs?" He also insulted me for not having shaved my lady garden amongst other things and left me really emotionally wounded.

As you can imagine, so soon after birth, I was not ready for sex at all. We had a brief sexual attempt 2 weeks after birth that frankly disgusted me. It felt wrong, I was still bleeding. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel close to the cocreator of our wonderful baby girl and have a cuddle but it led to sex.

Months have flown by and I have "fulfilled my duty" at least once every 2 weeks. Despite being exhausted breastfeeding and still not having a full nights sleep. The same argument has raised it head a number of times as it got to the 2 week mark and I was threatened with prostitutes and he began to stop helping run our home and children or showing any kind if affection towards me.

Before the birth, even throughout pregnancy our sex life was good, it was equal. I wanted it and he wanted it. Happened a few times a week. Back when there was TIME and energy.

Now my feeling of wanting sex has gone. Initially I put it down to birth and hormones breastfeeding, but it's almost a year since I gave birth. I think this has become a psychological rather than hormonal issue.

I want to want him again but his nastiness and how he's handled the sex issue echoes through my mind most days. How could he possibly care about me or respect me and say such cruel things when I was at my most vulnerable? He's obviously apologised after each argument but then repeated the same thing again within a month or 2.

I want to have sex with him because I want to, not because I have to. This dynamic has been the destroyer of my passion and self esteem.

How do I get past this?
This is pretty shocking. Wow. So much so, I asked MrsMarriedDude...If she could give me a quick review (we've had 3 children)...and a suggestion of what she would do had I either been the same or similar.

She Strongly Suggests.....BaseBall Bat. To the Dome.

I, offer another suggestion...Have you talked to his father about this? He might be able to help your husband....who apparently doesn't understand biology, healing, empathy.......compassion...and so forth. Hearing at least a little bit of reality from someone that has been in his shoes might help......(Or...he could get you that Bat)

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #25 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: After children...

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This is pretty shocking. Wow. So much so, I asked MrsMarriedDude...If she could give me a quick review (we've had 3 children)...and a suggestion of what she would do had I either been the same or similar.

She Strongly Suggests.....BaseBall Bat. To the Dome.

I, offer another suggestion...Have you talked to his father about this? He might be able to help your husband....who apparently doesn't understand biology, healing, empathy.......compassion...and so forth. Hearing at least a little bit of reality from someone that has been in his shoes might help......(Or...he could get you that Bat)
I spoke to him mum, she was disappointed in him and sad I'd given in to him "for an easy life."
I believe he is also disappointed in his reaction too. He has been good in other ways possibly to compensate.
But the issue won't go away in my head and it's making it hard for me to reconnect organically, without the "I'll just have to or he'll cheat/turn into the nasty barsteward again" running through my mind.

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post #26 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Changeseeker1 View Post
I spoke to him mum, she was disappointed in him and sad I'd given in to him "for an easy life."
I believe he is also disappointed in his reaction too. He has been good in other ways possibly to compensate.
But the issue won't go away in my head and it's making it hard for me to reconnect organically, without the "I'll just have to or he'll cheat/turn into the nasty barsteward again" running through my mind.

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He somehow needs to be brought to understand the reality. When you needed his strength, his support....He withdrew it. This has caused part of your love for him to wither. Just as he was once mindful of your needs as he sought to win your affections....He will need to do so again. Just make sure he knows it's possible. It may take outside help.

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #27 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: After children...

I really want to thank you all for your replies today.
I have carried this inside me for months, eating away at me. Questioning whether I was overreacting or highly sensitive or hormonal. I thank those who saw the seriousness of his actions and understand the damage it has caused.
Thanks for validating my pain, strangers from the interwebs xxxx

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post #28 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: After children...

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I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.

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This is the problem. And I don't want to sound mean but this is your problem. Why are you doing something you don't want to do? Only you have control of your body, if you don't want to have sex don't. Stop acting like a victim, he is not making you, you are deciding to.
You have sex with him and then get angry and made at him for something you decided to do. It's not fair. Your going to get so much anger and resentment for him it's going to ruin your marriage. DONT have sex if you don't want to.
You need to be an adult and take responsibility for your actions. Respect yourself! Don't get mad at him because your having sex with him. Get mad at him because he is threatening and manipulating you, but never ever do anything you don't want to do because only you are to blame. If he wants to leave you and have are with someone else... then goodbye!!! Why be with someone like that? He is probably just bluffing anyway to get you to do what he wants.
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post #29 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: After children...

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This is the problem. And I don't want to sound mean but this is your problem. Why are you doing something you don't want to do? Only you have control of your body, if you don't want to have sex don't. Stop acting like a victim, he is not making you, you are deciding to.
You have sex with him and then get angry and made at him for something you decided to do. It's not fair. Your going to get so much anger and resentment for him it's going to ruin your marriage. DONT have sex if you don't want to.
You need to be an adult and take responsibility for your actions. Respect yourself! Don't get mad at him because your having sex with him. Get mad at him because he is threatening and manipulating you, but never ever do anything you don't want to do because only you are to blame. If he wants to leave you and have are with someone else... then goodbye!!! Why be with someone like that? He is probably just bluffing anyway to get you to do what he wants.
Wow. That is so right isn't it? The anger is a good portion directly at myself for the manipulation succeeding. I never thought of it that way.

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post #30 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:06 PM
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Re: After children...

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I've said the bath thing many, many times. Still didn't change.
I was hoping a de-stress in the tub and feeling fresh might help my libedo for myself and my own sexual desires, as this can work for me. But I'm still on weekly baths 11 months on. I've even pointed out that it could equal more sex. Still nothing changed. It can also feel like it's my punishment for not giving him his desire for sex. Like a trade off. Which leads to further resentment to be "in the mood."

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What are you talking about! You have to be kidding! Why are you only taking a bath once a week??? I mean come on.
You need to take control of your life more. Stop waiting around for him. Take the baby, give him to your fiancé and TELL him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Why is this so hard?? A year with a weekly bath come on seriously...

You are probably so full of resentment for him because your blaming this all on him. Come on girl! Your an adult, do what you want! You want to take a bath? Take the baby put him in the bouncer and on the bathroom floor while you bath. I don't understand why this hasn't crossed your mind? Instead you want to pin this all on your fiancé that you only bath once a week. You have some serious issues.
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