After children... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
What are you talking about! You have to be kidding! Why are you only taking a bath once a week??? I mean come on.
You need to take control of your life more. Stop waiting around for him. Take the baby, give him to your fiancé and TELL him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Why is this so hard?? A year with a weekly bath come on seriously...

You are probably so full of resentment for him because your blaming this all on him. Come on girl! Your an adult, do what you want! You want to take a bath? Take the baby put him in the bouncer and on the bathroom floor while you bath. I don't understand why this hasn't crossed your mind? Instead you want to pin this all on your fiancé that you only bath once a week. You have some serious issues.
Errr OK. Now you're getting a bit mean.
Don't you think I've tried that? She just cries after 5 mins, wanting to see what I'm doing. It's not much to ask for him to give me 20mins to bathe in peace?

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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: After children...

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I can totally understand wanting a sex life back, but the way he has tried to get it has ultimately caused more damage than the birth ever could. I think I know that now.
But how do I get over it? Past the resentment it's duly caused. I want to keep our relationship, I want him to feel loved and valued, but I don't trust he, in the difficult times, will afford me the respect or value in return. The sexual desire has been twisted to suit him and I want that to change.
The reason that you continue to feel resentment towards him is that he has shown you he has no intent of stopping his sh1tty behavior. He then uses disingenuous apologies to keep you in line.

As long as you continue to accept this behavior, he'll continue to do it. Learn to respect yourself, learn to set boundaries, and drop the rose-colored glasses. You need to see your fiancee for exactly the kind of man he is. Only then can you decide if he is really as good as you claim he is.
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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Changeseeker1 View Post
Errr OK. Now you're getting a bit mean.
Don't you think I've tried that? She just cries after 5 mins, wanting to see what I'm doing. It's not much to ask for him to give me 20mins to bathe in peace?

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Give him the baby and tell him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Then lock the door. The end.
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
What are you talking about! You have to be kidding! Why are you only taking a bath once a week??? I mean come on.
You need to take control of your life more. Stop waiting around for him. Take the baby, give him to your fiancé and TELL him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Why is this so hard?? A year with a weekly bath come on seriously...

You are probably so full of resentment for him because your blaming this all on him. Come on girl! Your an adult, do what you want! You want to take a bath? Take the baby put him in the bouncer and on the bathroom floor while you bath. I don't understand why this hasn't crossed your mind? Instead you want to pin this all on your fiancé that you only bath once a week. You have some serious issues.
i hope that OP is not saying she only bathes once a week, but instead that she finds baths more relaxing and might help her get in the mood. Babies in a bouncy seat work pretty great for quick showering. Not so if the point is to relax.

OP, i think katie has a really good point. If you want something, then you must fight for yourself to have it in a constructive way. It seems like you want to be treated nicely and to be respected.

I don't think that's your job to just get over your fiancee's poor treatment of you, on your own. You said you wanted to know how to "get over it". But when someone treats us badly, usually we cannot just bury it, smooth it over and move on. That resentment is going to keep building until all your love is gone.

an apology means, "i'll try not to do it again". It's not just a word to say so that there is peace between now and the time he does the sh!tty thing again. Your fiancee is just placating you with that word. "Sorry".

he is outright telling you that if you don't put out he is going to cheat with a hooker. WTH. One doesn't coerce or threaten sex from a partner who has just had a baby and should not even be having sex. Just no. Maybe I would advocate that he could tell you his needs will be met elsewhere if you had cut him off with no valid reason, and there was lots of time and discussion involved. but that's an either/or. either we have sex or i get my needs met elsewhere. Not, i'm getting a hooker, and i will expect you to accommodate me next time like nothing happened and carry on with our marriage.

And did I read he withholds affection in order to get more sex? so backwards.

It is not your job to get over being made to feel like a machine whose job is to give him sex. Somebody needs to sit this guy down, and let him know that this is not how things will go. You created a tiny human together. His job is to help with the baby, and/or support you while you care for baby. Set good boundaries for yourself. Decide what you will do and set your course. The longer you tolerate this behavior, the longer it will go on.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Changeseeker1 View Post
Errr OK. Now you're getting a bit mean.
Don't you think I've tried that? She just cries after 5 mins, wanting to see what I'm doing. It's not much to ask for him to give me 20mins to bathe in peace?

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If he isn't doing what you need, then you need to do what you need. Yes men SHOULD do this and SHOULD do that, but if they don't because sometimes men are being dumb and insensitive then you need to find a way to make it happen. Give him the baby and take a bath, lock the door.
Raising a baby with no help is exhausting. If he isn't helping then recruit a parent. Mom can you please come over and watch the baby so I can take a bath and take a 3hr nap? People want to help. You just need to ask for it.
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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
The reason that you continue to feel resentment towards him is that he has shown you he has no intent of stopping his sh1tty behavior. He then uses disingenuous apologies to keep you in line.

As long as you continue to accept this behavior, he'll continue to do it. Learn to respect yourself, learn to set boundaries, and drop the rose-colored glasses. You need to see your fiancee for exactly the kind of man he is. Only then can you decide if he is really as good as you claim he is.
yes! exactly what I was trying to say! Except, you know. better. and more concise

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
If he isn't doing what you need, then you need to do what you need. Yes men SHOULD do this and SHOULD do that, but if they don't because sometimes men are being dumb and insensitive then you need to find a way to make it happen. Give him the baby and take a bath, lock the door.
Raising a baby with no help is exhausting. If he isn't helping then recruit a parent. Mom can you please come over and watch the baby so I can take a bath and take a 3hr nap? People want to help. You just need to ask for it.
yes. recruit help if need be.
But teach him that he has to help take care of the child you made together. Do not ask for basic needs.
Take, to ensure that your basic needs are met.

Do not enable his crappy behavior!
How is he showering? i'll bet it's you. you keep an eye on the baby while he showers.
This should be reciprocal.

Baby cries while you're in the bath? "honey, the baby needs you"

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:34 PM
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After children...

I feel like the OP is the women version of "the nice guy" for men. It's called martyr syndrome. You take on too much because you have a good heart and you want to do everything and never say no but inside you secretly hate everyone who isn't helping but you don't ask for help.
I know a lot of women with this syndrome and it drives me nuts lol. You think your being nice but in reality your building up resentment and sometimes keeping score in your head. Let it gooooo.

Let me tell you something about men. (No offense to men, ear muffs). But men are kinda dumb in this area. But they love us very much, they just need direction. They want to help but honestly don't know how to help. Sometimes you just have to tell them what to do. Tell them exactly what you need and you will be surprised. Give him a chance to help you.

And if he doesn't... then he's a dousch not worthy of marriage.
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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:46 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I feel like the OP is the women version of "the nice guy" for men. It's called martyr syndrome. You take on too much because you have a good heart and you want to do everything and never say no but inside you secretly hate everyone who isn't helping but you don't ask for help.
I know a lot of women with this syndrome and it drives me nuts lol. You think your being nice but in reality your building up resentment and sometimes keeping score in your head. Let it gooooo.

Let me tell you something about men. (No offense to men, ear muffs). But men are kinda dumb in this area. But they love us very much, they just need direction. They want to help but honestly don't know how to help. Sometimes you just have to tell them what to do. Tell them exactly what you need and you will be surprised. Give him a chance to help you.

And if he doesn't... then he's a dousch not worthy of marriage.
I agree about the martyring, and i mean this in the nicest way possible OP. Because i did this for a number of years, carried everything on my shoulders and didn't ask for help. To my credit, there were extenuating circumstances, but in hindsight I wish that I had been able to let it go then like I do now.

And I hope that if your fiancee doesn't get his head on straight that you have the strength to drop him like a hot potato.
For the good of your family, I hope he gets with the program though.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:19 PM
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Re: After children...

Thanks for the replies. I've only had 2 serious relationships and both were abusive. It's hard to know what's normal and what's not sometimes. You're right tho. I do do *everything for my family, I also have a son with autism spectrum disorder so normal can sometimes be a challenge. I have little outside help and it's mostly for the eldest son when I do get help. My partner is my only support.

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post #41 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: After children...

I cannot get over the many posters on here that present the male sexual urge as something he has no control over.
FFS! have men never heard of self-control, they are not dogs that must do it when the urge strikes. If that was the case then there is little to differentiate this type of thinking from the thinking in the country I live in that its ok for certain religions to have more than one wife because the man MUST (at all costs) have his sexual urges satiated. (never mind the consequences)


What about the wife!
1. she has just given birth
2. probably is very sore down there - there was blood and all when having sex
3. probably feels used and abused
4. He is a ****in prick because what he is doing now will come back to haunt him as she will be resentful and women never forget!

OP's H is a brute and any man who can't keep it in his ****ing trousers at this time can always smack the donkey in another way. He doesn't deserve a wife.
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post #42 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:33 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
You do it but it's probably clear to him that you don't want to.
You try squeezing an 7 pound baby through a small hole and all goes with that and see how horny you would be after than, god you guys make me sick!

His behaviour has turned her off altogether. If my H did that to me, I would kick him out and tell him not to come back. He has no regard for her at all, no respect, no consideration. As I said he doesn't deserve a wife, he needs a prostitute or a goat would probably do the job.
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post #43 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:39 PM
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Re: After children...

Wow. I had to stop reading before I puked.

Tell him that you just had a baby, things are not the same as they use to be and if he wants to be a selfish prick after your brought his child into the world then he can go f*** a prostitute and when he does you will not be there.

Selfish POS.

You are not a blow up doll. He needs to learn to respect you and if he wont, then stop being his slave.


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post #44 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 05:02 AM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Changeseeker1 View Post
I've recently bruised my tailbone and am in pain constantly. We still had sex a few nights ago. He knew it was causing me pain but he never stopped. He asked if I was ok a lot during and I mumbled "hmmmm", but a brain dead monkey could see I was in agony and wasn't enjoying it. He continued to completion and told me he was sorry a bit after. Still never touched or held me while we were going to sleep together.

Like I've said, he is not being denied his sex. He gets it. It's that I don't want to, most of the time.
So strong is the urge to get rid of that one ounce of semen/sperm.

Some men will rape to squirt it.

And some will kill.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the "price" of survival of the species.

Look at the lower animals, say Big Horn Sheep. The males run at each other at full speed. Slam their heads together. For what?
So that they are the ones delivering the sperm!

Ain't life grand!

I must admit..........release does feel damn good! No head bashing, please.

Oh God, next post please.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #45 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: After children...

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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
The reason that you continue to feel resentment towards him is that he has shown you he has no intent of stopping his sh1tty behavior. He then uses disingenuous apologies to keep you in line.

As long as you continue to accept this behavior, he'll continue to do it. Learn to respect yourself, learn to set boundaries, and drop the rose-colored glasses. You need to see your fiancee for exactly the kind of man he is. Only then can you decide if he is really as good as you claim he is.
This is Blunt.....AND VERY TRUE

We teach people how to treat us. We do this everyday....without even noticing. He needs re-training. You can do this.

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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