After children... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
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After children...

Within 4 weeks of giving birth to our daughter, my partner, who I love with all my heart, gave me an ultimatum of resume sex or he'll find it somewhere else.
"what's the point of having a Mrs?" He also insulted me for not having shaved my lady garden amongst other things and left me really emotionally wounded.

As you can imagine, so soon after birth, I was not ready for sex at all. We had a brief sexual attempt 2 weeks after birth that frankly disgusted me. It felt wrong, I was still bleeding. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel close to the cocreator of our wonderful baby girl and have a cuddle but it led to sex.

Months have flown by and I have "fulfilled my duty" at least once every 2 weeks. Despite being exhausted breastfeeding and still not having a full nights sleep. The same argument has raised it head a number of times as it got to the 2 week mark and I was threatened with prostitutes and he began to stop helping run our home and children or showing any kind if affection towards me.

Before the birth, even throughout pregnancy our sex life was good, it was equal. I wanted it and he wanted it. Happened a few times a week. Back when there was TIME and energy.

Now my feeling of wanting sex has gone. Initially I put it down to birth and hormones breastfeeding, but it's almost a year since I gave birth. I think this has become a psychological rather than hormonal issue.

I want to want him again but his nastiness and how he's handled the sex issue echoes through my mind most days. How could he possibly care about me or respect me and say such cruel things when I was at my most vulnerable? He's obviously apologised after each argument but then repeated the same thing again within a month or 2.

I want to have sex with him because I want to, not because I have to. This dynamic has been the destroyer of my passion and self esteem.

How do I get past this?
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post #2 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: After children...

He's quite selfish... and that selfishness has changed sex from =love to now =chore for you (with someone you don't really like much).

He needs to figure out "why" he's a colossal aSS...and that will probably need some IC...and I'll bet he would be against that.

If he won't address the problem, what do you do? It's lather, rinse, repeat at that point.

I would certainly shy away from any more kids for now. As draining and terrible as this was, it would be magnified tenfold with another little one.

My story:

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post #3 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:08 AM
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Re: After children...

Originally Posted by Changeseeker View Post
How do I get past this?
Your husband is being incredibly insensitive!

Be very aware that stress can have very different impacts on one's sexuality. Stress make some people crave sex as it is a way to make themselves feel good and relax. While for other people they need to first be relaxed and confident about everything, and the idea of having sex while under stress would be the last thing they would want to happen.

So if you have a four week old child, odds are your husband is under an tremendous amount of stress. His body is responding to this stress by giving him a strong desire for sex. If you reject your husband for sex, this only increases his stress and indirectly his need for sex.

You need to DEFUSE this situation! Give your husband a back rub. Take his desire for you as a compliment that you are beautiful. Ask him to tell you why he is so attracted to you, and enjoy listening to what he has to say. Work on helping calm him down. Perhaps give him a HJ or BJ or you are still soar. If you are still soar, explain to him that you want to but to please give you more time to heal.

Hope that helps,
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post #4 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:11 AM
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Re: After children...

If he can be so blunt with him about wanting sex with you, then you have to be equally blunt with him that you don't want sex with a boor like him.
If he doesn't have any consideration for you and what you have been through, let him go screw prostitutes and tell him not let the door hit him on the way out, but don't bother coming back.

If this is what he is like now, can you imagine what he will be like when you in your middle age or if you are ill and cannot service him, he sounds awful.
Kick him out to let him think about his behaviour.
Tell him you need to be respected and cherished. Stand up for yourself.
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post #5 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: After children...

How do I get past this?
Before you can "get past" something you must first catch up to it. Spend a little time at the same speed, watching it outside your side window. Then kicking it into high gear and pulling ahead and away from that "this".

If you could leap over him, never viewing his selfish azz from the side, I would say do that.

Better yet, make a sharp right turn. Leave him with his cold, hard mindedness, his hard edge, his hard head and his hard dik to himself. Tell him to use his hand to satisfy himself. Only that appendage is worthy of this self appointed Prince, dub him, "His Lowness".

Take him up on his offer. Tell him to go get himself a prostitute. And tell him "Don't come back".

It is obvious to me, that he is not happy with the thought of you with a new baby, taking your time away from him and his pleasure. He knows that with nursing, bathing, and feeding, he is at the back of the line.
Welcome to marriage. That is the price of having precious children. What an idiot.

I bet if he had asked nicely from the beginning, treated you nicely from the beginning, he could have least gotten a hand job from you. Too late now.

Prepare for an exit out of this marriage. Take your time.

Sorry for your pain.

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post #6 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: After children...

Yikes, he has gone about his part all wrong.

How were you after the birth of your other kids? What precedence was set?

This is difficult because now you are both reacting on high, negative emotions. Even after an apology your mind doesn't wipe away all the hurtful things he said and did, and you caving into sex doesn't wipe away that his wife is so different than she used to be.

You are his wife, and a year after a baby, he should be able to come to you for this marital pleasure he seeks. You should be his only outlet. If he is being denied that, you do put him in a precarious situation. You need to try hard to forgive his eagerness and caveman tactics right after the birth. It's been a year now. You are his wife. If you are unwilling to provide him with sex on a somewhat regular basis, then divorce and set him free.


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post #7 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: After children...

I've recently bruised my tailbone and am in pain constantly. We still had sex a few nights ago. He knew it was causing me pain but he never stopped. He asked if I was ok a lot during and I mumbled "hmmmm", but a brain dead monkey could see I was in agony and wasn't enjoying it. He continued to completion and told me he was sorry a bit after. Still never touched or held me while we were going to sleep together.

Like I've said, he is not being denied his sex. He gets it. It's that I don't want to, most of the time.

Last edited by Changeseeker1; 01-31-2017 at 08:52 AM.
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post #8 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: After children...

The ladies ought to love this .

His timing is all off, there is really no excuse for his ****ish behavior and pressure to resume sex so soon.

On the other hand, if he'd been understanding and supportive for 6 months to perhaps a year and then made this play I'd be all on his side.

Also, whats up with the 2 ID's?
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post #9 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: After children...

Originally Posted by anonmd View Post
The ladies ought to love this .

His timing is all off, there is really no excuse for his ****ish behavior and pressure to resume sex so soon.

On the other hand, if he'd been understanding and supportive for 6 months to perhaps a year and then made this play I'd be all on his side.

Also, whats up with the 2 ID's?
I couldn't log back in with the first ID despite trying!
First time on a forum 😊
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post #10 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: After children...

This is a very difficult period for both spouses. I feel for both of you. You can exit this period (baby in the house) as a stronger team or as enemies. Takes both of you working together to build a stronger bond. Only takes one of you not working at it to destroy your love.

Yes, he was a boor. Yes, baby in house and Mom breastfeeding will mean less sex for Dad for a while. He should accept the unavoidable reality and be less of a selfish jerk about that. But you need to be as sympathetic to him as he is to you. It HURTS many men to go without sex. Not just physically but even more deeply, emotionally. We feel rejected and worthless. I know lots of women think those are just words that men use to get into your pants but they are not. The pain and rejection and feeling of worthlessness are real.

The fact that you just went through delivery and you have a new baby in the house may kill of your desire but it probably doesn't affect his. As @badsanta posted, the stress may well increase your H's level of desire and need for you. I know, not welcome, but just as real as your decreased desire.

And that is the problem. His desire for you is not welcome. Problem is, he likely cannot separate his desire for you from his love for you. So if you tell him to pack up his desire and send it away, there is a substantial chance that his love for you will go with it. Yes, it would be great if he could love you without desiring you so powerfully, but many people (men and women) simply cannot. It is a package deal. If I love you, I desire you sexually. If you prevent me from acting on my sexual desire for you, my love for you disappears. Sad (when not reciprocated), but true.

So you can work with him on ways to satisfy him sexually that are not so painful and bothersome for you. I agree you should not do anything that causes you physical pain, much less agony. Or you can leave him hanging. But if you think he can and should simply wait until you are feeling strong urges for sex before you guys have sex again, realize that you may be saying that he can and should wait until you feel a strong urge for sex before he loves you again. And I don't think that is what you want. Would be great if he could compartmentalize and take joy from the baby and jettison his need for sex for a while. But he simply may not be capable of doing that. Many people cannot. Doesn't make him bad or wrong or evil for having this need despite it being inconvenient for you.

Similarly, it isn't bad or wrong or evil of you to wish that you didn't have to have any sex until the baby feeds and clothes and bathes itself. Just makes you guys a (very normal and typical and unremarkable) bad match for each other at the moment. Something you both need to work through if you want to be a good match for each other later on. Because if you think you can just tell him to go stuff his needs for a couple of years and then have a loving and caring H at the back end, you are fooling yourself.

Just as he is fooling himself if he thinks the baby and the changes in your body are not going to affect his sex life. He is likely going to get less frequency and less enthusiasm than before the baby arrived. You are probably going to have to perform more frequently and with more enthusiasm than you are feeling at the moment. If both of you compromise and sacrifice for the good of the relationship, you will both appreciate each other more over time. If one ro both of you holds back and insists on having things "my way", then likely one or both of you will not appreciate the other very much in a few years.

No matter what else you do for your child, don't fool yourself into thinking that you are being a great Mom if your selfishness leads to Dad walking away. Dad leaving is a bigger deal than timely feedings or breastmilk vs bottle or timely changing and avoiding diaper rash or any single session of doing some "baby enhancement" activity. That doesn't mean this is all on you. Like I said, Dad should stop being a selfish jerk and should accept that reality has changed. Permanently. And that his behavior can affect how good or bad the change is. So it is in his own interest to make wise choices and support his wife so she is more motivated to reciprocate. BOTH of you need to pull back in some areas and push forward in others.

Just saying that focusing 100% of your attention on the baby and 0% on your H is NOT optimal. SO you should not see time with Dad as always selfish by dad and taking something away from the baby. You are giving the baby an invaluable gift. Mom and Dad getting along and loving each other every year for the rest of their lives is priceless. Try your best to get that for your child. And if that means you have a little less time and energy for the baby, trust me, years from now the baby won't complain. Every time he sees Dad kiss Mom and Mom smile, the former baby will smile (inwardly - outwardly the former baby will say "eww, gross, get a room you guys, that is disgusting!). And that is when you will realize that the time you took away from baby for Dad was well worth it.

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post #11 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: After children...

Unless he becomes emotionally mature, selfless, and, basically a man, I don't see this marriage lasting. I'm sorry you married such a selfish prick. You can't change him, but you have to put up some strong boundaries, otherwise he will walk all over you. When he threatens to get a prostitute, tell him to go get one but to never come back and never touch you again. You have to quickly get to a point in which you are self-sufficient and can be on your own. That will let him know you don't need him, that you're not needy and not afraid to lose him. Put the fear of God into him.
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post #12 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: After children...

He is being insensitive, but I can sort of see this both ways. You cut him off of sex completely and expect him to respect you and want to be your husband. That's not going to fly with most men. You have to assure him that although it won't be now that sex at some point will return. There are so many posts here that say that after the first child sex never returned and the marriage went south. Your marriage will do the same unless you can convince your H that sex will return.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #13 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: After children...

He is a really attentive fiancée most of the time. I'd appreciate more *me* time in the form of an undisturbed bath more than once a week. (Nothing like a week without a bath to kill libedo in a woman)

I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.

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post #14 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: After children...

When I first read this post, I thought your children were going to be 4 YEARS old and you were avoiding sex. I'm sorry for my quick judgement towards you. I thought you were going to be another Headache Helga type of wife and used the children as an excuse not to want sex.

4 WEEKS? 4 WEEKS? Is he actually serious? Has the doctor even given the OK for intercourse by then?

I would have FLIPPED out if he made threats like that towards me. Especially the prostitutes. Nothing makes me lose respect for a man than when he pays for sex. (Oddly enough I don't lose respect for women in this relationship dynamic.) Like really, he has to PAY to get someone to touch him?

It's been a year. I'd stand up for myself and tell him to **** off. I'd want a delayed apology. I'd also say YOU'LL resme sex when he resumes some manners. He won't like that ultimatium anymore than you did.

PS I broke my tail bone! Worst pain of my life. Could even go down steps because of the pressure. Had to crawl like a baby. Feel better.
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post #15 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: After children...

Originally Posted by Changeseeker1 View Post
He is a really attentive fiancée most of the time. I'd appreciate more *me* time in the form of an undisturbed bath more than once a week. (Nothing like a week without a bath to kill libedo in a woman)

I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.

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Well, there you go - say that to him.

"Honey, if I had an hour of undisturbed 'me time' to take a bath 3 nights a week, it might take a couple or few months but I think that would help me get my drive back".

Then hopefully follow up assuming he takes the bait. Men love to solve problems, he's go a problem and if you define a reasonable solution I bet he'd go for it.
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