HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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You and I have had such similar experiences in this regard. I am so sorry...
I thought I was having a "senior" moment reading it because it was so similar to yours! LOL!
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post #17 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Ellis,

First of all, I want to say that I am THRILLED that you started this thread! I'm hoping we can all learn a lot from it

What I've bolded is very true. But there are reasons the LD thinks this about HD's. You wrote that there are "plenty of times" that you wanted sex because you were craving intimacy/closeness/connection. But that means that there are also probably "plenty of times" that you ARE just 'rockin' a ragin woody' trying to get your rocks off. And there isn't a reliable way for the LD to differentiate.

Look at it this way: If you found yourself suddenly unmarried, would you suddenly become LD? Probably not. Would you be seeking out sex because you wanted the intimacy or because you were horny? To some LD's it would seem like you're trying to have it both ways, and expecting the LD to 'know' the difference.
You know I was waiting for you to chime in @Vega

I agree that it may not always be clear for an LD to differentiate. However, this is where I think having an open line of communication comes into play. To me it isn't really about differentiating each and every time you have sex whether it is for the connection or you are just a flat out hornball (also, it could very well be a combination of both). It is more the unwillingness to work with your SO (meaning both the HD and LD working together).

That being said, and I think this could be very situational based on how the SO treats you, your drive vs SO, and a variety of other factors, what is wrong with being a hornball and wanting to have sex with your SO, well, simply b/c you are in a monogamous relationship (i.e. Sex with that one person only is hopefully a condition of that relationship lol). This of course doesn't mean that the SO has to be at your call whenever you want to get off, but I think it is healthy when both people in the relationship want to please one another.

To answer your other question, no I would not just seek out sex with anyone because I was horny (sounds like this could be an assumption an LD could make of an HD, could be true for some and untrue for others such as myself)
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post #18 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I'll address the last part.

Being high HD, I am aware that Mrs. Conan is not actually physically capable of having intercourse with me as often as my natural itch happens.

So I have worked on myself to redirect my energies and in effect lower my libido a bit.

I still masturbate to relieve tensions and occasionally take care of myself a lot but she has full knowledge and neither of us has bad feelings about the other concerning it.
I think this is the difference. I was also the HD in a few relationships. But I had no problem taking care of myself WITHOUT causing grief to my partner. If I approached my partner and he didn't want to have sex, I would ask him if he wanted a backrub/footrub instead. Sometimes he would accept. Others, he wouldn't.

I guess I just never thought of sex as a huge part of whether or not I was "desirable", nor did I think of it as the ONLY way (or even the BEST way) to be intimate/close/connected with someone. Maybe that was the LD in me...
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post #19 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I think this is the difference. I was also the HD in a few relationships. But I had no problem taking care of myself WITHOUT causing grief to my partner. If I approached my partner and he didn't want to have sex, I would ask him if he wanted a backrub/footrub instead. Sometimes he would accept. Others, he wouldn't.

I guess I just never thought of sex as a huge part of whether or not I was "desirable", nor did I think of it as the ONLY way (or even the BEST way) to be intimate/close/connected with someone. Maybe that was the LD in me...
Well it depends on how your partner interacts with you as well.

I have observed that most people have a set of seduction triggers or switches, that when tripped, especially in the right order, become almost mindless with lust and ravenously in need of sex/fvcking.

Sorry but sex is almost too tame of a term for what I am trying to describe.

I am a proponent of seduction skills and have developed them for a very long time.

I have been nearly raped by women that were considered frigid or untouchable by their friends and acquaintances.

I believe knowing your own seduction triggers and learning your partner's is amazing and maybe not practiced as much as it should be from the sounds of what many say on TAM and in real life.
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post #20 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
One thing I have encountered as being a higher drive person:

- The notion that if you want sex it must be because you are a walking hornball. There are plenty of times I want to have sex with my W not because I am rockin a ragin woody, but more because I crave the intimacy/closeness/connection. I think at times an LD person is unable to differentiate
this, that there is more to sex then just trying to get your rocks off.

On the other side, I can say being a HD person, making the mistake of assuming that if you try hard enough, that should be enough to make an LD person less "LD".

But @EllisRedding if it is just the intimacy/closeness/connection you crave, then there should be plenty of other ways to express that other than by just getting your rocks off together! It sounds as though your rocks are confused!

Why can't you just enjoy a simple snuggle while you comfort your wife by allowing her to talk about all the things in the day that really stressed her out really bad? Why do you have to pressure her to suddenly switch gears and jolt her into trying to enjoy your penis being inside of her? WTF is wrong with you...

...that is my impression of an LD wife by the way.
As you said they are unable to differentiate our need to connect with them and enjoy making each other feel good after a stressful day. Often for an LD, instead of sex being something that helps one relax and unwind, it becomes a source of anxiety that his/her partner is in need of attention. Much like a baby crying to be held so it can calm down. The LD is exhausted and simply wants to be held and comforted while they let go of all their negative energy from the day.

In reality both the HD and LD are seeking ways to calm anxiety, but just need different things from one another.
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post #21 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I'm currently LD but have been HD most of my adult life, with dips depending on the strength of the relationship. I'm HD while single, just for the irony.
In my experience pushing a LD into it when they don't want it makes the situation worse.

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post #22 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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But @EllisRedding if it is just the intimacy/closeness/connection you crave, then there should be plenty of other ways to express that other than by just getting your rocks off together! It sounds as though your rocks are confused!

Why can't you just enjoy a simple snuggle while you comfort your wife by allowing her to talk about all the things in the day that really stressed her out really bad? Why do you have to pressure her to suddenly switch gears and jolt her into trying to enjoy your penis being inside of her? WTF is wrong with you...

...that is my impression of an LD wife by the way.
As you said they are unable to differentiate our need to connect with them and enjoy making each other feel good after a stressful day. Often for an LD, instead of sex being something that helps one relax and unwind, it becomes a source of anxiety that his/her partner is in need of attention. Much like a baby crying to be held so it can calm down. The LD is exhausted and simply wants to be held and comforted while they let go of all their negative energy from the day.

In reality both the HD and LD are seeking ways to calm anxiety, but just need different things from one another.


Hmmm...

I never thought of sex as a way to "relax and unwind after a stressful day". Bubble bath, yes. Reading, yes. Enjoying a nice dinner out, yes. Watching comedy on t.v., yes.

But sex tends to wake me up!

As for a day being "stressful", I think we overuse that term. Seems that so many people these days are "stressed out" over the smallest things.
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post #23 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Agree with the caveat that a LD person can develop if they desire to.

Mrs. Conan became LD about 10 years in and just told me that she didn't feel the same sexually as she use to.

I have always been HD and possibly getting more HD with middle age and working through my emotional issues.

After many heartfelt discussions and work by both of us, she has increased her libido drastically and altered her nature.

She is initiating sex every day, become far more confident in and out of the bedroom and is honestly starting to intimate me with her abilities.

I don't know if intimidate is the correct term, maybe overwhelmed or surpassed. Those terms are probably more accurate.
It's good to know that being LD can be temporary although her change in desire may have alot to do with where she is in the marriage. If the two of you are always at odds, the LD state may stay that way.

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post #24 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

There is a lot of range. Some HD people might better be described as sex addicts - wanting sex >1/day as a purely physical thing, not caring about their partners. Some LDs want sex less than once a month, no matter what the circumstances are, even if their partners are the most wonderful people in the world.

Then there are relatively LD and HD people where the HD may prefer sex daily, and the LD weekly.

In these discussions, the LDs who are posting are typically of the second sort, wanting sex maybe a bit more often than weekly, but paired with a HD of the first sort who insists on sex all the time.

The HDs posting typically are the second sort, wanting sex a few times a week, but paired with LDs of the first sort who essentially never want sex.

This makes the discussion difficult.


One thing that applies to me, and I think other (moderatly) HD people is that I do not separate sex from other forms of intimacy. I view it as a natural part of everyday intimacy, hugs, kisses, touches - not as a separate activity. Its clear on the other hand that my LD wife views it as an entirely separate activity.
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post #25 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Regarding truly LD people - it would be interesting to do a study to see how many of them have symptoms that would put them on the ASD spectrum. I've read a lot on high functioning autism because my son is borderline, and one thing I have come across more than once is that people on the spectrum tend to run very LD. #1 because they have a hard time connecting emotionally and #2 because many of them can't handle intense physical sensations. And many of the ones who do have higher sex drives often end up coming across as "horndogs" as it was put earlier, because they don't engage their emotions during sex and often come across as selfish regarding their partners' needs. I have often wondered if this was my husband's problem.

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post #26 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Regarding truly LD people - it would be interesting to do a study to see how many of them have symptoms that would put them on the ASD spectrum. I've read a lot on high functioning autism because my son is borderline, and one thing I have come across more than once is that people on the spectrum tend to run very LD. #1 because they have a hard time connecting emotionally and #2 because many of them can't handle intense physical sensations. And many of the ones who do have higher sex drives often end up coming across as "horndogs" as it was put earlier, because they don't engage their emotions during sex and often come across as selfish regarding their partners' needs. I have often wondered if this was my husband's problem.
I have a ASD son also and would argue that they're just as capable being HD. craving and obsessing over release. Also breaking routine etc having difficulty if partner refuses sex on a Friday when that always do it on a Friday. I'd say ASD could go either way.

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post #27 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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You know I was waiting for you to chime in @Vega


Yeah, you KNEW that I couldn't resist!

As for the rest of your post below, I DO want to respond to it. But because of what a few posters have written after your post, I have to re-think what I wanted to say. I'll have to come back to this later.

Quote:
I agree that it may not always be clear for an LD to differentiate. However, this is where I think having an open line of communication comes into play. To me it isn't really about differentiating each and every time you have sex whether it is for the connection or you are just a flat out hornball (also, it could very well be a combination of both). It is more the unwillingness to work with your SO (meaning both the HD and LD working together).

That being said, and I think this could be very situational based on how the SO treats you, your drive vs SO, and a variety of other factors, what is wrong with being a hornball and wanting to have sex with your SO, well, simply b/c you are in a monogamous relationship (i.e. Sex with that one person only is hopefully a condition of that relationship lol). This of course doesn't mean that the SO has to be at your call whenever you want to get off, but I think it is healthy when both people in the relationship want to please one another.

To answer your other question, no I would not just seek out sex with anyone because I was horny (sounds like this could be an assumption an LD could make of an HD, could be true for some and untrue for others such as myself) :grin2
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post #28 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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There is a lot of range. Some HD people might better be described as sex addicts - wanting sex >1/day as a purely physical thing, not caring about their partners. Some LDs want sex less than once a month, no matter what the circumstances are, even if their partners are the most wonderful people in the world.

Then there are relatively LD and HD people where the HD may prefer sex daily, and the LD weekly.

In these discussions, the LDs who are posting are typically of the second sort, wanting sex maybe a bit more often than weekly, but paired with a HD of the first sort who insists on sex all the time.

The HDs posting typically are the second sort, wanting sex a few times a week, but paired with LDs of the first sort who essentially never want sex.

This makes the discussion difficult.

I think this is very true. My ex-husband was approaching me for sex so often that I was probably turning him down 75% of the time. And yet, we were having sex usually 5+ times per week, sometimes a good bit more. He would - and did - absolutely describe me as frigid and told both of our MCs that I just didn't like sex. The gulf between my preference for 2-3 times a week and his preference for 2-3 times a day was just so large that one of us was bound to be at least somewhat unhappy. And, yet, I'm not sure I could objectively be described as LD. Nor, I imagine, would his drive be an issue for someone with a drive similar to his own. Our respective drives were simply not compatible.

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post #29 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Hmmm...

I never thought of sex as a way to "relax and unwind after a stressful day". Bubble bath, yes. Reading, yes. Enjoying a nice dinner out, yes. Watching comedy on t.v., yes.

But sex tends to wake me up!

As for a day being "stressful", I think we overuse that term. Seems that so many people these days are "stressed out" over the smallest things.
Sex is THE BEST way to relieve stress!!! For me, anyway--I'm always relaxed and dreamy after.

Don't discount how "stressed" people are. It's our culture now, unfortunately. And those little, daily stressors can add up and seriously impact people's health.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #30 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

That is VERY interesting. I'd never connected it before, but my wife does have a tendency in the ASD direction. (not at all serous, but its there, she clearly has trouble reading people).


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
Regarding truly LD people - it would be interesting to do a study to see how many of them have symptoms that would put them on the ASD spectrum. I've read a lot on high functioning autism because my son is borderline, and one thing I have come across more than once is that people on the spectrum tend to run very LD. #1 because they have a hard time connecting emotionally and #2 because many of them can't handle intense physical sensations. And many of the ones who do have higher sex drives often end up coming across as "horndogs" as it was put earlier, because they don't engage their emotions during sex and often come across as selfish regarding their partners' needs. I have often wondered if this was my husband's problem.
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