HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 252Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,376
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

These discussions may become clearer if people are more specific about frequencies. Rather than just LD/HD, your husband wanted ~20times/week, you wanted 2-3

In my case I woud like 3-5X/week, my wife approx 1/4 weeks (with a lot of variation).


Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
I think this is very true. My ex-husband was approaching me for sex so often that I was probably turning him down 75% of the time. And yet, we were having sex usually 5+ times per week, sometimes a good bit more. He would - and did - absolutely describe me as frigid and told both of our MCs that I just didn't like sex. The gulf between my preference for 2-3 times a week and his preference for 2-3 times a day was just so large that one of us was bound to be at least somewhat unhappy. And, yet, I'm not sure I could objectively be described as LD. Nor, I imagine, would his drive be an issue for someone with a drive similar to his own. Our respective drives were simply not compatible.
uhtred is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:37 PM
Member
 
Hellomynameis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Finger Lakes NY
Posts: 198
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
That is VERY interesting. I'd never connected it before, but my wife does have a tendency in the ASD direction. (not at all serous, but its there, she clearly has trouble reading people).
Does she suffer from sensory overload in other areas? If this is the case orgasms may actually be TOO intense for her.

Google Asperger's syndrome and sex drive. There's some interesting material out there.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
Hellomynameis is offline  
post #33 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:43 PM
Member
 
peterrabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 48
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
One thing I have encountered as being a higher drive person:

- The notion that if you want sex it must be because you are a walking hornball. There are plenty of times I want to have sex with my W not because I am rockin a ragin woody, but more because I crave the intimacy/closeness/connection. I think at times an LD person is unable to differentiate
this, that there is more to sex then just trying to get your rocks off.

On the other side, I can say being a HD person, making the mistake of assuming that if you try hard enough, that should be enough to make an LD person less "LD".
Well spoken, I wholeheartedly agree with you

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk
peterrabbit is online now  
post #34 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:13 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 167
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
Ellis,

First of all, I want to say that I am THRILLED that you started this thread! I'm hoping we can all learn a lot from it

What I've bolded is very true. But there are reasons the LD thinks this about HD's. You wrote that there are "plenty of times" that you wanted sex because you were craving intimacy/closeness/connection. But that means that there are also probably "plenty of times" that you ARE just 'rockin' a ragin woody' trying to get your rocks off. And there isn't a reliable way for the LD to differentiate.

Look at it this way: If you found yourself suddenly unmarried, would you suddenly become LD? Probably not. Would you be seeking out sex because you wanted the intimacy or because you were horny? To some LD's it would seem like you're trying to have it both ways, and expecting the LD to 'know' the difference.



ConanHub wrote something in the 'Relationships and Spirituality" forum the other day that I thought was absolutely brilliant and is quite applicable to this thread. He wrote:



Believe me, when I read this, I was shouting at the computer, "Yes! YES!! YEEEEEEEE-EEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!"

But if we're not hardwired to be either HD or LD, why do we hear more success stories of the LD bringing 'up' their libido than the HD reducing theirs?
Because HD love sex. It feels good. I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like maybe some LD haven't had great experiences with sex or that maybe they don't orgasm as much\easily? Or maybe that they aren't sexually liberated as some HD people. Perhaps some LD people rewire their brains because they begin to explore more and create positive associations with sex.

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk
Mollymolz is offline  
post #35 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:15 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 167
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
You and I have had such similar experiences in this regard. I am so sorry...
I agree, there is a huge difference between sex addiction and being HD. I think a lot of people would be LD towards an unfaithful partner. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk
Mollymolz is offline  
post #36 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 167
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
But @EllisRedding if it is just the intimacy/closeness/connection you crave, then there should be plenty of other ways to express that other than by just getting your rocks off together! It sounds as though your rocks are confused!

Why can't you just enjoy a simple snuggle while you comfort your wife by allowing her to talk about all the things in the day that really stressed her out really bad? Why do you have to pressure her to suddenly switch gears and jolt her into trying to enjoy your penis being inside of her? WTF is wrong with you...

...that is my impression of an LD wife by the way.
As you said they are unable to differentiate our need to connect with them and enjoy making each other feel good after a stressful day. Often for an LD, instead of sex being something that helps one relax and unwind, it becomes a source of anxiety that his/her partner is in need of attention. Much like a baby crying to be held so it can calm down. The LD is exhausted and simply wants to be held and comforted while they let go of all their negative energy from the day.

In reality both the HD and LD are seeking ways to calm anxiety, but just need different things from one another.
I like your perspective of each trying to calm anxiety. I still don't understand how forgoing sex helps anyone though. I try to understand but it's hard. Being sexual is such a huge part of who I am that it causes me great discomfort having such a huge piece of me missing in my marriage. I love my husband so much though. I suppose we all have to make sacrifices somewhere.

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk
Mollymolz is offline  
post #37 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 930
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
Because HD love sex. It feels good. I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like maybe some LD haven't had great experiences with sex or that maybe they don't orgasm as much\easily? Or maybe that they aren't sexually liberated as some HD people. Perhaps some LD people rewire their brains because they begin to explore more and create positive associations with sex.
There's a lot to unpack in here.

I think there are probably many LD people who are that way because they haven't had good experiences with sex. Maybe their partners have been clueless, or selfish, or physically incompatible. The LD person may actually have a healthy drive, but just doesn't enjoy sex with the partner they have, so they don't see the point.

When I hear of HD/LD conflict, I always suggest that the HD person first try to focus on the LD partner's pleasure, making sex all about them to the extent of refusing their own climax. Do that for long enough to rewire the LD person's enjoyment.

But ultimately, compromise doesn't really work. When one person wants it every day, but their partner wants it weekly, you can't say to meet in the middle at every other day. The HD person is still deprived of half the sex they want, while the LD person is enduring triple what they would prefer, and neither of them are any happier. I'd say they both feel worse, in fact, because now they each feel that they are trying so hard and sacrificing so much, but their partner is still not happy.

And LD will always win, because being forced or coerced to have sex when you don't want to is rape.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:00 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
Hopeful Cynic is offline  
post #38 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:47 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 167
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
There's a lot to unpack in here.

I think there are probably many LD people who are that way because they haven't had good experiences with sex. Maybe their partners have been clueless, or selfish, or physically incompatible. The LD person may actually have a healthy drive, but just doesn't enjoy sex with the partner they have, so they don't see the point.

When I hear of HD/LD conflict, I always suggest that the HD person first try to focus on the LD partner's pleasure, making sex all about them to the extent of refusing their own climax. Do that for long enough to rewire the LD person's enjoyment.

But ultimately, compromise doesn't really work. When one person wants it every day, but their partner wants it weekly, you can't say to meet in the middle at every other day. The HD person is still deprived of half the sex they want, while the LD person is enduring triple what they would prefer, and neither of them are any happier. I'd say they both feel worse, in fact, because now they each feel that they are trying so hard and sacrificing so much, but their partner is still not happy.

And LD will always win, because being forced or coerced to have sex when you don't want to is rape.
Wow that's a good point. I've experienced what it's like a few times to feel like my husband is just doing it to please me. I hadn't considered that it is technically rape. Ughhh. It's hard being an HD with an LD person because I really do want my spouse to enjoy it anf love it as much as I do. It takes all the fun and emotion out of sex when it feels like the other person is just going through the motions.

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk
Mollymolz is offline  
post #39 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:36 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,639
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
Because HD love sex. It feels good. I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like maybe some LD haven't had great experiences with sex or that maybe they don't orgasm as much\easily? Or maybe that they aren't sexually liberated as some HD people. Perhaps some LD people rewire their brains because they begin to explore more and create positive associations with sex.

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk
While all of what you write it's true, sometimes it's none of the above.

An LD can enjoy sex and think it's wonderful if it's in moderation. It's just not something they want to do often because there are other things to do/experience. And some things they like doing even MORE than sex.

They don't want it to be a 'routine', either. Must-have-sex-X-amount-of-times-per-week is too predictable, even if it's done on different days of the week. And if it's done every day, it's no different than brushing your teeth. Doing it too often kind of takes the 'specialness' away from it. It would be like celebrating Christmas every day. Or eating chicken every day. No matter how much you dress it up, in the end, it's still chicken.

For the HD, there seems to be a goal: Orgasm. Sex isn't sex without it. The orgasm is part of that routine. It's like reading the same story over and over again, knowing how it's going to end. Boring.

Some LD's see sex as more of a journey WITHOUT always having to have a destination. Did you ever get into a car just to go for a drive? You don't have a destination in mind. You just drive and enjoy the scenery. The music. The conversation. The laughter. The touching for the sake of touching without it having to lead anywhere. (One of the biggest complaints that the LD has is that they can't show their partner non-sexual affection without the HD wanting to have sex!) One of the perceptions of the HD is that the HD wants sex and orgasms (the destination) while the LD wants intimacy (the journey).

Also, many LD's are looking for quality over quantity, whereas the HD seems to seek quantity over quality.

This thread is about perceptions, so I'm throwing these out to show the perceptions the LD may have of the HD, and of sex period.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:00 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
Vega is offline  
post #40 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 167
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
While all of what you write it's true, sometimes it's none of the above.

An LD can enjoy sex and think it's wonderful if it's in moderation. It's just not something they want to do often because there are other things to do/experience. And some things they like doing even MORE than sex.

They don't want it to be a 'routine', either. Must-have-sex-X-amount-of-times-per-week is too predictable, even if it's done on different days of the week. And if it's done every day, it's no different than brushing your teeth. Doing it too often kind of takes the 'specialness' away from it. It would be like celebrating Christmas every day. Or eating chicken every day. No matter how much you dress it up, in the end, it's still chicken.

For the HD, there seems to be a goal: Orgasm. Sex isn't sex without it. The orgasm is part of that routine. It's like reading the same story over and over again, knowing how it's going to end. Boring.

Some LD's see sex as more of a journey WITHOUT always having to have a destination. Did you ever get into a car just to go for a drive? You don't have a destination in mind. You just drive and enjoy the scenery. The music. The conversation. The laughter. The touching for the sake of touching without it having to lead anywhere. (One of the biggest complaints that the LD has is that they can't show their partner non-sexual affection without the HD wanting to have sex!) One of the perceptions of the HD is that the HD wants sex and orgasms (the destination) while the LD wants intimacy (the journey).

Also, many LD's are looking for quality over quantity, whereas the HD seems to seek quantity over quality.

This thread is about perceptions, so I'm throwing these out to show the perceptions the LD may have of the HD, and of sex period.
Your insight is definitely something to consider. However, being an HD person myself I know that for me kissing and hugging does not always need to lead to sex. I really like being kissed hello and goodbye by my spouse every day. For myself physical intimacy goes far beyond only having sex. When you refer to other forms of intimacy are you referring to them taking place sporadically throughout the day or are you referring to the big 'fireworks' event. Personally I would find it very difficult to lay in bed making out with my husband without having sex with him. I feel like he would feel a little underwhelmed too. I definitely like sex to include an orgasm. I can see how can conceive that orgasms are a goal of sex. I agree, but honestly I quite like that goal. The journey there ain't too bad either. I feel like a quite a few LD people may be LD because their partners neglect their needs in bed leaving them sexually frustrated. If I were with a selfish spouce like that I think I would easily become LD in the relationship.

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk
Mollymolz is offline  
post #41 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:58 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,639
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
Your insight is definitely something to consider. However, being an HD person myself I know that for me kissing and hugging does not always need to lead to sex. I really like being kissed hello and goodbye by my spouse every day. For myself physical intimacy goes far beyond only having sex. When you refer to other forms of intimacy are you referring to them taking place sporadically throughout the day or are you referring to the big 'fireworks' event. Personally I would find it very difficult to lay in bed making out with my husband without having sex with him. I feel like he would feel a little underwhelmed too. I definitely like sex to include an orgasm. I can see how can conceive that orgasms are a goal of sex. I agree, but honestly I quite like that goal. The journey there ain't too bad either.
The other forms of intimacy can be throughout the day. But again, it depends on what kind of 'intimacy' we're talking about. Giving me long hug can be very intimate. Giving me a hug and putting *your* hand up my shirt or down my pants, not so much. The first signals 'affection'. The latter, sex.

As for laying in bed making out with my husband (when I was married, that is), I could have done that for HOURS without having sex with him. Him, not so much.

Quote:
I feel like a quite a few LD people may be LD because their partners neglect their needs in bed leaving them sexually frustrated.
Oh, absolutely! Like I've mentioned before, it seems like many HD's seek quantity, while the LD seeks quality. There isn't always that much time to have sex in such a way that would benefit the LD. Rinse and repeat a number of times, and the LD can easily become ND. Plus, it isn't only neglecting their needs IN bed, but out of bed as well. Intimacy is on going throughout the day. Non-sexual intimacy can lead to sexual intimacy. Maybe not all the time, but perhaps more than 'before'.

Quote:
If I were with a selfish spouce like that I think I would easily become LD in the relationship
BTDT.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:59 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
Vega is offline  
post #42 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:19 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,639
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
I like your perspective of each trying to calm anxiety. I still don't understand how forgoing sex helps anyone though. I try to understand but it's hard. Being sexual is such a huge part of who I am that it causes me great discomfort having such a huge piece of me missing in my marriage. I love my husband so much though. I suppose we all have to make sacrifices somewhere.
Someone here at TAM once explained this. Try to recall how you feel shortly after having an orgasm. Rested. Relaxed. Satisfied. Calm. Do you feel like you 'need' sex again RIGHT AFTER you've had sex? Probably not.

The LD often feels that way MOST OF THE TIME without having sex. Even if they DO feel a bit 'stressed' from time to time, the idea of sex can make them MORE stressed because it usually isn't what they need. The HD may use sex as a sort of Valium and can't understand WHY *you* (the HD) wants the LD to take Valium too, when the LD doesn't feel 'stressed'.

Personally, if I have a headache, I would go to the medicine chest and pop a couple of Advil. I would NOT expect my partner to pop a few, too. If there was no Advil available, perhaps I'd make myself a cup of tea. Again, I wouldn't expect my partner to drink tea with me.

Perhaps the LD's are a bit more independent of their partner and feel annoyed that their partner isn't as independent... of that the HD is bit..."needy"?

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:58 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
Vega is offline  
post #43 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 04:38 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post

Perhaps the LD's are a bit more independent of their partner and feel annoyed that their partner isn't as independent... of that the HD is bit..."needy"?
Could very well be if the HD is constantly asking or begging for sex. However, not sure I would equate HD as not being independent. If anything, it could be the opposite. I am very independent. It is very easy for me to do my own thing. Sex with my W helps build that connection with her. Without it, it is very easy for me to just go about and do my own thing.

I think a few others here pointed out their own situations where their LD spouse still wanted a form of physical intimacy, just not necessarily the sex aspect (which still shows some form of codependence).

I think the challenge, and could go along with how we perceive things, my guess we probably all have slightly different definitions of what we believe constitutes a high drive and low drive person.
EllisRedding is online now  
post #44 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 06:38 AM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,577
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
These discussions may become clearer if people are more specific about frequencies. Rather than just LD/HD, your husband wanted ~20times/week, you wanted 2-3

In my case I woud like 3-5X/week, my wife approx 1/4 weeks (with a lot of variation).
Great point.

I would consider myself high HD. Could easily go 3x a day.

Mrs. Conan could be considered HD now. 1x daily.

She did hit a point many years ago where it was maybe 1x a month and no initiation by her. She now initiates daily.
ConanHub is offline  
post #45 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 06:48 AM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,577
Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
Someone here at TAM once explained this. Try to recall how you feel shortly after having an orgasm. Rested. Relaxed. Satisfied. Calm. Do you feel like you 'need' sex again RIGHT AFTER you've had sex? Probably not.

The LD often feels that way MOST OF THE TIME without having sex. Even if they DO feel a bit 'stressed' from time to time, the idea of sex can make them MORE stressed because it usually isn't what they need. The HD may use sex as a sort of Valium and can't understand WHY *you* (the HD) wants the LD to take Valium too, when the LD doesn't feel 'stressed'.

Personally, if I have a headache, I would go to the medicine chest and pop a couple of Advil. I would NOT expect my partner to pop a few, too. If there was no Advil available, perhaps I'd make myself a cup of tea. Again, I wouldn't expect my partner to drink tea with me.

Perhaps the LD's are a bit more independent of their partner and feel annoyed that their partner isn't as independent... of that the HD is bit..."needy"?
Your thought process has been developed in a different direction than mine for sure.

Being more HD than Mrs. Conan for our entire marriage, I can honestly say she is not close to as independent as me. HD and dependency aren't correlating factors of each other.

An HD can be more needy but often the LD is.

There is nothing wrong with having your libido subdued. It is a choice to develop yourself in certain fashion unless medical.

The problem arises when you want to mate with someone who hasn't decided along the same lines as you.
ConanHub is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Male HD / Female LD vs. Female HD / Male LD uhtred Sex in Marriage 63 10-31-2016 02:21 PM
An option to try for HD women with an LD husband Young at Heart Sex in Marriage 4 09-20-2016 07:05 PM
How do you approach the "No sex means divorce" talk with your *nice* spouse wilson Sex in Marriage 152 09-18-2016 11:34 PM
LD varieties richardsharpe Sex in Marriage 136 04-19-2016 01:59 PM
From LD to HD - can it happen? SurpriseMyself Sex in Marriage 34 04-11-2016 11:07 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome