HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 06:54 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Great point.

I would consider myself high HD. Could easily go 3x a day.

Mrs. Conan could be considered HD now. 1x daily.

She did hit a point many years ago where it was maybe 1x a month and no initiation by her. She now initiates daily.
I suppose I'd be considered LD by many here.....I'm usually good for 2-3X per week. Fortunately that seems to be good for my husband too as he's a little older now.

I could probably manage a little more if it was important to him as I really enjoy it, but too much would limit my enjoyment for any of it since I'd never get to recover and would never have time to think about it and miss it.

Then I would become resentful because I would have less enjoyment so he could get more sex; I think a balance needs to be found there.

Does your wife genuinely enjoy daily sex or does she initiate so you don't get cranky? Hopefully it's the former and that's great for both of you.
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post #47 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 07:16 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I suppose I'd be considered LD by many here.....I'm usually good for 2-3X per week. Fortunately that seems to be good for my husband too as he's a little older now.

I could probably manage a little more if it was important to him as I really enjoy it, but too much would limit my enjoyment for any of it since I'd never get to recover and would never have time to think about it and miss it.

Then I would become resentful because I would have less enjoyment so he could get more sex; I think a balance needs to be found there.

Does your wife genuinely enjoy daily sex or does she initiate so you don't get cranky? Hopefully it's the former and that's great for both of you.
She literally upped her.libido, sexuality and confidence.

She developed a hunger for sex and turned the table on me.

She basically hunts me sexually and her aggression and skill in the bedroom is borderline frightening compared to how she use to be.

She is undergoing transformations in other areas as well.

I took her dancing before Christmas. We have literally only danced a handful of times in 25 years and it wasn't very good. I loved to dance when I was single BTW.

So anyway, we go to a casino with my coworkers and she looks like dynamite. I get her on the floor and an amazingly sexy, confident woman stepped out of her and started dancing, WELL!

It was soon evident that I was the weaker partner and barely keeping up! We looked fantastic, mostly her and absolutely owned the floor.

I got tired after 4 dances but she was still ready to rock.

I finally led her off the floor while she was still going.

A younger woman in our group leaned over and told us "You guys really broke it down out there!" she had a huge smile and wide eyes. I don't think they were expecting the show us middle aged folks put on.

I believe that Mrs. Conan, and probably many people, had untapped potential that she didn't trust to let out.

The things she does to me in and out of the bedroom are changing our dynamic.

I've always felt loved by her but now I feel consumed.
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post #48 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

P.S. @lifeistooshort

I certainly wouldn't consider you LD. You seem to be very healthy with your frequency.
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post #49 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 07:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

One other perception, which I think FW was alluding to, is trying to draw a correlation between ones drive and how promiscuous they are. Just because you are HD doesn't mean you engage in frequent casual sex, or are always on the hunt to get laid at all costs with whoever is willing and able. You can be very sexual and have a healthy sex drive, all contained within a relationship. On the other hand, just b/c you have run up a large body count doesn't necessarily mean you are high drive. I did know several women who had a "large" count, but the reality was they had low self esteem and engaged in casual sex b/c that is what they thought they needed to do to get the guy to like them. You run into issues here, where a guy sees this, figures that she must love sex so expect this non stop once they get into a relationship, only to find out that it really isn't the case for her (maybe a bait & switch, not necessarily).
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post #50 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

The LD may have a predetermined SLA (frequency) and they may be reluctant to go over it because of fear of more sex expectations if they go along. Likewise if they enjoy too much, etc they fear that may trigger higher expectations from their partners.

I am not generalizing but it's something to consider. They come to see intimacy not as an integral part of a marriage but as a vacation or expensive eating out experience of sorts.

Once they're in this mindset it's not easy - often possible - to change their attitude. Culture and FOO play into this as well.
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post #51 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I wonder how much of today's culture causes us HD people to think about sex more. Are we more sensitive to being aroused by things we see and hear vs our LD spouses? Does this exacerbate our situations?

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post #52 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

So here's a question. If I'm LD with my partner but masturbate frequently, am I truly LD? Or just situationally LD?

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post #53 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I think that is likely true in many cases, but there are also cases where the LD is able to physically enjoy sex, or at least orgasm. My wife does O almost every time (or has been faking for 30 years??) and claims to enjoy sex, but only wants it very rarely.

OTOH, there are postings from some LD's here who appear to have been with selfish lovers who didn't care at all about their pleasure.


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Because HD love sex. It feels good. I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like maybe some LD haven't had great experiences with sex or that maybe they don't orgasm as much\easily? Or maybe that they aren't sexually liberated as some HD people. Perhaps some LD people rewire their brains because they begin to explore more and create positive associations with sex.

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post #54 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I think there really are three different situations when there is sex that the LD doesn't want.

The LD can actively enjoy pleasing their partner, even if they are not in the mood themselves - I see no trouble with this.

The LD can be going along with sex that they don't particularly want. This is unfortunate, maybe OK once in a while.

The LD can feel they *must* have sex that they actively don't want, and this can easily blend into rape. I'd still keep the clear boundary that its only really rape if it is made clear to the partner that they want sex to stop. (Its an entirely different discussion, but I think in a marriage, the assumptions about consent when nothing specific has been said are different). ((note the "nothing has been said" - consent is still consent).


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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
Wow that's a good point. I've experienced what it's like a few times to feel like my husband is just doing it to please me. I hadn't considered that it is technically rape. Ughhh. It's hard being an HD with an LD person because I really do want my spouse to enjoy it anf love it as much as I do. It takes all the fun and emotion out of sex when it feels like the other person is just going through the motions.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:57 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #55 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I think it depends on why you masturbate but don't want sex.

If your partner is a poor or selfish lover, then you are not LD, you just have a bad partner.

If you might enjoy sex with other people of your partner's gender, then you may just have no attraction for your partner.

If you might enjoy sex with someone of a different gender than your partner, then your orientation doesn't match your relationship.

If you enjoy masturbation but not sex with anyone, then this may be sort of like an "orientation:. Since there are people attracted to men, attracted to women, or attracted to both, I don't see why there can't be people who are attracted to neither, but still enjoy O's.


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So here's a question. If I'm LD with my partner but masturbate frequently, am I truly LD? Or just situationally LD?
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post #56 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I think in a lot of cases this is true.
In milder cases the HD can imagine this, and the LD can imagine how they felt the last time that they *really* wanted sex, since that may be how the HD feels all the time.

In more extreme cases, the LD may never have felt as much desire as the HD has all the time, and the HD never as little as the LD has all the time.

I know that when we do have sex, after I've finoshed I'm always happy to do whatever my wife wants to please her. That suggests that even when I'm at my lowest levels of interest, they are higher than her typical levels.


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Someone here at TAM once explained this. Try to recall how you feel shortly after having an orgasm. Rested. Relaxed. Satisfied. Calm. Do you feel like you 'need' sex again RIGHT AFTER you've had sex? Probably not.

The LD often feels that way MOST OF THE TIME without having sex. Even if they DO feel a bit 'stressed' from time to time, the idea of sex can make them MORE stressed because it usually isn't what they need. The HD may use sex as a sort of Valium and can't understand WHY *you* (the HD) wants the LD to take Valium too, when the LD doesn't feel 'stressed'.

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post #57 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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So here's a question. If I'm LD with my partner but masturbate frequently, am I truly LD? Or just situationally LD?
Doesn't sound LD at all just not into your partner.
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post #58 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Doesn't sound LD at all just not into your partner.
I'm curious about this, Conan.

Why do we HAVE to direct ALL or ALMOST ALL of our sexual 'energy' toward (a) partner?

The reason I'm asking is because I used to believe this. But after reading/research, I'm not so sure anymore...
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post #59 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
I'm curious about this, Conan.

Why do we HAVE to direct ALL or ALMOST ALL of our sexual 'energy' toward (a) partner?

The reason I'm asking is because I used to believe this. But after reading/research, I'm not so sure anymore...
I think for some/many the issue is more when the partner replaces the sexual energy. Perfect example, H wants to have sex with W. W rejects him because she already serviced herself and is now not in the mood.
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post #60 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I think for some/many the issue is more when the partner replaces the sexual energy. Perfect example, H wants to have sex with W. W rejects him because she already serviced herself and is now not in the mood.
But when she was servicing herself she wasn't in the mood for sex, either!

Sometimes I have wanted an orgasm, but I didn't want to achieve it through sex..

So I guess what I'm asking is, why is it so 'wrong' to want an orgasm but not through partnered sex, even if you have a partner?
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