HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #106 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
yyyyyyYYYYYYYEEEEESSSSSSSS!

Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! Focus. Not. Always. On. Orgasms!

Heck, I can give *myself* an orgasm almost anytime I want one. And I DO enjoy it when my partner O's. But for me, it's not the 'goal' of sex. To me, the goal of sex is intimacy.

If my partner can ONLY feel intimacy with me during that 3 second orgasm, and not again until his next orgasm, he's NOT the partner for me!

Thanks again, FW. You ROCK! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!
Try flipping this on its head for a second.

What if it's not your partner's orgasm that makes him feel close to you?

What if the reason a partner feels intimate with you in that moment is instead because you are the one giving him the orgasm?

If I just want an orgasm, and that's all I'm after, I can play with myself. But I prefer that it be with my partner, because that fact that he is focused on me and is giving of himself to me, and because in that moment, I am laying myself bare and vulnerable in such a raw state, and he takes that as a gift of myself to him, and treats it with the tenderness (or sometimes roughness!), attention, and care that it deserves.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #107 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Like others here have stated, it is possible to have sex and completely enjoy it without orgasm. That being said, I would guess if that became frequent (no orgasm) the sex would become less desirable, nothing wrong with that as the O still does play a very important role.

@FeministInPink hits an important point as well. Giving (or receiving) an orgasm with your partner takes it to another level versus taking care of yourself (I am sure this doesn't apply to everyone, but I share the same sentiments as FIP).

Falling back on the "feeling used solely for an orgasm" helps shift the focus IMO to the partner. If you tell yourself that you are nothing more than an object to your partner, it is easy to deflect and make it their problem (in some cases, I am sure this is in fact accurate, so not completely dismissing). However, in the instance where you are not responsive to your partner and can't fall back on the "I am just an object to him/her" view, then I think it forces you to have to look at yourself and maybe ask yourself some uncomfortable questions (i.e. why am I not into him/her, etc...).
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post #108 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

LOL!

Some interesting processes going on out there.

My wife and I enjoy many levels and forms of intimacy.

It isn't an either or when it comes to orgasms.

Sex always includes at least one for her and me, sometimes more.

We always take our time and enjoy because our kids are gone.

We don't like Parcheesi but word games.😁
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post #109 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:17 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Because MOST of the time, the partner WANTS the orgasm! The LD feels "used" for the orgasm.
A lot of us really want the orgasm from sex with our partners, but we also want tjenro enjoy sex. It's like sharing your passions with your partner. My husband loves watches. He tells me all about them. He wants me to be interested in them as he is. I'm not but I listen and engage in the conversation. Relationship are give and take. Sex too, is also sometimes give and take. At the end of the it is somewhat that I as an HD want to share with my husband, not something that I want to force from him. That takes the joy away from it

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post #110 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:24 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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How about the emotional closeness that sex provides?

As a woman, I can have sex without having an orgasm and feel just as satisfied and just as close to my partner. After all, women do this all the time.

But most men don't.

Let me ask you a question, just out of curiosity. If you caught your wife in bed with another man and your wife said, "But neither one of us had orgasms so it really wasn't sex!", and you somehow knew it to be TRUE that they didn't, would you BUY that it wasn't really "sex"?
I dunno, I'm also a woman and of I don't orgasm juring sex I'm not happy about it. I don't care how I get it. If he let's go too soon I'm quite happy to finish myself off. Emotional closeness and a great end to sex.

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post #111 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:30 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Interesting.
Both my wife and I consider an O to be a normal part of sex. On the rare occasions where she doesn't get one, she feels frustrated. On the more common occasions where I don't, I'm left a little frustrated. I find being very aroused but not getting an orgasm to be unpleasant - so I have to go take care of myself later.

Arousal must be different for you if you can get sexually aroused but not want an O.

Cheating is cheating whether or not someone O's, but then I'm one of the people who considers an O to be a natural part of sex, not really optional.
Yup, getting aroused without orgasm is uncomfortable. It makes me very agitated.

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post #112 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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YES, WE CAN!

My partner and I are both HD. Sometimes I don't orgasm from sex, but I still LOVE the sex. That doesn't happen much with my current partner, I will admit, because he takes a lot of pleasure in making sure that I have not just one, but multiple orgasms. Even if he isn't feeling horny but I am, he will spend sometimes an hour or more on me, just to make sure that I am satisfied.

My partner can't orgasm during sex--or, at least, it is very rare, and it hasn't happened with me yet (we've only been together about 10 months). He's come close a few times, and he's hopeful that it will happen with me eventually. I know he wants it to happen, and I would like that as well, but I don't put any pressure on him to get there. If he wants to orgasm, he has to finish himself off--but I'm always involved in some way. Usually he does a cuddling/masturbation combo, but sometimes I just watch him, or he'll ask that we mutually masturbate, but whatever it is, he wants me there with him, so it's still a shared experience.

This would upset a lot of women. In fact, he says that I handle this reality far better than anyone else he's ever been with. Despite the unusual nature of our sex life, we are both very happy with our sex life, and we get it on as much as possible.
That's awsome that you're so ok with it. There are so many different variation of sex and you guys have your own.

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post #113 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:41 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Try flipping this on its head for a second.

What if it's not your partner's orgasm that makes him feel close to you?

What if the reason a partner feels intimate with you in that moment is instead because you are the one giving him the orgasm?

If I just want an orgasm, and that's all I'm after, I can play with myself. But I prefer that it be with my partner, because that fact that he is focused on me and is giving of himself to me, and because in that moment, I am laying myself bare and vulnerable in such a raw state, and he takes that as a gift of myself to him, and treats it with the tenderness (or sometimes roughness!), attention, and care that it deserves.
I couldn't have said that better. Masterbation and self love are great but the achievements of orgasm though that vs. sex is totally different. It's my husband making me feel good and vise versa that makes sex so great. Why not enjoy the orgasm at the end. I love watching my spouse O because it's something only I get to see. It's a piece of him that is all mine.

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post #114 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:54 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I wonder if this is related to the LD/HD issue. Maybe people experience orgasms differently? Some people seem to think sex without an O is frustrating, others don't. Maybe the build-up feels different?

One way to put it: To me, sex without orgasm is like listening to a great piece of music, which is cut off just before the end - left on a hanging note. Its not that the previous music wasn't good, but missing the end leaves you feeling like something important isn't there.

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I dunno, I'm also a woman and of I don't orgasm juring sex I'm not happy about it. I don't care how I get it. If he let's go too soon I'm quite happy to finish myself off. Emotional closeness and a great end to sex.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:54 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #115 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I wonder if this is related to the LD/HD issue. Maybe people experience orgasms differently? Some people seem to think sex without an O is frustrating, others don't. Maybe the build-up feels different?

One way to put it: To me, sex without orgasm is like listening to a great piece of music, which is cut off just before the end - left on a hanging note. Its not that the previous music wasn't good, but missing the end leaves you feeling like something important isn't there.
That's exactly it. Something is missing, and for me that something gnaws at me like a word I can't remember. My husband is LD, but still I think he'd be unhappy if sex didn't result in an orgasm, or at least a little confused.

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post #116 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 04:43 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Having been and LD, I can absolutely see this to be true. The LD can have sex WITHOUT an orgasm and feel just as 'close' to his or her partner. But can the HD have sex with his or her partner WITHOUT orgasm as well?
Of course they can, it's not like such things have never happened.

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To the (some) LD, the HD seems (we're talking about perception here) to be almost on a 'manic' quest for orgasms. They can't seem have sex WITHOUT them. Sex MUST lead to orgasms, otherwise it's not "really" sex.
Except for your musings here, I've never heard of the silly idea that sex doesn't qualify as sex, absent having an orgasm.

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As an HD, have you ever had sex with your partner WITHOUT an orgasm for either of you?
I've had sex with a few womens, without either of us reaching orgasm.

Sometimes things happens that require you to stop. Like someone interrupts you, or something else happens that needs your immediate attention.

Last edited by Personal; 02-04-2017 at 09:03 AM.
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post #117 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 04:47 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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As a woman, I can have sex without having an orgasm and feel just as satisfied and just as close to my partner. After all, women do this all the time.

But most men don't.
Actually women as a monolithic collective, don't do this all of the time. Of course some may do this all of the time or some of the time, yet it is a misnomer to claim that your experience is universal.

Your claim regarding men is equally flawed.

Funnily enough you're not like any woman I have ever shared sex with. In my experience, most of the time when a woman hasn't had an orgasm (especially when one has been close) while having sex, she often feels disappointed and or somewhat frustrated by the experience.

None of my sexual partners have ever expressed equal satisfaction on the occasions they don't get to have an orgasm, in fact the norm has been for them to admit disappointment when it happens.

For example my wife and I are fine with not getting an orgasm, if we have had to stop having sex because someone turns up at our door. Cause you know, other things...

Whereas at other times without interruption, my wife and I can be very frustrated when we don't orgasm during sex, especially when either of us are particularly close to having an orgasm.

I also sometimes edge, while having penetrative sex with my wife. So that I can ensure I can sustain the right stimulation for her to usually orgasm through penetration, and so that she can sometimes have more orgasms before I do.

Yet there have been times when I have done this, to the point that I lose it. As in I still have an erection, yet I can't tip over to orgasm, because I have become over stimulated. So when that happens she gets an orgasm, while to my frustration I don't.

Likewise I have also sometimes done the same thing to my wife, where I get her close to orgasm, then back off, then work her up again and then back off and maybe do it again before working her to a finish. Yet there have been some occasions doing that, when she has frustratingly lost that approaching orgasm through overstimulation as well.

Then there are the rare occasions when she or I alternately just haven't get there at all for a myriad of reasons. When that happens and we've been very close, we both find that particularly frustrating. Whereas when we haven't been that close, we haven't minded at all.

Orgasm or otherwise my wife and I both enjoy the sex we share. That said on the very rare occasion through close to 21 years of sharing sex, that the sex has been flat, we've both had no problem telling each other it was lame.

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post #118 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 08:51 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Actually women as a monolithic collective, don't do this all of the time. Of course some may do this all of the time or some of the time, yet it is a misnomer to claim that your experience is universal.

Your claim regarding men is equally flawed.

Funnily enough you're not like any woman I have ever shared sex with. In my experience, most of the time when a woman hasn't had an orgasm (especially when one has been close) while having sex, she often feels disappointed and or somewhat frustrated by the experience.

None of my sexual partners have ever expressed equal satisfaction on the occasions they don't get to have an orgasm, in fact the norm has been for them to admit disappointment when it happens.

For example my wife and I are fine with not getting an orgasm, if we have had to stop having sex because someone turns up at our door. Cause you know, other things...

Whereas at other times without interruption, my wife and I can be very frustrated when we don't orgasm during sex, especially when either of us are particularly close to having an orgasm.

I also sometimes edge while having penetrative sex with my wife. So that I can ensure I can sustain the right stimulation for her to frequently orgasms through penetration and can then sometimes have more orgasms before I do.

Yet there have been times when I have done this, to the point that I lose it. As in I still have an erection, yet I can't tip over to orgasm, because I have become over stimulated. So when that happens she gets an orgasm, while to my frustration I don't.

Likewise I have also sometimes done the same thing to my wife, where I get her close to orgasm, then back off, then work her up again and then back off and maybe do it again before working her to a finish. Yet there have been some occasions doing that, when she has frustratingly lost that approaching orgasm through overstimulation as well.

Then there are the rare occasions when she or I alternately just haven't get there at all for a myriad of reasons. When that happens and we've been very close, we both find that particularly frustrating. Whereas when we haven't been that close, we haven't minded at all.

Orgasm or otherwise my wife and I both enjoy the sex we share. That said on the very rare occasion through close to 21 years of sharing sex, that the sex has been flat, we've both had no problem telling each other it was lame.
You make a good point. I truely believe most women like orgasms too and are disappointed when they don't get them. If a woman can achieve them every time she masterbates then there is no reason she cannot achieve them just as reliably through sex. That is, unless she has a selfish partner. I'd be moving on at that point though.

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post #119 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

In an interesting twist, my wife gets unhappy if *I* don't get an O. When we do have sex she feels like things have gone wrong if she doesn't get me off.
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post #120 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I wonder if this is related to the LD/HD issue. Maybe people experience orgasms differently? Some people seem to think sex without an O is frustrating, others don't. Maybe the build-up feels different?

One way to put it: To me, sex without orgasm is like listening to a great piece of music, which is cut off just before the end - left on a hanging note. Its not that the previous music wasn't good, but missing the end leaves you feeling like something important isn't there.
I feel this way, but at the same time.. there is "satisfaction" he got his.. I love giving too...I know another romp is just around the corner... I rarely miss my O.. if I was especially "randy" and he slipped before me....I've gotten aggressive (but in a playful manner) saying .... "NO NO NO ..da** it - I needed that !@#" .. then tell him he's going to do it again...

I consider myself very sexual, there is no subject more fascinating, exciting, or passionate I am about.... Physical touch, amorous anything makes me feel alive / fulfilled like nothing else.. my dopamine of choice.... but I need the emotional component, feeling deeply loved/ cared for with the strings of commitment, trust, exclusivity... I very much dislike the fact many would assume such a woman is not very sexual, or a prude if she doesn't put out early in a relationship.. as difficult as it may be to restrain our hormones... I find great value in taking it slow when getting to know someone... that's just how I am wired. When I sleep with a man.. I expect an "after glow". lying in his arms, that he's MY MAN and I am his.. nothing less would satisfy my soul.. if I could put it this way..

My husband is introverted, on the quiet side, not your average Testosterone fueled Stud type of male...he once said to me His "touch" should be worth a thousand words.. I'll never forget that comment as it's true... he's not a sex addict but sure loves the act... would never turn it down unless he's too tired. Like me... he ties his intimacy with his emotions, it's never just "getting off" to him, it's so much more..

It's hard to box people, we may be surprised what goes on behind closed doors.....it's so much about the chemistry between a given couple... my drive has lessened in the past few years, that antsy "Gotta have it NOW and can't get enough" is gone... I kinda miss it !! .... though still one thing has remained... I crave our intimacy, getting caught up in each other.. this never gets old...it's emotionally fulfilling as much as deeply pleasurable...
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