HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I was thinking about this yesterday, and a brief conversation I had with my W last night fit in perfectly, so I thought it would be a good topic for conversation.

As an LD (Low Drive/Desire) or HD (High Drive/Desire) person, do you find that your SO (or maybe people in general) have a certain perception about you that may not be accurate?

Probably one of the biggest issues in relationships where there is a drive mismatch, it can be very difficult for each person to understand where the other is coming from (i.e if you have ever only been HD it is not easy to understand how someone who is LD could not want sex all the time, and vice versa). You would hope that the couple would be able to openly communicate to each other, and work on a solution that has them meeting somewhere in the middle, but it seems like (just from reading here) that isn't always the case. Naturally this is not taking into account bait n switches.

I will give a few examples that popped in my head in another post.



I am HD adventurous
Mrs.CuddleBug is LD conservative

I could have sex every day, sometimes multiple times
She could have sex 1x month and is happy and clueless

I used to initiative but having sex 1x week was almost too much for her, so I stopped initiating altogether.

When she initiates, her usual 1x month, I am not in the mood, nope, no thanks.

1x week or more to Mrs.CuddleBug, in her mind, all I want is sex sex sex. Yet the average for a healthy sex drive is 3x week or more.

I just use my sex toy when I get really in the mood and no longer pester Mrs.CuddleBug for intimacy. She has her almost sexless marriage, eats chips, watches tv, on her laptop, talks with her sister and parents and reads.

She also knows her weight is a serious issue, meaning she can loose 80+ lbs and she is getting bigger. She knows she needs to do something but never gets around to it.......that type of woman.

Yet today, the ladies are taking care of themselves and are just as sexual as the men. I guess I wasn't as fortunate....

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post #122 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I am HD adventurous
Mrs.CuddleBug is LD conservative

I could have sex every day, sometimes multiple times
She could have sex 1x month and is happy and clueless

I used to initiative but having sex 1x week was almost too much for her, so I stopped initiating altogether.

When she initiates, her usual 1x month, I am not in the mood, nope, no thanks.

1x week or more to Mrs.CuddleBug, in her mind, all I want is sex sex sex. Yet the average for a healthy sex drive is 3x week or more.

I just use my sex toy when I get really in the mood and no longer pester Mrs.CuddleBug for intimacy. She has her almost sexless marriage, eats chips, watches tv, on her laptop, talks with her sister and parents and reads.

She also knows her weight is a serious issue, meaning she can loose 80+ lbs and she is getting bigger. She knows she needs to do something but never gets around to it.......that type of woman.

Yet today, the ladies are taking care of themselves and are just as sexual as the men. I guess I wasn't as fortunate....
That's how I feel except my husband isn't overweight. He does not take care of himself though. He has a job that involves him sitting around. I go for walks. I'm no fitness buff by any means, but I make an attempt. I get tired of initiating too because it isn't well recieved. I try not to pressure him. If he says he's tired, not feeling well, etc., I don't even try. It's too bad he feels like that regularly. What burns me up is that he seems content to masterbate a few times a week. Why not come to me when he knows I'm willing and waiting? Sometimes I don't feel like being faithful, even though I am 100% because it feels like he's happier expending his 'energy' somewhere else. I crave sex. It makes me feel wanted and loved if it is with my SO.

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post #123 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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That's how I feel except my husband isn't overweight. He does not take care of himself though. He has a job that involves him sitting around. I go for walks. I'm no fitness buff by any means, but I make an attempt. I get tired of initiating too because it isn't well recieved. I try not to pressure him. If he says he's tired, not feeling well, etc., I don't even try. It's too bad he feels like that regularly. What burns me up is that he seems content to masterbate a few times a week. Why not come to me when he knows I'm willing and waiting? Sometimes I don't feel like being faithful, even though I am 100% because it feels like he's happier expending his 'energy' somewhere else. I crave sex. It makes me feel wanted and loved if it is with my SO.

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Heh. My wife and your hubby should get together. You and I should do the same.


We are in sexual mismatch marriages, which is all too common.

A woman that's in great shape and has a high sex drive, can't get sex from her hubby? Wow.

If I had a woman that was in great shape with a high adventurous sex drive, I would be the happiest guy out there. Result for her would be random flowers in the bathroom before she gets up for work, surprise dinners, lots of cuddling on the couch, going for walks, out to dinner and a movie, etc, etc., etc. It would just flow and happen because my man needs are being met.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:43 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #124 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Heh. My wife and your hubby should get together. You and I should do the same.


We are in sexual mismatch marriages, which is all too common.

A woman that's in great shape and has a high sex drive, can't get sex from her hubby? Wow.

If I had a woman that was in great shape with a high adventurous sex drive, I would be the happiest guy out there. Result for her would be random flowers in the bathroom before she gets up for work, surprise dinners, lots of cuddling on the couch, going for walks, out to dinner and a movie, etc, etc., etc. It would just flow and happen because my man needs are being met.
I wouldn't say I'm in great shape lol. I like cookies too much. Why is it that people with high sex drives wind up with low drive spouses. It seems very unfair.

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post #125 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I wouldn't say I'm in great shape lol. I like cookies too much. Why is it that people with high sex drives wind up with low drive spouses. It seems very unfair.

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That is a great question! And there seems to be no way of knowing in advance what anyone is really like because LD's seem to either intentionally or unintentionally hide things so well before marriage. My wife and I were constantly physically touching before marriage. Hugging, holding hands, kissing. We would spend several hours every night being intimate: cuddling, making out, etc... Now I'm lucky to get an hour of sexual intimacy a month.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:43 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #126 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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That is a great question! And there seems to be no way of knowing in advance what anyone is really like because LD's seem to either intentionally or unintentionally hide things so well before marriage. My wife and I were constantly physically touching before marriage. Hugging, holding hands, kissing. We would spend several hours every night being intimate: cuddling, making out, etc... Now I'm lucky to get an hour of sexual intimacy a month.
Maybe LD's enjoy the honeymoon phase. That's just it though. It's a phase and it leaves us HD's high and dry. It's disappointing to say the least. I find I start pulling away emotionally when sex isn't happening. I feel like I live with a roommate. It's funny because my husband says the same thing, yet never attempts to up the sex. It leaves me taking the lack of sex very personally.

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post #127 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by 1lonelyguy View Post
That is a great question! And there seems to be no way of knowing in advance what anyone is really like because LD's seem to either intentionally or unintentionally hide things so well before marriage. My wife and I were constantly physically touching before marriage. Hugging, holding hands, kissing. We would spend several hours every night being intimate: cuddling, making out, etc... Now I'm lucky to get an hour of sexual intimacy a month.
I think part of the issue, the LD doesn't quite have the drive. If there are minimal distractions this is something that is a little easier to work with. However, add on a bunch of distractions and stress (raising a family, work, finances, etc...) and the thing that has a minimal drive for now becomes that much more less important.
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post #128 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
I am HD adventurous
Mrs.CuddleBug is LD conservative

I could have sex every day, sometimes multiple times
She could have sex 1x month and is happy and clueless

I used to initiative but having sex 1x week was almost too much for her, so I stopped initiating altogether.

When she initiates, her usual 1x month, I am not in the mood, nope, no thanks.

1x week or more to Mrs.CuddleBug, in her mind, all I want is sex sex sex. Yet the average for a healthy sex drive is 3x week or more.

I just use my sex toy when I get really in the mood and no longer pester Mrs.CuddleBug for intimacy. She has her almost sexless marriage, eats chips, watches tv, on her laptop, talks with her sister and parents and reads.

She also knows her weight is a serious issue, meaning she can loose 80+ lbs and she is getting bigger. She knows she needs to do something but never gets around to it.......that type of woman.

Yet today, the ladies are taking care of themselves and are just as sexual as the men. I guess I wasn't as fortunate....
Per the bolded, been there. I get to the point where honestly I rather not have sex then just have sex that 1 time to then not doing anything for a prolonged period.
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post #129 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I think part of the issue, the LD doesn't quite have the drive. If there are minimal distractions this is something that is a little easier to work with. However, add on a bunch of distractions and stress (raising a family, work, finances, etc...) and the thing that has a minimal drive for now becomes that much more less important.
And in my opinion this is where it becomes necessary to make it a priority. It's an important aspect of marriage.

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post #130 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:21 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Per the bolded, been there. I get to the point where honestly I rather not have sex then just have sex that 1 time to then not doing anything for a prolonged period.

I hear yah and that's why I bought my sex toy instead of going out to meet ladies who want only friends with benefits........

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post #131 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I wouldn't say I'm in great shape lol. I like cookies too much. Why is it that people with high sex drives wind up with low drive spouses. It seems very unfair.

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See, I was skinny with thick coke bottle glasses. Not women bait at all.

Then I made the choice to weight train and got laser eye surgery. I went from ~175 lbs to 230+ lbs ish.

My vision is close to 20 / 20.

Mrs.CuddleBug was a bigger girl back then, probably the same weight as myself at the time. Today, we are about the same. I am 6 ft 2 and she is 5ft 9.

All you have to do, is go to a local gym, weights and cardio, meet new people, get help from a trainer with goals, buys their supplements and change your diet accordingly. The weight will come off and you will feel better about yourself, be in good shape, dress sexier, etc. But doing nothing, eating cookies, we'll, fate is what you make and you get what you put into the relationship.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:44 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #132 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 07:58 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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See, I was skinny with thick coke bottle glasses. Not women bait at all.

Then I made the choice to weight train and got laser eye surgery. I went from ~175 lbs to 230+ lbs ish.

My vision is close to 20 / 20.

Mrs.CuddleBug was a bigger girl back then, probably the same weight as myself at the time. Today, we are about the same. I am 6 ft 2 and she is 5ft 9.

All you have to do, is go to a local gym, weights and cardio, meet new people, get help from a trainer with goals, buys their supplements and change your diet accordingly. The weight will come off and you will feel better about yourself, be in good shape, dress sexier, etc. But doing nothing, eating cookies, we'll, fate is what you make and you get what you put into the relationship.
Is your wife's self esteem shot because of her weight or was she always LD? I could see how gaining a lot of weight would make it difficult to want to have sex a). due to self esteem and b). because of the energy it takes. I love cookies but they aren't the only food I eat and getting out walking my puppies helps a bit. I think if someone is taking care of their cardio at least a bit, regardless of weight, that they will have more energy and a higher libido.

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post #133 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 10:10 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I think if someone is taking care of their cardio at least a bit, regardless of weight, that they will have more energy and a higher libido.
Actually exercise for some will minimize the libido. If I am very aroused and it is not a good time for my wife, I'll go for a walk / jog and then by the time I get back home my desire for sex is gone. This may not be the same for all.

So sometimes a high libido may be the result of not getting enough exercise and the body is trying to find a way to burn some calories. The result can be for the libido to ramp up.

Badsanta

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 10:44 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #134 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

Speaking as a fellow citizen and not a mod.

I am very binary on this topic.

1. M2 and I have a LOT of non sexual touch every day. We hug, we spoon we lie in a tangle watching tv. Sometimes we hold hands in our sleep. I prize this and do not sexualize it.

2. When we have sex: I always make it as good for M2 as I can. Unless she specifically says she cannot rapture - I'm trying to get her there. This is not boring to either of us. If M2 didn't make an effort to get me there - I would consider that to be a form of indifference. I won't speak for anyone else, but indifference and sex do DO NOT blend well in our sexual routine.



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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Try flipping this on its head for a second.

What if it's not your partner's orgasm that makes him feel close to you?

What if the reason a partner feels intimate with you in that moment is instead because you are the one giving him the orgasm?

If I just want an orgasm, and that's all I'm after, I can play with myself. But I prefer that it be with my partner, because that fact that he is focused on me and is giving of himself to me, and because in that moment, I am laying myself bare and vulnerable in such a raw state, and he takes that as a gift of myself to him, and treats it with the tenderness (or sometimes roughness!), attention, and care that it deserves.

Last edited by MEM2020; 02-04-2017 at 11:20 PM.
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post #135 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Speaking as a fellow citizen and not a mod.

I am very binary on this topic.

1. M2 and I have a LOT of non sexual touch every day. We hug, we spoon we lie in a tangle watching tv. Sometimes we hold hands in our sleep. I prize this and do not sexualize it.

2. When we have sex: I always make it as good for M2 as I can. Unless she specifically says she cannot rapture - I'm trying to get her there. This is not boring to either of us. If M2 didn't make an effort to get me there - I would consider that to be a form of indifference. I won't speak for anyone else, but indifference and sex do DO blend well in our sexual routine.
Agreed!

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