HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:46 AM Thread Starter
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HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

I was thinking about this yesterday, and a brief conversation I had with my W last night fit in perfectly, so I thought it would be a good topic for conversation.

As an LD (Low Drive/Desire) or HD (High Drive/Desire) person, do you find that your SO (or maybe people in general) have a certain perception about you that may not be accurate?

Probably one of the biggest issues in relationships where there is a drive mismatch, it can be very difficult for each person to understand where the other is coming from (i.e if you have ever only been HD it is not easy to understand how someone who is LD could not want sex all the time, and vice versa). You would hope that the couple would be able to openly communicate to each other, and work on a solution that has them meeting somewhere in the middle, but it seems like (just from reading here) that isn't always the case. Naturally this is not taking into account bait n switches.

I will give a few examples that popped in my head in another post.

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post #2 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I was thinking about this yesterday, and a brief conversation I had with my W last night fit in perfectly, so I thought it would be a good topic for conversation.

As an LD (Low Drive/Desire) or HD (High Drive/Desire) person, do you find that your SO (or maybe people in general) have a certain perception about you that may not be accurate?
I've found that if I describe myself (accurately) as a highly sexual person, some people will automatically assume this also means promiscuous, or lacking discernment, or that I was a CSA victim, or that I need validation....blah blah blah. Some people can't seem to understand the difference between highly sexual and sexually desperate.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #3 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I've found that if I describe myself (accurately) as a highly sexual person, some people will automatically assume this also means promiscuous, or lacking discernment, or that I was a CSA victim, or that I need validation....blah blah blah. Some people can't seem to understand the difference between highly sexual and sexually desperate.
There is often a high degree of shame with having a higher drive than your spouse in my experience as well. Rarely is having a strong drive valued and cherished. I once explained to my wife that I would not trade anything in the world for the desire that I have for her, it was only at that time that she finally started to see it as something valuable. Before that she would shame me and insist that I had a problem.

In my opinion individuals that are highly sexual not only understand and accept ourselves sexually, but we encourage ourselves to embrace it. That "encouragement" from within is what tends to scare other people because they fear it can not be kept under control and that it will lead to destructive behaviors. While in reality it can serve exclusively to strengthen and celebrate a union.

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post #4 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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In my opinion individuals that are highly sexual and healthy and self-aware, not only understand and accept ourselves sexually, but we encourage ourselves to embrace it. That "encouragement" from within is what tends to scare other people because they fear it can not be kept under control and that it will lead to destructive behaviors. While in reality it can serve exclusively to strengthen and celebrate a union.

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I added the bolded to your post because it is definitely true that a highly sexual person may not be healthy or self-aware, in which case they may become destructive, to self or others. The self-awareness is key. Overcoming shame is also key, of course. Personally I've never been shamed so I never had to go through that part. Well I mean people have tried to shame me, but I'm a shameless hussy so it just rolled off my back.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #5 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

One thing I have encountered as being a higher drive person:

- The notion that if you want sex it must be because you are a walking hornball. There are plenty of times I want to have sex with my W not because I am rockin a ragin woody, but more because I crave the intimacy/closeness/connection. I think at times an LD person is unable to differentiate
this, that there is more to sex then just trying to get your rocks off.

On the other side, I can say being a HD person, making the mistake of assuming that if you try hard enough, that should be enough to make an LD person less "LD".
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post #6 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
One thing I have encountered as being a higher drive person:

- The notion that if you want sex it must be because you are a walking hornball. There are plenty of times I want to have sex with my W not because I am rockin a ragin woody, but more because I crave the intimacy/closeness/connection. I think at times an LD person is unable to differentiate
this, that there is more to sex then just trying to get your rocks off.

On the other side, I can say being a HD person, making the mistake of assuming that if you try hard enough, that should be enough to make an LD person less "LD".
Agree with the caveat that a LD person can develop if they desire to.

Mrs. Conan became LD about 10 years in and just told me that she didn't feel the same sexually as she use to.

I have always been HD and possibly getting more HD with middle age and working through my emotional issues.

After many heartfelt discussions and work by both of us, she has increased her libido drastically and altered her nature.

She is initiating sex every day, become far more confident in and out of the bedroom and is honestly starting to intimate me with her abilities.

I don't know if intimidate is the correct term, maybe overwhelmed or surpassed. Those terms are probably more accurate.
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post #7 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Agree with the caveat that a LD person can develop if they desire to.

Mrs. Conan became LD about 10 years in and just told me that she didn't feel the same sexually as she use to.

I have always been HD and possibly getting more HD with middle age and working through my emotional issues.

After many heartfelt discussions and work by both of us, she has increased her libido drastically and altered her nature.

She is initiating sex every day, become far more confident in and out of the bedroom and is honestly starting to intimate me with her abilities.

I don't know if intimidate is the correct term, maybe overwhelmed or surpassed. Those terms are probably more accurate.
I think the key here as well, is Mrs C and yourself understanding the differences, and working together to meet in some sort of middle ground. She could have easily said "This is who I am, deal with it", but you and your marriage were obviously important enough to work on. After all, with everything in a relationship, shouldn't that be the goal, to work as a team.
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post #8 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I think the key here as well, is Mrs C and yourself understanding the differences, and working together to meet in some sort of middle ground. She could have easily said "This is who I am, deal with it", but you and your marriage were obviously important enough to work on. After all, with everything in a relationship, shouldn't that be the goal, to work as a team.
Teamwork is a must.

She never wrote me off with a "deal with it" or "get use to it" statement. She always expressed concern and was loving but I still laid it down that she didn't marry a LD male.

If she would have given me a trite reply, I would have started moving for separation and divorce.

Some folks might only have a bonfire where lust is concerned but I'm a nuclear reactor and she knew it going in.

I let her know that I didn't want to spend my passion on anyone else and my desire was for her but my passion would not be denied whatever choice she made.
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post #9 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

There is also a difference between HD and being a sex addict. My husband insisted on sex almost daily unless I was menstruating. Sometimes even then although he knew it grossed me out. He WANTED sex about 3x daily but he knew he wasn't going to get that from me. So instead he whacked off in his morning shower, and usually got out of bed after he thought I was asleep and spent the next 2-3 hours whacking off to porn on the internet or cable. On top of that he had a "bit on the side," mostly oral from his students or coworker's, for the entire duration of our marriage not that I found that out until after we split. I know most men can't even do it but I'm guessing he was getting off anywhere from 3-5 times per day for a while there. Granted we were only in our 20s-early 30s at the time.

I honestly don't know if I am HD or LD. He made me LD with him by making sex unenjoyable for me. With another man I might have wanted it as much as I was forced to have it although I think 2-3x per week would probably have suited me more than every single day for the better part of 12 years unless one of us was away for work. And even then I'm guessing he probably got it somewhere.

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post #10 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

@Hellomynameis

Ugh....

I have a drive that high but don't cheat, look at porn or make my wife uncomfortable like that.

Sorry for your bad experiences but what a story!
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post #11 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
One thing I have encountered as being a higher drive person:

- The notion that if you want sex it must be because you are a walking hornball. There are plenty of times I want to have sex with my W not because I am rockin a ragin woody, but more because I crave the intimacy/closeness/connection. I think at times an LD person is unable to differentiate
this, that there is more to sex then just trying to get your rocks off.
Ellis,

First of all, I want to say that I am THRILLED that you started this thread! I'm hoping we can all learn a lot from it

What I've bolded is very true. But there are reasons the LD thinks this about HD's. You wrote that there are "plenty of times" that you wanted sex because you were craving intimacy/closeness/connection. But that means that there are also probably "plenty of times" that you ARE just 'rockin' a ragin woody' trying to get your rocks off. And there isn't a reliable way for the LD to differentiate.

Look at it this way: If you found yourself suddenly unmarried, would you suddenly become LD? Probably not. Would you be seeking out sex because you wanted the intimacy or because you were horny? To some LD's it would seem like you're trying to have it both ways, and expecting the LD to 'know' the difference.

Quote:
On the other side, I can say being a HD person, making the mistake of assuming that if you try hard enough, that should be enough to make an LD person less "LD
ConanHub wrote something in the 'Relationships and Spirituality" forum the other day that I thought was absolutely brilliant and is quite applicable to this thread. He wrote:

Quote:
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People are not hardwired LD or HD. People are malleable and can alter their sexual appetites and drive by working on it. ... I'm not talking theoretically at all. I know several people personally that have altered their appetites and drives.
Believe me, when I read this, I was shouting at the computer, "Yes! YES!! YEEEEEEEE-EEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!"

But if we're not hardwired to be either HD or LD, why do we hear more success stories of the LD bringing 'up' their libido than the HD reducing theirs?
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post #12 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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I honestly don't know if I am HD or LD. He made me LD with him by making sex unenjoyable for me. With another man I might have wanted it as much as I was forced to have it although I think 2-3x per week would probably have suited me more than every single day for the better part of 12 years unless one of us was away for work. And even then I'm guessing he probably got it somewhere.
I think it is possible for your drive to be situational. I know some others here have commented that they have been HD with some people and LD with others.
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post #13 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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There is also a difference between HD and being a sex addict. My husband insisted on sex almost daily unless I was menstruating. Sometimes even then although he knew it grossed me out. He WANTED sex about 3x daily but he knew he wasn't going to get that from me. So instead he whacked off in his morning shower, and usually got out of bed after he thought I was asleep and spent the next 2-3 hours whacking off to porn on the internet or cable. On top of that he had a "bit on the side," mostly oral from his students or coworker's, for the entire duration of our marriage not that I found that out until after we split. I know most men can't even do it but I'm guessing he was getting off anywhere from 3-5 times per day for a while there. Granted we were only in our 20s-early 30s at the time.

I honestly don't know if I am HD or LD. He made me LD with him by making sex unenjoyable for me. With another man I might have wanted it as much as I was forced to have it although I think 2-3x per week would probably have suited me more than every single day for the better part of 12 years unless one of us was away for work. And even then I'm guessing he probably got it somewhere.
You and I have had such similar experiences in this regard. I am so sorry...
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post #14 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
I've found that if I describe myself (accurately) as a highly sexual person, some people will automatically assume this also means promiscuous, or lacking discernment, or that I was a CSA victim, or that I need validation....blah blah blah. Some people can't seem to understand the difference between highly sexual and sexually desperate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
There is often a high degree of shame with having a higher drive than your spouse in my experience as well. Rarely is having a strong drive valued and cherished. I once explained to my wife that I would not trade anything in the world for the desire that I have for her, it was only at that time that she finally started to see it as something valuable. Before that she would shame me and insist that I had a problem.
Yes and yes. I'm sure that when I was in college, there were people who called me a slvt behind my back. But I wouldn't sleep with just anybody; I was judicious about who I slept with. I actually kept a sort of "sexual bucket list" of guys that I knew when I was in high school--guys that I wanted to sleep with if I got the opportunity. Not many guys made it onto that list, and if you weren't on that list, you didn't stand a chance. I never got all the guys on the list, but I had a lot of fun while I tried

My XH tried to shame me for being HD. He even called me a freak of nature once [or something along those lines, I can't remember exactly anymore], and he said I was insatiable, early on in our relationship. I didn't really think anything of it at the time, because he was having sex with me as often as I wanted it, and he seemed to be enjoying it. But as our relationship became sexless--and the way he responded to me when I brought up the issue of us not having enough sex, I realized that he really did think I was a freak.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #15 of 173 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: HD vs. LD - Perception vs. Reality

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Ellis,

First of all, I want to say that I am THRILLED that you started this thread! I'm hoping we can all learn a lot from it

What I've bolded is very true. But there are reasons the LD thinks this about HD's. You wrote that there are "plenty of times" that you wanted sex because you were craving intimacy/closeness/connection. But that means that there are also probably "plenty of times" that you ARE just 'rockin' a ragin woody' trying to get your rocks off. And there isn't a reliable way for the LD to differentiate.

Look at it this way: If you found yourself suddenly unmarried, would you suddenly become LD? Probably not. Would you be seeking out sex because you wanted the intimacy or because you were horny? To some LD's it would seem like you're trying to have it both ways, and expecting the LD to 'know' the difference.



ConanHub wrote something in the 'Relationships and Spirituality" forum the other day that I thought was absolutely brilliant and is quite applicable to this thread. He wrote:



Believe me, when I read this, I was shouting at the computer, "Yes! YES!! YEEEEEEEE-EEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!"

But if we're not hardwired to be either HD or LD, why do we hear more success stories of the LD bringing 'up' their libido than the HD reducing theirs?
I'll address the last part.

Being high HD, I am aware that Mrs. Conan is not actually physically capable of having intercourse with me as often as my natural itch happens.

So I have worked on myself to redirect my energies and in effect lower my libido a bit.

I still masturbate to relieve tensions and occasionally take care of myself a lot but she has full knowledge and neither of us has bad feelings about the other concerning it.
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